By Lisa Manterfield
I like to tell this story about a conversation I once had with a group of people I had recently met. I remember one of the women was telling a story and tossed out that she was unable to have children.
Then she went right on with her story.
She didn’t pause for people to give her sympathetic looks, she didn’t elaborate on why she couldn’t have children, and she didn’t explain that she’d wanted to have them or tried to. She said it matter-of-factly, as if she’d been telling us she didn’t care for the taste of liver and onions.
I was in awe.
Later that day, we were talking about confidence and she told me that it has taken her a long time (she’s in her 50s) to own who she is. “You just can’t entertain that voice that tells you that you’re less than or not good enough,” she said.
How many of us hear that voice and how many us pay attention to what it tells us?
What if we stopped apologizing for who we are? I think we could be very powerful.
Do you have a voice that tells you you’re less than? Do you listen to it? How do you shut it up and own who you are?
I need to print this post, frame it and hang it on my wall because the timing of this (as always) is perfect. This past week .. the voices (mainly of people getting to my head) made me question myself a lot .. we have ok days, good days and then there are rainy days filled with clouds.
last week my dental hygienist asked me if i was planning on having kids .. i sat there and explained more than i should have to someone who probably won’t get it .. this weekend my sister’s in law mentioned that her husband claims he is sterile .. in turn it made me look at myself .. even though my husband has sperm and i have egg .. we look like we are sterile .. my biggest weakness is i care about what others think of me .. one day i would just like to give up and not care and go about my life happily ..
unexplained infertility was out of my control therefore i would like to make the most of my life instead of living in a constant state of uncertainty .. praying for all of us to get that confidence that we need .. and for our pains to disappear.
I also worry too much about what others think. I worry about feeling pitied, and in turn I feel ashamed of who I am and I let it influence my actions. I know it’s perfectly natural but I really hate that I care so much about what others think. My dear husband and I want to pack up and leave all our friends in ny because the thought of all our friends continuing their perfect fertile lives and pitying us is too depressing to handle. I’ve been feeling incredibly sad today and just doubting my entire existence. My mom had to remind me that I’m not dying and things can always be worse.
It is insensitive for your mother to say that. After all, she is a mother.
Form the article at http://www.resolve.org/support/for-family–friends/infertility-etiquette.html:
Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don’t tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the “worst” thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the “worst” thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the “worst” thing that could happen.
People wouldn’t dream of telling someone whose parent just died, “It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead.” Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don’t tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
I love to pray, specially for kids…but this last month all women who I prayed for….announced THEY ARE PREGNANT !!!
Why it never happened to me? I really don’t know.
I know who I am, a daughter of the Most High !
I have my days, less and less… reaching acceptance.
and then it makes me happy to remember that I helped those babies with my prayers.
Praying for all of us.
Analia, I feel you! Last year I was a little resentful because I specifically prayed for the people around me who were struggling to concieve .. and within months they had announced their pregnancies one after the other .. and none of them were me .. i had of course prayed for myself .. i was sad for myself but later got over it
I like the way you think .. we did help those babies with out prayers .. i will keep that with me .. praying for us too .. bless you
Oh yes, I’ve had a little voice that more and more I manage to tell, “shut up!” I rarely listen to it anymore, as it lies to me. I do what the woman does. I refer to the fact I don’t have children or couldn’t have children (depending on context) and keep talking so that it is just presented as a fact of life, rather than an issue to be interrogated about.
I’ve posted about this quite often.
Thank you for the great advice “and keep talking so that it is just presented as a fact of life, rather than an issue to be interrogated about.” will work on that