By Lisa Manterfield
I’ve been writing and talking a lot about grief lately—here on the blog, in my fiction, in my personal life, in the novels I’m reading, and for the Life Without Baby book. Even when I got chatting to a stranger on a plane, the conversation turned to the topic of grief.
Over paper cups of tea, this woman—who had lost her brother to suicide—and I talked about how grief stays with us long after we’re “over it”, how the shape of grief changes with time, how it can change us, and how everyone carries around their own personal grief.
My only regret in the discussion is that it didn’t begin sooner on our journey, because I would have liked to hear more about what she had to say on the subject. But eventually we parted ways, she to her office and I to catch another flight, and I didn’t have the opportunity to ask her more about her grief.
So, I’d like to ask you instead.
- How has your grief changed over time?
- How has your loss changed you?
- In what ways has your grief crept out, even when you’ve tried to keep it under wraps?
As a society, I don’t believe the topic of grief gets enough attention. We’re uncomfortable with grieving people, no matter what type of loss they’ve suffered, but it’s especially true when the loss isn’t understood.
So let’s start the conversation now. Let’s talk about this grief. I’d love to hear what you have to say.
Even though I have not gone through a “tangible” loss .. i have almost lost a dream or maybe the reality of becoming a mother .. i mourn not having the child i envisioned .. I should’ve had 2 children by now .. but instead after years of trying .. i have never gotten 1 positive pregnancy test .. and not even the doctors know why .. this is the pain i feel with unexplained infertility .. most people don’t understand .. and give unhelpful advice .. suggestions of what to do to have a baby .. when i have been there and done that. they don’t seem to grasp that it is completely out of my control. but anyway ..
How has your grief changed over time?
I have gotten more used to it .. but i have isolated myself from those that may make insensitive comments/questions. if someone does mention something about the topic i still get very sensitive .. it’s a touchy subject for me but i’m doing just a little better than the previous years. slowly accepting fate. still some triggers get to me though.
how has your loss changed you?
I often think about life very deeply but i need to remind myself to keep it light and keep it moving .. i’ve become so offended and just less social because of this loss .. just working on getting out of this gloomy cloud
•In what ways has your grief crept out, even when you’ve tried to keep it under wraps?
every now-and-then just thinking about how quickly the years pass but noticing how long it’s been since i have been trying with no success and no explanation why – it gets to me and makes me feel so down .. i hope one day to be at peace with everything .. just constantly being reminded of what i dont have or what i’ve failed at gets to me .. see people with their baby strollers in the mall .. it’s like i cant escape it .. the only time i did escape it was going to a casino buffet .. where there were no children in sight! I do not care to go to the clubs or other adult only places .. but maybe i should find more places that cater to adults only
My husband and I tried to have a baby for ten years. I am now fours years into accepting my childless life. A lot has happened during that time…
How has your grief changed over time?
It is not longer all-consuming. I don’t panic at the thought of not having a baby.
How has your loss changed you?
I think I appreciate moments with the kids in my life (nieces, nephews, our exchange daughter, our fur baby) more than if I had been blessed with getting pregnant easily. For example, I loved having the opportunity to pick my nieces up from school. While I hear parents complain about the car line, it was one of the best moments of my life! I cherish those times because I don’t get to have them every day.
In what ways has your grief crept out, even when you’ve tried to keep it under wraps? Grief still sneaks up on me. I’ll feel an unexpected pang in my heart and realize that the pain is still there. But it doesn’t show up as often as it used to…
My childlessness is also not a tangible loss and at times that seems harder because when you have a miscarriage or lose a baby people understand more than when you have the loss of a dream…
Although I am through with my childlessness Journey and my focus is on more tangible losses (basically the loss of my spouse of 39 years) so I am answering these questions with the comparison of both losses
How has your grief changed over time?
In any type of Grief I find you NEVER get over it, you go through it and you still cry at times, it is just as not intense or as often as at the beginning
How has your loss changed you?
Both losses have helped me become a better person, it has helped me concentrate on what I dont have but on what I do
have and to find ways I can help others…
Ways I can help Mothers, children, widows
I am finding our childlessness loss is not a battle of us against parenthood but rather it is a battle within ourselves to be whom we thought we should be…
thus with the recent loss of my spouse I am finding nothing is permanent but it is all loaned to us for a season and we are never alone…many are on the same journey
In what ways has your grief crept out, even when you’ve tried to keep it under wraps?
Grief for any reason comes at the most inoportune times…maybe a sermon on the Family, or when shopping for one at the Grocery store, or when we remember something from our past…
I no longer cry for not having children…my tears now are for needing my spouse, my helplessness at times when I need him the most, for the emptiness of the Christmas tree, for the quietness of my home…
Did I appreciate us being a couple when we were trying to have children? Maybe not…I was focused on what we didnt have…a chid. Now I wish I could go back 10-15 years but am learning there is no where else to go but forward.
Never take what you have now for granted.
This is such a good topic, with good questions too, that I actually answered on my own blog, and sent my readers here to check it out. The sheer idea of talking about grief is revolutionary here in NZ – although I will say I think the Maori culture deal with it better than most of the rest of us. Here’s the link to my answers – http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.co.nz/2017/09/talking-about-grief.html
My grief has been funny in a lot of ways. Sometimes it pops up out of nowhere and I am completely unprepared, and other times I feel like it should be there and just forgot to show up.
My husband and I first found out that we were dealing with infertility a month before my father-in-law died. I feel like I lost a year of my life somehow in the beginning. My grief was so overwhelming at the loss of someone that I loved and this dream of having a family of my own. There are days I just don’t remember because it hurt too much to be present. But over time it has faded. Now I find my grief comes all at once with surprising speed and power, but then it’s over. It’s less like a constant wave and more of a short, but strong rain shower when it gets triggered.
I have found that I give people much more grace now than I did before. When I witnessed grief and suffering as a younger person I had an expectation of how long it was ok to grieve. And I believed that people should still be cognizant of how they treated others. What I learned from my experience with grief is that it makes people do funny things. Sometimes I was mean to people that I love very much. And sometimes I was lost and incapable of accomplishing small tasks. Now, when I witness someone who is suffering whether from loss whether it be the dream of parenthood, marriage, someone they loved, or anything else I have so much more compassion. Loss takes a toll and it can be near impossible to function in the beginning. I also am much more apt to ask for help and support after my losses. Before I felt like I needed to be strong and independent, but this experience taught me that some things are just too big for one person to tackle alone.
My grief often surprises me. Holidays tend to be difficult for me. And sometimes the funniest things trigger feelings of loss or hopelessness. Mostly though, I find my grief surprises me when I am feeling weak and worn down. If I am tired it is much more likely to leak out and express itself.
Hi Lisa,
I found this blog post through Mali’s post. It actually inspired me to write my own post about it, too, so thank you for the inspiration! Since my blog is in German, I will try to summarize my answers in English:
1. At first, my grief was all-consuming. Now it is much more gentle and comes up quite rarely.
2. I like that the question is not IF my loss has changed me, because it is clear that it must have done that! I have learned that many people go through difficult situations without other people knowing about it. Also, I think I have become more understanding and tolerant. Self-care was another important lesson.
3. Even when I didn’t burst into tears (I usually made it to the washroom), I am sure my grief showed through my lack of energy, the way I walked and the kind of face I made. This was later confirmed to me by my coworkers who were kind enough to say nothing at the time, but let me decide when it was the right time to talk about it.
Like you, I think that grief is still too much of a taboo, that’s why I like to write about it!
Kind regards from Switzerland!