As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods
I think a lot of us can relate to Sarah’s story. Following three miscarriages, she is now, at age 36, facing a life without children and struggling to accept her new path. When asked “What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?” she said, “Knowing what I am missing, imagining the ‘ghosts’ of my nonexistent children just doing everyday things. We only have one life to live, and I am never going to get to experience being a mother in my life.”
That last comment is just a dagger to my heart. I can feel the pain of her losses as I read the details of her story, and I hope after you’ve read it, you’ll offer her some sisterly understanding and compassion in the Comments.
LWB: Describe your dream of motherhood.
Sarah: I always wanted kids. I remember how I felt the first time a baby fall asleep on my chest when I was babysitting. Now I feel like my soul has been hollowed out from my chest, leaving a gaping hole.
LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?
Sarah: Three miscarriages, all the tests, no explanation. Now my husband says he can’t do it anymore, can’t see me go through it again.
LWB: Where are you on your journey now?
Sarah: Angry, beyond sad, torn between acceptance, and trying behind my husband’s back since he said no to IVF.
LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”
Sarah: In my head I say “None living.” I wish I could say it out loud. But usually I just say “No” and do whatever I can to get away.
LWB: What do you look forward to now?
Sarah: My dogs are my salvation. I don’t know what I would do without them. I look forward to being able to be a great dog mom and spending more time on my own life.
LWB: How has LWB helped you on your journey?
Sarah: There is so much out there on infertility, but it’s always about people trying to get pregnant. I am so glad to see that some people are here saying they are working on living childfree. It’s better than dwelling on infertility. I have spent 20 years thinking about being pregnant and having kids. Here I can start to change the conversation.
Where are you on your journey? Are your wounds raw? Have you made some progress toward accepting a life without children? We can all benefit from hearing about your experiences, plus we’d like to support you. Please visit the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire, and consider sharing your story with women who truly understand what you’re going through.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
dear Sarah,
thank you for sharing your story.
Wishing you all the best for the future!
Klara
Thank you for bravely sharing your story, Sarah. I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this. You are right that because of safe places like this, we can start to change the conversation about infertility. I pray you find peace as you begin to accept your childless life. After a 10 year infertility struggle, I am four years into accepting my childless life, and I now have more good days than bad. Sending you hugs.
Dear Sarah
I totally relate to you..I am exactly in the same boat…unfortunately!
Me and hubby got married in Dec 2003.. started ttc 2 yrs later. Never in our worst dreams we imagined we would go down the infertility road! Drs couldn’t find a reason.. and our emotions have gone through a rollercoaster! Finally when we decided to just accept and come to peace.. came the surprise last year..I was pregnant but unfortunately ended in a mc. This yr I got pg again… but sadly lost my baby again.. this was last sunday.
My hubby is same as yours.. he doesn’t want to do it anymore.. and I am torn! Don’t know if I’ll come to peace again and move on… only time will tell!
I’m so sorry for the loss of your babies, Flo. I pray that you find the peace you desire that you and your husband can both agree on what path you should take. It took my hubby and me a little while to agree, but we finally did. If you keep communicating, I’m sure you will, too.