By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
I really thought I was healed, or at least was very close. I had mostly released what I felt I’d been cheated out of and was actively embracing a Plan B. I felt like a trailblazer, a role model, a success story.
Oh, how the mighty fall.
It was late on a gloomy, wintry afternoon when I came across a photo on Facebook of a dear friend, her wonderful husband, and their two beautiful children decorating their Christmas tree together. Something I will never get to do. One look at that image of perfection—my idea of perfection—and I lost it.
We’re talking throwing-family-heirloom-ornaments-in-the-trash kind of lost it. All the anger, bitterness, hurt, shame, heartaches, sadness, unfairness, why-not-me-ness I thought I’d worked out of my system came down upon me like a devastating avalanche. It was epic. It was ugly.
Fortunately, I got talked back out of my hell-hole by an understanding husband and compassionate friend. The tossed ornaments were retrieved, my body was hugged, my spirit was soothed. (But, no, I was not able to bring myself to decorate my home for merriment I could not fake.)
Humbled, and more than a little embarrassed, I took a fresh look at myself and again was reminded that the whole grieving-to-healing journey is not as straightforward as traveling from A to B. It’s crooked, jagged, with obstacles, speed bumps, and small triumphs followed cruel “family” holidays. Recovery is a process.
My friends who have battled alcohol addiction know quite a bit about what it means to be in recovery, and I think we can benefit from their wisdom and experience. When the temptation to slide back down into the deep, dark holes of depression and despair grows strong, when our resolve is weakened, when recovery seems like too much work or unachievable, we can borrow some of their slogans and tell ourselves:
Keep it simple.
Easy does it.
First things first.
Just for today.
How important is it?
Keep an open mind.
Live and let live.
Let go and let God.
One day at a time.
I now keep these reminders on my desktop, within reach for when I need a boost or in case I feel a new meltdown coming on. Perhaps one of them will help you today.
During the holiday season, Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a little less at peace with her child-less status.
My meltdown (and my husband’s) came last Sunday. We are members of a wonderful small group at our church and one of the couples has been openly struggling with secondary infertility. My husband and I both felt compassion and also a strange sense of togetherness with this couple until last week when they announced that not only are they pregnant, but there is a high possibility of twins through their IVF procedure. Luckily we made it to the car before the meltdown started, but this is not the first time I have been sent into a straight up tail spin by someone in our church family. It is disheartening to think that I am holding it together and really heading towards acceptance only to be slapped in the face with the reality that my fragile heart is far from healed. My mantra on days like those is “give yourself grace” and “feel whatever you feel”. I repeat these things to my husband as well when he becomes overwhelmed.
I’ve been there too, Emory, and I’m so sorry.
All but the God part.
This whole experience has made me look se my faith completely. I refuse to believe in a God that would do this to me. That would cause me so much pain just because HE decided there’s apparently “a better plan.” That is not something that I can fathom. A kind and loving God would not do or allow these things to happen to his children.
No, this happened to me because of the choices I made and the science didn’t work..
Cathy, I’m so sorry that you have lost your faith. We live in a fallen world full of sin with illness and sadness and a plan that is impossible for us to understand… I do pray that you find peace in your childless journey.
Great reminders ! Hard to follow sometimes….
It’s a tough time of year.
I dont think I’ve had a meltdown but I’ll get bad jealous thoughts about people and their families. And I know its not nice. But I’ll be like whatever…they are popping out another kid or getting married. And here I am alone at 41 with my cats. Its hard to explain. I don’t want to be a nasty jealous person and I don’t actually express these things out loud but I want to roll my eyes. I guess it’s the anger coming out.
My meltdowns come when the one person who said they didn’t want kids….who I think shouldn’t have had kids….is your sister. My sister is a narcissist and her kids are a status symbol, a way to get stuff/money/sympathy/attention from others.
At Thanksgiving she was trying to say something and her son said it first and you would have thought he had told everyone the launch codes with the way she acted after. I just wanted to slap her and say what the f is wrong with you.
Ugh… so sorry… I have a sister in law that’s a narcissist so I feel for you. The world revolves around them and THE BABY, even though the kid is now 8 years old. She will sulk or rage if not enough attention is being paid to her. She’s extremely manipulative and takes zero responsibility for her bad behavior. It’s so painful that she was allowed to be a mom but not me. Of course my mother in law is codependent with her and caves to her every whim. Completely depressing AND infuriating.
Yep…that sounds like my sisters except we’ve all stopped helping with her bills. She lives with our father but only because of the kids. He would kick her out if it wasn’t for the kids. Our brother, who would give you the shirt off his back, has even stopped helping her. She has yet to noticed that we have stopped helping HER and are only taking care of the kids. Not that they need much…they are 10 and 11.
She only works at jobs meant for teenagers, only has two real bills (because she lives with dad) and never has the money for them and when we ask where is the child support money from the daddy (amazingly both kids are from the same father) she always has an excuse to cover his a$$. The last straw with most of us was this Thanksgiving. She invited the father and the women he had an affair with (while they were married and had a baby with) to dinner and didn’t tell anyone…we were all pissed. Because not 3 months ago we all pitched in to help her get a lawyer for her to change custody and child support payments. And it was a NASTY fight. And there he was at Thanksgiving dinner like nothing happened!!
She drives me up the wall!!!