We could easily compile an entire encyclopedia of unhelpful, and even hurtful, things people have said to us. I think this one stings as much as any:
“Everything Happens for a Reason”
Do you agree? Or do you have your own favorite “helpful” slight?
Comments
I kinda like the meme that says
Everything happens for a reason, don’t be surprised when I slap you in the face. It happened for a reason.
Or
Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes that reason is that you’re stupid and make bad decisions.
The reason I don’t have kids isn’t under my control.
But the reason my sister has kids is that she made a bad decision.
She wouldn’t give up her kids for any reasons but because of the kids her life has been far from easy. Especially with a dead beat ex husband.
One of my New Year’s resolutions is to meet rudeness with rudeness. You don’t like me being rude, then don’t be rude to me. Haven’t had to use it yet. But there have been some recent changes in my life and a LOT of new people have been added to it. One of those people is bound to be rude.
Thanks Kara – I Just LOL when I read “everything happens for a reason, don’t be surprised when I slap you in the face. it happened for a reason”.
We must challenge comments like these – people really think its ok, or helpful. My mum has made comments like this over the years – “it was meant to be” I said recently “why am I not meant to be a mother – why have I suffered loss and sadness repeatedly – no it wasn’t meant to be – I was meant to be a mother”. She went very quiet indeed……
This remark has been very damaging to me. Because a lot of people connect it to a spiritual, higher power, or god knows best. Because of infertility and these comments, it really messed with a spiritual connection I use to have. And I felt it was easy for people to say that who had kids and used that. Basically in my mind it meant a God or who ever does not want me to have kids and is trying to teach me some kind of lesson, but a bunch of BS. Many people suffer or have experienced hardships related to infertility or other difficult life situations beyond their power or control. For me , having this community, a lot of grief work and outside help Ali g with different books have helped me walk thru this painful journey. But connecting a higher power to the reason of infertility is something I refuse to do. One book that really helped me was why bad things happen to good people, that helped me sort out painful situations in my life while helping me to recultivate a spiritual connection. I do love some of Kathie’s responses which I may use in the future. Thanks for the topic , I appreciate all of you.
There is sin and hurt in this world, but that was brought about by man. God wants only good things for us. So, it saddens me greatly when the “Everything happens for a reason” comment causes others pain and to question God’s love. He is not punishing us, nor did He think we would be bad mothers. It’s just that we live in a fallen world…
For me, “just relax” was the most hurtful statement. Those who get pregnant easily simply do not understand how impossible it is to “just stop thinking about it” when you are charting and timing and scheduling doctor’s appointments. Plus, it made me feel like I was doing something wrong which was causing us to not be able to become pregnant.
I honestly don’t know how a fallen world relates to one’s infertility. If God only wanted good things for us does that mean being a mother would not be a good thing for us? If so, then why plant the desire in my heart? After our last embryos failed and I was too old to make more, any and all spiritual beliefs went out the window for me. I understood then that it is just how the science worked out. As humans we seek answers and meaning. But sometimes there is none. It’s just how the science worked or didn’t.
I know what you mean about how the science worked out. I have restored some of my spiritual faith by seeing it as such. I believe now that no-one has any control over any of it. I remind myself daily – I’m not bad or unworthy – it just didn’t happen and no-one can do anything to change it.
I am with you. I went from being mad at god to being a full blown atheist. The personal experience with infertility and multiple miscarriages including the final miracle pregnancy and missed miscarriage at 10 weeks made me realize that life is just random. Good and bad things happen to both good and bad people. Plenty of good people who want children can’t have them and plenty of bad people who shouldn’t have children do and ruin those children’s lives. There is no larger reason or purpose. All we have control over is how we choose to react and move forward.
My sister thought she was being “helpful” when she brought up the abortion that I’d had when I was younger. She is very intolerant of my pain and she mocks me every time it comes up. She basically said that I had no right to mourn (the infertility issues that my husband and I went through as a couple) because I had my chance to be a mother (when I was young and single and no chance of a relationship with the father of the child) and I blew it. I can’t forgive that.
So sorry for all you’ve been through – you most definitely need to grieve. I think you made the right decision when you were younger. Big hugs to you (can you distance yourself from your very insensitive sister). Thinking of you
Someone at church recently told me that maybe I haven’t had children because my family celebrates Halloween. It’s actually a little more involved than that – my family does a haunted house for charity on Halloween every year and its more cheesy than scary – and this person said God probably doesn’t want to bring children into all that negativity (I assume she meant the semi-scary haunted house part and not the charity part). So, I’ve heard A LOT but this was hands down the most unhelpful, and ridiculous, one so far! Of course, this was so silly that it didn’t make me mad or sad, just a head scratcher. The other unhelpful ones usually tend to me hurtful too though, I assume, intentionally on the part of the person saying them.
I’ve blogged about this very subject and the bottom line is:
Everything happens. There is no reason!
Life happens. Death happens. Good and bad things happen. Rain and sunshine happen. Babies didn’t happen for me. There’s no higher spiritual entity that decreed this for me. It is what it is.
When will people stop issuing platitudes instead of validating us by actively listening and simply hearing our words, offering a hug and easing our isolation?
Well said and totally agree – it took me far too long to see it this way and with some comments I can still find myself questioning it. Thank you again for reminding me – hugs to us all.
Oh I hate that phrase!
I prefer this rewritten version i found on these greeting cards https://the-good-bitches-baking-fundraising-shop.myshopify.com/products/sweary-greeting-cards “everything happens for a reason, a f’ing Stupid reason”
I still don’t know why pregnancy never happened to me. Quite frankly I don’t ask why, I am trying to accept the fact that nobody walks on my shoes but me.
NOPE. Nope, nope, nope. Not everything happens for a reason. Some things just happen. Or, in my case, they don’t happen.
I went off on a tangent during one of my presentations at school last year where I told my classmates to never ever utter those words “everything happens for a reason” to their future patients. If you feel that way, fine. Just keep it to yourself. People go through pain in life. They go through major losses; they go through trauma. If you want to connect with people and care for them, I told my class, you will never dismiss their experience with insensitive, unthoughtful platitudes.
Like I said, it was a total tangent. I hadn’t even planned to say any of that. It just came out in the moment. I wondered if it was going to affect my grade (not that I cared) or if my words were well received, but I was glad I said all that. After class, several different people (including one person I had never said more than “hi” to) thanked me for saying that. You just never know what other people have been/are going through…