I’ve been dating. Friend dating that is. As you can imagine, it’s been a challenge.
A few months ago, Mr. Fab and I moved to a new city at the opposite end of the state. As part of the move, I prepared myself for “friend dating” getting myself out into social situations where I could meet new people and hopefully make good friends.
Friend dating is hard enough, but I think it’s doubly so, when children won’t be common ground on which you can build a friendship. Irrespective of this handicap, I’ve been making an effort to meet new people. I joined a gym and have been challenging myself to strike up a conversation with someone new every time I go.
Last week, while I was waiting for my class to start, I smiled at a friendly-looking woman and initiated a conversation. It was general ice-breaking chit-chat, a comment about how the class seemed lighter today and that the traffic had been heavier on my drive over because the Junior College was back in session.
“Oh right,” she said. “I wondered about that. I drop off my daughter at the school and then drive my little one to pre-school and it took me ages this morning.”
Before I ping-pong a comment back or ask her a getting-to-know-you question, another woman stepped into the conversation and said, “Oh, you have a preschooler? I have a preschooler, where does yours go?”
And then she quite literally stepped into the conversation. She all but put her body between me and my potential new friend, as if I wasn’t even there.
In the past, I would have been devastated. You know the feeling when your heart sinks, your stomach sinks lower, and your entire body follows along. I would have felt dejected, rejected, ashamed, and worthless. I would have slinked away to my little childless corner and stayed there feeling worthless.
But I didn’t. I laughed. Out loud.
Because it finally dawned on me, it’s not about me, it’s not about my childlessness. It’s not even about moms elbowing us out of their important conversations.
It’s about one self-centered and pretty bad mannered individual on a mission to find her tribe, to fulfill her wants and needs, in this case to find a sympathetic ear to listen to her woes about moving her kid to a new school in the fall. She definitely wasn’t going to find that in me.
And the truth is, I was doing a similar thing. I was putting out feelers, looking for common ground, trying to fill my own needs and find my tribe. And these women, the second one especially, weren’t going to fulfill those needs.
The whole ludicrous situation made me realize just how far I’ve come. This year will mark nine years since I got off the baby crazy train. It’s a long time, but I’m happy to report that the Mom Snub bounced off me in a way I never could have imagined nine years ago.
Still, this puts me back in the friend dating game again. But it helped me realize that moms aren’t the enemy, it’s just that I need to find woman—childless or otherwise—for whom motherhood isn’t the sole focus of their existence at this time in their lives.
Maybe in 15 years or so, once she’s packed her kid off to college, her priorities will change. Maybe then we can become friends then.
If I’m not too busy with all my other new friends.
I really enjoyed this blog and the last two lines resonated with me “…it’s just that I need to find woman—childless or otherwise—for whom motherhood isn’t the sole focus of their existence at this time in their lives.” This is where I am in my life right now. I am 47 and surrendered to life without baby a few years ago. Most times I am at peace, but still feel twangs of pain from time to time. The knowledge that I am childless will never leave me. I love my nieces and nephews, but I no longer wish to spend my free time in the company of others whose whole world is all about mommy hood right now. I have hosted and attended too-many-to-count baby showers, birthday parties, dance & piano recitals, and graduations in my lifetime already.
And so it should be easy enough, to have the freedom to pick and choose your own tribe of friends, right? Or so I thought. Yet, here I am, stuck in a rock and hard place with DH’s friend’s wife, who is 14 years younger than me, socially immature, and somewhat self-absorbed. Over the years and after trying to engage with her, DH agrees with me, it’s very hard to be friends with her. Now she is prego after struggling to get pregnant herself. And how does she share her exciting news, but by messaging a photo of her positive pregnancy stick (without any text to accompany it). A few weeks later, a message photo of her sonogram appears; and a few weeks after that, a selfie of her side profile showing just the eighteen weeks baby pooch. Upon receiving her messages, salt pours into the wound and I become paralyzed with what to do and how best to respond. It is not my intention to offend her, but what’s the saying, “when you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything”? So I settle with that, for a while.
She has few friends and thinks of me as one of hers, but I feel stuck because I am the last person who wants to join her tribe, yet feel pressure that I must, for the preservation of my husband’s relationship with his friend. I know the polite thing to do would be to engage and say “Congratulations!” and “How are you feeling?” or “Don’t you look adorable in that dress?” and all those things pregnant women want to hear. And then I do just that. I finally write something short and sweet so I don’t come across as being rude. But I am tired of feeling forced into it this type of engagement. DH knows how I feel and supports me, but he is also concerned how this will affect his friendship with his long-time friend. So I am bracing myself for more of these challenges ahead, and praying I do not have 15 more years of this. How does someone who is life without baby, ever get someone who has baby to understand our feelings? The answer: never.
On a positive note, it is wonderful to have found this blog to share my struggle, so thank you for sharing yours!
I’ve never heard the term “friend dating” before. I love it!
It’s a long journey to get to where the mommy snub rolls off you. I’m not there yet.
Hope you find friends soon Lisa.
Also, just adding, even though I haven’t moved, somehow I’m always looking for a new friend. Maybe because a friend without kid (s) is so hard to find.
I love the ending of this. Maybe, once their kids are off their hands, you might be friendly with person one, but person two maybe not. Or at least, I wouldn’t seek her out.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head though. The key is finding friends for whom motherhood isn’t the sole focus of their existence. I’ve been very lucky. Several of my female friends have children, and even when they are focused on the kids, they still have time for their friends, for chat, for books, for travel, for other parts of life. They’re the ones I treasure.
Oh, and PS. Good luck friend dating.
I’ve had friends that completely stop inviting and ignore me once they have kids. Now some of them have older kids and are trying to reconnect and I’m too busy to make time for them. I’ve actually found some great new friends with local meet up groups.