My friend Patti* announced to our group of mutual friends that after a long period of trying to decide if she really really wanted kids, she was pregnant. We raised our glasses of nonalcoholic sparkling cider and toasted her future, then Ellen, one of our childfree friends, leaned over to me and whispered, “Well, I guess she got her happy ending.”
It’s been weeks since this scenario, and I can’t get it out of my head. Why is it that for so many women, a “happy ending” means the over-the-top wedding with the fairy princess bridal gown or a baby? Just look at movies geared toward women—“chick flicks”—and you’ll see what I mean. Stressed-out career gal lands hot leading man and looks forward to blissful domestic life. Cinderella gets her Prince. The bridesmaids finally all get along. Soft-focus on a pink, pudgy baby as happy parents gaze lovingly at each other and fade to credits.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned through my journey, is that there are no happy “endings,” but lots of new beginnings. I mean, if you think about it, Patti’s ending is actually the beginning of a new chapter in her life, one that I hope will be mostly happy. And if there’s another thing I’ve learned, it’s that there are as many definitions of “happy” as there are people.
Some of my happy beginnings include finally getting married in my mid-40s because I loved the guy (versus needing to find a father for future children), discovering the satisfaction of a challenging and thriving career, having the time and energy to be a devoted friend and the world’s best aunt, and doing some things that are fun and are just for me.
Happy ending? Pfft! I’m just getting started!
*Not their real names, of course.
I’m experimenting with trying new things, trying to figure out what I’ll include in my next chapter. Taking a class (or going back to school?), engaging in potential new hobbies, challenging my mind and body in new-to-me ways…all are on the to do list. I’d love some inspiration and hope you’ll share your ideas/plans in the Comments. xoKGW
Thanks for this interesting subject of what is really a happy ending and for your words : “there are as many definitions of “happy” as there are people”. It’s really inspiring…
I’m just getting started!
BTW: I am stealing this sentence. Just love it!!!
Thank you !!!!
Love your articles …..They are so real , not sugary , I can always identify,luv luv this blog was sharing with my counsellor ,who has been with me since 1994 as I walked through infertility and the overwhelming almost suicidal finality of the menopause, how supportive this blog is and how it has empowered and changed me….so thankful…..I live in a small coastal town in northern ireland!!!!Internet never ceases to amaze me xx
Thank you! So pleased we’ve found each other here. 🙂
I am happily childfree ~ & whenever one of the childfree women in my world announce they are with child, I mourn their loss.
I finally got my happy ending. And by that I mean, after the last 7 horrible years of infertility and debilitating depression, failed fertility treatments, and working through devastating grief and trauma, I am happy again. Honestly, genuinely happy.
I like my life and that is no small miracle. I moved to a place where I want to live and I went back to school for a career I want to spend the rest of my life doing. I look forward to meeting new people and graduating and getting a job so I can afford to get a dog.
I am thankful for my happiness and I am damn proud of myself for working so hard to create a life that I want to live. Not every happy ending to infertility includes parenting.
I love hearing how you got through it and have come out the other side. I just love this so much.
This is so encouraging, Phoenix! I’m so happy for you. Brava!
Wonderful post and all the comments – so helped me today. Thank you everyone for sharing. I would not have made it through the last 5 years without you all. This has been a lifeline. “Just getting started” – so right. I heard a casual announcement this week and for the first time in 20 years I didn’t feel pain in my heart or a tightening in my throat, I didn’t even have a quiet cry later in the day. Progress of a massive magnitude. Xx
I’m 57… getting close to 60! My daughter was stillborn 20 years ago and it’s been 17 years since I realized children were not going to be in the cards for us, and walked away from infertility treatments. But that was not my “ending.” I feel like there’s still so much more out there for me to do, see, explore, experience. Like you, I feel like I’m still just getting started! 🙂