As the New Year begins and everyone around you is posting about goals for the year ahead, do you find it hard to envision a future that doesn’t include children?
This is the topic for this week’s Whiny Wednesday:
Feeling lost
Tell us what’s going on with you.
Most days I feel lost. I am 48, so most of my friends have teens or college age children. When friends talk about having to face the “empty nest” part of their life that is coming, I think, that is what I feel like all the time. Difference is, their little “birds” will return. Mine will not. Feeling lost is a hole that never gets filled. It is the lump in my throat when I hear someone is pregnant. It is my smile that covers the pain. It is watching my friends as their families grow. It is all the stingy words people say but don’t know they are hurting me. It is feeling like you are on the outside looking in.
Cathy,
The stingy things people say…Lately, my friends have been asking me, “why don’t you adopt?” This question is so offensive to me, it is a personal choice that my husband and I have thought about over and over. I have two infertile friends that have been through adoptions only to have the mother take the baby back. Adopting is not the magic wand for those of us who can’t have a baby. I keep hoping that 2019 will bring some generic form of happiness and health. What I really want is for 2019 to bring a baby to my uterus.
Truthfully, I’m finding it harder and harder to envision a future with children. I often say, “when we have kids” or “our kids will…” when out with husband observing things (clothes, furniture, parents, random kids in Target) but I don’t honestly believe what I’m saying. I could envision my marriage with husband. I envisioned owning a home. But a baby… it seems so odd now. So alien that we would be blessed with such a HUGE event in our lives.
And unfortunately, or ironically – I’m not sure, this hasn’t made it any easier to look at that negative pregnancy test each month. I’m struggling to find peace right now. I’m so happy I’ve found this blog and really happy for the chance to whine.
Jenn; I am praying for you…
And while I’m here…
My sister had a baby boy today. She was in a terrible trauma almost 5 years ago leaving her with third-degree burns on 70% of her body. After the trauma, she went on the pill to regulate her crazy cycle. I on the other hand, had a non-detectable AMH level at the age of 34, been through 3 myomectomies and several rounds of failed IUI. My sister can barely take care of herself and she and her boyfriend got pregnant while taking birth control. Whoever is in charge of doling out healthy pregnancies is at the top of my ****list. I want to be happy and hopeful at the start of this new year but instead I just feel lost.
It’s sad our society doesn’t mourne this. It is also sad that it is 2019 and we are still hurting in silence. But what a blessing to have a place to release our hurting. I have read all your comments and I’m praying for all of you. ❤️
My sister has two and is so incapable of taking care of herself she and her kids live with our father. Now she wants another baby with her boyfriend! What the hell?! 11 and 12 years old and those kids take care of themselves far more than she takes care of them. AND the 11 year old is starting to steal things. She pays ZERO attention to them and she wants another one?! She should just go work in a daycare if she wants to play with a baby so badly.
Thank you, Analia, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
it seems acceptable to talk about your family, but not the pain of not having a family. I am so glad I found this group as it is good to know I am not alone
I’m turning 30 at the end of the month and my 1 year hysterversary/unilateral oopherectomy/bilateral salpingectomy occurs just over a week after. So, not only am I hitting the big 3-0 I’m also reminded of the keen sting of completely losing my fertility. To top it off I’m still battling physical pain that I may have to deal with for the rest of my life on top of the emotional pain. I know few people my age who have been through anything similar which is all the more isolating. I feel quite lost at sea trying to navigate my life.
I had a quiet Christmas and New Year’s celebration because it’s been raining here in the Philippines. Christmas here is crazy, and the tradition that this season is “for children” and “family” like no one spends Christmas as couple, and if it’s add in the Western culture, I must say it’s the oddest here in Asia.
I feel lost because I really miss my college friends. There were five of us, and I love them all. They all have children now, one lives in the US with her American husband and just gave birth this December. Though the three of them are good with me, they did not really make my feel bad about my situation being childless, there’s this one that just the total opposite, I feel like she enjoys it when I’m miserable. She was been treating my like that ever since we were in college so I started avoiding here when we graduated which was a long time ago. Now that we are all married and have our own lives, I really miss them and want to spend time with them even with their children along, except for this one barracuda.
Since I have been avoiding this one so-called friend, I had to avoid all of them because I don’t want to feel more miserable. they all have children except me.
I miss my friends, I miss talking about life with them and laugh with them. But now, I have drifted myself apart from them and I feel like I don’t have friendship like that anymore. I don’t have close friends at work that i can talk my feelings with. It’s different now. It;s not easy to have friends at our age, late thirties.
I feel so lost with regards to my social life since my friendship is almost zero. We don’t even chat anymore because I feel like they are too lazy to chat with me since all they talk about are children. I mean I’m fine if they talk about their children with me because I’d love to hear it too. But that’s not the reality.
But still, at least I have a good relationship with my husband, and that’s what matters.
Thanks for allowing me to rant here.
I thought I was getting more used to ths life without chidren stuff, but not at the moment. The holidays are always a painful reminder, my friends are so busy with their famiies that from early December until after the holidays they are engaged and too busy to meet up. I tried to develop a couple of friendships last year within a group I am in, but this wasn’t successful outside of the arranged meetings and events, so I’m feeling lost again! I will try something new, when I can muster the enthusiam, but today is not that day.
I”ll be 34 this year and cringed just by saying that. ..still single. I tried to get pregnant last year but didnt. It shattered my heart in a billion pieces. Ive been trying all ny life. But that hurt the worst because. I thought things were looking up for me. But no they were still the same. I felt in my heart it was my wake up call to let it go. I accepted that mentally but my heart still aches for a baby. Its to the point of desperation but I know that still wouldn’t get me a baby. Its not fair I just want to be pregnant. I don’t know what it even feels like. Its frustrating and honestly why I’m not happy bout this new year. Its like I can’t even try anymore cause single, and I gotta watch the last of my fertile years fade. I’m not a Happy Camper.
Christmas is often hard, but this time it was ok.
But lady night I dreamed that I was pregnant and about to give birth as a surrogate – to an elephant!
Maybe a sign that the thoughts of a baby are finally more of a dream than an actual hope?
At fifty, it’s about time!
Oh i am a week late to whiney Wednesday but i so need this! i turned 40 last year and tiday is my 20th wedding anniversary. We got married so young and planned on having 19 kids. Now we have had 10 ivf transfers and not one baby. We are broke. Our marriage is frayed and i feel broken. i am so sick of so many complete idiots having kid after kid. I even feel jealous of my wonderful friends who have children who are growing each year. So many experiences i will never have. I think it is particularly hard for us infertiles at christmas/new years. It all feels so empty. I want to try and make this a happy day for my husband but i feel so crap. And tge shit that even well meaning people say “i wish i could have a baby for you – i only had to wave my knickers at ny husband and i would get pregnant” – had to restrain myself from punching her in the throat! Ok rant over