We could easily compile an entire encyclopedia of unhelpful, and even hurtful, things people have said to us. I think this one stings as much as any:
“Everything Happens for a Reason”
Do you agree? Or do you have your own favorite “helpful” slight?
Comments
Infertility changed my whole perspective on the world. I no longer believe there is a reason for anything. Life is random, and all we have control over is how we react to it. Having a healthy child is nothing more than pure luck. (BTW – I have only heard some of these obnoxious things from parents with perfectly healthy children. Talk to the truly awesome parents who have special needs children and you’ll never hear these stupid platitudes.)
There are so many well intended yet hurtful sayings that I’ve come to accept that most people just want to say “something” to comfort, even if they don’t think it through. I think I truly began to accept and move forward for my own well being when I started to not let these words take a toll. Easier said than done, but I’m trying to just see each person for who they are and that they may be trying to reach out, just don’t know a better way. So, let’s continue our campaigns of awareness and education!
That sounds like something I might have said at 18 or 20. It’s something a shallow person would say, or perhaps someone extremely nervous and can’t think of anything else.
I don’t really have a go to platitude. I try to meet the individual where they are at, in their pain, and empathize with them there.
I don’t mind the comment. I had people I love die in car accidents, I’ve withstood a lifetime of childhood abuse, I’ve endured severe mental illness and now I can’t have children. I’ve had more tragedy in my life than I care to count, but from my perspective things do happen for a reason, and it takes endurance to learn from it. What else can you do? Constantly complain? Give up? We all have to keep going. Life isn’t always a fairy tale and we don’t (quite often actually) get what we want. But to say there’s no reason is to presume you have all the answers, which is something I avoid presuming.
Not everyone knows what to say in the face of tragedy, and sometimes they may say something you perceive as trite. But that doesn’t mean they don’t care, nor does it mean it’s untrue.
I actually believe that it takes time and perspective to understand the wider implications of things and that it’s not being a “simpleton” to say things happen for a reason. Perhaps you disagree and only feel the good things in life matter or, have a reason. To say even that’s not true means you feel all of life is random to which I’d say – then what’s the point?
But rather than delve into the philosophical implications of such standpoints here, I’d say – try and look to what you have and understand that most people have challenges in life and usually say things out of compassion, not hostility.
Hi Delphi,
I wanted to say thank you for your beautiful response, and I am so sorry for everything you have been through. Although I can’t know what exactly you have been through, I do understand some of the pain you have experienced. I was also abused as a child (sexually), and I have dealt with mental illness for many years (the intensity has increased as I have gotten older, especially after unsuccessful rounds of IVF and infertility). It’s so painful, and I wish no one would ever have to experience any of it.
I don’t know if I feel that everything necessarily happens for a reason. I do however believe that God can take anything that happens to us or those we love and use it to teach us, strengthen us and help us become more empathetic and loving towards one another. It only works if we allow it, if we get honest with ourselves and with Him about how much pain and hurt we feel. It’s just been my experience that once I started to let it all out, the good, the bad and the ugly, and allow myself to even shake my fist at God telling him how angry I am at all of it and asked for His help, that’s when there seemed to be some room for healing to start. Maybe it’s different for everyone, and I have a LONG way to go to heal. I don’t know that I will ever heal completely.
I am finding myself in situations more and more often now where I am in a position to speak to others who have either experienced similar things and are struggling, or to help educate people on how to support and help people who have mental illnesses or are infertile. I know that I have a level of compassion for others who struggle that people may not have if they have not experienced it for themselves. At first, just the idea that this is how my life would end up made me furious. Now, it means so much to me when I am able to help someone else.
I would still do just about anything I could if things could be different and I could have children. But I can’t. I am thankful that I am able to help others and that my losses and pain is not a total waste.
Thanks again for your perspective and voice, it truly touched my heart.
J.L.S