Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Comments

  1. This always annoyed me, and annoyed me even further when people would get annoyed at my annoyance. I’d say ‘well I want my own baby, not just a baby’. That would often be misinterpreted as being ridiculously selfish when I could be a perfectly good mother and there were all these children in desperate need of one. As if it was my moral duty. I’d also get the ‘well I/my mother / my friend was adopted’. Well I wanted my own child with my partner, end of story. And also the whole blasé ‘just adopt’, like picking out a doll in a shop, as if it was that easy. Grr.

  2. They ask us to adopt while adoption was not their first choice, correct???
    We all want to “get pregnant”….
    Enough said…

  3. Oh man…. this one drives me nuts. I started going into a 5 minute long diatribe that leaves peoples mouths open. 1. The cost to adopt is astronomical. 2. It is still a complete emotional rollercoaster and there is no guarantee that wont also end in heartbreak. You may be in limbo for years hoping for a kid but never get one or get emotionally attached to the plan of a getting a baby then the biological family decides to keep the baby. 3. It is becoming more apparent that adopting international is problematic and is a tangled complicated labyrinth to weave.

    I have had people just uncomfortably mutter and walk away and others actually really thank me for explaining how complicated it is.

    Yeah its not just picking out a doll.

  4. Adoption can be absolutely brutal to get through. That’s the route my friends went and it was shattering. They were open to adopting a medically-fragile child and they were matched with a little boy. Horrifically, the child died very shortly before the adoption was finalized. In addition to the expense, the waiting and all the physical/health requirements, (e.g., must lose weight, lower blood pressure, certain meds are off-limits) it’s so arduous. I can’t stand the use of “just” adopt.

  5. People act like adoption is easy and a guarantee. We pursued it after our first loss and ultimately the birth mother changed her mind (that’s her right, not mad at her) we lost money and just couldn’t go through that heartbreak again. Adoption isn’t the answer for infertility, all these people who mention it haven’t adopted themselves so they have no clue.

  6. My favorite comeback that someone used was, “Why don’t *you* just adopt if you think it is so easy.”

  7. Infertility nearly broke me. A failed adoption, given that I no longer have any emotional resiliency after infertility, would break me. I seriously believe I would not survive it.

  8. Oh, I absolutely hate that question. It”s right up there with “My sister’s friend adopted and then found out she was pregnant.” Or the ever cheerfully said “It will happen to you.” Yeah, pardon my cynicism when at 46 I’m already starting menopause. The people who says this usually have their own kids. I’ve often thought the best response to that is “Why did you have kids? Why didn’t you adopt?”

    When I first found out for sure that I was infertile, my sister, who has a biological son, said that to me. Then she went on about how we don’t always get the family we want. Yeah, no. She has no clue what this is like.

    When my husband told me that his doctor said we should adopt (the doctor was adopted), I vetoed that right out the gate. There are many reasons I didn’t want to adopt. The cost, the heartache of not getting the baby, or getting the baby only to have the baby taken away, the heartache of not being the “real” mom, etc. those are some of the reasons. In fact, one of the news stations here followed the struggles a local DJ and his wife went through to adopt.

    I really ever only wanted my own child. I’m just not sure I’d be able to truly love someone else’s child. I don’t know if I have that ability. That may mean I’m selfish, but rather to be that way then adopt a child and not be able to love them like they deserve.

    • I had lunch with a single friend the other day. She is in her late 30s and just started dating a great guy. The subject of kids came up and she said she is okay with or without kids and knew she wouldn’t go the adoption route if it ever got to that point, because she didn’t just want kids – she wanted HER kids.

      It was a relief to hear someone younger saying that! I’ve beat myself up often about my husband and I feeling that same way and wondering if we made a mistake by not looking deeper into adoption. But we truly wanted OUR kids – and that doesn’t make us selfish, but self-aware.

      My friend accepted long ago that she might always be single (she’s okay with that), so I guess imagining life without kids isn’t that much of stretch for her. She knows who she is and has a life she loves.

      Good reminder for me. Kids (however they come to us) aren’t required for our happiness.

  9. I hate the adoption question too. I often say that adoption is not a fix for infertility. It’s a calling. And after going through numerous unsuccessful IVF cycles, I just don’t have the emotional strength to go through the adoption process.