Let’s just say it: Mother’s Day is the nuclear bomb of holidays when you don’t have children. It’s a day of brunches, church services, and flowers, when shops, offices, restaurants, and even our social media feeds are filled with celebrations of moms and all things motherhood. To top it all, this holiday has somehow escaped the political correctness cleanup that other holidays have undergone, so while many people are hesitant these days to wish someone a Merry Christmas, lest they offend, no one seems to have any qualms about wishing everyone a Happy Mother’s Day.
It took me a long time to be able to face Mother’s Day, but in more recent years I’ve done something fun for myself on that weekend. A couple of years ago I planned a trapeze class and another year I ran a half marathon at Disneyland. Each year, I’m able to note that the day bothers me less and less, and I use it to mark my own progress. I know that many of you aren’t there yet, and from past experience I know that it pays to face the day prepared.
If you plan to venture out over Mother’s Day weekend, be ready for almost everyone to wish you a happy Mother’s Day. This includes friends, neighbors, sales assistants, parking attendants, and even complete strangers. Prepare your arsenal of stock replies and be ready to respond, so you don’t find yourself caught unawares and having to explain why you’re standing in the middle of the street in tears, yelling “It’s not a happy day at all!” to an unsuspecting stranger. My standard response is to say “Thank you. You too” and move on as quickly as possible.
Once you’re aware of the inevitable challenges the day can bring, it’s good to make a plan to keep yourself protected. If you know you’re not going to be able to make it through the day with your emotions intact, stay at home or make plans to go somewhere away from the biggest challenge spots. If you’re expected to attend a big family gathering, consider if you could take a pass, just this year. Even if the next Mother’s Day is months from now, take a few minutes to jot down the challenges you might face and come up with a plan. How will you spend the day? How will you honor your own mother? And how will you deal with the challenges you can’t avoid?
I’ve been thinking about Mother’s Day for weeks now. I’m planning to mail all my cards today. This year, that includes a special card to my best friend’s aunt. My friend passed away after a tough battle with cancer. Her aunt took care of her, as my friend’s mom had already passed from cancer many years ago. I’m also planting a gorgeous rose bush in memory of my friend. And I told my hubby that I want to spend the day with him and our fur baby. Brunch and a walk around our beautiful downtown are in store…
I mailed my cards today too. One to my mom, one to my aunt who never married and never had kids of her own, but was like a second mom to me and my brother. I have done this for many years, but I became acutely aware that it was a good thing to do after living my two pregnancies (shortly before and after Mother’s Day, both times…Yeesh.
I think it’s great you honoured your best friend’s aunt. She must be having a rough time because many would not understand her grief at the loss of a niece who was like her own child to her.
I totally agree with planning ahead, and avoiding restaurants and most likely stores as well. It has slowly improved over the years, but I still absolutely avoid restaurants. I’m not sure if it was last year or the year before, we went to a jewelry store in the mall for my husband to look at a watch. Things we’re going fine, till the girl jokingly said “shouldn’t she be getting something as well because it is mother’s day afterLl”. My husband shut her down quickly as I walked away.
I generally send my mom a card, and this year I will visit her and take her to lunch on Monday.
I always have a double whammy at Mother’s Day time–not just infertility, but a difficult, complicated relationship with my own mother, who has had some significant mental health issues my whole life. The gooey sentiments of the mother’s day cards make me cringe, so this year I’ve bought pop-up cards from Lovepop for her and the MIL, and they’ll be mailed mid-week.
I’m feeling pretty okay with it this year–my husband will pick up our usual Sunday coffee and donuts, and I’ll cook something later to avoid going out entirely, and we’ll hang out here with our puppies and have a nice day.
I’ve had a sort of breakthrough recently that applies–due to my own lack of ‘mothering’ as a child, I’ve always wondered if I’d be a good mother myself, having had so little in the way of role models, and the loss of infertility was even harder knowing I’d never be able to do things differently and ‘make things right’. But last year we adopted two rescue dogs from South Carolina who’d had a pretty rough life after their owner died, and I look at how I feel about them, and how patient and kind and gentle I am with them, and I know I would have been a good mother to my own children. This has brought me a huge sense of peace, long overdue. It never ceases to amaze me how very complex this issue is–how many layers and things to go through.
Have a good Sunday, everyone. May we all survive it with grace and style.
Elizabeth, I love your perspective! I’m so grateful that you have found a sense of peace. (Our fur baby did that for me, too.) And I adore your final line. “Grace and style.” You made me smile. Thank you 🙂
Elizabeth, what a great gift you found to give to yourself – the opportunity to care for rescue pups that needed love and a warm home! And in it, a question was answered for you. That’s awesome!
This thread has inspired me to pick up a card for a long-time family friend and send it to her. My mom passed away last fall. This friend had one son who was my parents’ godchild. He died from suicide when he was a young adult, a number of years ago. I think of this family friend often; now maybe more often since my mom passed. She and my mom both loved Halloween, so last Halloween I also sent her a card.
It’s funny how life changes and you think about people in different ways. I don’t think of her like my mom, but moreso that all these years after physically losing her son – these have to have been painful for her.
Hopefully I can share a bit of cheer with her 🙂
This will be the first Mother’s Day since I found out I am infertile (officially) and we gave up on the dream. I am scared stiff. Unfortunately my situation is such that I don’t think I can avoid it. We will still be celebrating with my mother in law, and going to our church (we have a lot of responsibilities to fulfill there) and I just know I will be a basketcase. I’m not sure what I can do….
I’m so sorry, Emily. One thing that has helped me is to give myself permission to leave a situation at any time, even if it’s just to go hide in the bathroom for a while. Good luck. You are not alone.