I hope you made it through the past weekend relatively unscathed. So, do tell:
How did Mother’s Day go for you?
How did you handle it? How did it go? What went well? What didn’t? Let us know the good, the bad, and the flat-out ugly.
filling the silence in the motherhood discussion
I hope you made it through the past weekend relatively unscathed. So, do tell:
How did Mother’s Day go for you?
How did you handle it? How did it go? What went well? What didn’t? Let us know the good, the bad, and the flat-out ugly.
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I view mother’s day as a day for my mother. I disassociated it with the pain of me not being a mother. Although, it is a day I would rather spend drunk. So for me, it is just something I add to the list as something to do with my mother.
What kills me on a daily basis is to see same-sex couples having children. It rips out my heart, because this is reality to me. This is something that should have been in my life. Yes, there are definitely more avenues to achieve having a child in a same-sex relationship than there was 20 years ago…so that is something that is painful. The next is not being on the same page with your other partner. Letting her control everything…especially timing. I just wanted it so bad, I let it happened and subsequently…it didn’t happen.
Sometimes, when I’m watching a TV show or movie, or even a commercial with two women having a baby…it rips out my heart. The regret and remorse intertwine themselves within me and I just shut down.
For anyone that wants a child, whose partner isn’t on board or kind of on board…all I can say is look down the road 10, 15, 20 years and imagine it never happening. My advise to you, is to take control of the situation or find a new partner because if you concede, the resentment and bitterness will consume you and cast a dark cloud over the relationship. And you will always wish you could go back and do differently. Time does run out.
Perfect timing to read this. I’m sitting at my desk at work hiding from the “gender reveal” video. A video? Really?
I feel for you MJ. A video and at work – that is truly out of order. How are we meant to graciously decline these if they bring it to the work place. If they did that at my work place I would make an official anonymous complaint! Yep anonymous – I’m still experimenting with who I reveal facts to and for those I have divulged more to than most – I’m not yet convinced I feel any better, so it would be anonymous.
The good: some Friends and a couple of friends acknowledged me on this day. They checked in to say hello, wish me a happy day just because. That was the best.
The bad: all types of media, some commercials just make me queasy.
The ugly: my own realization that though I’m working through this, I still have a long way to go to feel comfortable in my own skin on this day. So from the bottom of my heart I wish you a Happy Day, a just feel good day.
I really wanted to not be sad on Sunday. I avoided church. I worked on some of my writing. I thought I was safe going to yoga. The teacher opened with savasana allowing us time to reflect on the reasons that we each came to yoga — she knew who was in the room, so she mentioned physical pain, emotional pain, grief. Then we spent the next 10 minutes offering ourselves a gentle head massage, give ourselves hugs, giving ourselves love — honoring our bodies. It was just what I needed, but it also opened that dam I was trying really hard not to touch. So I went home and sobbed in my husband’s arms. I needed that cry. I needed to offer my body love and grace. Especially on a day when it feels like my body has failed me.
It was a hard day. The first since my mom died. It sunk in that I would never have another Mother’s Day with her physically present.
Last year my childlessness hit me really hard in the spring, so I chose to spend Mother’s Day 2018 mothering myself. I spent the day before with my mom. There have been pangs of, “I should have spent some time with her on Sunday, too. That was a mistake.” I’ve had to quiet those thoughts. I did the best I could last year with the information I had available to me. I needed to take care of myself on that day last year. And I remember feeling really proud of me for doing so. That was the memory I held tight to this Mother’s Day…that and good memories of my mom.
I limited my time on social media, spent a great day with my love and part of the evening helping my dad.
It was a hard day, though. Emotionally exhausting.
A few days past it now I’ve thought more about signs of hope that I did see on social media. There’s an illustration circulating out there of bouquets of flowers with a caption under each bouquet…references to all types of women and relationships with mom’s and children. I noted that some who I follow acknowledged this is a day that is conflicted and complex and commercial.
It got me thinking that just maybe – with more women opening up to how life does pan out AND more women in decision making roles for cultures – that maybe, just maybe the joyful messages that come up on Mother’s Day can begin to be quieted a bit. That messages about the reality of missing a mom, not becoming a mom, fractured relationships with children, children who have died – can grown in recognition and kindnesses can continue to emerge.
The fact is, if you out-live your mom, she will die and you will experience what that is like. I tried to imagine it at times as my mom’s health declined…and I couldn’t take in the permanent feeling of it, until it happened. Mother’s Day had a whole new feeling for me this year. And it’s one that is universal.
I caught a bad cold so stayed home with my dog. My husband was away for work. Was actually one of the best Mother’s Days in awhile just relaxing with the dog in my pjs
The good:
My loving and understanding husband ended up leaving our church early and we went and hung out somewhere else, then came back to celebrate with his mom. A good friend also told me she was thinking of me and gave some words of encouragement.
The bad: the following day a co-worker who has 3 kids apparently found out (via gossips) that I’m infertile and offered her “comfort” because apparently she wasnt successful as quick as she wanted so she “gets it” but went even further with a very painful comment about what my kids will be like when it “finally happens”. I was devestatd and had to immediately after go back to work while suppressing sobs.
The ugly: the following day my boss’s wife yelled at me because I’m have been too down and not friendly enough with my greeting her and her husband in the morning. I try to explain that I’ve been grieving a lot lately, but she just keeps making it worse. Apparently my grief is inconvenient to them. Boss sends an email to me later saying I’ve been rude and uncivil to them and have made the work environment unpleasant because I’m always down. (I’m not always but whatever). I apologize, just because I want to work in relative peace for the last week and a half (I’m no longer working there after that thank goodness) but needless to say I am hurt and offended and feel like they care nothing about my feelings.
So sorry Emily – you’ve done the right thing getting out of a work environment like this – so sad though that you have to leave (we shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of other peoples lacking in humanity as well as infertility). There is no getting through to most people unfortunately, getting consideration seems too much to ask for and it really shouldn’t be. So so sorry – keep taking care of you and avoid people (who ever it is) whenever you need to.
Thinking of you
I recently had this desire to see the film “Annie” again, and then found it cheap in a used dvd store, so I watched it yesterday. All the little girls singing “Maybe” kinda broke my heart – I do not consider adoption, for a multitude of reasons, but ooo, I wanted to adopt one (or all) of those little girls! It was a fascinating feeling. I can’t adopt, for the multitude of reasons, but it was nice to sort of think, “Maybe” from my side of things. Not “nice”; Poignant. We have our “maybe’s” too.
After 40 years I thought I was good…until I woke up in tears…
A childless, Motherless Widow with no lunch invitations just sucks…
I did go to church and the day got better but after a complete breakdown
Oh Lenita… I want to hug you. I’m so sorry that you had such a hard day. I’m glad it did get better. Please know that I’m praying for you. I hope it helps that there are people out there thinking of you. Much love to you.
I spent my MD weekend with my new bf falling in love. He doesn’t have children either. We went out Friday, watched movies Saturday and just hung out Sunday. It was perfect and I nearly forgot it was MD at all. I realize this sounds like I’m bragging. But I have been a lonely childless “straight spouse” for so long (4 years), I have to pinch myself to believe that it’s real.
I’ve loosed myself from the bounds of religion, guilt, and sadness. It still hits me sometimes but I live day to day now.
Here in Sweden it’s mother’s day on Sunday.
And last week and yesterday I had to remind my partner of his sons birthdays, that are one week apart, because he forgets!
(I’m childless because my partner already had kids and didn’t want more, did I say that?)