I like to tell this story about a conversation I once had with a group of people I had recently met. I remember one of the women was telling a story and tossed out that she was unable to have children.
Then she went right on with her story.
She didn’t pause for people to give her sympathetic looks, she didn’t elaborate on why she couldn’t have children, and she didn’t explain that she’d wanted to have them or tried to. She said it matter-of-factly, as if she’d been telling us she didn’t care for the taste of liver and onions.
I was in awe.
Later that day, we were talking about confidence and she told me that it has taken her a long time (she’s in her 50s) to own who she is. “You just can’t entertain that voice that tells you that you’re less than or not good enough,” she said.
How many of us hear that voice and how many us pay attention to what it tells us?
What if we stopped apologizing for who we are? I think we could be very powerful.
Do you have a voice that tells you you’re less than? Do you listen to it? How do you shut it up and own who you are?
I thought I was there and ‘owned’ my childlessness. I have always been open, ‘ I can’t have children.’ To the point of brutal. But today whilst on an amazing holiday that I am so blessed to be on; a social media post has upset me more than I thought possible.
I am an expat and thought I had grown up in this country with friends who cared, despite the distance. Instead, I woke up to pictures of a meet up back home that I wasn’t invited to. Nor was it mentioned by other friends. The hashtags #lookatallourkids #allthechildren you get the idea, cut to the bone.
I thought I had this but the isolation from friends gets to me. I know I am on holiday and couldn’t make it anyway but I wasn’t invited! For me childlessness has made me invisible. I am nobody until actually required. What hurts the most is that all anybody can see is my ‘freedom’ they do not acknowledge all the things I am excluded from and how rich their lives are for having children.I truly felt that I owned my childlessness but today proved I have a long way to go and a journey of peace to make.
Samantha, I’m so sorry you are struggling. It definitely hurts to be excluded from gatherings, and I am sorry that your friends were so inconsiderate. Like you, I wonder if I truly “own my childlessness” when something causes me to wobble. A grief journey is complex, however, with many highs and lows. So, I remind myself that just because I have a low does not mean that I am not moving forward on my journey of acceptance. It just means that I am human, and it’s okay for me to be sad sometimes. I do hope you are able to enjoy the rest of your vacation. Sending you hugs…
Hi Samantha!
I get what you’re going through. I was at a BBQ with all my friends when one of them had the nerve to show me a video from a kids birthday party they were all at that I wasn’t invited to. That was over a month ago and I’m still irritated about it!
I find that I’ve lost a lot of friends because they all joined that exclusive Mommy Club. It’s like they lose themselves, begin living through their children and we become shadow people.
Owning my childlessness means owning the fact that I’m a ghost in a lot of my former social circles. I ghosted social media completely because of all the cutesy kid crap on it.
I just wish I had infertile friends I could talk to face to face but they just don’t seem to exist outside of the internet.
Dear Lucy and Brandi, thank you so much for the kind words and thoughts! Feeling much better about it all and have decided that rather than feeling sad be glad they met and recognise that I am not so much in that group but actually that is life. Hope you are both doing well!
I own it – to the point I know I’ve made others uncomfortable about it. But, I figure if they are uncomfortable then that is their issue not mine.
If I am asked I say the truth – Yep! Can’t have children. End of story. I don’t entertain any discussion about it even though many have tried. I counter the ‘did you try . . .’ with the response, ‘why is it so important to you?’ Seriously, it’s my life, my body and my physical and mental health. I didn’t always feel this way – it has been a very long road that I have traveled alone with my infertility.
I reached to this point in my life: I am blessed and I am an amazing woman! God loves me so my family and friends. I am a hard worker. I love kids!!! I had my moments, sometimes endless gray days…I am still alive.
Just when I think I’ve made progress someone tells me they are expecting – or they are expecting grandkids – and it hurts as fresh as it did 25 years ago when I started this journey. There are days that I can casually say I’m infertile and it’s rolls off my lips like I’m totally over it. For me it depends on timing. If I’ve had a bad day then I’m extra sensitive. If I’m having a good day I can casually say the truth and change the subject like a boss.