There was a time when I found it difficult to be around mothers of young children. It was hard to listen to them talk about their kids when I felt I had nothing to contribute, and it was painful to know that I’d never be able to share those experiences with them. I couldn’t bear to hear their sweet or funny stories, and it made my blood boil to hear them complain. What I wouldn’t have given for the chance to be kept awake all night by a colicky baby.
As I’ve progressed on my journey and begun to heal, it’s become easier for me to spend time with mothers, to listen to their stories, to speak up when I have something to add, and even to commiserate about the hard stuff, without feeling resentful.
I’m listening to what they say about motherhood and I’m hearing a common theme: Motherhood chips away at them until they lose touch with the women they once were. They love their children, they love being mothers, but they resent how all-consuming the job is and how much of themselves they lose to their families, until they know longer know who they are.
There are always two sides to every story, pros and cons, gains and losses. When we don’t get something we want and deserve, it’s easy to focus on what’s lost—the experiences, the opportunities, and the stories we won’t get to tell. But what about what’s gained? And what about what’s not lost? What about the sacrifices we didn’t have to make and the women we now get to be?
I may not be the woman I’d once hoped to be—a mother—but I know who I am now, and a part of me is grateful for what I didn’t have to lose: myself.
I know from my own experience all of this is true. And yet, I have to admit, I just can’t overcome my jealousy and resentement completely. I feel like my needs and quirks as a childless woman are forever frowned upon in society while mothers’ complaints and behaviour (as you write: motherhood chips away at them…and in many cases makes them persons who will behave like mothers towards everyone and everything that get’s into their clutches, in a positive, but often negative way, being bossy, belittling etc.) is always accepted.
If anyone has found the perfect recipe (apart from religion, please) to overcome bitterness, please let me know.
Dear Elena,
We stopped trying to conceive almost 5 years ago. The grief hit me hard, especially in the first year. I felt isolated and alone very often. Then I started feeling better every year. Today I would say that I am well. I do not feel bitterness or jealousy anymore like I used to.
The things that helped me were: talking about it, writing about it, reading blogs and books about it, making lists of things to be grateful for (that was constant practice), lists of things I would like to do, lists of places I would like to go. I also tried to include self-care rituals in my routine like going for a walk or a run, lighting a candle and drinking a cup of tea etc. Then I went back to school and focused on a new career goal, which helped take away my thoughts from what I didn’t have. This didn’t lead to an overnight change, but slowly the healing came. I needed to find new friends as well – women without children, which took some time, but it did happen eventually.
I don’t think there is an easy recipe and I cannot promise that “all will be well” as every story is different, but if you want to get rid of jealousy and resentment and focus on building a life that you love, I do think it is possible.
My very best wishes for you!
Thanks Elena and Elaine, like you Elena I have found the sadness and jealousy has been a difficult one to overcome. I am 5 years from my journey ending and I still struggle with announcements in the same way I did when I was in the thick of it. I guess things are better though as I don’t need to cry in the ladies toilette at work nowadays. Sometimes I join a conversation but mostly I find the strategy of socialising with friends who don’t have children living with them or no children far more rewarding. We eat out alot and go to the theatre or comedy shows – mostly local. I also have increased my gym activity – I go places where families are not the focus – course still get lots of child chat but its easy to move to other things like fitness etc. My advice would be to go with your gut – if you feel sad around mothers – its fine to avoid them. Really it is – even family – limit the time you spend with them if they don’t see you. Focus on you and your well being – if that’s avoiding some friends for a while, they must respect your life without children as much as you do theirs. I do agree with you that we are frowned upon and I battled for a long time trying to do things to please others to meet their expectations – i remind myself daily that its OK to put me first. If people are going to label us selfish anyway – we might as well be selfish and happy! Best wishes to you and it really does get better.
Hi Elena,
The jealousy and bitterness is still strong in me too.
Over the past year I have come up with a new strategy. Every month I try to plan one event or new holiday tradition (depending on the season) to look forward too. It doesn’t have to be huge. It just has to be something that pleases me. It also needs to be marked on the calendar so I stay motivated!
Giving myself something to look forward too and focus on helps me to not dwell on the pain. I feel like I’m actually living again.
Also I completely agree with Jane P about avoiding the people who make you feel sad (including family) and taking care of yourself. She put it perfectly.
I hope this helps but if you discover something else please tell me.
Hi Livy and Elena,
Idk if it every fully goes away…. I recently learned a friend is unexpectedly pregnant with twins. It felt crushing to me at first (vs everyone’s joy). All the usual — how come it’s so “easy” for some people to get pregnant and be mom’s and for others… I just know I have to fight it, because really what can i do? My situation won’t be changing. I have a choice to either sit in what I cannot change or be a positive force, so I choose to be positive. It can be a lonely space, which is why I’m grateful for this blog. And I hope for those opportunities to be “auntie” when I can. I do think focusing outward helps, and seeing all the needs and opportunities to channel energy that otherwise would go elsewhere. Love the planning of new traditions each year for the holidays. I like to create memory books/scrap books for people.
I got to travel a lot with my husband. And I find I can connect with kids because even though I’m not a mom, I feel like I know myself well enough to be good in my own skin, and real, and not distracted when I’m with kids. And I can leave, where parents can’t (or shouldn’t). I don’t think the sting of not being a mom is forever gone, but it’s one of those things I just chalk up to something I’ll never quite understand why it wasn’t in my cards, and to remember that while my DNA isn’t being carried in another human being, my legacy is the kind of person I was to all those into whose lives I may have traveled and hopefully positively impacted. I also find that sometimes we are more “safe space” to kids than their parents , which can be a blessing to kids esp. when they just need an adult to talk to who isn’t their parent. I guess like the writer, I see it as a choice to embrace what positives there are and what kind of person I want to be given my circumstances.