“Are you the adult you dreamed of becoming?”
I laughed when I read this question on Facebook. No! Of course I’m not. The adult I dreamed of was an international engineering consultant, living in a large house with a circular driveway, with a fabulous husband and four beautiful children, including one set of twins.
Aside from the fabulous husband, that adult is almost the polar opposite of the adult I am now. I’m a writer, who works from my very small rented beach cottage, and of course, there are no children in my picture. And yet, once I stop to consider my friend’s question, I realize that I’m a lot happier as this adult than I would have been had my expectations been met. I’ve met the person I’d once dreamed of becoming; she wasn’t a very happy person and she definitely had more grey hairs than me.
Half the battle of coming-to-terms with a life without children is letting go of our expectations—and creating new ones. This is never more true than during the holiday season, one of the most difficult times of the year to be childless.
When I think of my expectations of what Christmas should be like as an adult, those four children are always there, gathered around the tree, gathered around the dinner table, and then gathered around me as the day comes to a close. Even when I realized that children wouldn’t be part of my life, I still strived to make Christmas live up to my expectations. Consequently, Christmastime was very sad time for a number of years. I knew there was no way my expectations could be met, and eventually I stopped making an effort to celebrate.
The worst year was when my husband and I found ourselves sitting at home, with no Christmas tree, no plans, no celebration, and we knew we’d allowed our lack of children to take over our lives. We also realized it was time to set new, more realistic expectations.
When I took a step back and looked at what I really wanted for Christmas, not on the surface of gifts, family, and decorations, but on a deeper emotional level, I discovered that my spiritual wish list included love, peacefulness, companionship, and a good dose of silly fun. I needed to explore new ways to get what I really wanted.
It took a couple of false starts to find a new way to celebrate Christmas, but a couple of years ago we nailed it. Mr. Fab and I rented an apartment for three days in a nearby beach town. We celebrated on Christmas Eve with a lovely dinner at an historic hotel with an enormous Christmas tree, roving carolers, and even an outdoor ice rink (in Southern California!). On Christmas Day, instead of sitting at home feeling sad about a pathetic Christmas for two, we went to the zoo, like a couple of big kids, and had a whale of a time. I even got to feed a rhino and have an ice cream. We both agreed it was the best Christmas we’ve had for a long time, plus there were no tantrums or mountains of dirty dishes to deal with.
It’s hard to let go of our expectations, especially when they’re often so deeply engrained, but if you’re struggling to find your holiday cheer this year, I encourage you to look beneath the obvious losses and examine what’s really missing for you. Even if you can’t meet your tangible expectations of what the holidays should be, you might be surprised to find you can satisfy your true needs in unconventional—and unexpected—ways.
Thank you for this, it definitely resonates. Learning to let go of expectations (which is a daily practice- as it applies to everything- our relationships, how we feel, etc) is a skill that my infertility kind of forced me to work on. I definitely fail to do this at times, but practicing it helps me maintain a kind and loving self-image. And it is kind of freeing. I have so many friends whose motherhood is just one more way that they beat themselves up for not being perfect (which is an expectation being placed on them by society, but also one they are not resisting). Knowing I can’t have children was like a giant wake up call that I can’t be perfect, no matter how hard I try. And in a lot of ways, it has made me less scared to fail, and less tied down by expectations of myself, and if I really work at it- I can let go of my expectations of others too.
I am finding my expections and reality change as life changes…
Yes we longed for the children unwrapping presents under the tree but it didnt happen so we realisticly
made our own Christmas with gift cards, eating out after Christmas and spending the gift cards, carriage rides, limo rides, helicopter rides all to view the lights from different forms of Transportation…
We found our Holiday Cheer in each other…
My hardest Christmas? Two years ago Dec 2017
My first Christmas alone after the death of my husband of 39 years with cancer…
My lack of children did not matter, whether or not I had a tree did not matter…all that mattered was he was no longer with me to celebrate.
Within two years I once again found my new joy, my traditions by myself and friends, who I am as a Childless Widow.
I am going to have a good Christmas because I am planning on it.
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s passing. My prayers go out to you and I wish you love and joy this holiday season!
I feel like Christmas is going to be very hard this year. First of all, it’s my first since officially giving up TTC. This time last year I was excited about a treatment we were trying, and had fantasies of how this Christmas would turn out, hopefully with an infant in my arms. Second, this year we have not decorated as we usually do because we are getting ready to move and put our house on the market. I find myself going through the motions, like buying gifts for family members and friends, without any desire to do so. It just doesn’t feel like a celebratory holiday, it feels like an obligation. I wish we could just take off and enjoy the week my husband has off together with no obligatory holiday rigmarole, but that’s pretty impossible as we still have a bunch of work in our house to do by New Years, and family to visit with. Maybe next year will be better…
I am 28 years old, over the course of my ten year relationship I have came to terms I cannot have children- not by choice. I struggle a great deal around the holiday season as I come from a family of very fertile women. I am unsure if my stigma to be childless is something I have given myself, or my insecurities are purely a reflection of how my family reacts and interacts with me about the situation. I struggle a great deal with depression which is directly in relation to my lifestyle without children. I do not know how to be someone “without” children. I was raised in a family with many children. It was embedded that as a woman, in this small town your purpose is to have children and create a family, with a 9-5 job. Given some days I feel like maybe I just don’t deserve to have those things that come so easily to others. I don’t have a support system to talk about these things with as no one in my family understands the heartbreak of losing something you never have actually had. which is my own fault, as I do not open up about it. I just feel so uncomfortable like they don’t understand at all what it is like. I am so blessed to have nieces and nephews who I am very active in there lives; however, the sting is always there. I don’t know how to ask them for help or take there advice seriously when they have no idea what it is like. I have lost major friends in my life over this invisible line between them and me. They have had kids and moved on with there lives, I don’t know how to advance as me. I am stuck on this level waiting for the next step. The holidays it seems are better spent with children, the magic that is there. I have lost that along with other aspects on how to rewrite my story. I have a spouse who has never fully been excepting of communication on emotions which makes it hard to feel like there is anyone on my team. I just feel incredibly alone this time of year and I have this resentment for people who can access these abilities so easily. Which is not fair to them, I should be happy and excepting that they had there own struggles. It brings out a side of me I am not proud of. I just bottle it up and laugh about it often, never fully dealing with the feelings. Because no one wants to hear them anyway. I found this site and wanted to give it a shot, to have someone, anyone, understand.
Hi there. I’m glad you found us. You are definitely not alone. All those feeling you’re experiencing are familiar to all us of us here. I hope you’ll stick around and get some support from our community. Don’t go through this alone. -x-
Lucky you. Now imagine all this without a ‚Mr. Fab‘.
Why are my comments not coming through?
This is what I responded yesterday—
As we age our expections change.
Early on yes I expected children under the Christmas tree and a big family.
But it did not happen so it was my husband and I and we made it enjoyable
Carriage rides, viewing Christmas lights through different forms of transportation (bus, train, limo, helicopter etc)
We also had a tradition of Gift cards then day after Christmas go out to eat and spend our gift cards.
We still had family around us, parents, sibblings, cousins.
Then everyone aged and passed and it was my husband and I traveling to see family members as none was left here…
Now My husband is gone (another expectation of having each other forever) so I go out and get my own Christmas presents and still travel to see other family members…
I stil celebrate because no matter what the loss you cannot let it stop you
I just responded what I posted yesterday and again not showing
Hi Nita,
Sorry about this. Your comments got caught in the Spam filter. I just rescued them. Thanks for the comments.
Lisa -x-