Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday: Everything Happens for a Reason

We could easily compile an entire encyclopedia of unhelpful, and even hurtful, things people have said to us. I think this one stings as much as any:

“Everything Happens for a Reason”

Do you agree? Or do you have your own favorite “helpful” slight?

 

Comments

  1. Point is it’s not up to the people who say this to make that kind of decision that everything happens for a reason.

    However it’s different if someone comes to their own conclusions and says how they think it’s true that things happen for a reason but to say it to someone who is visibly upset is unkind in my view.

    • Quite agree Joanne – I’ve tried to forgive those who have said it to me over the years, but looking back, I really think they should have done better. I don’t know why people cannot relate to infertility or find more helpful things to say when we need it, I’ve not found any true support from anyone who hasn’t actually experienced the loss of motherhood.

  2. Probably one of my least favorite phrases. Good luck to the person who says it to me because they may not like my response. Especially after years of infertility and losses.

  3. I like the meme where it says “When you say everything happens for a reason, don’t be surprised when I slap you in the face. It happened for a reason.”

    My other whine is that on Sunday, at church, someone offered me their children…again. This woman has done it before. I just told her at almost 40 years old I’m quite content with my life with no children.

  4. There is this comment,……and the other one……’if they don’t make you laugh they will not make you cry ‘……the ‘they ‘ being referred to is of course children ,….it would be a very brave person, who would make either statement to me……After 27 yr of infertility I don’t always have a filter and would respond and have responded ,,,,,,let’s say very directly

  6. Even as a child I always thought the “everything happens for a reason” was a cop-out. I grew up with an abusive relative and have never quite understood the idea that there is suppose to be a reason for pain and suffering. But, as an adult, it seems to me that when this phrase is used it’s often because a person isn’t ready to “do the work” of working through trauma, sadness, etc. in their life or the person isn’t mature enough or comfortable enough with empathy to listen to someone else’s trauma, sadness, etc.

    • But neiither should coping with grief and trauma be considered as a ‚task‘ that needs to be worked through and be done with it, and people who struggle shouldn’t be denigrated as too lazy to do this. Which you‘re basically saying when you say they ‚are not prepared to work through it‘. This is simplistic psychology whic can be harmful in itself. Grief and trauma are complex and each situation is specific to an individual. Some can ‚work it through‘ quite easily, others don’t.

  7. I’ve always kind of thought that people who say “everything happens for a reason” are people who either aren’t ready, maturity-wise, to deal with the emotions of something traumatic, sad, or upsetting or aren’t empathic enough to deal with those emotions coming from someone else in their lives or the world.

    • I had never thought of this that way, but I think you are right. When people say it happens for a reason they are shirking their responsibilities for their actions.

    • Well said Jenna – yes, agree. My Mum said this to me about every difficult experience anyone was ever dealing with including any fertility issues I shared with her – which was rare – she usually suggested I get a cat! The penny has dropped – she cannot handle other people’s grief. She totally expects masses of support for herself. I see now why I have needed to distance myself from her in the past 2 years – it is beyond her to empathise and she will not be able to see beyond her own self for anyone (I expected it unrealistically for 40 years)! I am now 52. Its good to see this written down – I keep telling myself to stop getting angry by her lacking when I visit.

  8. No one’s ever said “everything happens for a reason” to me yet. The one thing people have told me that really gets under my skin is “Relax. It will happen.” Relax?!? I was pretty chilled out for the first three years of trying so if relaxing is the magical answer to my problem then why didn’t it work back then?