Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Comments

  1. Umm adoption won’t make me pregnant. I used to hate getting that one. I always wanted to do one of those 3 stooges poke in the eye to the person who said it to me!

  2. Because if I did I‘d be a single mum. And whatever you think about single mums, it means adoption agencies wouldn’t give me a child.

  3. Growing up, if you wanted children, most people think of obtaining a child a natural way. When that doesn’t happen it’s hard to give up on that “dream” and change your dream.

  4. I’ve heard that soooo many times!! And it still makes me edgy/mad. We (my husband and I) have our reasons, and we certainly don’t need to include anyone else in them. And I’m sure many have embraced that choice, and is great for them. But, each situation, each person is different, and all optiones and decisions must be respected.

  5. I think this comment, usually, comes from people with a lack of understanding of the adoption process. Including agencies requiring certain religious affiliation, not allowing LGBTQ+ people to adopt, minimums in salaries, and health records of the possible parent/s in order to be approved. I’m not saying there shouldn’t be strict requirements for adoptions…but I can think of MANY friends of mine who are great parents who would never have been approved by an adoption agency.

  6. This one always infuriated me. People think you just go to the adoption agency and they give you child….HUH? My husband and I wanted to adopt, desperately. The first (public) agency we went to said…’OK, but first we need $10,000 for the home study up front.

    WTF!?

    If I had 10 grand sitting around in the bank, I would be attempting in-vitro first. And that was just the beginning. Follow-ups, filing fees, attorney fees, legal fees; it went on and on. Whoever said they don’t sell children in this country was lying.

    So the next thing you get is….”Well, why don’t you go to a foreign country and adopt? That will only cost you airfare, right?”

    Wrong….After the airfare (usually multiple round-trips) you still have the filing fees, attorney fees, agency fees, legal fees, customs fees, etc., etc., and whatever bribes to local officials you end up having to pay.

    Adoption is only a solution if you are very rich, with plenty of disposable income lying around.

    While all those adoption agencies are making small fortunes off the few children available by selling them to the rich that can afford them…. any crack-head, junkie prostitute, can get pregnant, drop a kid, and then insist that she be allowed to keep it because the child is ‘her blood’, when she can’t even take care of herself let alone a child. The child will grow up abused, neglected and in all likelihood just repeat the entire process.

    Meanwhile, a stable, happily married couple (like me and my hubby) cannot adopt simply because we aren’t rich enough.

    Sorry for the rant…this one triggered me.

  7. Adoption WAS our chosen family plan instead of doing IVF. After 5 years being a “waiting family” and just as many thousands of dollars on waiting as many people who have done multiple IVF cycles; I am here to say that through adoption is not everyone’s chosen path, it also can be the chosen path that devastatingly results in a childless couple. So what (dumb thing) do people say to the couple who tries for adoption and comes up childless? Know that Adoption is not easier than IVF, they both have their own unique challenges and (more often than people admit) can still end in heartbreak.

  8. Adoption was the method we chose to grow our family and after spending 5 long years as a waiting family (as well as just as many thousands of dollars as others spent on multiple IVF treatments), it was not “easier” for us end up childless. Adoption is not for everyone, but regardless of what path you choose to become a parent, any approach that does not result in parenthood can be devastating. Each process has its own unique challenges, and there are very many waiting families whose adoption journey results in a failed adoption, just like those seeking to become parents through IVF. One thing we likely can all agree on is that in our journey to become parents we have considered all reasonable and realistic paths to parenthood for our own circumstances. And the pain of the outcome real, no matter how we got here.

    • You are so right! And we should all just be understanding with each person’s own journey!

      • I agree! Now if the well meaning people around us only understood how hurtful it is to hear such suggestions…. As though we haven’t considered and decided on every possible option after learning we could not become parents the normal way.

  9. Anyone can breed (except for me) but not anyone can adopt. I would have loved to adopt children. I think we could have provided a real loving and balanced home but it’s a lot easier said than done. Even adopting a dog was difficult!

  10. I can’t tell you how painful not having a child is. My heart drops every time I read a “We’re pregnant!” email or a “maternity leave” one. I even have to psych myself back to composure if I read about a pregnant celebrity. (I took myself off Twitter for a day when Beyonce and Jay-Z’s baby snaps were released.) It physically hurts me. Right where a baby would grow. It is overwhelming to know that my legacy begins and ends with me. So no “family gathering” photographs of me and mine with my siblings and theirs; no proudly watching my kid grow up; no natural place in life’s cycle. You, mums, have created the next generation. A new wonderful lineage – of children and probably grandchildren – who are yours and you are theirs. I think that would make me very happy. Please don’t give me the “aunts are loved too” platitudes. One of the saddest things I’ve ever seen was a bench in St Ives obviously placed there in memory of a woman who had loved that spot. On the back of the seat was a plaque engraved with “Much-loved aunt”. Jesus. To me it made complete sense that the bench was on the edge of a sodding cliff!

  11. My husband and I have been hoping for children for 10 years. We first went through the whole infertility specialist option to try for a biological child ( which obviously didn’t work). That was quite a journey. Since then we did decide to adopt. I’ve been told so many times “just adopt” however, we have been trying to for years now. It’s not as easy as people think. We’ve had several adoptions that fell through for various reasons which can also be a little heartbreaking. I seriously have recently thought about giving up on adoption and just accept we will never have children. I wish the best to all of you!