Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Remembering why you got together in the first place

If you’re in a relationship and you’ve faced infertility or loss, odds are you’ve been through the wringer. Few people are at their best under stress and when that stress is prolonged, sometimes for years, the edges of even the strongest relationship can get a little frayed and tattered.

Part of the process of coming-to-terms with a life without children is patching that old relationship and moving on down the road. But how do you even start that when so much water has gushed under the bridge? It’s hard. Sometimes when so much has changed, it’s easy to lose track of why the pair of you ever got together in the first place, but those reasons form the glue that will hold the hold mess together when things go wrong.

So, what was it about your spouse that made you decide this was the person you wanted to have children with? What made you fall in love with him or her in the first place?

When your plans for a family don’t go right, take some time to reconnect with your partner to remember what it was that made you ever start out on this journey.

Oh, and don’t forget to keep the spark ignited in the passion department. See this post for ideas!

It Got Me Thinking…About Being Fruitless

By Kathleen Guthrie

fruit•less adj 1: Failing to achieve the desired results; unproductive or useless syn barren

Oh, how I loathe these words. They’re ugly, judgmental, and just plain mean when used to refer to those of us who are childfree by chance, choice, or circumstance.

I could mull on this for days and work myself into a righteous funk. However, I think instead I am going to celebrate just how fruit-full I am. I’m going to fill my great-great-grandmother’s crystal bowl with lemons to brighten up my dining room. I’m going to make cherry pie and eat it for breakfast. I’m going to sprinkle chunks of watermelon with thinly sliced basil and balsamic vinegar (try it, it’s delish). I’m going to eat plump, juicy strawberries till my fingers are stained pink!

“Useless”?! I don’t think so! Creative, super-productive, and full of fun is more like it.

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She’s mostly at peace with her decision to be childfree.

The Rose Run for Breast Cancer

If you happen to be in Petersburg, Michigan, look out for the Rose Run coming up on July 16th. Even if you’re far from Michigan, you can still participate in a virtual run (or walk) to support this important cause.

My friend Jessica Cribbs founded the Rose Run in 2009 in honor of her mother, Rose, who lost her battle with Breast Cancer earlier that year. Jessica is 100% dedicated to her crusade to raise awareness and funds to fight this disease and I really admire her for her determination.

It’s paying off, too. In 2010, the Rose Run raised $10,000 for Breast Cancer Research and this year “virtual” teams have already formed in Boston, Alabama, Los Angeles, and Afghanistan.

I’ve signed up and for my own one-person virtual event and will plod around my favorite 3.1-mile loop in Howarth Park in Santa Rosa. Please consider joining me where you are. All you have to do is sign up online and do your run or walk wherever you are.

The event is five weeks away, so if you’ve been looking for motivation to get moving, this could be it. My training starts on Monday!

A Blog Post About Nothing

They say that when you don’t have anything good to say, say nothing at all. Well, I can’t do that, can I?

For today’s post I intended to reignite the Cheroes series with some new gems I’ve found, but it’s been a long week and I’ve run out of energy, so instead I thought I’d leave you with a short verse from one of my favorite Cheroes*, Pulitzer Prize winning poet, Edna St. Vincent Millay.

This poem sums up exactly how I feel about my life right now. More about that later though.

Second Fig

Safe upon the solid rock the ugly houses stand:

Come and see my shining palace built upon the sand!

* In case you missed the National Women’s History Month series, a Chero is a childless/childfree hero.

Crotch Length and Infertility in Men

In the news recently, a study conducted at Baylor College of Medicine in Texas reveals that a man’s crotch length (that’s the distance between the scrotum and the anus) is directly related to fertility.

The study showed that infertile men had “a significantly shorter anogenital distance” than fertile men.

Apparently, this finding could be used as a “less invasive” way to test fertility in men, but my question is, “And do what about it?”

I understand the importance of continued research, but sometimes I’m just left scratching my head.

Whiny Wednesday: A Pregnancy Announcement

I just received a pregnancy announcement in the mail. Let me repeat that. I just received a pregnancy announcement in the mail, not a birth announcement, but a card informing me of a potential birth, a birth that is forecast to happen next year!

I was especially surprised because I’d seen the return address on the envelope and knew that the sender was a woman in her late 50s! Turns out it was an announcement of a grandchild-to-be. I know. But wait, it gets stranger. Tucked inside the card was a copy of a sonogram image of my friend’s daughter-in-law’s uterus and her 12-week old peanut.

Now granted, I’m a little old-fashioned in these regards. Coming from a culture that subscribes to the “don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched” mantra, it took me a while to adapt to the idea of baby showers and giving gifts before a baby is born. And frankly, after my own dabbling in infertility, and having heard your stories, I’m beginning to think that this notion of waiting isn’t so old-fashioned after all.

To say this least, this pregnancy announcement caught me off guard and, all things considered, I think a phone call would have sufficed, don’t you?

It’s Whiny Wednesday and this is what’s under my skin this week. What’s under yours?

Whiny Wednesday: A Pregnancy Announcement

I just received a pregnancy announcement in the mail. Let me repeat that. I just received a pregnancy announcement in the mail, not a birth announcement, but a card informing me of a potential birth, a birth that is forecast to happen next year!

I was especially surprised because I’d seen the return address on the envelope and knew that the sender was a woman in her late 50s! Turns out it was an announcement of a grandchild-to-be. I know. But wait, it gets stranger. Tucked inside the card was a copy of a sonogram image of my friend’s daughter-in-law’s uterus and her 12-week old peanut.

Now granted, I’m a little old-fashioned in these regards. Coming from a culture that subscribes to the “don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched” mantra, it took me a while to adapt to the idea of baby showers and giving gifts before a baby is born. And frankly, after my own dabbling in infertility, and having heard your stories, I’m beginning to think that this notion of waiting isn’t so old-fashioned after all.

To say this least, this pregnancy announcement caught me off guard and, all things considered, I think a phone call would have sufficed, don’t you?

It’s Whiny Wednesday and this is what’s under my skin this week. What’s under yours?

The Five Stages of Grief

In her 1969 book On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described the five stages of grief as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. If you’ve been given a diagnosis of infertility, suffered the loss of a pregnancy or baby, or you’ve reached a point in your life where you realize that motherhood just isn’t on the cards, odds are you’re all too familiar with these five stages.

Have you ever caught yourself saying some of these things?

“This can’t be happening to me?” “I’m perfectly healthy; what do you mean my tubes are blocked?” “I’m only 38; I’m too young to be infertile.” “I’m 42; there’s still time.”

That’s the Denial talking.

“It’s not fair.” “Why me?” “She doesn’t deserve to be a mother.” “Why is there no logic to the way blessings are handed out?”

That would be the Anger Stage.

How about: “I’ll just try this one last thing and then I’ll stop.” “If I can just relax, I know it will happen.” “If I lower my expectations, maybe I’ll meet someone worthy of being the father of my children.”

Yup. Bargaining.

“If I can’t be a mother, what’s the point of me?” “I must have done something to bring this on myself.” “No one understands what I’m going through. I feel so alone.”

Classic Depression.

“It’s going to be okay.” “So, you don’t always get what you want. At least I have my health/husband/career/golden retriever.”

This is at least the start of Acceptance.

As Kübler-Ross pointed out, the stages don’t always happen in this order, or in any logical sequence at all. May you got stuck in anger for a long time and skipped the bargaining all together, or maybe you went straight to acceptance, only to slip on one of life’s banana peels and end up right back in depression.

The thing is, it’s okay, it’s normal, and it won’t last forever.

Kübler -Ross applied her theory to death. In this situation, some people struggle with death until the end. Some psychologists believe that the harder a person fights death, the more likely they will be to stay in the denial stage, and the less likely they are to die in a dignified way.

Unlike someone facing death, we have somewhere to go after our losses. We have the chance for a new, if different, life. And while going through the five stages can be ugly and unpleasant, the key is to come out the other end with our dignity intact.

Octomom’s Doctor Loses License

By Kathleen Guthrie

Michael Kamrava, the Beverly Hills fertility specialist who transferred 12 embryos to Nadya Suleman and launched her career as “Octomom” (she delivered octuplets in 2008), has lost his medical license.

Read the full story here.

A judge initially recommended Kamrava be put on probation for five years for impregnating Suleman, who was already struggling to care for six children as an unemployed single mother.  However, the medical review board of California, finding Kamrava “committed gross negligence, repeated negligent acts, and incompetence” in this case and at least two other cited cases, instead decided to pull his license.

It’s about f*&%ing time.

He claims he was just doing his job, by giving the patient what she wanted. I think what he did was unconscionable. What do you think?

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She believes there is a special place in hell for the charlatans who take advantage of women struggling with infertility. 

Anyone for a Book Club?

I must confess that I’m really enjoying these Saturday morning posts because they’re forcing me to think about some of the things I love, instead of only thinking about not having children. This is good for me, and hopefully good for you, too.

On my list of things I love is reading. I love books – fat ones, skinny ones, weird ones, funny ones – and I’m always on the prowl for a good book recommendation. My good friend Kathleen (who writes the Monday “It Got Me Thinking” column) runs a fantastic book club in San Francisco. I’ve tried to attend, but my recent schedule has caused me to miss the last two meetings and I’m jonesing for a good chat about books.

So, it got me thinking…why not start an online book club here?

I’m envisioning reading a book a month and then meeting either at a given time on the chat or throughout the month on the forum. I will put together a short list of books to begin with. Once the group gets going, we can all decide what to read next. My only caveat is that the books we read have nothing whatsoever to do with not having children!

Any interest in this idea? If so, post a quick comment below and join the Book Club Group on the main site, and we’ll take it from there!