Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Going Meatless

Over the past several months, I’ve been watching my weight slowly drift upwards. Well, more accurately, I’ve been completely ignoring the fact that my “fat jeans” are now tight and that I wear the same three outfits because nothing else fits.

I have a million reasons and excuses for this, but I won’t bore you with the details. Suffice to say, two weeks ago I decided to take the bull by the horns. I set myself a goal and made a plan for how to accomplish it.

It’s not going to be anything surprising here, ladies. I need to eat more veggies and less chocolate, and I need to get away from this desk and move my chair-shaped posterior more than just to the fridge and back. I know what to do; I just need to do it.

Oh, and I’m also going meatless.

Now I realize that three readers in Texas just fainted at the idea of giving up meat, but it’s not such a big deal in our house. I was a vegetarian for 15 years and Mr. Fab is happy to eat my veggie creations most of the time. I started eating meat again about 10 years ago and I’ve noticed a direct correlation between the amount of meat I eat and the size of my thighs. So out she goes.

I’m in no way trying to convert anyone here, merely informing (and hopefully entertaining) but if you’re thinking that a little less meat in the diet may do you a world of good, check out the Meatless Monday campaign for information and recipes to get you started, and Vegetarian Times for more inspiration.

Tomorrow night I’m making Cuban Stuffed Peppers. I’ll be sure to report back and post the recipe, once it’s passed the Mr. Fab test.

And one more random fun item for today. I just stumbled on this recipe to make your own Goldfish crackers, including instructions for a miniature goldfish-shaped cutter! Love it!

Census data show childfree households are majority

Courtesy: LA Times

Yesterday morning I shuffled out to my front porch to pick up the newspapers. My sleepy curiosity jumped to attention when I saw the cover headline of the LA Times:

“Data show state families changing.”

Above the headline was a row of pie charts showing that, according to the 2010 U.S. census figures, 26.0% of California households are married couples with no children, up 4% since 2000. Surprising, but not shocking until you compare this with the data on nuclear families (defined as a household with a married couple of the opposite sex, and children). These families make up only 23.4% of households, down a whopping 10% since 2000.

This means that, as a childfree couple, Mr. Fab and I are in the majority around here. As the article says: “Today, California is a stark reflection of a new dynamic; the traditional Hallmark card image is hardly obsolete, but it is the minority.”

I hope this means that, as this trend continues (and I predict it will), we childfree people will come to be seen as the norm and no longer the odd, misunderstood creatures we are now.

Interview with author, Dr. Ellen Walker

Last week I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Ellen Walker, author of Complete Without Kids: An Insider’s Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance. Ellen is childfree by choice, and even though I am childfree by chance, we had plenty to talk about on the subjects of friendship and community, the drive for motherhood, and what to do when life doesn’t go as planned. Here’s our conversation:

Life Without Baby: How did you make the decision to be childfree?

Ellen Walker: I never spent a lot of time thinking about motherhood. I was busy with work, travel, and hobbies, and I always had partners that never wanted a family.

My current husband already had grown children, and I never felt pressure from him, this was the first time I’d really been close to a father-son relationship, and when I’d hear him on the phone, telling his son he loved him, it tugged at my heartstrings. For the first time, I began to question my decision not to have children, and suddenly I wanted a baby of my own.

After many tearful discussions and weeks of writing, talking, and contemplating, I was able to step back and analyze. I realized that if I really wanted children, I would have made it happen before.

LWB: What do you think triggered that urge?

EW: I think it’s a basic biological drive to create a child, especially in a relationship with a man. You have a primitive urge to have his baby. It’s also about not wanting to be left out of a group. When friends are having babies and people are bringing photos of children into work, you have nothing to talk about with them.

LWB: Do you find that most of your friends are also childfree?

EW: Yes. My female friends tend to be 10-20 years older because the women my own age didn’t have time for friends without kids. Their friends went to soccer games and connected because of their kids. I did seek out childfree people, but most came about through chance meetings.

LWB: How important is it to find your own community?

EW: Really important. I never thought about it until I started meeting people and got really excited when they didn’t have children. I began to seek out others. I found a childfree Meetup group and went to a few meetings. It was fun, but I realized that just being childfree does not make someone a good candidate for friendship. Now, I look for people with interests in common, and if they happen to be childfree, I nurture those relationships.

LWB: Do you ever regret your decision?

EW: Sometimes. In a way I feel as if I’ve missed a big life stage. I’ve been career driven for a long time, and I’m feeling as if I’m ready to do something else. Many women my age with children are now focusing on their careers, and I’m ready to retire. I’m trying to figure out the next stage.

If I’d been raising kids, I wouldn’t have had the energy I’ve had for other things. I’m glad I made the choice and pursued my career. I’ve had the opportunity to impact people’s lives and I’ve written a book. I wouldn’t have been able to do those things. Everyone has regrets, but luckily mine are fleeting. Mother’s Day is always hard. I recently wrote an article about it for Psychology Today, asking people to be careful about saying “Happy Mother’s Day” to every woman and to be aware that it can be a very painful day for some women, and not a happy day.

LWB: What advice would you give to someone struggling with being childfree?

EW: Let yourself go through a real grieving process, preferably with a therapist. A dream is something you’d hoped to have as a part of your identity and most likely wanted it your whole life. Losing that dream is like a death, and a formal grieving process has to include acceptance. Only then can you make a decision about where you’re going to put your energy. Then you can create a new dream, picture your future, and figure out how to make that happen.

While writing my book, I interviewed a woman in her 90s. She had never talked about her childlessness. Decades later, she still hadn’t reconciled and come-to-terms with it. She had so many strengths and talents, and had she dealt with her grief and loss, she could have embraced a new life.

LWB: It was a pleasure talking to you about your choices and hearing your insight.

EW: This is a really important issue for women of the world. We are peers for the next generation of women who may experience pressure from mothers to have grandchildren. We need to talk about this topic and be good role models for young women.

LWB: I couldn’t agree more.

To learn more about Ellen Walker, please visit her website, CompleteWithoutKids.com

Whiny Wednesday: Smelly Cat

There are lost of pluses to being “off the baby crazy train.” My Health Savings Account (used to pay everything not covered by health insurance) is carrying a healthy balance instead of being wrung dry. Most weeks I have no doctor’s appointments at all. My love life has improved dramatically. Beer and sushi are back on the menu. I’m happier. But the big downside is that the responsibility for cleaning out the cat box has fallen back to me.

Let me say, I love my cat. As far as furry friends go, she really is the cat’s meow. She’s a snuggle buddy, her fur is lovely and silky, and she loves to wrestle. But I do not know how a creature so cute can produce such a ferocious stink.

Today is Whiny Wednesday and this is my whine. What’s yours?

Marking the End

Unless you’re one of those people who always knew they didn’t want children, you probably wrestled with your decision, or whatever circumstances were forcing your hand, for a long time.

As it was becoming more and more apparent to me that children were not going to be in my future – at least not in the way I’d anticipated – I started trying to get to grips with the idea that I would never be a mother. Some days I knew that I had to get off the infertility crazy train and start regaining my sanity, but then something would happen and I’d change my mind and try to figure out how to give it one more shot. I flip-flopped back and forth like a suffocating fish for many months, but finally I reached the end of the line.

There were several things that happened that pushed me closer to that decision, but there was one day that I will always consider to be “The End.” While tracking down gravesites for some of my husband’s more distant relatives, we discovered the unmarked grave of a baby cousin who had been given the same name we had chosen for our child. For me, that grave will always be my place of commemoration for the children I never had. I’ve never been back since then, but I always know that place is there if I need it.

I think it’s important to mark the end of things that are lost, and giving up on motherhood is an enormous loss. How did you know you’d reached The End or the Big Decision? How did you mark that point? If you haven’t marked that point, do you think it would help to have some kind of memorial, even if it was something only you knew about?

It Got Me Thinking…About Transplants

By Kathleen Guthrie

If my sister needed a new kidney, I’d be the first one in line to give her one of mine. I also have a pink donor dot on my driver’s license that will allow surgeons to remove and share any viable organs with strangers when my time has come. So when I first saw this article about a 25-year-old woman possibly getting her mother’s uterus so that she could have her own children, my heart cheered for the miracles of modern science.

And then I read more closely, and these little words made my heart stop: “…Sara is so desperate….” Oh, dear God, here we go again.

Described as “completely unproven,” this tricky and experimental procedure involves surgeries and drug therapies for both the recipient and the donor, in this case, Sara’s mother. If the transplant is successful and Sara is able to bear a child, she will later have to endure another surgery to have the uterus removed. These women apparently are willing to go through all of this, even knowing that in a previous attempt, the mother-to-be’s body rejected the transplanted uterus when she was four months pregnant. I find the multitude of tragedies in that scenario horrifying.

I want to believe that miracles are possible. I want to know that there is hope for Sara and for my friends who would make wonderful parents if this is indeed the “cure” they need. But I can’t help but worry that this is just another example of greedy, egotistical doctors preying on the desperation of others.

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She loves children, but won’t be having any of her own.

Travel: Back in the Big Easy

Continuing the new tradition of posting about something fun on Saturdays, I thought I’d share with you my recent trip to New Orleans.

I love New Orleans. I love the food, the architecture, the history, and even the climate. I love the easy pace of life that’s forced upon you there by the heavy atmosphere, and the mood of the residents, who never seem to be in much a rush to go anywhere. I walk differently in New Orleans, slower and with a relaxed saunter. I even find myself adopting that soft, warm, Louisiana drawl that seems to have no use for half the letters of the alphabet. There’s a good reason the city is known as the Big Easy, and I love it.

I hadn’t been to New Orleans since before Hurricane Katrina hit in 2005 or last year’s Deepwater Horizon oil spill, and I wanted to go back to see how much of the city I loved had physically and psychologically survived.

I’ll admit I was nervous to go, afraid that the city had gone, and also wasn’t sure at what point it was appropriate to be a tourist in a place that had seen such devastation. This year I decided it was time.

I’m happy to report that the Big Easy was just as I’d remembered it and the message from its people is, “We’re still here. Y’all come on back.”

While we were there, we took a Katrina Tour, again not sure where the lines between genuine historical interest and opportunistic tourism blurred together, but I’m very glad we did. We traveled through the Lower Ninth ward, one of the areas most heavily hit by the flooding. It was truly shocking to see how many houses were boarded up, their doors still showing the painted marks left by the National Guard search and rescue teams as they logged their findings. It was also shocking to see just how many house were gone. I mean, just gone. Nothing left but the outline of the foundations and, in some cases, a set of concrete front steps.

Our guide pointed out a street sign, about 14 feet above the ground, that still showed a brown horizontal mark where the muddy water had reached. I think that was the most shocking thing of all for me, to see that and realize that everything around me, including myself would have been completely submerged.

But amid all this devastation were many signs of hope. Many homes had been repaired and repainted, and local businesses have opened their doors again. We traveled through a neighborhood that has been completely rebuilt through a foundation started by Brad Pitt. All the homes were designed by renowned architects and built to prepare for the chance of flooding again. That area of the city stands about ten feet below sea level, so at some point, it will flood again, although hopefully never with such devastating consequences.

The most optimistic sign of recovery I saw was a vegetable garden, neatly planted in someone’s front yard. For me, that garden was a statement of determination and permanence.

So, if New Orleans is on your list of places to visit, but you’ve been hesitating, go back. The city needs tourism and, just as it’s always done, it’s ready to make you feel welcome. Oh, and if you go, have a soft-shell crab Po’ Boy and a Mint Julep for me, would you?

Special Guest Post for Father’s Day

With Father’s Day approaching, I am pleased to offer a very speacial guest post today. My wonderful husband offers his thoughts on Father’s Day for you, and for the men in your life who don’t always get a voice. Over to you, Mr. Fabulous:

When Lisa mentioned to me recently that her readers would be interested in my thoughts on and about Father’s Day, I immediately refused.  The seed was planted however and I thought and thought and here for you, are my thoughts:

It occurs to me that Father’s Day is another opportunity for couples suffering from the various stages of infertility to get another black eye.  My position is unusual because I have children.  Lisa and I do not have children and never will, but I am a father.  I am glad and thankful for my children and for my granddaughter.  I think about them and miss them every day.

You all know that Lisa and I are childless due to infertility. This is the single unpleasant aspect in what is otherwise a relationship filled with friendship, laughter and bliss.

I think about it every day.

Our inability to reproduce makes me sad.  Once in a while it makes me very sad, such as when I attended Lisa’s performance at “Expressing Motherhood” and her story, which I had not previewed, snuck up on me and hit me between the eyes, hard.  This is why I have not read Lisa’s memoir of our experiences; I will never read it.

Regardless of my sadness, my message to you for Father’s day is one of hope.  Lisa and I tossed in the towel two years ago and I am still frequently sad because we will never have children.  I am not sad all the time, not every day, not any more.

It will get better.

You will feel better.  Your sense of humor will return.  You will find your libido.  Life, in all its glory, will go on and you will enjoy it once again.

This Sunday, Father’s Day, please remind your partner that things will get better.  Please remember to visit, or call or think about your old man, too.

Happy Father’s Day.

Father’s Day

by Harry Ruby as sung by  Groucho Marx

Today, Father is Father’s Day

And we’re giving you a tie.

It’s not much, we know –

It’s just our way of showing you

We think you’re a regular guy . . .

You told us we didn’t have to bother

But believe us it’s our pleasure to fuss.

For according to our Mother you’re our Father –

And that’s good enough for us,

And that’s good enough for us.

Book Review: Savvy Auntie

Melanie Notkin created the Savvy Auntie website as a gathering place for childless and childfree women who play an important role in the lives of other people’s children. It’s a big shout out to those of us who share our time with nieces or nephews, or are “aunties-by-choice” to the children of friends and family. Now she’s written a book by the same name.

In Savvy Auntie: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers, and All Women Who Love Kids, Notkin quickly dispels the myth that women without children are lonely, bitter, and don’t like kids. She refers to herself as a PANK – “Professional Aunt, No Kids,” and says, “I don’t have kids, but I’ve got five amazing nieces and nephews by relation, a beautiful goddaughter, a fabulous career, amazing friends, I travel a ton, and I always go to the best restaurants in the city.” Far from bitter and lonely!

Notkin keeps this fun-loving tone throughout the book, with silly tidbits, such as how to say “Aunt” in 28 different languages, how to throw a killer 1st birthday party, and her Auntiescopes, which define auntie types by birth sign (and are dead accurate – at least for Aries Aunts!) But Notkin balances this with practical information and useful advice about taking care of other people’s children, finding age-appropriate gifts, and answering those awkward questions kids often ask their aunties. She even discusses how to deal with other people’s good news when you’re still dealing with your own grief and also offers some comebacks for those prying questions people ask about why we don’t have kids of our own.

Savvy Auntie is a book I wish I’d given when I was 15, when my first nephew was born, but it still makes for a fun read 20-something years later.

Whiny Wednesday: Giving up my vices

On Monday I decided it was time to give up coffee and sugar. Needless to say, I have made no new friends this week.

I know that in the long run I will feel better without these edible crutches, but right now I just want to go back to bed and shut out the world.

Do you have vices you know you should drop? Or do you have something else you’d like to whine about today? You can put it all down here. Just don’t think I’m going to bother reading it. I’m much too crabby for that today.