Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

It Got Me Thinking…About Tax Refunds

As in any election year, we’re hearing a lot about taxes and fixing our schools…and that got me thinking. I have no issue with paying taxes. I like that our government takes care of things like maintaining roads and bridges, supporting our armed services, providing social services, and running arguably the fairest judicial system in the world. And back in the days when I was certain kids were in my future, I didn’t see a problem with supporting public schools with my tax dollars. Now, however, I feel kind of cheated. Since I won’t be sending any kids to public school, I’m kind of pissed about having to support other peoples’ offspring. In fact, I’d like a refund.

 

Do you think it’s fair that childfree people have to contribute funds to public schools? And what did you invest in pre–LWB days for which you’d now like a refund?

 

 

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. Her articles have appeared in AAA’s Westways, GRIT, Real Simple, and 805 Living magazines. Read “How to Be the World’s Best Aunt Ever” on eHow.com.

Guest Blog: Advice

This morning, a close friend sent me Kyran Pittman’s blog posting “Advice for a Teenage Daughter I Will Never Have.” It got me thinking.

I used to fantasize about how I’d raise my children to be good humans. Along with my DNA, I’d share with them my passion for reading and love of team sports. I’d encourage them to invest a portion of each check from their summer life-guarding and part-time retail jobs, so that after college they’d already have a nest egg that would allow them to pursue careers in the arts, backpack through Asia, get into the housing market, or at least not starve while toiling away as a junior executive’s junior assistant.

I’m a font of wisdom earned from 44 years of life experience. Now, it seems, because I’m not a mother, no one is interested in hearing from me. Do you feel that way? If you had children, what advice would you give them? And since you don’t, what advice are you now taking to heart for yourself?



Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. Her articles have appeared in AAA’s Westways, GRIT, Real Simple, and 805 Living magazines. Read “How to Be the World’s Best Aunt Ever” on eHow.com.

Silent Sorority: A (Barren) Woman Get Busy, Angry, Lost and Found

I just finished reading Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos’ book, Silent Sorority: A (Barren) Woman Get Busy, Angry, Lost and Found. I give it two very enthusiastic thumbs up! With class, dignity, and humor (oh, yes, and an appropriate amount of bile), Pamela not only tells her own story of infertility, but is able to step back and provide an intelligent social commentary on our mommy-centric culture and what it’s like to be childless-not-by-choice when everyone around you is baby-mad.

As I read her story, I found myself slapping my forehead, thinking, “I did that too,” and I realized what I wish I’d known long ago, that I was not alone on my own journey. As Pamela says, infertile women “were everywhere, but nowhere.”

What makes Pamela’s book stand out from other infertility stories I’ve read is that (aside from her not “giving up on treatments and suddenly having a miracle pregnancy”) she talks about the “what now?” how she gained acceptance and found a place for herself in the world.

This is one of those books that I wish I could give to people I know to read. It’s a book that says, “This is what I went through, this is why I was behaving that way back then, but you know what? I’m okay now.”

If you haven’t read this book, put it on your list. It’s an eye-opener. And while Pamela might not yet have all the answers to our questions, she’s starting the conversation about living childless/childfree, and giving us a voice.

You can find Silent Sorority in print at:

Amazon.com

Barnes & Noble.com

Or as an e-book from:

Amazon’s Kindle Store

Barnes and Noble

Borders (via Kobo)

Smashwords

Personal Images of Infertility by Monica Wiesblott

This image is part of the collection in Monica Wiesblotts’ new exhibit “Barren: Life on Infertile Soil.” Monica is a photographer whose work “examines the quiet reflections of a life without children, in a child-centric world and what it means to navigate daily in those constraints”. She says:

“The inspiration for the show was not only the discovery of my own infertility, but the silence surrounding it. The longstanding stigma of shame has made us a silent tribe of women.”

 

If you find yourself in Southern California this fall, make your way to Ventura to see Monica’s show.

BARREN: life on infertile soil

Personal Images of Infertility by Monica Wiesblott

 

September 30, 2010- October 23rd, 2010

Meet the artist: October 1st, 2010 5-8pm

Artist reception October 9th, 2010 4-6pm

 

Gallery 255

255 South Laurel Street

Ventura CA 93001

 I’m hoping to make it to the show and will report back when I do.

A Very Bon Voyage

I’m getting ready to go on vacation. (Hurray!) I have plane tickets and hotel reservations.  And that’s about it. The night before we leave, we’ll throw what we think we need into a suitcase, add half a dozen books, and go. The details of our trip, i.e. how we’re going to get around between our various destinations, where we’ll eat, what we’ll do, will all unfold in good time. Right now, I’m too tired to fuss with those kinds of details. If there’s something important we’ve forgotten to pack, we’ll buy it when we get there (the reason I own a large collection of phone chargers and power adaptors.) Passport, credit card, phone–all we really need.

It’s this kind of loosey-goosey traveling that make me appreciate not having children.

The Childfree and Selfish Discussion

This article, Is Being Childfree By Choice Selfish? first appeared in REDBOOK and was reposted on MSN. Obviously, we’re not going to have the “selfish” discussion here. We all have our reasons for not having children, and most of have at least one good comeback in our arsenal in case someone actually plays the “selfish” card with us. But there were some interesting points in this article.

One woman who has never wanted kids said this:

“When someone asks me if I have kids, I often feel almost apologetic when I say no, like I have to provide a ‘good enough’ reason or they’ll take pity on me and assume I can’t have children,” said Rebecca. “But I just don’t have the gene for wanting a child, and I don’t think having a child would improve our relationship. I usually tell people that we’ve chosen to go the dog-and-cat route and leave it at that.”

Apologetic? She’s clearly a woman who has thought through this and made an intelligent decision, but now she feels she must apologize for that? Haven’t we all done that to some degree?

The article goes on to quote Laura Carroll, author Families of Two: Interviews with Happily Married Couples without Children by Choice, who says:

 “I have been watching the childfree for over 10 years now, and I can say that they are not a homogeneous group. They come from all socioeconomical backgrounds and life experiences. They are no more selfish than parents who have kids for their own reasons. They so often contribute to the lives of kids (e.g., have occupations that revolve around children), to their communities, and our world. We need to realize and fully accept as a society that having children is an option, not a given. We also need to realize and accept that not everyone has the call to have parenthood be the central focus of their lives. There are many ways to lead fulfilling lives that make a difference, and raising children is one way, not the way, as many, many people out there will attest!”

Yes!! Finally!  I was happily thinking that the conversation about being childfree  is being brought into the mainstream. But this is how the article ends:

What do you think of the decision not to have children? Is it selfish? Or are couples who choose to be kid-free just self-aware enough to know that, for whatever reason, they’re not parent material? Are you childfree by choice?

So, in the end this article–originally printed in REDBOOK, the magazine for everywoman– isn’t addressing everywoman after all; it’s asking people with children for their opinions on the childless. Until a mainstream magazine publishes an article called, “Are parents selfish?” we aren’t really having a dialogue about this subject.

Happy 100th Post!

Yesterday marked the 100th post on this blog. Wow! I had no idea I had 100 things to say about being childess. Turns out I have 100’s more, and you have plenty of things of your own to say. This blog gets more than 300 hits a week, and the main LWB site forums have been ablaze lately. Discussions are firing up, groups are forming, and friends are being made. It’s very exciting to be able to have these conversations with like-minded people.

So thank you for showing up, thank you for sticking around, and thank you for supporting one another and me. Onwards to the next 100 and beyond!

Are Women With More Education Less Likely to Have Children?

The Pew Research Center recently put out an interesting report on women without children. According to their findings:

Nearly one-in-five American women ends her childbearing years without having borne a child, compared with one-in-ten in the 1970s. While childlessness has risen for all racial and ethnic groups, and most education levels, it has fallen over the past decade for women with advanced degrees.

One-in-five women? I have to say that those figures surprised me. The report goes on to say:

Childlessness is most common among highly educated women. In 2008, 24% of women ages 40-44 with a bachelor’s degree had not had a child. Rates were similar for women with a master’s degree (25%) and those with a doctorate or a professional degree, such as a medical or legal degree (23%).

The report doesn’t give any indication as to why the rates dropped in women with advanced degrees when they were increasing overall. Any thoughts on this?

I thought it would be interesting to conduct our own poll and test our figures against the report’s. What is the highest level of education you have attained?

[polldaddy poll=3463887]

Number of women without children soars, study finds

Number of women without children soars, study finds.

I found this article very interesting, especially as a great discussion on this exact topic ensued here a couple of days ago.

While I’m not exactly happy to hear that our numbers are swelling (because I’m concerned that at least some of this is due to rising infertility rates) I’m always glad to see the discussion being had “out there” in the public eye. The more we talk about this, the sooner being a woman (or a man) without children will become less of a taboo subject.

Father’s Day

I think it’s fair to say that Mother’s Day ranks right up there on the list of worst days to be childless. But what about Father’s Day?

When my husband and I were first married I would always send him a Father’s Day card from the cat. I’d write left-handed in baby writing and sign it with a paw print. As it became increasingly apparent that we weren’t going to have children together, I stopped sending the cards. I considered resuming the tradition this year, but have yet to take the step of actually purchasing a card. Even though my husband has children of his own to celebrate with, I know he still feels sad that I wasn’t able to have children. I don’t want to reopen those wounds when I know they still haven’t fully healed, so the cat most likely won’t be sending a card.

What about you? Is Father’s Day a touchy day for you? How about for the men in your life? How do you deal with these days that sometimes seem designed to remind us of our childless status? Or is it no big deal to you? I’d like to know.