Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Preparing for Mother’s Day

By Lisa Manterfield

holding handsLet’s just say it: Mother’s Day is the nuclear bomb of holidays when you don’t have children. It’s a day of brunches, church services, and flowers, when shops, offices, restaurants, and even our social media feeds are filled with celebrations of moms and all things motherhood. To top it all, this holiday has somehow escaped the political correctness cleanup that other holidays have undergone, so while many people are hesitant these days to wish someone a Merry Christmas, lest they offend, no one seems to have any qualms about wishing everyone a Happy Mother’s Day.

It took me a long time to be able to face Mother’s Day, but the last couple of years I’ve done something fun for myself on that weekend. A couple of years ago I planned a trapeze class and this year I’m running a half marathon at Disneyland. Each year, I’m able to note that the day bothers me less and less, and I use it to mark my own progress. I know that many of you aren’t there yet, and from past experience I know that it pays to face the day prepared.

If you plan to venture out over Mother’s Day weekend, be ready for almost everyone to wish you a happy Mother’s Day. This includes friends, neighbors, sales assistants, parking attendants, and even complete strangers. Prepare your arsenal of stock replies and be ready to respond, so you don’t find yourself caught unawares and having to explain why you’re standing in the middle of the street in tears, yelling “It’s not a happy day at all!” to an unsuspecting stranger.  My standard response is to say “Thank you. You too” and move on as quickly as possible.

Once you’re aware of the inevitable challenges the day can bring, it’s good to make a plan to keep yourself protected. If you know you’re not going to be able to make it through the day with your emotions intact, stay at home or make plans to go somewhere away from the biggest challenge spots. If you’re expected to attend a big family gathering, consider if you could take a pass, just this year. Even if the next Mother’s Day is months from now, take a few minutes to jot down the challenges you might face and come up with a plan. How will you spend the day? How will you honor your own mother? And how will you deal with the challenges you can’t avoid?

Remembering to Honor Your Mother

By Lisa Manterfield

Mum

Mum and I on the water

Next Sunday is Mother’s Day in the UK, which, let’s face it, is about the worst day of the year to be childless. I think the UK is still catching up with the States as far as turning this quiet, “honoring of one’s mother” into an all-out Hallmark bonanza, but given the recent surge in popularity of Halloween and Black Friday sales, Mother’s Day is unlikely to escape.

As I live on the opposite side of the world from my own mother, I can usually escape the Mother’s day madness that happens here in the US. I’ve sent a card and gift and I’ll make a phone call, and my mum will be appreciative of the gesture. She doesn’t want or need any more fuss than that. But come May, I know that many of you here in the US will be facing far bigger expectations, so let’s take a breath before the madness begins and start with a little history and perspective.

The modern idea of Mother’s Day here in the U.S was started in 1905 when Anna Jarvis, a woman who wanted to honor her own mother and her contributions to Anna’s life, fought to make it an official celebration. Mother’s Day as we know it was made official in 1914, when President Woodrow Wilson designated it as a national holiday celebrating mothers. It was quickly adopted and subsequently commercialized.

Anna (who was not a mother herself, by the way) never intended the day to be a celebration of motherhood, but a way for people to honor their own mothers in their own way. She was so enraged by the twisting of the quiet commemoration she’d envisioned that she actively protested the holiday that she’d fought so hard to create. I think poor old Anna would turn in her grave if she saw what Mother’s Day has become.

Keeping some perspective on the original intention can help you get through this difficult day, especially if your own mother is still in your life. You’ll need to find a way to celebrate her that’s appropriate for your relationship and your own need for protection. Perhaps you can send her a card or flowers. If you like to take her to lunch, suggest doing it the week before or after Mother’s Day, when it won’t be so crowded and you can enjoy your time together. Use this as an opportunity, if you can, to create a more meaningful tradition with your mother. This isn’t about poo-pooing Mother’s Day and all mothers, including your own, but it is about protecting yourself and honoring your mother in a meaningful, rather than a wholly commercial and meaningless, way.

Mother’s Day is still a couple of months away here, but taking a few minutes now to think about the challenges you might face and come up with a plan will help you get through the day. So what’s your plan? How will you spend the day? How will you honor your own mother? And how will you deal with the challenges you can’t avoid?

Whiny Wednesday: When Technology Attacks!

Whiny_WednesdayMy whine this week is all about this site. Last week, like a dutiful blogger, I did my regular monthly system updates… and all hell broke loose!

As I’m sure you saw firsthand, the comment button vanished into thin air, making it impossible to post comments. Yeah, three days before Mother’s Day and this site is as good as useless.

Added to that, the updates also changed my very rigid spam filters, and while no spam made it onto the site itself, my inbox was overflowing with ads for cheap Oakley sunglasses and knock-off Louis Vuitton.

Everything’s more or less back to normal now, thank goodness (and thanks to a WordPress Wizard who works weekends!) I appreciate patience over the past week. But honestly, it’s times like these I wish we could all meet up for coffee in-person instead of online.

It’s Whiny Wednesday and it’s open forum today. Whatever’s on your mind, feel free to unload it here!

It Got Me Thinking…About Nurturers

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

I can bitch with the best about how much I loathe the holiday that’s coming up this Sunday. I’ve spent past years avoiding church, restaurants, flower shops, TV ads, and, well, people who brightly wished me “HAPPY (you-know-who’s) DAY!” It was easier to hibernate than face painful reminders of what I am not.

But this year is different. This year I am embracing the second Sunday in May because a wise friend has transformed it for me. This year I am pulling out all the stops and celebrating because I am…drumroll, please…a Nurturer!

Here’s the message my friend sent out last May, and it is my message to you.

To the nurturers in us all: For helping friends in need, for compassion for strangers in pain, for helping children to learn, and for being good stewards of our world…Happy Nurturer’s Day!

If you are an aunt, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a coworker, a coach, or a listener. If you’ve comforted another person, if you’ve offered support or encouragement, or if you’ve shared a hug. If you’ve read something on this site and responded with kind words or sent up a prayer for a sister in need. If you’ve been any or all of these things, then it’s time you acknowledge yourself.

You’ve been there for me, in our forums, in your comments, in your presence here with us on this site. For that I say, Thank you! and Happy Nurturer’s Day!

The Emotional Waves of Mother’s Day

By Paulina Grace Hay

MP900399009Mother’s Day is looming and, once again, I find myself waiting for it to be over. It feels like I’m holding my breath underwater, hoping that no one sees me, the water creating a lovely muffle to drown out all the celebrations around me. When it’s over, I come up and gasp for air, crawling back to the shore.

Last year, even though I did my best to become a record setter in holding my breath, I had to come for air a lot. Some breaths were easy and others were labored. Before I went under, I filled up my oxygen tank with some good feelings. I started my day by reaching out to my fellow childless friends and my friends who have lost their mother or aren’t close with their mothers. It makes so happy when they seem genuinely surprised and touched that someone thought of them on Mother’s Day. Sure enough, I had a friend unload how she was having a triple whammy of a day – it was her birthday, the anniversary of her mother’s death and she’s childless. I didn’t know what to say, but offered an ear if she needed it and to share my plate of brownies with her.

Then I received a text from my brother wishing me a “Happy Mother’s Day – hope it’s a great one!” I just wanted to say, “Are you serious? You know what I’ve been through. How can you say that to me?” Instead I wrote an email both my brothers, with an honest account of how I spend my day. I finished with how on days like this it would be nice to hear from them that they appreciate how I try to make their kids feel special and that I watch over our parents so they don’t have to. I was proud of myself for being vulnerable and stating what I needed.

Until they responded.

One wrote back quickly stating yet again that he cannot be expected to understand how difficult it is to have gone through a miscarriage. He always tells his girls, he said, how lucky they are to have me (even though I rarely get to see them.) I was hurt but not overly surprised by his response. Learning through Brené Brown why such comments are painful has been so helpful. His comments create distance not connection. That happened to you, not me – thank god. “I can’t understand” means “I really don’t want to try to understand.” Telling his girls to appreciate me is not telling me he appreciates me.

The other responded a bit later with a more seemingly thoughtful response. He was kind in saying that he does appreciate me every day. Then he went on to share a few stories to “one up” my sadness. Essentially the message was, “Stop whining. There are people that have it a lot worse than you.” He closed with how he would pray for me. It is devastating when someone belittles your pain, but Brené helped me reclaim it. My pain is my pain and it hurts like hell, even if he can’t see it. Also, his comment to pray for me felt like, “I can’t handle this but this makes me feel good about myself.”

My siblings aren’t bad people and if nothing else I hope that sharing my story helps them find a path to empathy, even if that’s a road we never travel together. I am proud of myself for standing in my truth regardless of the outcome. Going forward I likely won’t share another vulnerable moment like that with them. It’s time for me to move on.

I reached out an old male friend and asked if he had time to talk. I knew he wouldn’t be celebrating Mother’s Day because he was estranged from his mom. Over our decade of friendship, he’s occasionally given me a glimpse inside his fractured family. We talked for a long time about life and work. I never mentioned my pain. I was just content to remind myself that I had a good male connection in my life that cared for me just as I am. I later texted him and told him briefly what our conversation had meant to me, even if it seemed rather ordinary. He gave me a gift without even knowing it so I wanted him to know.

Later I received an e-mail from a family friend’s daughter who said that it had meant so much to her over the years that I always reached out to her on Mother’s Day since her mom had passed. She was now sitting down to do the same for another family friend. It was a much-needed breath of fresh air to know my small gestures did change her outlook on this day.

As I prepare for Mother’s Day this year, it helps to know I am not alone. That there are people who love me for who I am, and that I can make a difference to others helps me to take a deep breath and keep living.

The Irony of Infertility

DSC_0026

Infertile Women Behaving Badly

Back in May I wrote a post about my Mother’s Day plans for this year. You may recall that my friend and I had planned to take a trapeze class that day. Well, as it turned out, after battling the Mother’s Day traffic, the class was canceled due to some fierce winds that kicked up that day. Instead, we battled the Mother’s Day foot traffic to find a place to have a lunch with our respective Mr. Fabs.

During the weeks that passed before we could reschedule our class, I had a couple of doctor’s appointments that resulted in some tests. As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I’ve been having some wild hot flashes and night sweats and generally not been feeling 100 percent.

On the day of our rescheduled class, as I was driving to meet my friend for our second attempt, my gynecologist called with my results. I wasn’t surprised to learn that my hormones were all over the place and my numbers put me officially in menopause.

I didn’t have too much time to think about this news as I was scaling a ladder and flinging myself off a high platform with nothing but a string net to catch me, but afterwards it all started to sink in. On the day I took my class, originally intended to take back Mother’s Day, I learned that any chance I might have had (slim as it was) to become pregnant and give birth to a child, was gone. The irony was not lost on me.

So, as Porky Pig would say, “Th-th-th-that’s all folks !” I am now officially done. And after a small wave of sadness, I’m okay with this. I’ve done my hard work in healing from my loss and I have my life moving in a direction I like. I don’t have to worry about how I’d feel about a surprise pregnancy (you know, like the ones people tell you happen “all the time.”) Somehow, there’s a finality to it all and it’s an end I think I was ready for.

Now I can get on with the business of doing things unbecoming for a woman of my age. I’m very much looking forward to that!

You can see my trapeze efforts in this video. I almost made the catch. And don’t be alarmed by the gasp from the crowd. I didn’t get hurt (apart from a few bruises and some muscle soreness the likes of which I have never experienced before!)

Lisa’s Trapeze from Lisa Manterfield on Vimeo.

Mother’s Day Retreat

beach-ocean4I know this is a tough weekend for many of you, as the Mother’s Day hoopla comes to head and you wrestle with taking care of yourself, fulfilling family obligations, and dodging the flippant “Happy Mother’s Day” greetings.

I thought we could use and emergency Whiny Weekend/Support/Retreat, so I’m posting this here and have also created a topic on the Community Forum, in case you need to just get away. I chose the image for this post so you can imagine yourself there if things get too wild.

So, hope you’re all doing okay. See you back here on Monday, when it will all be over.

 

My Big (Unconventional) Mother’s Day Plans

Image courtesy TSNY/Bob Holzman

Image courtesy TSNY/Bob Holzman

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past month and haven’t turned on the TV, logged onto Facebook, been to a grocery, drug, or card store, or checked your mail or your email box, you’re probably already aware that Mother’s Day is upon us. In my book this day easily trumps Halloween, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day combined for the worst day of the year to not have children.

I’ve written about Mother’s Day woes in the past (see below for some reruns), but this year I’m taking back the day.

Two years ago my friend and I bought Groupons for trapeze lessons. We somehow never managed to organize a date to go and last month we realized our passes would expire on May 14. We quickly scrambled our calendars and found a day we were both free. Sunday May 11 was the only option. I mean, what else would two childless women with British mothers have to do that day?

So, that’s it. We’re going. And honestly, I can’t think of a more fitting way to take back what was once the saddest day of my year than by flying through the air with the greatest of ease, as a magnificent non-mom on my flying trapeze!

***

If you’re struggling with Mother’s Day, here are a few past posts and encouraging comments that I hope will help.

My Bah Humbug to Mother’s Day, But Not to Mother (May, 2010)

Breaking Up with Mother’s Day (May 2011)

It Got Me Thinking…About Nurturers (May 2012)

Preparedness (May 2012)

Duck, Weave, or Cover? (May 2012)

Mother’s Day (May 2013)

It Got Me Thinking…About Nurturers

Girl ThinkingNote: This post originally ran on May 8, 2012 

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

I can bitch with the best about how much I loathe the holiday that’s coming up this Sunday. I’ve spent past years avoiding church, restaurants, flower shops, TV ads, and, well, people who brightly wished me “HAPPY (you-know-who’s) DAY!” It was easier to hibernate than face painful reminders of what I am not.

But this year is different. This year I am embracing the second Sunday in May because a wise friend has transformed it for me. This year I am pulling out all the stops and celebrating because I am…drumroll, please…a Nurturer!

Here’s the message my friend sent out last May, and it is my message to you.

To the nurturers in us all: For helping friends in need, for compassion for strangers in pain, for helping children to learn, and for being good stewards of our world…Happy Nurturer’s Day!

If you are an aunt, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a coworker, a coach, or a listener. If you’ve comforted another person, if you’ve offered support or encouragement, or if you’ve shared a hug. If you’ve read something on this site and responded with kind words or sent up a prayer for a sister in need. If you’ve been any or all of these things, then it’s time you acknowledge yourself.

You’ve been there for me, in our forums, in your comments, in your presence here with us on this site. For that I say, Thank you! and Happy Nurturer’s Day!

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She’s mostly at peace with her decision to be childfree.