Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

If I Had to Go Through Infertility Again…

By Lisa Manterfield

Mr. Fab and I don’t talk much anymore about our infertility journey. He’d as soon forget the whole ordeal and I prefer to look forward rather than dwelling on what might have been. But recently it came up in conversation.

“If I had to do it all again, I would,” he told me.

My first thought was “No way!” I wouldn’t wish that experience on my worst enemy and I don’t think I could bear to see Mr. Fab go through it again. But when I thought about it some more, I see there are positives that came out of it.

We are tougher than we were before, both individually and as a couple. We now know we can weather a major storm, and we’ll be okay when the next one comes along (and they always come along). I’m more compassionate toward others who might be in pain, now that I know what it’s like to be smiling in public and dying on the inside. I learned a lot about myself and how I handle crisis, and we’ve learned about one another. We’ve uncovered the people we really are.

So if I had to do it all again, I would. Would you?

It Got Me Thinking…About What To Do With All Those Keepsakes

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

A while back, Robin started a lively discussion on our site about “What do you do with hand-me-downs?” And it got me thinking…about the boxes of stuff in my basement (and the hall closet, and the dining room cabinet, and the office filing shelves…).

My mom, like many women of her generation, has begun downsizing. I regularly get emails from her with photos of china, silver, and other precious family heirlooms. “Do you want this?” she asks.

“Yes! Of course!” I want to say, but my enthusiasm is tempered as I allow myself to think about whether or not I’ll truly use it (I don’t have a lot of fine-dining opportunities) and what I’ll do with it when it’s my turn to pass them along.

On top of her treasures, I think about all the items I’ve saved, most of them truly price-less, such as the programs, cards, certificates, trophies, studio portraits, and snapshots. This doesn’t even include the motherlode of photos and documents on my computer. One day, I’d thought, I’ll share all of this with my children. Instead, my assembled keepsakes mock and taunt me as I now think, Some day, someone, possibly a stranger, will have to deal with this mess.

What will you do with your treasures, your family heirlooms, your precious hand-me-downs?

I hope you’ll join our discussion.

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is mostly at peace with being childfree.

Whiny Wednesday: People Who Shouldn’t Have Kids

I’ve had to take a break from the news and social media recently. It seems as if nothing good is happening in the world. As if all the terror attacks, politics, natural disasters, and deadly diseases weren’t enough, I find story after story that prompted this week’s topic:

People who shouldn’t be allowed to have kids

 It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s making you furious this week?

Talking About the Grief of Childlessness

By Lisa Manterfield

I’ve been writing and talking a lot about grief lately—here on the blog, in my fiction, in my personal life, in the novels I’m reading, and for the Life Without Baby book. Even when I got chatting to a stranger on a plane, the conversation turned to the topic of grief.

Over paper cups of tea, this woman—who had lost her brother to suicide—and I talked about how grief stays with us long after we’re “over it”, how the shape of grief changes with time, how it can change us, and how everyone carries around their own personal grief.

My only regret in the discussion is that it didn’t begin sooner on our journey, because I would have liked to hear more about what she had to say on the subject. But eventually we parted ways, she to her office and I to catch another flight, and I didn’t have the opportunity to ask her more about her grief.

So, I’d like to ask you instead.

  • How has your grief changed over time?
  • How has your loss changed you?
  • In what ways has your grief crept out, even when you’ve tried to keep it under wraps?

As a society, I don’t believe the topic of grief gets enough attention. We’re uncomfortable with grieving people, no matter what type of loss they’ve suffered, but it’s especially true when the loss isn’t understood.

So let’s start the conversation now. Let’s talk about this grief. I’d love to hear what you have to say.

Whiny Wednesday: Uber Parents


They’re everywhere. You’ve heard them spouting about pre-schools. You’ve seen them take over restaurants. Maybe you’re even related to one!

They’re the topic for this week’s whine:

Uber-Parents

Here’s your chance to blow off steam.

Childless and Invisible

By Lisa Manterfield

Have you ever been around people who behave as if you can’t possibly know anything about life because you don’t have children?

I’m sure that all of us have heard the old chestnuts, “You wouldn’t understand; you don’t have kids” or “I didn’t understand until I became a mother” (which implies the same thing) or even “Only a parent could know how this feels,” as if being childless strips away all capability of empathy.

And then there are those situations where you just feel invisible, when the conversation about children and parenting is swirling around you and no one even bothers to make eye contact with you because what could you possibly contribute?

These instances make me think of the wonderful “Mr. Cellophane” number from the musical “Chicago.”

And even without clucking like a hen,

Everyone gets noticed now and then,

Unless, of course, that person it should be,

Invisible, inconsequential me.

Personally, I’m done with feeling insignificant because I don’t have kids. It took me a long time to get to this point, but now I hold my ground in conversation. I contribute when I can and simply listen and nod when I can’t, just as I would if I found myself in a conversation on any other topic on which I’m not an expert.

I also keep a list of amazing childless women in case I ever need to remind myself that we don’t need to be parents to make a difference. On my personal list is Amelia Earhart, Dian Fossey, Julia Child, and Juliet Gordon Low, who started the Girl Scout movement. If you need your own role models, Jody Day has put together an outstanding collection on Pinterest.

You’d be hard-pressed to call any of these women insignificant. I remind myself of this when I find myself allowing others to make me feel like less than who I am.

So what do you do when you start to feel like a Ms. Cellophane? Do you feign boredom, try to hop in with an intelligent anecdote, change the subject, or do you slip away and hope no one notices you’ve left?

Finding Your Old Self After Infertility

By Lisa Manterfield

At this point in my life, I can truly say I at peace with not having children. But for a long time there were days when the darkness came over me. Do you know what I mean?

Ordinarily, the darkness was a tiny ball that I carried it around with me wherever I went. It was safely tucked away and I didn’t even notice it. Then something would happen to flip the lid and suddenly the darkness crept into every open space within me.

I got tired of carrying the darkness around and finally I was ready to let it go. I didn’t want to feel bitter or sad about not having children, because honestly, I was okay. But I couldn’t remember who I was any more. When I looked in the mirror I didn’t see me. I saw a woman who looked tired and overweight, and very, very serious about life. She didn’t laugh easily or live with abandon, like the real me used to. She was cautious and unwilling to let herself go. She felt like a square peg in a world full of round holes and it was lonely to live that way.

Our experiences make us who we are, but what happens to who we were? In a universe where energy remains constant, I knew that the old me — the laughing, carefree joyous me — must still have been around. I’d catch glimpses of her sometimes, and like a huntress, I’d follow her into the woods. And yet, so often, she managed to evade me.

But I was patient. I kept an eye on her and kept moving towards her. I kept hunting her, until I caught up with her again. And finally, she I were able to stand together again and let the darkness go.

Are you missing the old you? Where might you go to find her again?

Whiny Wednesday: The Baby Shower


This week’s Whiny Wednesday topic is that old chestnut:

The baby shower!

A reader wrote:

I would like to know how others handle baby showers. I have vowed to not go to any more baby showers after leaving the last one in tears and disappointed in myself because I felt so strong before I went. Do others have emotional issues about other people’s baby showers or am I alone?

After assuring her that she definitely was not alone in feeling this way, I thought I’d turn the topic over to you.

Please whine, rant, empathize, and even advise on this most delicate of topics.

The Truth About IVF

By Lisa Manterfield

If you’ve dealt with infertility, odds are you’ve had experience with the fertility industry. You’ve also probably come to realize that the glossy brochures and promises of miracle babies are only a small part of the whole story.

My Story

I had my first experience with a fertility clinic about a year after we started trying to conceive. Without ordering any kind of tests to root out the cause of our fertility issues, this particular doctor tried to shunt us into a series of invasive and expensive IVF treatments. Only later, when we finally found our way to a more ethical doctor, who conducted a string of tests to get an accurate diagnosis, did we learn that IVF would not have been an appropriate course of treatment for my condition. I can only imagine the heartbreak we would have endured—not to mention the tens of thousands of dollars and unnecessary hormone shots—had we blithely gone along with the first doctor’s scheme.

I don’t use the word “scheme” lightly in this case. Looking back, I do not feel that this man was practicing medicine. He was running a highly profitable business and picking up desperate clients at their most vulnerable. Lest anyone think I’m being paranoid (and I doubt many on this site would) this clinic is now under investigation for unethical practices. I’m only glad we crossed paths while I was still “hopeful” and hadn’t progressed to “obsessed”, and we still had the wherewithal to sniff out a rat and run. I am sure that hundreds, if not thousands, of couples were not so lucky. Hopefully this man will be brought to account soon.

That’s my story and I know that many of you have similar stories of slick marketing and misleading statistics. For most of us here, IVF and its related treatments, do not hold the secret elixir to motherhood. And yet, it’s still perceived as the surefire way for the infertile to make their dreams come true.

The Truth About IVF

Now, my dear friend Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos is working to rectify this misinformation. You probably already know Pamela from her website, Silent Sorority, and her book of the same title.  Pamela has just launched a new project and she needs your help.

Pamela is on a mission to unmask the truth about IVF and the fertility industry, and to provide a reliable resource for people considering fertility treatments. The site will provide studies and accurate statistics, along with real stories of people who have undergone treatment. And that’s where you come in.

If you’ve undergone IVF and would like to share your story and experience with Pamela and her team, please take a look at her new website, ReproTechTruths. You can contact her there or email her directly at info [at] reprotechtruths [dot] org.

I hope you’ll help contribute to this important conversation.

Whiny Wednesday: Making Friends When You Don’t Have Kids


This week’s Whiny Wednesday topic comes from a reader and is ripe for a rant and perhaps some ideas.

She writes:

“I still haven’t figured out how to make friends with people my own age (40s) who have children. I often feel disposable, or okay to invite to things when it suits them. I’m a thoughtful, caring person who deserves better.”

What do you think about this? It’s Whiny Wednesday, so let it all out.