Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

No Kidding Nancy

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

No Kidding cover“A couple of lousy choices in men (damn the nineties) and some reproductive system woes later,” and Nancy Van Iderstine found herself “Not Pregnant at the Ob-Gyn.” Her story is part of a collection of funny, sad, and eye-opening essays titled No Kidding: Women Writers on Bypassing Motherhood edited by Henriette Mantel. (Available in Kindle and paperback on Amazon.)

I was introduced to Nancy by a mutual friend maybe 10 years ago: “You’re both great writers, you both work in entertainment!” But it wasn’t until this book came out that I learned we were also both childfree-not-by-choice. I wanted to hear more about her journey, and she agreed to chat.

LWB: Did you always want children?

NVI: Yes, but I personally did not endure a lot of external pressure to have kids. I was active in life, and when I was younger, I thought: “Everything is still going to happen.”

LWB: When did you know for sure you weren’t going to have kids?

NVI: About 12 years ago I was in a difficult relationship, and it was clear I could not bring a child into it.  [She later ruled out adoption due to the “demands of (her) work and involvement in various social, environmental, and animal causes”.] But part of me didn’t fully give up until I had a hysterectomy seven years ago. That brought with it early menopause and the related physical, mental, emotional, and financial challenges.

LWB: How did you face this?

NVI: I had a meltdown, and I went into mourning.

LWB: Are you still mourning?

NVI: I still go ga-ga over strangers’ babies; I am drawn to babies like magic. I see in them this awe of life, and it is exhilarating to be around them. It used to rip my heart out, but now I have cats and I treat them like babies.

LWB: How do you respond to the accusation that we are selfish because we don’t have children?

NVI: Women are put in the hot seat more than men over the baby issue. We’re told anything we experience in life is nothing compared to having kids. I was talking with a relative of mine, a woman who is of the 1950s generation. I was telling her how heartbroken I was over issues in a relationship, and she came back with “Imagine doing all that and having children.” It totally removed all the legitimacy of my concerns, as if my concerns only mattered if I was a mommy. I started to cry and said to her, “Do you have any idea how much I wanted kids?” It hasn’t worked out for me, but that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel pain and express it. Because I’m not a mother? Sure, overall, friends who have kids are less self-absorbed because circumstances pull them out of themselves. But people in animal rescue exhaust themselves doing good work too.

LWB: What do you wish you could have told your younger self?

NVI: “Please trust your intuition” and “Please stop selling yourself short.” I ignored my inner voice. I wish I had allowed myself to be confident; I would have made fewer mistakes. There’s a lot to be said for feeling empowered.

LWB: How did you come to be part of this book?

NVI: I spent a year back east helping my mom and I bumped into Henriette. We had grown up near each other in Vermont. She told me she was working on a project and asked “Would you like to submit something?” She knew I was an actor/writer, had seen and enjoyed my one-woman show, and she knew my history, including my hysterectomy.

LWB: What was the experience like?

NVI: I sensed most of the contributors were comediennes and I wondered if there might not be enough of a mournful side. I wanted to present the sorrowful side, and then I second-guessed myself: Do I want to be the unfunny one? Do I sound whiney? I felt like I was lamenting it—my tale of woe, my bad dating, my lost uterus—but I’ve found my story is much more universal than I’d thought and I was okay with it. I don’t know many hyster-sisters, and I feel good about giving them a voice. One woman came up to me at a reading and said “I was so moved” even though she was a mom. She also went through the process of a hysterectomy. I became aware that this is why you do it. I feel like in everything I do, I want people to take something away, to feel, happy or sad.

LWB: What has the reaction to the book been like?

NVI: Hugely positive. I’m kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop! Overall, readers are intrigued by it, and they’ve embraced it. The only backlash I fear is that I often write for people who have kids. They may have the perception that I don’t like kids, since they don’t know my background. I’m surprised the book was so well received because women deciding what to do with their lives pushes buttons.

LWB: Do you have any advice for our readers?

NVI: I think there’s a reason we are drawn to what we do. Whatever our choices, we are right (if you’re not a criminal). Whenever I returned to somewhat puritanical New England, I apologized for all of my life decisions—until about two years ago. It never really helped me. We have been apologizing to ourselves, justifying ourselves. Do we have to answer every critic? We really don’t. We’re three-dimensional. We need to stop apologizing and just give something to the world.

 

No Kidding: Women Writers On Bypassing Parenthood features 37 essays from amazing, funny women, including Margaret Cho, Wendy Liebman, and Nora Dunn.

In addition to her contribution to No Kidding, Nancy Van Iderstine wrote Twentieth Century Fox: The First 75 Years, edited State Of Mind (the first book in Sven Davison’s Godhead Trilogy), and authored Vegan & Gluten-free Recipes To LIVE For: Comfort Food That Comforts! A performer with a gift for character voices, Nancy stars as Mama Chu in Little Big Panda, and she remains one of a small group of women who have played monsters in the Power Rangers franchise. See what Nancy’s up to at http://nancyvaniderstine.virb.com/.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_WednesdayThis is week I have a number of whines, none of which I’m willing to verbalize on a public forum, because they all involve people I know and like, and would hate to hurt. (Sometimes I wish I blogged anonymously, though.)

But, it is Whiny Wednesday and your chance to vent, so go for it. And just know that I’m stomping and venting to myself over here, too.

Guest Post: No Apologies

By Justine Brooks Froelker, LPC, CDWF-Candidate

Young Businesswoman Standing with Two Young Business ExecutivesBattling through IVF and learning to accept a childfree life means we are faced, sometimes daily, with uncomfortable social situations and questions about our motherhood status and how we got here. It also means the wounds of infertility, especially in the beginning when things are completely raw, continue to be open, gaping wounds. And at times, it can feel like society callously pours salt into us over and over.

Infertility, IVF, pregnancy loss and childfree acceptance are some of the most shamed words in our lexicon. The blogging universe has helped move us past this shame in many ways; however we have a long way to go in my opinion. My blog, Ever Upward, is my story; completely honest, completely open and without much shame…anymore at least.

Owning my story, completely and out loud, for the world to read has changed my life. My healing journey continues to improve and I am making connections with so many people all over the world. However, I completely understand and get that this is not how most of us going through infertility and childfree acceptance feel. However, I would like to offer a permission for all of us.

No apologies.

If you aren’t ready for that baby shower, politely decline. If your friend only talks about her brand new baby or her kids, respectfully ask her about something else in her life or bravely ask her to stop. Or simply greatly limit your time with her. Only you know what you are ready for with wherever you are in your journey. Give yourself permission to ask for what you want and need and to set boundaries. And do it without apology, especially to yourself.

As I write, I am headed home from my certification training with The Daring Way™ based on the research of Brené Brown. Through my work in the last 5 days I have learned more about my shame surrounding my IVF journey. Of course the misunderstandings and judgments that society and others have surrounding infertility can make shame envelope me so quickly that I completely shrink. But, through my work I also learned that at times I shut myself down in telling my full story because I know it is difficult for others to hear. Not only do they not want to discuss shamed infertility but they also don’t want to have to feel how sad my story is. Or how much they wish I could be a mother because they know I’d be a great mother. I find that I quiet myself and don’t share because I shield myself from feeling shame by people pleasing and caretaking, not wanting someone I care about to feel any pain, let alone my pain.

But, I also silence myself because I really don’t want their fucking sympathy.

I hopefully yearn for their empathy, and one day their understanding.

In the light filled spirit that has washed over me after learning the curriculum of The Daring Way™ I am filled with courage and hope. I will no longer shy away from my story, ever. I will practice my shame resilience. I will stop making apologies to society, to my friends and family, but most of all to myself.

So without any apology:

I am Justine.

I tried IVF two times with a gestational surrogate, and for us two times is enough and one more time than we really could afford both financially and emotionally.

I can’t have kids.

I tried very hard to be a mother.

I paid a lot of money to be a mother.

And, I put my body (and my surrogate’s body) through hormonal hell to have a baby.

But they were never my babies to love here on earth.

I know that adoption isn’t for me.

And so I work, sometimes every minute of every day, to accept my childfree life and to let go of my childlessness.

And I will no longer silence myself because my story is sad or scary for anyone, as I will no longer allow shame to steal my true self.

Because, this is my ever upward.

No apologies.

 

Justine Brooks Froelker is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator-Candidate (based on the research of Brené Brown) with a private practice in St. Louis, Missouri (www.jbftherapyandcoaching.com). In February 2011, her husband and she began their journey in the world of IVF. 2 rounds of IVF with a gestational surrogate, 2 transfers, 3 babies never to be born and learning to accept a childfree life later, Ever Upward is conceived. 

It Got Me Thinking…About Valentine’s Schmalentines

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Girl ThinkingLisa and I had a scheduling meeting earlier this year and she reminded me that my column would fall on Valentine’s Day.

“I hate Valentine’s Day” came out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

Hearts, flowers, chocolates…pfft! Even though I am now enjoying a loving relationship with a generous partner, there’s still a part of me that carries sensory memories of lonely, miserable holidays, some while I was single and some while I was in less-than-happy relationships. It’s another one of those events (the prom, New Year’s Eve) that never seems to live up to the hype and, well, I hate it.

So. In the spirit of serious attitude adjusting, I decided to find something fun about this bittersweet day. Here’s some of the random Valentine trivia I discovered:

  • In the late 1800s, Richard Cadbury, of Britain’s famous Cadbury chocolates family, created the first Valentine’s Day candy box.
  • In the Victorian era, signing a card was considered bad luck. (First secret admirers, or first stalkers?)
  • 64% of American men do not make plans in advance for Valentine’s Day. (Shocking, I know.)
  • The name “Valentine” comes from the Latin word valor, which means “worthy.”
  • In Wales, there’s a tradition—currently enjoying a resurgence in popularity—of giving intricately hand-carved wooden “love spoons.” (See amazing examples here.)
  • (Here’s my favorite) When Abraham Lincoln was running for president of the United States, a man named Valentine Tapley said he would never shave again if Lincoln won. Lincoln won. Tapley stopped shaving in November 1860, and when he passed away in 1910, his beard measured 12 and a half feet! Here’s a picture!
Valentine Tapley

Valentine Tapley

For more trivia, check out sites here, here, and here.

Whether you choose to celebrate—or ignore—today’s holiday, I wish you love and chocolate. Kiss kiss!

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Cooking for Two

MP900182714

Here’s how I know I was supposed to have kids:

I am totally unable to cook for only two people.

Even though I was one person for a long time and my family has been two for over a decade, I still cook for a family of five. There are always leftovers in my fridge and I often turn the remnants of one meal into something different.

Maybe it’s because I grew up in a family of five and learned to cook for five that I can’t seem to downsize my portions. Or maybe there’s just a part of me that’s pure old-fashioned mother and wants to feed everyone. “Eat, eat! How are you going to grow big if you don’t eat?”

Well, Mr. Fab and I are growing big on my cooking, and now that my mother is visiting, I’ll be fattening her up to.

Do you have a maternal instinct that you can’t seem to shake off?

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_WednesdaySomeone backed their car or truck into mine in the Target parking lot the other week. They scraped my bumper, broke a tail light, and left. No note, no apology, no phone number.

Fortunately for me, a few days later Mr. Fab had a altercation with a concrete post, so the broken light is nothing compared to the giant scrape in my door. Sigh.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s causing you to shake your head in dismay this week?

It Got Me Thinking…About the Diaper Debate

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Girl ThinkingA friend posted this article (you don’t need to read it) on Facebook about the huge environmental impact of using disposable diapers. Stats indicate that the average baby will use 6,500-10,000 diapers, and in the United States that translates to 7.6 billion pounds of nonbiodegradable garbage a year!

The point of the article is to encourage parents to use cloth diapers, and the photo below was included…

diapers-300x196

…and it got me thinking…shouldn’t there be a third display, the one representing childfree people that is sparkling clean and empty?

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree.

 

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_WednesdayLast week I was checking out the stats on this blog and noticed a series of periodic spikes in visitors. When I dug a little deeper, I discovered that each spike coincided with Whiny Wednesday! I guess we all need a place to gripe now and then.

So, again, it’s Whiny Wednesday. If you have something on your mind, please share it here. I promise you, you won’t be alone!

Creating an Ending After Infertility

journalingRecently, a member of the Road Map to Healing program said she’d had an idea to write a letter to the child she never had, and she asked if I thought it was crazy.

Here’s what I told her (edited slightly to maintain her anonymity):

“Writing a letter isn’t crazy at all. One of the things that makes infertility grief so unique is that there is seldom a finite end to the journey. There’s almost always some option still open and the loss is more of a gradual moving away from the dream, rather than a sudden end. It makes it really hard to acknowledge the end and grieve that loss.

Doing something tangible, such as writing a letter, creates a kind of marker that says, “this is the end.” And the other ladies [in the program] are absolutely right about not being silent. If you need to find a time to be alone, close the door to your room, and just let it all out, do it. It’s exhausting, but it’s amazing how much grief you can purge with a good cry.”

I told her I would write a post on this topic so that you could share your experiences with creating an end to something that has none. So here it is.

In order to start moving on with your healing process, did you need to create an ending with something symbolic and meaningful to you? Please share any “crazy” ideas that helped you find a stopping place and begin coming to terms with your life without children.

Also, a new session of Road Map to Healing begins February 5th. There’s no cost to join the program, however I will be offering some additional opportunities to join support calls as well as work one-on-one with me. You can find out all about it here.