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Talking About Grief

October 10, 2016

By Lisa Manterfield

MP900438973I’ve been writing and talking a lot about grief lately—here on the blog, in my fiction, in my personal life, in the novels I’m reading, and for the Life Without Baby book that came out earlier this year. Even when I got chatting to a stranger on a plane, the conversation turned to the topic of grief.

Over paper cups of tea, this woman—who had lost her brother to suicide—and I talked about how grief stays with us long after we’re “over it”, how the shape of grief changes with time, how it can change us, and how everyone carries around their own personal grief.

My only regret in the discussion is that it didn’t begin sooner on our journey, because I would have liked to hear more about what she had to say on the subject. But eventually we parted ways, she to her office and I to catch another flight, and I didn’t have the opportunity to ask her more about her grief.

So, I’d like to ask you instead.

  • How has your grief changed over time?
  • How has your loss changed you?
  • In what ways has your grief crept out, even when you’ve tried to keep it under wraps?

As a society, I don’t believe the topic of grief gets enough attention. We’re uncomfortable with grieving people, no matter what type of loss they’ve suffered, but it’s especially true when the loss isn’t understood.

So let’s start the conversation now. Let’s talk about this grief. I’d love to hear what you have to say.

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Infertility and Loss, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes Tagged With: childfree, childless, fb, grief, Infertility, life without baby, loss, support

It Got Me Thinking…About Shotgun Weddings

September 16, 2016

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Girl ThinkingShortly after I sent out save the date cards for our wedding, I received several variations of “Didn’t know you were pregnant – har har!”

I didn’t finding this the least bit humorous, although I’m sure that is what those Jim Carrey–¬wannabes had intended. My fiancé and I had been together for four years, living together for two. We were getting married because we wanted to, not because we had to. And so what if I was pregnant? Would it make this occasion, our commitment to each other, any less solemn?

Of course, because I had finally (mostly) made peace with our decision to be childfree, our friends’ insensitive responses struck a deeper, more painful chord. What I really wanted to do was reply back by saying, “No. Sadly, pregnancy is no longer an option for me.”

But that would have been rude.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She met and married her Mr. Right in her 40s.

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Family and Friends, Guest Bloggers, It Got Me Thinking..., The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes Tagged With: childfree, childless, marriage, peace, pregnant bride, wedding

Whiny Wednesday: Facebook

August 17, 2016

Whiny WednesdayIt’s Whiny Wednesday. Hurray!

This week’s topic needs no introduction, so I’m just going to post it:

Facebook

Whine away!

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Current Affairs, Family and Friends, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes, Whiny Wednesdays Tagged With: childfree, childless, facebook, friends, Infertility, support

Whiny Wednesday: Unfair Expectations

July 13, 2016

It’s Whiny Wednesday, your opportunity to rant on a theme.

This week’s topic has been brought up by several readers:

Feeling that you’re expected to carry a disproportionate responsibility for the care of aging parents because you don’t have children to worry about. 

Feel free to add your own whines, too.

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Family and Friends, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes, Whiny Wednesdays Tagged With: childfree, childless, children, coming to terms, Dealing with questions, family, grief, health, loss, questions, support, Whine

Whiny Wednesday: Uber Parents

June 29, 2016

Whiny WednesdayThey’re everywhere. You’ve heard them spouting about pre-schools. You’ve seen them take over restaurants. Maybe you’re even related to one!

They’re the topic for this week’s whine:

Uber-Parents

Here’s your chance to blow off steam.

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Children, Family and Friends, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes, Whiny Wednesdays Tagged With: childfree, childless, children, fb, inconsiderate, parents

Whiny Wednesday: “Accidental” Pregnancies

June 22, 2016

Whiny WednesdaySome time ago, Maybe Lady Liz wrote a brilliant guest post on this site about friends posting pregnancy announcements on Facebook, only to add that they were “accidents.” I thought it would be a great topic for this week:

“Accidental” pregnancies

You can read Liz’s original post here. Just be advised if you decide to click through from the post to her blog that it is no longer about not having children, as Liz is now a mom.

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Family and Friends, Guest Bloggers, Maybe Baby, Maybe Not, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes Tagged With: childfree, childless, facebook, fb, Infertility, pregnancy, unplanned

Memorials and Milestones

May 30, 2016

By Lisa Manterfield

It’s Memorial Day here in the U.S., another excuse to barbecue, but traditionally a time to remember members of the armed forces who gave their lives.

Last year, Mr. Fab asked that we go to the cemeteries where his relatives are buried. One of those cemeteries is also the place I had my big epiphany when I realized I was never going to have children. I hadn’t been back there since that day, now several years ago, and I knew it would be a loaded place for me, but it was time.

I went and I remembered. I gave myself permission to feel whatever I felt. I felt quiet and I felt sad. I took some time to just sit and look at the spot where I finally acknowledged I would never be a mother. I didn’t cry and I didn’t feel as if going there pushed me back into my sadness. I realized I was doing okay.

It’s important to remember where we’ve been, to acknowledge what’s been lost. It makes us who we are today, for better and for worse.Going back there marked another milestone on my road to recovery and each one gets a little easier

***

On the topic of milestones, this site passed its own milestone recently. We now have over 2,500 members in the private community. If you’re not yet a member, I encourage you to join. That part of the site is password-protected, so you can chat freely and safely on the forums. There are always great conversations happening and it’s a good place to find support when you need it.  It doesn’t cost anything to become a member and you can sign up here.

***

You may have noticed a new Books page in the navigation bar. On this page you’ll now find all the Life Without Baby books, as well as all the books recommended by other readers.

If you happen to have read my books, and if you found them helpful, I’d be most grateful if you would take a minute to leave a review on Amazon, Goodreads, or wherever you happened to pick up a copy. It really helps me in a couple of ways: 1) It makes me feel good, 2) It helps other people to find the books when they search this topic, and 3) It enables me to keep this site funded (because there is some cost involved in keeping it free of baby product ads, spam, and internet trolls) and it moves Mr. Fab one tiny step closer to retirement, for which he will be most grateful. 🙂

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Infertility and Loss, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes Tagged With: books, childfree, childless, fb, Infertility, loss, memorial

Whiny Wednesday: People Who Won’t Let You Quit the Quest for Motherhood

April 20, 2016

Whiny_WednesdayMost people in my life were supportive when I told them about my decision to end my quest for motherhood. But a couple didn’t want me to quit. They kept offering unsolicited advice and stories of other people’s miracles, when what I really needed from them was a kind and understanding word.

So this week’s whine topic is:

People who won’t let you quit

Happy whining!

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Family and Friends, Infertility and Loss, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes, Whiny Wednesdays Tagged With: childfree, childless, family, fb, Infertility, quit, ttc

No Longer Belonging in a Family-Friendly Restaurant

April 11, 2016

By Lisa Manterfield

lockA couple of years ago, a favorite local restaurant closed its doors, not because business was bad, but because the owner decided to reimagine the concept to make it more family friendly. My sweet little French bistro is no more.

What make this change particularly painful (and ironic) is that this gem, with its Parisian-style sidewalk patio, is where I sat when I wrote the first post for Life Without Baby.

Image

One Friday afternoon, more than six years ago now, I took my laptop, snagged a table in the sun, ordered myself a glass of champagne and a half-dozen oysters and began documenting my life without the children I’d dreamed of. Since then, Kathleen and I have celebrated completing drafts of our books there (see photo) and, one evening, I met with one of my earliest readers of the blog to share a glass of wine and stories of our journeys. So, this place holds a special place in my heart.

Aside from the sentimental loss, the restaurant was also one of the few quiet adult places to eat in that area. Along with one or two other holdouts, it’s surrounded by family pizza joints and family burger bars. And now it’s going to be another family-focused restaurant—an “eatery” instead of a “bistro.”

The owner told the local paper that the new place “will cater to a larger segment of the population” and that he plans to “make it more of a place where everyone feels they belong.”

I found it ironic that this longtime patron, who once felt so at home there that she chose it as the place to write about not have children, would no longer feel she belonged.

It’s been over a year now since the owner first made his announcement, and the restaurant is still standing empty. Perhaps the owner’s assumptions about “everyone” was wrong after all. Still, it gives me little comfort. I still long for the favorite spot where I used to belong.

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Children, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes Tagged With: childfree, childless, excluded, family, restaurant

Writing My Way Through Infertility

March 18, 2016

typewriterToday is the final stop on my blog tour and I’m very pleased to take you to France to visit Bamp.fr.

Bamp.fr is a collective of infertility bloggers who have been making some giant strides forward for the infertility community in France. They launched an infertility awareness week and recently lobbied for paid time off for infertility-related appointments, such as tests and procedures.

My post today is about writing through infertility and how sharing my story helped me to heal. My piece appears in both English and French and was translated with the generous help of Life Without Baby reader, Lara. You can read my post—Writing My Way Through Infertility—here.

Bamp.fr would really like to expand their reach to women who have come to the end of their infertility paths and are looking for the kind of support and community we offer here. If you happen to speak French and would like to write on the topic of living childless-not-by-choice, please get in touch as they would love to have more voices speaking out.

*A note: Many of the articles on Bamp.fr are aimed at women still trying to conceive and some of you may find this triggering. Most articles are in French, however one or two have been translated to English.

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Infertility and Loss, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes Tagged With: childless, Community, france, grief, healing, Infertility, support, writing

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