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It Got Me Thinking…About Being Worth Our Salt

September 27, 2013

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

When I need a pick-me-up, I frequently turn to jazz singer Lizz Wright. Her “Walk With Me, Lord” lifts my spirits every time. Here’s a sampling from the title track of her 2003 album, Salt:

How can you lose your song

When you’ve sung it so long

How can you forget your dance

When that dance is all you’ve ever had

It must be true

You can’t separate the two

It’s impossible to do

Just like the salt in the stew

It’s all a part of you

One thing that life can’t do

Is can’t take your song from you.

As I listen to the mellow notes, as I let her lyrics sink into me, I’m reminded that even though my dreams didn’t work out quite as I planned, the essence of me is still intact. The loving, generous, creative, hopeful, compassionate, spiritual, happy, true Kath is still here, and she will figure it out. Because despite all that challenges life has dealt me, one thing that life cannot do is take my song from me. So says Saint Lizz. I am worth my salt, and you are too.

Check out what Ms. Wright is up to, listen to a recent track, and check out upcoming concert dates at http://www.lizzwright.net/.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree. 

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Guest Bloggers, Infertility and Loss, It Got Me Thinking... Tagged With: childless not by choice, fb, guest blogger, Liz Wright, Liz Wright's Salt, music, soothing music

It Got Me Thinking…About When Life Gets Funny

September 20, 2013

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

Earlier this week I received a lovely invitation to an “Egg Meets Sperm Networking Mixer.”

What the fruitcake?!

Perhaps it came to my mailbox because someone (or some program) noticed that I write a lot about “babies” and “being childfree” and determined this would be the perfect event for me. Upon closer inspection, I discovered that the event was being hosted by one of the many LGBT organizations I support, and it was intended for gay couples who are exploring their options in adoption, surrogacy, and IVF.

But before I could think through any of this, I reacted by throwing back my head and laughing out loud at the absurdity of it all. Oh, my crazy, mixed-up, outrageously funny life!

As the days passed, I found myself still chuckling as I replayed this in my head, and it dawned on me how far I have come in the past three years. If I had received this invitation earlier in my journey, it might have brought on tears, a grand pity party, or a fit of anger at the unintentional cruelties that served to remind me of my losses and lacks.

The primary reason I can sit here today and laugh about it is because I have been able to heal. And the primary reason I have been able to heal is because I’ve been allowed to grieve, share, commiserate, and celebrate with the amazing community of compassionate women I’ve encountered through LifeWithoutBaby.

If you’ve been a part of LWB for a while, thank you for being a blessing in my journey. I am so grateful to you for your openness and support. If you are new to LWB, stick with it. I know today may be a difficult day for you—I’ve been there. I also know that better days are ahead. You will heal, you will move forward, and you will laugh again.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with being childfree.

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Guest Bloggers, Infertility and Loss, It Got Me Thinking... Tagged With: Childfree by Choice, childless, childless not by choice, fb, Infertility, life without baby

Talking About Not Having Children

September 9, 2013

No talking.previewAs all of you know, it takes an awful lot of courage to talk about not having children. I know you’ve all been met with looks of confusion, dealt with inaccurate assumptions and unhelpful suggestions, and watched as people have broken eye contact to look almost anywhere else than at the “woman who doesn’t have children.” And those of you who’ve dealt with infertility know that most people can’t even bring themselves to say the word, let alone have an open conversation about it.

Nobody really wants to talk about this topic, least of all us. But a group of courageous women and men are about to do that in a very public forum—a New York City theater—in The Cycle: Living a Taboo. 

The aim of this live forum is to pull back the curtain on a taboo topic that affects millions of men and women, and to change the conversation about the realities of infertility, reproductive medicine, and living a life without children.

The Cycle: Living a Taboo forum will take place on September 27 at 8:00 pm at the Tribeca Performing Arts Center in New York City. You can get all the details and tickets to attend in person at the event website. If you’d like to go, but don’t want to go alone, please think about using the community pages to find a friend to go with.

The wonderful Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos is one of the women behind this event and, if you can’t make it in person, you can add your voice virtually at her site, Silent Sorority.

We’ll also be hosting our own virtual forum on the community pages. Please jump in and make it your own forum for saying what goes unsaid.

If you have a blog, Facebook, or Twitter, please consider stepping out and spreading the word.

It’s time we had a different conversation about infertility and living without children, and we are the ones to change it.

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Children, Infertility and Loss Tagged With: childless by choice, childless not by choice, fb, Infertility, taboo subjects, talking about not having kids

It Got Me Thinking…About Going Mainstream

September 6, 2013

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods

People are talking about “The Childfree Life.”

If you missed it, the cover story of TIME magazine’s August 12 issue explored “When having it all means not having children.” (Read the full article by Lauren Sandler here.)

I stumbled upon the article in a waiting room, and it wasn’t long before my voicemail blew up with messages. “Did you see it?!?” “What did you think?”

I cheered the positive portrayals (finally!) of women who have made the choices to be childfree and are leading full and fulfilling lives. I am grateful that Ms. Sandler acknowledges that “if you’re a woman who’s not in the mommy trenches, more often than not you’re excluded from the discussion.” (Yup.) I am hopeful that “women who choose not to become mothers are finding new paths of acceptance.” (Something we address regularly here at LWB.)

Most of all, after years and years of being subjected to articles—if not whole publications—about parenting, I am happy about finally being included in a mainstream discussion.

Did you read the article? What do you think about it?

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with being childfree.

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Current Affairs, Guest Bloggers, It Got Me Thinking... Tagged With: Childfree by Choice, childless not by choice, fb, Lauren Sandler in Time Magazine

Whiny Wednesday: Small Talk

August 28, 2013

During August, as I enjoy some travel time, I’m sharing some of my favorite and your favorite posts from the past year. I’ll look forward to seeing you again in September. ~Lisa  

Today’s post was originally run on  9/26/12

Whiny_WednesdayYesterday I accompanied my friend as she underwent a very unpleasant test for a big, scary health issue. My friend is a lot like me: she has no children and her family is many miles away. No one should go through something like this alone, so I volunteered to be, what she good-naturedly called, her “Biopsy Buddy.”

I’m sure the medical center staff has been highly trained in putting nervous patients at ease, and the nurse who prepped my friend for her procedure did a good job of making safe small-talk. Unfortunately, she latched onto the topic of Halloween, her big plans to go to Disneyland for the evening, and the problems of trying to find a Halloween costume to fit a 7-year-old with extra-long legs. If she was looking to get a conversation started to ease the tension, she picked the wrong, darn subject.

I don’t blame her for going with what she assumed to be a safe bet. I just wish the topic of children wasn’t always the go-to conversation starter.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What do you wish was different today?

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Children, Health, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes, Whiny Wednesdays Tagged With: biopsy, childfree, childless, children, fb, nervous, nurse, whiny wednesday

Locked Out of the Mommy Clubhouse

August 26, 2013

During August, as I enjoy some travel time, I’m sharing some of my favorite and your favorite posts from the past year. I’ll look forward to seeing you again in September. ~Lisa 

Today’s post was originally run on 7/5/12

 

lockBy Maybe Lady Liz

Last week, I texted one of my girlfriends, trying to throw together a last minute Sunday night dinner with her and her husband. When she responded that they already had dinner plans with two of our other friends, but that we were “welcome to tag along”, I was a little taken aback. I couldn’t imagine why we hadn’t been included in the first place, until later that night when I saw some inside joke exchanges on Facebook about chromosomes. My girlfriend was newly pregnant, and I realized she’d reached out to the other pregnant woman in our group, because she wanted to spend time with someone who was going through the same experience.

It was my first glimpse of being locked out of the Mommy Clubhouse. Up until now, it had always been the other way around. My group was still very active, going out every weekend, and the first person to get pregnant in our group had been the one left at home. Now that more and more of them are starting to have babies, I’m realizing that my husband and I may be the ones left home alone while everyone else attends each other’s kids’ birthday parties, mommy yoga classes or family-friendly barbeques.

Parents seem to have this glamorized picture of the Childfree as partying every weekend night till the wee hours of the morning and then sleeping off our hangovers all day long on Sunday. Admittedly, part of the reason they have this image is because it’s the one being loudly and proudly portrayed on the Childfree blogs and forums. But that’s not really what I’m after. All I want is to be able to spend time with my friends. If that means tame dinners in, or board game nights in lieu of clubbing, I’m all for it. It just hadn’t occurred to me until last week that we might be excluded because they think we don’t want to give up the bar scene. Or worse, that we no longer fit in.

I don’t begrudge my friends the lack of an invite to their dinner. They’re sharing a life-altering experience together and some bonding is bound to take place that we can’t really participate in. And of course, it’s only natural that certain members of a group have smaller gatherings from time to time – everyone can’t be invited to everything. What scared me was not knowing if this was a one-off, or just the tip of the lonely weekend iceberg.

Maybe Lady Liz is blogging her way through the decision of whether to create her own Cheerio-encrusted ankle-biters, or remain Childfree. You can follow her through the ups and downs at http://www.MaybeBabyMaybeNot.com.

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Children, Guest Bloggers, Maybe Baby, Maybe Not, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes Tagged With: childfree, childless, club, excluded, fb, friends, mommy, pregnant

It Got Me Thinking…About Beloved Teachers

May 3, 2013

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Tuesday, May 7, is National Teacher’s Day in the United States. Ever since the tragic shooting at the Sandy Hook Elementary School last December 12, I have been thinking a lot about teachers and all that they give to their students, from a listening ear to loving discipline to school supplies purchased with their own meager earnings. Virginia Leigh Soto was one of the teachers who gave her life at Sandy Hook. She was shot as she used her body as a shield to try to protect several of her first grade students. (Here’s a lovely article from CNN that recognizes all of the heroes on that sad day.)

In one of the many news stories that followed the shooting, I heard someone describe one of the teachers as childfree but “she treated all of her students as if they were her own children.” They might have been describing Ms. Soto. She was only 27 at the time of her death, so perhaps she would have had children of her own one day, but I would argue that her love for her students was independent of any parenting experience. That’s my experience of most teachers, and it is evidence that flies in the face of the old “you wouldn’t understand unless you’re a parent” accusation we all have heard.

As I thought back to the beloved teachers of my youth, I wasn’t surprised to realize that almost all of them were parents or would go on to become parents. Except for one: Mr. K. Both he and his wife were teachers; he taught English Composition to high schoolers and she taught elementary students in the inner city. Perhaps they couldn’t have children of their own. Perhaps they looked at their combined incomes and decided raising children wasn’t in their budget. Perhaps they both loved their work so much that they wanted to dedicate all their creative energy to raising good students. I’ll never know the answer, but I do know that they were both were respected and adored by their students.

Mr. K was the first teacher who truly saw me and my potential. “You’re a good writer,” he said to me on that fateful day, “but you have some work to do.” Previous English teachers had strongly discouraged me, to the point that I had given up and was just hoping to pass the required courses. With Mr. K’s encouragement and guidance, I worked my tail off to learn and improve. I am a professional, published writer today because of the seeds he planted and nourished.

Fortunately I had an opportunity to thank Mr. K before he passed away 20-some years ago, and I like to think his spirit has celebrated my successes. Next Tuesday I’ll be looking around at the other teachers in my circle—both parents and cheros (heroes who happen to be childfree)—and thinking about how I might acknowledge them. “Thank you for your sacrifices. Thank you for your passion. Thank you for loving the students in your care as though they were your own children.”

I invite you to join me in this little campaign of thankfulness for the teachers of the world. And, if you are a teacher yourself, I have a message for you: I appreciate you and all that you do.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

 

Filed Under: Cheroes, Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Guest Bloggers, It Got Me Thinking... Tagged With: fb, Sandy Hook shooting, teachers, thanking teachers, what teachers give every day, world thankfulness for teachers

Whiny Wednesday: Equality

March 27, 2013

Whiny_WednesdayI don’t usually get political on this blog, but the recent Marriage Equality discussions have been pushing my buttons. I am strongly pro-gay marriage and am often dumbfounded by the arguments cited by opponents.

 

One morning last week, I heard someone on the radio saying (and I’m paraphrasing) that the constitution supported equality for like situations, and gay marriage and heterosexual marriage could never be equal because of the inability for gay couples to reproduce.

 

This pushes two of my buttons:

 

1)   As part of a straight couple who cannot reproduce, I take extreme exception to this suggestion that a marriage is only acceptable when it produces children.

2)   I know several gay couples who have reproduced via sperm donor, surrogate, or adoption. Is this person then suggesting that any marriage—gay or straight—that doesn’t produce children “naturally” falls into the category of unacceptable? Surely not.

 

It’s Whiny Wednesday. I’m on fire this week. What’s pushing your buttons?

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Current Affairs, Infertility and Loss, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes, Whiny Wednesdays Tagged With: childfree, childless, gay rights, Infertility, marriage

The Universal Assumption of Eventual Parenthood

February 21, 2013

Maybe BabyBy Maybe Lady Liz

At the tail end of a pretty stressful week at work, I picked up a call that I really should have let go to voicemail. It was a colleague – let’s call her Chelsea – at another university, wondering if I might be available to act as a panel speaker for a last-minute student event she was throwing that Saturday. Luckily, it coincided with my volunteer work at an animal shelter and I didn’t have to scramble for some bogus excuse. Chelsea then asked if my newly-married co-worker Evelyn might be available. I said I wasn’t sure of her weekend schedule on such short notice, and that’s when she dropped this little gem into the conversation about my boss:

“I’d really love to have Nancy there, but I know she’s got a toddler at home and I feel bad asking someone with kids to give up part of their weekend for work, so I thought I’d at least try you and Evelyn.”

What?

Did that really just happen? Stunned, I gave a polite laugh and said I understood as she went on to complain about missing her own daughter’s soccer game for the event. But you know what? I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all how not having children of your own somehow makes your free time less valuable, open to being taken advantage of.

I don’t think Chelsea said what she said because she’s insensitive to those without children. The truth, I think, is a little more unsettling: that Chelsea saw me and Evelyn as those who didn’t have kids YET. Who would someday join the ranks of the protected, but needed to pay our dues now while we’re childless. Perhaps an okay system for those who DO go on to have kids and later reap the benefits, but what about those who choose not to? Or worse, those who desperately want to, but can’t?

The universal assumption that everyone will go on to become a parent can be a dangerous one for those of us who won’t, for whatever reason. It can mean, at times, that we’re paying into a system that’s distributing unequal rewards. And some of that is just life: unfair by nature, and often unchangeable. But it doesn’t do us much good to just come home and complain to our spouses or cats (or glass of wine) about it. I’m sure we’ve all done enough of that. Which is just one of the many reasons I’m glad there are sites like Life Without Baby that allow us to share our stories and connect with one another. The further along we can get in the conversation, the more likely we are to take it from the digital world out into the real world – with our friends, our family, our co-workers – and hopefully, someday, springboard towards real change in understanding that everyone’s life has equal value, regardless of how many tax dependents you claim. [Speaking of, does anyone know if the aforementioned cats count as dependents in the eyes of the IRS?]

Maybe Lady Liz is blogging her way through the decision of whether to create her own Cheerio-encrusted ankle-biters, or remain Childfree. You can follow her through the ups and downs at MaybeBabyMaybeNot.com.

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childless Not By Choice, Family and Friends, Guest Bloggers, Maybe Baby, Maybe Not Tagged With: Childfree life, childfree-not-by-choice, fb, insensitvie, valuing time

That One Weird Childfree Holiday Card in the Stack

December 20, 2012

 By Maybe Lady Liz

They’re starting to roll in. The waves of holiday cards featuring happy families festooned in matching red turtlenecks ‘round the tree or Canadian tuxedos on the beach. There will be some derivation of a toddler with his arms slung around Dad’s neck. Or Mom watching the kids play on a blanket. Or an Ann Geddes-esque shot of a newborn falling asleep on a reindeer’s back, adorned with nothing more than a tiny Santa hat. If you’re lucky, and your friends and family are deft enough with Snapfish, you’ll get ALL THREE in an artistically staggered arrangement.

And if you’re like me, you won’t be able to stop yourself from comparing them to the cards you’ve sent out over the past few years. Maybe you’ve squeezed your cats into little elf outfits and reindeer antlers (and lost an arm in the process). Maybe you’ve posed with your spouse in front of some magnificent European landmark in a subconscious attempt to remind everyone how awesome it is that you have the freedom and cash to travel. Or maybe you’re like me and my husband, who always try to outdo ourselves every year in the clever department. Last year, we put photos of ourselves at age 6, side-by-side, each ripping into hilariously dated gifts, and titled it “Keep Christmas old-school.”

And in years past, when our friends would send just a ho-hum photo with a generic greeting, we were pretty proud of the fact that our card stood out from the pack and had a little personality. We used to tack it up on the half-wall in our kitchen with all the others and pat ourselves on the back. But as the years have gone by, our card has started to stand out for a very different reason. Instead of noticing the unique panache of our card, I’ve started to see what’s missing: a baby, of course. Kids on Santa’s lap, all that jazz.

I try not to let it happen, but I can’t help but look at my cards in a different light – through the eyes of those who are sending out the baby cards. All our attempts at being so clever probably seem silly, frivolous, immature, shallow, self-centered (words that sound familiar to anyone who actually chooses to be Childfree). They must seem like a stage that was supposed to be passed by now, but isn’t. No doubt they somehow seem…less than they’re supposed to be, to them.

I know, I know – it’s probably all in my head and these aren’t very Christmas-y thoughts. But fear not. I’ll keep the funny Childfree holiday cards rolling. Somebody’s gotta Keep Christmas Weird.

Merry%20Christmas%20from%20The%20Ferences

Maybe Lady Liz is blogging her way through the decision of whether to create her own Cheerio-encrusted ankle-biters, or remain Childfree. You can follow her through the ups and downs at MaybeBabyMaybeNot.com.

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Children, Current Affairs, Family and Friends, Guest Bloggers, Maybe Baby, Maybe Not, The Childfree Life: Issues and Attitudes Tagged With: childfree, Childfree by Choice, childfree Christmas, childfree Christmas cards, Childfree life, Christmas, fb, funny Christmas cards, Maybe Lady Liz

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