Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

The Mommy Snub: It’s Not About You

I’ve been dating. Friend dating that is. As you can imagine, it’s been a challenge.

Last year, Mr. Fab and I moved to a new city at the opposite end of the state. As part of the move, I prepared myself for “friend dating” getting myself out into social situations where I could meet new people and hopefully make good friends.

Friend dating is hard enough, but I think it’s doubly so, when children won’t be common ground on which you can build a friendship. Irrespective of this handicap, I’ve been making an effort to meet new people. I joined a gym and have been challenging myself to strike up a conversation with someone new every time I go.

Last week, while I was waiting for my class to start, I smiled at a friendly-looking woman and initiated a conversation. It was general ice-breaking chit-chat, a comment about how the class seemed lighter today and that the traffic had been heavier on my drive over because the Junior College was back in session.

“Oh right,” she said. “I wondered about that. I drop off my daughter at the school and then drive my little one to pre-school and it took me ages this morning.”

Before I ping-pong a comment back or ask her a getting-to-know-you question, another woman stepped into the conversation and said, “Oh, you have a preschooler? I have a preschooler, where does yours go?”

And then she quite literally stepped into the conversation. She all but put her body between me and my potential new friend, as if I wasn’t even there.

In the past, I would have been devastated. You know the feeling when your heart sinks, your stomach sinks lower, and your entire body follows along. I would have felt dejected, rejected, ashamed, and worthless. I would have slinked away to my little childless corner and stayed there feeling worthless.

But I didn’t. I laughed. Out loud.

Because it finally dawned on me, it’s not about me, it’s not about my childlessness. It’s not even about moms elbowing us out of their important conversations.

It’s about one self-centered and pretty bad mannered individual on a mission to find her tribe, to fulfill her wants and needs, in this case to find a sympathetic ear to listen to her woes about moving her kid to a new school in the fall. She definitely wasn’t going to find that in me.

And the truth is, I was doing a similar thing. I was putting out feelers, looking for common ground, trying to fill my own needs and find my tribe. And these women, the second one especially, weren’t going to fulfill those needs.

The whole ludicrous situation made me realize just how far I’ve come. This year will mark nine years since I got off the baby crazy train. It’s a long time, but I’m happy to report that the Mom Snub bounced off me in a way I never could have imagined nine years ago.

Still, this puts me back in the friend dating game again.  But it helped me realize that moms aren’t the enemy, it’s just that I need to find woman—childless or otherwise—for whom motherhood isn’t the sole focus of their existence at this time in their lives.

Maybe in 15 years or so, once she’s packed her kid off to college, her priorities will change. Maybe then we can become friends then.

If I’m not too busy with all my other new friends.

Whiny Wednesday: Feeling Imperfect


This week’s topic is another tender subject:

The constant struggle of feeling my life is imperfect because of not having children.


How do you feel about this? Has that feeling changed with the passing of time?

As always, the floor is open for any other whines and rants you need to get off your chest.

Whiny Wednesday: Spouses Who Aren’t Dealing With Loss


Happy Whiny Wednesday! I hope you’re doing okay today. If not, this is the place to get it off your chest.

This week we turn to spotlight on the men in our lives and discuss the topic of:

Spouses or partners who aren’t dealing or healing

If you have one of these, we’d like to hear to about it.

Nudging Yourself to Find Joy Again: Kathleen Guthrie Woods

One of the biggest challenges I encountered on the road to making peace with my childlessness was how to find joy in my life again. For a long time, everything seemed meaningless if children weren’t part of my equation. I didn’t want to have fun; I didn’t want to pick up childhood interests; I didn’t want to face the seemingly epic task of building a life I hadn’t planned on leading. Where to even start?

Last year, my dear friend and fellow Life Without Baby editor, Kathleen Guthrie Woods, launched a new project called 52 Nudges. Each week, Kathleen “nudges” herself to try something outside her current norm. Some weeks, she’s nudged herself to rekindle an old love, such as going for a picnic or buying a houseplant. Other weeks she’s pushed herself out of her rut by trying something new—wearing red lipstick, learning a phrase in Italian, signing up for a pilates class. Each week, Kathleen posts her nudge for the week, then posts a follow-up of what happened when she did the nudge. What started off as an idea designed to nudge herself out of a rut has turned into an adventure of self-discovery.

When you’re trying to find your feet again and struggling to reshape your life, it can feel overwhelming. Taking tiny steps like these might not seem significant, but sometimes it’s all you can do, and sometimes it’s enough to force a bigger step to change.

If you’re struggling with what’s next or don’t know how to even begin piecing your life back together, I urge you to watch this interview with Kathleen.

Kathleen started a new season of nudges this week, so now is the perfect to join her. You might be surprised by what you learned about yourself.

You can read more at 52 Nudges.

Whiny Wednesday: Work Pregnancies

It’s Whiny Wednesday, your chance to gripe about the issues you’re dealing with this week. This week’s suggested topic is one we’ve all had to deal with:

 An over-abundance of work pregnancies

 I can relate to this one. When I was trying to conceive, I managed a small department of about eight people. One year we had three simultaneous pregnancies…and none of them was mine.

Whine away!

Creating an Ending After Infertility


Recently, a reader commented that she’d had an idea to write a letter to the child she never had, and she asked if I thought it was crazy.

Here’s what I told her (edited slightly to maintain her anonymity):

“Writing a letter isn’t crazy at all. One of the things that makes infertility grief so unique is that there is seldom a finite end to the journey. There’s almost always some option still open and the loss is more of a gradual moving away from the dream, rather than a sudden end. It makes it really hard to acknowledge the end and grieve that loss.

Doing something tangible, such as writing a letter, creates a kind of marker that says, “this is the end.” And the other ladies [in the program] are absolutely right about not being silent. If you need to find a time to be alone, close the door to your room, and just let it all out, do it. It’s exhausting, but it’s amazing how much grief you can purge with a good cry.”

I told her I would write a post on this topic so that you could share your experiences with creating an ending to something that has none. So here it is.

In order to start moving on with your healing process, did you need to create an ending with something symbolic and meaningful to you? Please share any “crazy” ideas that helped you find a stopping place and begin coming to terms with your life without children.

Talking About the Grief of Childlessness

By Lisa Manterfield

I’ve been writing and talking a lot about grief—here on the blog, in my fiction, in my personal life, in the novels I’m reading, and in the Life Without Baby book. Even when I got chatting to a stranger on a plane, the conversation turned to the topic of grief.

Over paper cups of tea, this woman—who had lost her brother to suicide—and I talked about how grief stays with us long after we’re “over it”, how the shape of grief changes with time, how it can change us, and how everyone carries around their own personal grief.

My only regret in the discussion is that it didn’t begin sooner on our journey, because I would have liked to hear more about what she had to say on the subject. But eventually we parted ways, she to her office and I to catch another flight, and I didn’t have the opportunity to ask her more about her grief.

So, I’d like to ask you instead.

  • How has your grief changed over time?
  • How has your loss changed you?
  • In what ways has your grief crept out, even when you’ve tried to keep it under wraps?

As a society, I don’t believe the topic of grief gets enough attention. We’re uncomfortable with grieving people, no matter what type of loss they’ve suffered, but it’s especially true when the loss isn’t understood.

So let’s start the conversation now. Let’s talk about this grief. I’d love to hear what you have to say.

Whiny Wednesday: The Baby Shower and Gender Reveal


This week’s Whiny Wednesday topic is that old chestnut:

The baby shower!

A reader wrote:

I would like to know how others handle baby showers. I have vowed to not go to any more baby showers after leaving the last one in tears and disappointed in myself because I felt so strong before I went. Do others have emotional issues about other people’s baby showers or am I alone?

After assuring her that she definitely was not alone in feeling this way, I thought I’d turn the topic over to you. And I’m adding to it the newest horror, the gender reveal party.

Please whine, rant, empathize, and even advise on this most delicate of topics.

Whiny Wednesday: Caring for Aging Parents

I’ve seen this topic come up a lot in the blog comments, so I know that many of you have experienced this. It’s the topic of caring for aging parents, and whether the responsibility is shared fairly when you don’t have children.

What’s been your experience with this?

What Challenges Are You Facing Today?

It seems that every day brings a new set of challenges. Some of you might be dealing with graduation season now, which was always a tough time for me in the past. It was hard to watch friends celebrate their grown children and usher them safely from the nest. It was one more thing on the long list of “I’ll nevers.”

Next come summer vacations, when kids are suddenly everywhere, and before you know it, we’ll be staring at Halloween and the beginning of the holiday season. I’m not sure there’s any time of year that isn’t challenging in some way.

What are some of the challenges you’re dealing with right now?

Have you recently made the decision to stop treatment and are trying to figure out how to let go of your plans for motherhood?

Are you stuck in a cycle of grief that you can’t seem to break out of?

Are you slowly accepting that your life won’t include children and you’re wondering what to do now?

Please leave me a comment below and I’ll try to cover these issues in the coming weeks and months.