As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods
I was so excited to see a new story pop up in my inbox. I love getting to know our members, and I’m always encouraged when I can see a bit of myself in their stories.
Once I started reading, though, my excitement turned to heartache and compassion. Diana, 39, has had a long and difficult journey, and today she’s still in a very dark place. I’m not going to sugarcoat this: Her responses to our questions are real and raw, and I appreciate her being so candid.
It’s possible she hasn’t been able to talk with anyone who truly understands what she’s going through or can offer real support, and that’s where we come in. The members of Life Without Baby have sympathy in spades. We’ve either been there or we are there, we know how it feels, and we are pretty good about knowing what to say and what not to say.
After you read Diana’s story, I hope you’ll take a moment to reach out to her in the Comments, perhaps to share how you’ve found some light in the darkness.
If you’re in a similar situation, please reach out for help. You can start by connecting with other LWB members in the Community Forums.
LWB: Please describe your dream of motherhood.
Diana: I have always dreamed of becoming a mother. Always. I constantly feel that something is missing and nothing can make up for it.
LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?
Diana: I am childfree because my husband is sterile. We found out two years after we were married.
LWB: Where are you on your journey now?
Diana: After 13 years, I’m still depressed. I have anxiety attacks, and I am nowhere near accepting the fact that I don’t have a child.
LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?
Diana: My motherly instinct is stronger than ever, and I feel like there is a constant emptiness in my heart.
LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?
Diana: Absolutely nothing.
LWB: What’s one thing you want other people to know about your being childfree?
Diana: Quit telling me to enjoy my life and travel and do things for myself. You don’t understand the emptiness. Materialistic things do not take the void away.
LWB: What do you look forward to now?
Diana: Nothing. I have good days and bad days. I just go through the motions.
If you’ve been feeling that you’re all alone on this journey, I encourage you to read other members’ stories here. There is a lot of wisdom and support in the stories themselves and in the comments. Then, when you’re ready, I hope you’ll share your story with us. Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
Diana, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I understand the pain and the heartache that you feel. I am 42 going on 43. My lifelong dream was to become a mother and we tried everything. Nothing worked for us. It still hurts and I frequently feel like I’m living a life I don’t recognize (if that makes sense) and one that I never planned. I understand some of the panic and anxiety that you feel. It has helped some to find others who are walking the same path. I hope that you are able at some point to connect with other women are in the same place. Prayers for you today….
It always hurts doesn’t it when you really really want something and it doesn’t work out the way you planned and there’s always the triggers around to get you as well like pregnancy announcements which feel like a personal attack when you wanted that so badly and lost out on it and that’s what causes the angry envious feeling inside when others get what you wanted but sadly lost out on and it hurts.
Diana,
I am sorry for the constant ache you feel in your heart. Unfortunately I understand and share the raw hurt also. My husband had a vasectomy before I met him, and since had a reversal without success. We have spent 11 years on and off doing artificial insemination and IVF without success. It is a very difficult circumstance to accept, and I do not know exactly how to do it. I want to encourage you to read, maybe share, in this blog and find other support groups. For me, there are no local groups…but I do turn to online groups and it does not take the pain away, but it helps having people who understand there to listen or read their stories. You always have friends here.
Hi Michelle, do you mind me asking what other online groups are there?
This one is my favourite.
Diana, I hope you come join us on the community here, the discussions we have are a good way to chat to others who understand how terribly raw and painful we feel. I have found it very helpful. I hope you will join us.
Hi Diana, I want to echo the above sentiments. My husband and I have tried it all over the course of many years with no success. While I have more good days now than bad, I just this morning learned of a childhood friend who recently married and had publicly stated that they didn’t want kids, announcing their pregnancy. I am of course happy for them, but I ended up much to my surprise in the bathroom bawling my eyes out. With acceptance of our future has also come a search for meaning in other places, which I am actively working on and does offer comfort. There are many resources out there and know you are not alone. xoxo
You can be happy for them but sad for yourself and it always hurts when you see others getting and experiencing what you feel you should have had but sadly lost out on.
Diana, first off I am so sorry for what you are feeling. I understand the emotions you are feeling – every one of them, as I am sure all of us on the board can. I still question everyday why I cannot have children, but I have had to reach some state of acceptance to move on. Every day is a learning experience. I hope you can find some peace soon. I am slowly finding ways to cope and make the best of things. Thank you for sharing…stay strong!!!
I know you feel when you hear someone else is pregnant you think why them and not me as the whole thing is unfair and out of anyone’s control.
dear Diana,
thank you for sharing your story.
Stay strong. I am wishing you all the best.
warm hugs from Europe.
Hi Diana
I am sorry to hear that you have lost out on the chance to have a baby and it hurts because you wanted that so badly and it never happened. What I have found helps is to let the tears and anger out as needed and I found therapy very helpful and what I do now is do my best to get on with life and not let it get to me which is very hard when what you have lost out on is shoved in your face at every turn.
I’m really sorry to hear about your pain. I am childfree by circumstance so my experience is different than yours. I would say that therapy can help. Also, one must move on beyond the pain and embrace the life you are living. It’s important to see that you can still have happy life without kids. It’s not just about materialistic things like traveling, etc. Our society places motherhood as the most important role of a woman so for those of us who aren’t mothers, we may have a feeling of loss, of not knowing our place in society. Think of all the love you have, from a partner, a pet, your friends, your extended family. Yes, we’re not mothers, but we still provide care, love, and mothering to those important folks in our lives. Think of all you can give back to society whether it’s helping a child in need, mentoring, tutoring, etc. Think of all you can do as a woman/human. Do you excel at your career, are you creative, are you a runner, etc.? Our worth as women is not solely based on the ability to birth a child. And embrace that you are alive and strong enough to survive in a society that doesn’t understand that not all women choose or can have children.
Well written Kat and I agree 100% with what you wrote. Diana, I am so sorry about the struggles you are going through. I have experienced many of the emotions you have described. For me getting older has helped and I’ve lowered my expectations greatly for other people. I just don’t expect those who have children/grandchildren to really understand or care that much about how I feel when they almost constantly talk about their kids. When I listen closely however, I learn that all is not always that perfect for them either as raising children is very challenging and many grandparents have had their freedom curtailed by frequently caring for their grandchildren. Many days now I just find all of the dynamics very interesting….
That’s right I find myself a lot of the time the grandparents are relied upon for things like childcare when the parents are out at work and more or less do a second round of parenting rather than having loads of free time and having grandkids over now and again to spoil them but it does hurt when its shoved in your face what you have lost out on.
Lovely post Kat! On most days nowadays, I can say that I have embraced my childfree status. I try to see the pluses, like the freedom to do what I want when I want, the fact that I don’t have to worry and feel responsible for another being s life, buying what I want, etc. I don’t even worry about old age anymore! So many things can happen before I grow old… Might be diagnosed with a cancer next week for all I know! Someday I even feel guilty about being ok about my childlessness. But then there those days when it comes back, like last Sunday after playing and bonding with my friends 3 year old daughter, today when I learnt on Facebook that a childfree couple we know just had a baby, or when playing with my fury child. It doesn’t come as heartache, it doesn’t come in tears just the sad realisation that I could have probably been a great mother. And on such days my life feels so wasted!
Diana, I am so so sorry you are feeling this way. And I agree that materialistic things don’t fill the void. But finding things that bring you happiness, even little bits of happiness at a time, can help you discover a new life where that dream and its loss is no longer a constant reminder, and where the pain is no longer a constant companion. Allowing yourself to find happiness any other way is not a betrayal to the loss that you’ve felt and are so obviously still feeling, even though at first it often feels that way. You’ve lost so much – there are ways to get through this so that you don’t continue to lose a future that could be wonderful.
Feel free to email me (either on this site in the member’s section, or via my blog) if you want to talk to someone who couldn’t have children either. I hate the thought that you are in so much pain after so long.
I have found myself that its the 30s that are the worst decade so far for this as I started feeling like crap and a failure because I wasn’t married or had a kid when I turned 30 and of course it felt like everyone else was getting a delicious slice of the cake and I wasn’t and I had denied those feelings for many years and then about 4 years ago quite a few family members younger than myself got married and that really really hurt and I never went to their wedding parties because I wasn’t up to it and got called selfish for not going there as I supposedly would have enjoyed them if I had gone but what’s the point in going to something if it upsets you? Then a couple of weeks later another friend of mine had started dating someone who they later married and that had caused me upset as well so its not just you who feels that way. I am now 38 and have been to therapy which was really helpful as you can say what you want to them and no one criticises you like you aren’t guaranteed with a good friend as I found it was family members who criticised me the most claiming I should be happy for these people and be thankful for what I do have. Of course I am thankful but that’s not the point. I only wanted the same things as they got but never got them and when you see others getting what you lost out on it hurts and you feel physical pain in your chest when it hurts but I’m sorry you still feel this way after such a long time but give therapy a try as they are helpful and reassure you you’re not the only one feeling this way but it took me a long time to get to the place where I decided to get on with my life and not let it get to me and of course there’s always those damned triggers ready to get you so be prepared for those to hit. Good luck to you.
Joanne, I agree with you — the 30s is hard, because people all around you are (still) having babies and it feels like time is rapidly running out. But time is also a great healer — and I found that once I got into my mid-40s, the pressures lifted — aging out of your fertile years can actually be a good thing. It hurts to know your time is up and you’re never going to have a child, but at the same time, it can be a freeing thing to know with certainty that this phase of your life is over and that you can now figure out what else you might want to do with your life. The questions about when we were having kids, the “it’s not too late!”s gradually stopped, and that was such a relief. By my 40s, most of my friends had long since had their babies & many of them were dealing with teenagers & young adults and the challenges that go with them, which was also a good reality check. Now I’m in my early 50s and I’m dealing with my friends & cousins becoming GRANDPARENTS :p which is not particularly fun… but I’ve found other things to do and enjoy in my life now, and I feel like I am much better able to roll with the punches at this point.
Diana, I am sorry that you are still in such a dark place in your life. I hope you can find some support, either through private counselling or online… there are so many more resources out there now — message boards, Facebook groups, blogs & communities like this one — than when I left fertility treatment 14 (!) years ago. This may not be the life we wanted for ourselves, and nothing is going to fully compensate for the children we wanted — but it’s the life we have, and it can still be a good one., just in a different way than we had imagined. (((hugs)))
In some strange way it comforts me to think that IF I had had a child and that child would not have become a parent, I would probably still think that he or she was a wonderful, valuable and important person.
All I would care about would be that he or she was happy and felt valuable, loved and important. So that’s how I try to make myself feel. Especially when sadness hits. That’s when I need to treat myself as good as I possibly can, even if that’s when I judge myself the hardest.
Loribeth and Lin, I so agree with your posts. I used to wonder how I was going to survive the personal sadness of not having kids. But as Loribeth writes ” time is a great healer”
At 63 yo I’m surviving and on some days actually thriving. I have a relative by marriage who moved into the neighborhood I live in and now lives two houses from me. I like her a lot but she is constantly talking about and texting pictures of hew new grandson. Even this hasn’t deterred my fighting spirit to enjoy my life too even though it doesn’t include grandchildren. Finding activities I love to do, reaching out to help others and taking care of myself have really helped. And yes, the many online resources that were not available during my infertility journey during the 70’s and 80’s are so, so helpful now as they validate that so many of the feelings I experienced were to be expected. Diana, I hope that you find these resources helpful too. I know my experiences aren’t yours but I hope that you continue using the support of this resource and let us know periodically how you are doing. I wish you all the best.
Diana,
Thank you for sharing your story with us, and the genuine quality of your sharing. I understand the feelings you have and experienced them for a long time on and off.There is no magic bullet or elixir that will take away your pain. For me as much as I wanted to be a Mom, and we tried some things not tons of things but the up and down emotional roller coaster was horrible. We tried to adopt privately and we had our son for one week but the birth mom changed her mind and so made had to make the painful decision to give him back to them. After that as much as I wanted to be a Mom, I had to let this dream go because I could keep putting myself through this emotional pain and trauma. It is painful hearing other people receiving this dream. That I wanted so badly, but for me the pain of letting it go, is easier than trying to keep banging my head against a wall to make something g happen that is not going too. I empathize with you greatly and understand first hand your pain and nit sucks. But the online resources , outside help, and using Jody Days books about Rocking the life unexpected, have been tools to move me forward towards a more loving stance towards me and not blaming or berating myself for this not being able to be part of our life. Much love and a warm hug coming your way! As Jody Day says We may not be Mothers, but we care and we count!
She’s very good isn’t she Jody Day and I liked her post about life isn’t fair as I found it very helpful.
Diana – I thought about your story all weekend. I will not write anything to tell you what to do or convince you that you will get better. Just to say that I am here if you want to talk privately through the community. I have found several people here who have helped me a lot, just by listening. I think the greatest thing I did was to start talking. We are here for you. Until then, please know from all these comments that you are in our thoughts and that we care that you are hurting.
Diana,
Thank you for showing up and being where you are–in all the vulnerable and painful rawness of your experience. Infertility and childlessness are both so very hurtful. My heart aches with you and grieves with you in your loss–the loss of your dreams, your desires, your future hopes. There is so much unseen loss on this journey. My husband and I suffer from unexplained infertility and I have known my own depths of darkness, depression and emptiness. There are no magic words to make the pain go away. I hope that somehow knowing that you are held in the company of others who have walked a similar road can offer you a glimpse of light in this dark, dark valley.
with love,
Stephanie