As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods
Kara, 34, was one of those little girls who mothered her baby dolls and younger siblings. “I always knew I was going to be a mom with a lot of kids,” she says, but circumstances led her down a different path. These days she experiences the all-too-familiar cocktail of grief, guilt, and anger, with hints of acceptance, as she and her husband pursue their Plan B. Here’s what she has to share about her journey.
LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?
Kara: Childfree by circumstance. After trying for 10 months, my OB/GYN thought it was because my cycle wasn’t regular. After we “fixed” me and I still wasn’t pregnant, my husband was tested. His sperm count came back zero and he was diagnosed with no vas deferens [a congenital condition in which the tubes that carry sperm fail to fully develop].
After doing our own research, we talked our primary care doctor into having my husband tested for Cystic Fibrosis (CF). He was diagnosed with CF, but in what is called a “mild” case. Mild cases are where the mucus builds up somewhere other than the lungs, usually either the sinuses (my husband’s case) or digestive tract. Because of his having CF, I had to be tested before a fertility clinic would see us. I don’t have CF, but I have 5T Polymorphism. For me that means nothing, that is just how my DNA is “strung” together. But 5T doesn’t “play” well with CF, and we would have a 50% chance of having a child with a classic CF case (in the lungs). That was something we didn’t want to do to a child just to be parents. We stopped the journey after only four years, and we already knew adoption wasn’t a calling we felt was for us.
LWB: Where are you on your journey now?
Kara: I still go through the stages of grief, usually skipping denial and spending more time than I should in the angry stage. We’ve moved on to Plan B, but sometimes I feel guilty being there.
LWB: What was the turning point for you?
Kara: After meeting with the fertility doctor and seeing how all they wanted was my money and not caring how the process was difficult for my husband, we just stopped cold. They didn’t care that my husband was the one with the issues. We could get donor sperm and that would make a baby. I didn’t want any baby, I wanted my husband’s baby. After much prayer and talking, we decided it was healthier to stop.
LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?
Kara: Seeing others mistreat their children. Or parents complaining about their kids for selfish reasons.
LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?
Kara: Being able to do Plan B: travel around the world. Sometimes, when I’m in the angry grief stage and a mom complains to me about my travels, the best part is saying, “You got to multiply and replenish the earth…I get to travel the earth.” (Sometimes being the big B word is mentally healthy for me.)
LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”
Kara: It usually starts with a quick no. How sarcastic my answer is depends on who is asking and what stage of grief I am in that day.
LWB: How has LWB helped you on your journey?
Kara: It gives me a place to read about and to vent to others who know how it feels to go through life without children.
If you’ve been feeling that you’re all alone on this journey, I encourage you to read other members’ stories here. There is a lot of wisdom and support in the stories themselves and in the comments. Then, when you’re ready, I hope you’ll share your story with us. Like Kara, you’ll find a safe place to “vent to others who know how it feels to go through life without children.” Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
Hi Kara,
I love your travel retort and will have to remember that one. I’m sorry that you had a horrible experience at the fertility clinic. I think that’s the norm for most, but if they end up with a baby, all is forgiven and forgotten. We started with one that came highly recommended by a friend (because baby) but our experience was awful. IUI was first and 3 days after the procedure, the doctor called me as a follow-up and then said, “oh, well that’s not going to work” which was devastating and shook my trust because nothing had changed about my or my husband’s medical issues in those 3 days, so why was it even recommended, let alone administered?
I was really glad we’d spent several thousand dollars and hours in the car to do that. And yet we continued on to IVF because we were told our chances were really high. Despite my instincts and misgivings, we forged ahead, because if you want a baby that’s what you’re supposed to do. Went through that pain and agony and no success. We stopped going to the clinic and they dropped us like a hot potato. No follow-up calls, nothing. We were a blight on their success statistics. What a racket. If I could do it over, I’d spend that money and time on several trips to Europe or an African Safari because then at least I’d have something to show for it all!
Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing your story Kara. We have exchanged comments in the community and blog of this website and I have appreciated them, but I did not know your whole story. I’m glad you had the courage to express it, many people don’t get the perspective of the couple’s decision when the man has infertility. Although my husband and I stopped trying 10 years ago when I knew I was the one with infertility, we recently learned he has very low testosterone and that probably contributed to it. We have now been talking a lot about that and your story comes at a good time. Hope you are well.
dear Kara,
thank you for sharing your story.
I love love your quote:
“You got to multiply and replenish the earth…I get to travel the earth.”
PS: have you ever been to sLOVEnia 😉
I have not been to Slovenia. I have been to the Czech Republic, Germany, France, England, and Scotland. I’d like to go to Croatia. My mother’s family is from an island just off the coast; Pag I think is the name.
Yes, I know Pag. I haven’t been to Pag yet, but I know many of other Croatian islands.
I have been many times to the islands of Brač, Hvar and Korčula. Just wonderful! Dalmatia is my favourite part of the world.
(and Pag lies in the north of Dalmatia).
More info about Croatia: http://croatia.hr/en-GB/Homepage
PS: when you come to Pag, do visit Ljubljana, our capital. Distance from Pag to Ljubljana: 241 km 🙂
Ljubljana is just beautiful.
I’m sure we will end up there one day. My father’s grandmother was from Budapest. And my father other side was from Poland. So I’d like to see all those countries in that region. Right now we are working on the Caribbean Islands and Central America. 😀 My husband has all 50 USA states. I’ve been to over half of the states. We are slowly working on checking off our list.
I loved that quote as well! 🙂
“You got to multiply and replenish the earth…I get to travel the earth.”
This is awesome. Thank you!
I feel like I’m finally emerging from a few grief-filled years, and the hubby and I have been talking a lot about quitting our jobs and traveling for an underdetermined amount of time. It feels exciting to be looking forward to something like this after feeling like there wasn’t much to look forward to when we stopped trying to have a baby. Thanks so much for sharing your story
Thank you for sharing your story. I find that seeing parents mistreat their children or complain about their children no longer upsets me (well, aside from being concerned for the children), because it just confirms to me that life is random, and these parents were no more deserving of their children than we were of not being able to have them.
I too follow Plan B. I can recommend Slovenia! Travelling the earth is a great joy in our life, and a great privilege. Maybe you’ll add New Zealand to your must visit list too?
I’d love to go to New Zealand and Australia. My husband wants to do Taiwan and Hong Kong. That is a long trip from the eastern US. One day. We have made the trip to Hawaii. So we’ve been on long flights before.
My husband and I each rented a motorcycle and toured New Zealand both the North and South Island with several friends (also child free). We even bungee jumped. New Zealand is one country I would love to return to. This type of travel isn’t for everyone but my husband and I have thoroughly enjoyed our motorcycle trips through several countries and across the United States. I know we would not have been able to do this if we’d had children (too risky in my opinion). However we have ridden many, many safe miles and I’ve had two sisters and a brother-in-law killed in auto accidents. Go figure….
Our plan A was to travel, our plan B was to have children…oops! My husband was diagnosed with non-obstructive Azoospermia. Like you, we saw specialists and they gave us the shortest version of a diagnosis ever – “The 2 of you will never have children together”. I’m so sorry that you had such horrible experiences with reproductive clinics. I can imagine that under those circumstances, it would have been impossible to go on. I’m happy that prayer led you to a final decision. We chose other options that came from having very positive experiences with foreign clinics. In Belgium, they gently explained that our options were to remain childless, adopt, or do IVF with donor sperm. They told us to take all the time we needed, especially my husband who would need to come to terms with being sterile first, and to allow ourselves to grieve the loss of a biological child. We received free counseling. They were wonderful. I also went to Spain and they wouldn’t touch our money, until we were comfortable with their honest approach – no guarantees, no false hope, just the promise that I would receive individual and dignified care, and emotional support. I still get emails from our doctor asking how we are doing, and it’s been a year since that last IVF. Two months ago, I had an IVF in Thailand, and it was surreal. It was all about money. I don’t even think that my doctor learned my name. They didn’t care about us at all. When it didn’t work and their response was – see we told you that if you’d (taken the more expensive package ) chosen to do X, the result would have been better.
We are now living a childless life, one day at a time. We are grateful to have each other, we are lucky that we traveled everywhere we wanted to go, and we can continue to explore new parts of the world. We moved to China six months ago and it’s an adventure! I am 44 now, and I can tell you that travelling in and of itself does get old. I’ve been doing it since I met my husband at 31. But, life offers many many opportunities to live a fulfilled life. I volunteer my time at a school for children with autistim. I am exploring a career change to IVF consulting to ensure that more women and men can experience a positive and dignified approach to treatment no matter what their situation. Good luck on your new journey and always travel the path to your heart.