Be honest. Have you ever turned down an invitation to a social event because you’re afraid someone will ask if you have children?
That’s the topic for this week’s Whiny Wednesday:
Avoiding meeting new people in case they ask, “Do you have kids?”
As always, the comments are wide open for other whines you might have this week.
Yes I have turned down quite a few of those just for that particular reason and also in case they ask if I am married as well and yes those are the main reasons I go out of my way to meet new people if I am going through a bad patch as I think its self preservation when you do that as those questions can be like salt in a wound and really hurt if you haven’t come to terms with the way things are in those departments.
Yes, I have turned down quite some invitations because of this reason.
My husband jokes that I’ve become the Master of White Lies during the 12 years of my infertility.
If you feel an event is going to upset you like a baby shower then don’t go as you have to protect yourself as far as possible from those triggers.
I agree. There is no reason in the world to put yourself in a situation (like a baby shower) that will bring you pain. I realize that most pregnant women want their family and friends at he baby shower to celebrate their new upcoming event, but even so, you must look after yourself and it that means declining an invitation then so be it. Truly, one’s mental health is priceless.
That’s right all you need to do is say sorry you cant go and say you are happy for then but sad for yourself but if someone is ok with those things then its up to them if they want to go or not as those invitations are in no way mandatory or anything.
My whine this week is that now, not only am I being invited to baby showers (as for some reason it’s now acceptable to have a shower for EVERY child you have…hello greediness), but now it’s now a “thing” to throw “Gender Reveal Parties”. REALLY? No, I don’t want to come to your baby shower OR your gender reveal party for your 4TH child!
Its bloody greedy isn’t it and I think these parties are more about a gift grab than a genuine celebration like weddings when they have a list of things to get them which I think is cheeky as I will get a gift that I feel they will like out of the goodness of my heart and ignore those demand lists of things they want!
I don’t go to reunions because I don’t want to explain.
However I went to a book club for the first time last yr my friend invited me, I went knowing they were all moms. I was pretty proud of myself, my friend told me how happy she was I went. I do know she told them a little about me before I showed up.
Its the ones with bad attitude that upset me the most rather than those events per se.
On overseas military bases there are LOTS of pregnancies. There are also expectations placed on spouses of senior leaders to guide other spouses. I had so much guilt over baby showers–to go or not to go. How does my not attending reflect on my husband? And all those ladies, most who are also pregnant, all sharing pregnancy stories, tips, tricks…nightmare! And then the dreaded question, “Do you have any kids?”
I finally just gave myself permission to decline baby shower invitations. I gave myself permission to not feel guilty. I don’t do baby showers! It sounds simple, but it has been liberating to allow myself that freedom. There are so many other ways to guide and mentor younger spouses without sacrificing my sanity.
That’s the best thing to do if an event is going to upset you is not to go.
I have stopped going to many functions not only because I do not want people to ask “how many kids do you have”, but I find that I do not want to be around other people constantly talking about their parenthood experiences. I have even stopped going to comedy shows because the topic of how great it is to be a new parent has popped up every time. I have not found an avenue of socializing that does not include parenthood. I am okay with turning into a hermit.
Yes, parenthood almost always becomes the topic of most conversations at social events. I’ve become pretty good at smiling and tuning out or physically moving away from them if at all possible.
That’s all you can do really is get on with life and not let it get to you and make up excuses to leave if its unbearable as its raw grief that makes you feel that way rather than deliberate malice and no one plans to have ill feelings towards others do they as I did and I can tell you I hated the fact I felt that way but its natural when others have things you want for yourself and its hard to come by for you you feel like its not fair and its easier to direct anger towards those people with what you desire rather than direct it at life for not giving you what you wanted and when you feel that way you don’t want to be around those people but unfortunately they will find you as its always the way with loss how the thing you lost is shoved in your face at every turn!
I know what you mean with you not wanting to be around others talking about their parenthood experiences like its the be all and end all of life as I was the same way not wanting to be around people talking about their future plans or about relationships as its like salt in a wound when they are discussing those things that you wanted but lost out on and when you are sensitive about those things it feels like they are shoved in your face all the time and there’s no escape and you feel those things come and find you for example feeling that pregnant women pop up out of cracks in the pavement to torment you. I had always thought that I was being silly and childish when I avoided events for no other reason just because of this and in a couple of weeks time it is English mothers day and I have a friend in her 20s who is infertile and she is distressed at this being shoved in her face all the time and we are all having a get together on that weekend like a mixed sex friends group day and we were looking to see about going out somewhere on the Sunday in the day but we had decided not to bother as on that day out of the house there is no escape from it so we decided on a movie marathon on the Sunday instead and shut those out as there’s no point in doing things and going to places if all it does is upset you like not going to baby showers if you are feeling upset as there’s no point in making yourself more miserable than needed and no one will come to your house and get you and physically force you to those things as its entirely your choice what you go to or decide not to go and its fine to feel jealous and upset as it hurts when you hear others discussing things that you wanted so badly for you but sadly lost out on so feeling you don’t want to be around them is natural and in no way does it mean you are a horrible person as I used to feel I was turning into a horrible person because I had had ill will towards those kinds of people as well so you’re not the only one feeling this way if that helps.
It is great to have people who truly understand. I have tried very hard to accept that this is my life, and I have come to realize that it does not work. I know that it is up to me to move on and find new hobbies and friends, but honestly I do not have any energy left. I probably have potential for greater things, but I choose to retreat inward and stay home avoiding social events. My cats and dogs (and husband) are the comapi0ns who bring me true joy.
If retreating inwards seems the best thing to do then by all means go ahead and do it as its not fair is it when things you have lost out on are shoved in your face when you go outside and upset you but if you want to change your mind and meet new people again do it when you are good and ready not pushed into it by anyone else. At least in your house those things wont be shoved in your face as at least things on tv you can switch them off.
Yes, I turn down events that I think I will get asked that question. I also find people who talk about their children all the time very boring, not only do I not have anything to contribute, but it’s a total snore fest…. Double whammy.
I actually had a work mate ask me at a conference when I was going to have babies… When I replied “I am not” she just walked off. In away I think I preferred that, then having to explain my infertility/recurrent miscarriages.
Before this thread came up I always thought not going to events just because of this was silly and childish behaviour on my part and its nice this is being discussed openly as its always kept hush hush and we get told useless advice about being thankful which with respect isn’t the point as you can be thankful for things you have and sad for the ones you lost out on and if not going to things feels the right thing to do then don’t go and its entirely your decision whether you go or not and no one can force you if you don’t want to as when I have said no to things I have been challenged about why which I think is rude as you don’t have to give a reason if you don’t want to and they had gone on and on and I had stood firm and had said I said no I wont be going and that’s the end of the matter. Don’t be pushed into doing anything you don’t want to do is my advice.
There must have been fifteen baby showers this last year at work. I went to one and it was the loneliest experience ever. I was the only one who wasn’t pregnant or had kids running around. I put on my smile and tried not to cry the whole time because I was still fresh from the “you can’t have kids” doctor appointment.
I made a choice not to attend any more showers. It is a liberating decision to protect myself.