Some years ago, a young relative asked why I didn’t have children. I gave him an explanation that was honest, while also being appropriate for a young boy.
And then he asked me, “But won’t you be lonely?”
To this I responded that I had Mr. Fab and that I’d be fine. But actually, I think he may have hit a nerve, because even though I value the quiet time I have, sometimes it can feel a little lonely.
It’s Whiny Wednesday, what truths have hit a nerve with you?
We have attended several funerals lately. And all I can see is all the children and grandchildren that are there. And I just want to scream at all the people that think I’m selfish or have it so perfect without kids to disturb me. And all those who aren’t willing to see where I need care.
But then I realized that at my (or my husband’s) funeral there would be the people who really cared about us. Those who were in our life because they loved us and we loved them – not because they felt obligated to fill a family role. And the family in our situation would go beyond blood and suddenly that seemed very beautiful to me. A family by choice.
It’s difficult to think beyond the traditional values we grew up with our that are around us. But that doesn’t make them true.
Well said Jane. I think the family dynamic is changing and we all need to change with it. Life is lonely sometimes but it is up to us to go out and join clubs, seek out activities and people we are interested in.
My sister’s kids use to ask all the time. They want cousins. They are also the only grand kids…on both sides. My brother and I don’t have kids, my sister’s ex’s brothers don’t have kids. One just got married. And he lives in Japan.
I’m lonely a lot. I saw a thing on Facebook that said you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. When I thought back over that week….I didn’t even spend time with five people. It was 4! And 2 of them were my Sunday School kids. The other two were my husband and my friend that I go the the gym with.
Life is lonely.
Thanks Jane – well put. Feel very similar about seeing children, grandchildren etc – so right about the traditional values and how we need to challenge them and perhaps rewrite them to fit our new families formed from friends or just the two of us.
Like the others, I think about being lonely when dying. Most people die with their adult children around them. I realized that I will probably die alone, which is terrifying.
My friend’s grandmother had five grandchildren who were scattered across five states. Both of her children (the parents of the grandchildren) died before her. At the age of 99, the grandmother died very much alone in a skilled nursing facility in the advanced stages of dementia. She rarely had visitors because she did not make an effort to stay connected with family members throughout her life. Having children and grandchildren does not guarantee that a person will be surrounded by family at the end stages of life.
I love the way Jane talks about a “family by choice”. I, too, am cultivating relationships now so that I will be surrounded by loved ones at the end. Best person I started with was my Lord, Jesus. He has been sending people to me who really love me for who I am. People I can be vulnerable with. Together we are forming a new family within the family of Christ.
I can imagine .. an innocent question can hurt so much when we realize .. My 10 year old niece saying “why don’t you just adopt?” .. even though in her head she thought that was a solution .. it wasn’t for me .. little does she know the complexity and heartache of adoption .. for me .. it just translated to “you can’t function right so just adopt and settle.” sigh .. also the “don’t wait too long” comment and sigh so many others
My girlfriend who is single and does not have children and I have talked about the Golden Girls reboot for our generation. We’ve sarcastically nicknamed it the Crone Compound. But I believe it will be more common going forward for a myriad of reasons. Still doesn’t take away the fear that no one is going to care that I was ever here on this planet to begin with.
One thing for certain for me: no major medical testing after age 75. No. I refuse to subject myself to delaying what is the inevitable anyway and if I am going to be leaving, it might be nice to have a couple of people around who still might actually give a damn….(how messed up is that???)
That’s not messed up – its good to think and talk about these things – they shouldn’t be taboo. Deciding not to have testing after 75 is not crazy – may not work for everyone but I get it. I wish I’d drawn a line in the sand when I stepped into the IVF vortex it may have made it easier to get out again – I trapped myself for 20 years (I waited for consultants to tell me to stop – they don’t they just dangle carrots and take your money).
My young niece who is about 6 asked me pretty much every time I saw her for about a year, “Why don’t you have any kids” ” don’t you want any?” I was about to have a serious talk with her parents that they needed to communicate with her somehow to stop asking me. But eventually she stopped asking, for now. At first It didn’t bother me and I would reply with something she could understand but after a while, in the midst of our deepest grief, I just found myself avoiding her and her innocent questions.
When ask by children why I didn’t have any kids? My standard reply was that I was unable to. Of course, I got some confused looks and before the parent could step in (Who knew what I was going to say next? Give the little darlin’ a biology lesson in infertility?) I would add – I can’t stand on my head either! Usually the parent would sigh in relief (that biology lesson in infertility would have to wait for another day) and the kid? Usually they would be more interested in the fact I couldn’t stand on my head! Maybe not the BEST response but as someone who came of age before the openness of infertility I learned very early one to deflect the questions. I, too, needed care . . . emotional care and I never got it from friends nor family (who I might say were the worst and treated me as such). Fortunately, I found on-line forums and groups like this that showed me that I was not alone.
Great response Janna “can’t stand on my head either”! I think that could work for adults too! I too have not had the emotional care from friends and family – this forum keeps me going and reminds me – my feelings are normal and to be expected and the devastation of infertility has impacted my life throughout the trying days and still day to day in the aftermath – I guess it will always be around.
I am learning there will always be questions, will always be awkward moments, once had a nurse in the ER tell us our children probably had beautiful blue eyes…we sadly said we couldnt have children
There will always be wondering who will help us, or who will take care of us & fears of being alone & lonely
The reality of it all is….We will all be OK just as the childless that have gone on before us have been
a roof over my head, three meals a day, Bingo game & crochet thread is all I ask for when I get old…or should I say older
I was reading the Bible and I came across Hebrews, Chapter 13:5. …” I will never leave you not forsake you”…
I believe I will never be alone.
Praying for all of us.
Thank you for your prayers and the scripture quote!
The topic of jury summons came up in a FB group today – leading to a discussion of how to get excused, the primary reason citing “family” responsibilities. Yet another perk of being a parent. What bothers me most is not that they were excused (I think most people, given the choice, would rather not have that responsibility), rather it is irksome that these people think nothing of using their children to get out of civic duty. I believe in teaching my students to be socially responsible citizens – but my colleagues suffer from “do as I say, not as I do” and don’t lead by example.
As, a teacher, I am frustrated with colleagues who give half the effort to attend voluntary activities and refuse to make the effort to learn new reporting orders and curriculum changes, only to expect someone to fill in the blanks at their convenience. I have sat through countless meetings wanting to pull my hair out because of stupid questions. I make the effort, and I by NO means am a workaholic so I see no reason why these people can’t show the slightest interest. When we were on strike one year and had to sign up for 3 hour picketing shifts, one mother actually suggested that the ones with small children get to choose their shifts because they had child care to schedule.
I got out of jury duty telling them I was going to have ivf (I actually never went through with it) No one wanted to go down that rabbit hole! I was excused.