By Lisa Manterfield
Following your response this Whiny Wednesday post, I decided to add my own two cents to the adoption discussion.
When I would tell people I didn’t have children and the topic of infertility came up, they would often ask if I’d considered adoption. Can I tell you how hard it was to keep my sarcasm at bay and to not answer, “Adoption? Really? No, I’d never thought about that. I’m so glad you brought it up.”
But now I’m in a better place I can answer that question easily and in a more friendly and helpful way. I’m doing it today, not for those people who want to make sure I’ve thought of every avenue, but for those of you on this site who might be thinking of adoption and wondering why I didn’t do it.
My answer could be very complex and I could talk about how our adoption options were limited by age and finances, about how much more complicated and heart-wrenching the process was than we’d expected, and about how we didn’t have the emotional strength to risk being matched with a child who could be snatched away again in an instant. But having some distance from that time in my life, I see it more simply now.
We didn’t follow through with adoption because we hadn’t yet dealt with the loss dealt by infertility.
During our adoption training we were warned about the importance of resolving our infertility before diving into this new avenue, but at that time, I didn’t want to hear that. Now I think it was perhaps the most important piece of advice we were given. Adoption isn’t the next logical step on an infertility journey; it’s a step off that road and onto another completely different path. But the infertility journey still needs to be brought to a resolution. You still have to work through that grief.
When we ventured into adoption, we didn’t fully understand this. Perhaps if we’d taken some time to heal first, we might have been better equipped to deal with that wild emotional rollercoaster, but we didn’t, and we weren’t, and that’s the way that story went.
I know that some of you are still weighing your options and making some big decisions. My story is unique to me and my opinion is based solely on my experience, but I hope hearing it helps you.
From what I understand, the majority of US adoptions are now “open” adoption where you allow the birth parent some form of contact. I wouldn’t be able to handle that. Unfortunately, international adoption is much more costly. In addition, I have seen those scary Dateline stories where the court will grant custody back to the birth parents should they later change their mind about giving the child up. Adoption is a huge commitment both financially and emotionally. I do not want to sound as if I’m against it. I think it’s a wonderful thing, but you have to be prepared for a potentially bumpy road.
I am “without baby not by choice, but by age”. I had hope till year and a half ago to have my husband and finally get pregnant. That relationship didn’t work out.
I am now 52 years young and not able financially. Being single/divorce and supporting myself is not easy.
God sent me this wonderful man who has two children and 4 grandchildren. Maybe someday I will be able to love and respect them as my own. It’s worth trying !
I keep on praying for all of us !
Ditto. Thank you for this. I’ve avidly watched fellow infertility veteran friends go through the adoption process with varying experiences and outcomes—and without exception, they have all been difficult, expensive and complicated. After seeing the process true to life, I don’t know if it’s the right choice for us considering the trauma we’ve already experienced through our infertility journey.
There’s also the fact that all this difficulty is precursor to the difficulty of parenting itself. Having a child by any means doesn’t end any problems, it’s only the beginning of a long, exhausting road of hard decisions and responsibilities.
I love what you said about getting over the infertility journey first, and that is true for me as well, but not just emotionally. We spent a lot of time and money during our infertility journey and I feel like I need to “recover” from all that, too.
Before I can even put myself in a position to explore adoption, I need to indulge time back into myself, my marriage, my finances, my life and my identity.
If adoption is in the cards later on, it will be there. There is always that option.
But for now, I’m savoring what’s it’s like to be young(ish), childfree and free to create a fulfilling life that suits me and my husband.
And while this wasn’t our first choice, to our surprise, so far it has been blissful and we are happy with what we have.
Great post, Lisa. I think we’ve all been there, when asked about kids and bravely sharing something about our infertility, a lightening fast response of ‘Oh, you should adopt! I know someone who….’. NOT the response we need when exposing our own vulnerability and still working through the present situation ourselves. Your post has helped me to see why those conversations hurt.
Thank you I needed to read this, it helps me understand our blockage.
Thank you for what you do for being brave and helping us voice this painful journey
This is so true .. I am the same way .. Adoption is such a long, painful and complicated process .. and me adopting a child will only remind of what I couldn’t have naturally/on my own every day .. painful .. i’d rather have all or nothing .. it’s a coincidence someone was mentioning to someone else and he said ” I love kids, and want them, but if i am unable to have them in the future I will adopt” He sounded so naive to me .. like it’s a simple flick of a switch .. i am not considering adoption either .. even though i am well aware of the option.
We, too, didn’t adopt after the long process of infertility. Mostly I think it took us a long time to grieve over the loss of not being able to get pregnant. By the time we had both dealt with all of that adoption just wasn’t an option for us. I think one thing I learned and have told others who are struggling through infertility and the notion of adoption is thrown in (by some good meaning soul) is that it isn’t a ‘if – then’ scenario. ‘If infertile treatments don’t work then we will adopt.’ That’s not how it works – at least not for us and not for many other people we have met that have struggled along this path.
Before I tried adopting, I would say, “Adoption isn’t the same thing as having a biological child”. If they required further explanation, I could get into the money that exchanges hands and how open adoptions are leaning more towards what I call a “divorced-parent” scenario where there is always a first parent (usually mother) who is involved for the rest of that kids life. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but someone has to be prepared to know that the adoptive parents will never be the biological or first parents.
After I tried adopting, I would answer, “We tried that and it didn’t work. The birth mother took our money and a couple of weeks before the baby was born, took of to Mexico”. Sometimes that will stump them, but most people then say, “Well, have you tried adopting from foster care? There are so many kids who need homes and nobody wants them.” Then, I would reply and say, “We tried that and it failed as well. Did you realize that for the younger kids or any healthy kids in the foster care system there are hundreds of families competing for those kids? Most kids aren’t available as the goal of foster care is to reunite the kids with their (most often) messed up biological families. So, we tried to adopt a special needs teenager from foster care who had a lot of emotional and behavioral issues. That adoption (through no fault of our own) failed after we were matched and right when we were going to pick her up.” You think that would shut people up, but NO! The next reply they give me is, “Have you thought about surrogacy?” To which I sigh, shake my head, and say, “There’s nothing wrong with my uterus, so there’s no need”, or “Are you going to give me the $100 grand to do that? No? Then please respect that we’re done trying and failing and we can’t take any more.”
Thank you for sharing your experience with adoption. I always thought we would adopt if we couldn’t have our own, until we reached the end of the line with IVF and then I didn’t know why I was relieved that my husband said no to adoption. I was initially shocked but the relief of him making the decision was telling me what I couldn’t figure out at the time. I honestly don’t think I could have handled an open adoption and I have since read many posts about the heartache of the biological mother “changing her mind” – I feel for you and admire your strength and courage for going down this road and am truly sorry these choices were taken away at every turn. Your post did make me realize something else – when well meaning people are bent on “fixing” the problem they never actually listen. All I’ve ever wanted is someone to show some empathy and compassion. I like your last line and will use this in future “please respect that we’re done trying and failing and we can’t take any more”. Thinking of you and everyone here, sharing and finding a way through the sadness.
Yes – great topic! I am 47 now (actually – its 48 in two months time – how did that happen?) and I fell into the menopause without having had any babies. Not that I didn’t try – but I was probably a bit late having not met the right man until I was 40! (Sheesh and I always thought I would be married with 4 kids by the time I was 30). Anyway – I had 8 miscarriages between the ages of 40 and 45 before finally deciding that it was not going to happen. I felt very strongly about adoption during my attempts to have my own child – but I think I just needed to know there was another option. It gave me a sense of calm and strength! I was really surprised that, when it came to the crunch I realised that I did not have the energy or the enthusiasm left to go down the adoption road. Lisa it is similar to what you say about needing time to adjust. When I looked back I realised that, despite never having had any, babies, they had still been the primary cause of most of my strife! My marital breakdown, decline in my career, terse relationships with other people (during my more desperate years) and a complete emotional breakdown which spanned a fair few years! I honestly did think – now why the hell do I still want this!? Now I concentrate on my relationships with all of my nearest and dearest. The business I built up to pay for my fertility treatment has given my a real sense of purpose and now I enjoy quality time doing the things I want. I sometimes feel obliged to tell people that I would still consider adoption – but Shhhhh – I don’t really mean it (don’t tell anyone!) If someone were to offer me a baby now I would yes – to babysitting – but no to keeping it. Having said that, I have also learned not to look too far ahead and to never say never about anything! xxx
You’ve been through so much but have such a positive outlook – lots of respect your way xx
Thanks for sharing your story with us. It’s really difficult to answer when they ask you about kids it makes me very sad but over the time I’ve evolved and now I can handle things in a better way.