By Lisa Manterfield
I was always a pretty confident person, even as a child. I could be quite shy, and still am at times, but I was never fearful. I firmly believed that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to and I wasn’t afraid to try anything. I backpacked around South America, jumped out of airplanes, and tried all kinds of strange foods. If anyone told me it couldn’t be done, I took it as a cue to prove her wrong.
This is not the person I am anymore.
I’ve seen a difference in myself. I’m more timid about getting out there and going for what I want. I’ve become a nervous flyer, popping Rescue Remedy and gripping the seat arms on flights. I’ve even caught myself assessing flight times and potential for disaster when considering a trip. I can’t seem to make a decision without asking for opinions from everyone and then second-guessing myself.
After a friend commented on the change, I’m started to take a long hard look at what had happened to me, and the thing that popped to the forefront of my mind is infertility.
I hate to pin everything that’s wrong in my life on infertility, but in this case, I think I’m right. Infertility has taught me that I can’t always get what I want, if only I’d try hard enough. It’s taught me that bad things do happen to good people, and they could even happen to me. And it’s taught me that I am not invincible, and that has made a giant fissure in my confidence.
It’s very disturbing to realize this has happened, because this is not who I am. I am not a timid mouse. I am not afraid of life, but these past several years, that’s who I’ve become.
So, how to undo the damage?
Self-awareness is the first step. Now I know I’m this way, I’m checking in with myself when I feel my courage waver. It’s very helpful to step away from myself and look at what I’m really afraid of, instead of just pulling the blankets over my head and giving into it.
I’m also looking for the old Lisa in some of the places she used to be most confident. I took up orienteering again, which used to be a sport I was pretty good at. I’m not quite as fit as I used to be, but the old skills are still there and reawakening them is helping my confidence to grow again. I’m trying to recognize fear and treat it accordingly.
Finally I’m looking for ways to gently push myself out of my comfort zone (and I’m dragging poor Mr. Fab out of his, too.) We’re learning to sail, something we’ve never done together before. It’s just a small step, but it’s definitely an area in which neither of us is an expert, and yet I’m quite confident that we will survive.
I know I am not invincible, but I want to find my confidence again. According to my plan, I’m not even halfway through my life, and I don’t want to spend those years afraid of what might, or might not, happen.
Beautifully written.I was actually thinking about this a while back. I used to be so outgoing and social. Now I’m afraid to go to parties because of the fear that someone may ask about kids .. that saying “you can do anything your heart desires” no longer applies to me because that one thing i wish for .. is not happening .. no matter how hard i try or dont try .. i guess i will just accept some things are out of our control like you said .. i will try to face my fears and survive and deal with them .. they will only make me stronger
I am not sure how I can ever get back to who I used to be. I spend most of my days wishing I would die. I would do it myself but I guess I lack the courage. Not everything that hurts us makes us “stronger” in the end. Maybe it does for some of you, but not for me. I just really, truly, with all of my heart, want to die. I want to close my eyes at night and never wake up again so I never have to spend another day feeling the way I do. I have also thought about paying a bad person to kill me. It’s absolutely oppressive, it’s like living underneath a boulder that is sitting on top of your chest and you just can’t roll it off of you, it’s too heavy. I want out! How much longer must I feel this way? How much longer must I live with this constant fear, anger, hatred, self loathing? How much longer will I be punished by God?
Noma, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I used to feel like this too. Some years back, I had wish to not to wake up and just sleep forever. I accepted that I will no longer have kids, and me and my husband just try to live everyday. Each time people ask me, I just smile. No need to say anything, and just walk away from the conversation.
We are not being punished by God. We just have to see the good things about not being mothers. There are many things to enjoy being childless. People around us don’t get this, but we don’t need their opinion of approval of the things we want to do or how we will live our lives.
I guess there’s nothing really I can say to change the way you feel but know that this community is here to help you get through what you are going through right now. Somehow we have all been there too.
God bless you
Hey Noma, I am so sorry to read you feel intense pain like this.
It will pass; but it’s not just like “everything is going to be allright”. You will be able to live again without feeling that terrible all the time, I know that because most of us have felt like you do and we got through it. But some pain will remain and might come back from time to time. You will learn to deal with it. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not.
I don’t want you to die. Do you REALLY want to – or do you just want the pain to go away? Or do you maybe need to feel the full pain of it for a little time more? I am struggling for words here. All I can promies you is, that feelings do change over time. Sometimes over a lot of time, it’s true. Also it helps not to rage AGAINST the pain. Not to beat yourself up for feeling the pain. To wish for everything to just go away. Sadly, that is not going to happen. But when you let the pain be what it is, it will become less, and you will become able to live and experience joy and love again.
I am still struggling, after 7 years, to deal with this. But I am learning, and I know there is also joy and light in life, and the future does hold possibilities, even if I don’t know yet what they are. Hang in there, and be kind to yourself. Grieve, be sad, accept the sadness, don’t be angry with yourself for it. And there will be transformation.
I wish you all the best.
Noma, your words break my heart. I am so sorry that you feel this way. Please, do not hurt yourself. Please, find someone that you can talk to. If you can’t find anyone in person, then find someone that you can speak with via email. (My email address is on my website.) I am not a professional counselor. I’m simply a woman who struggled through infertility and is now childless and has felt the overwhelming oppressive weight in my chest that you describe. I will pray that you find the comfort you so desperately need.
We here at LWOB truly value you here .. i am devestated that you are going through this but please for us hang on, you are worthy of being here
Infertility stole my confidence too. It really knocked me down for several years. I stopped socializing, seeing family, and, well, doing anything really. It wasn’t until I decided to stop trying to get pregnant that I could really start to grieve the loss of my children that I had always dreamed of having. And, call me crazy, amidst my grief, I decided to change almost my entire life. My life already didn’t look like what I wanted, so what DID I want? My life didn’t look like anyone else’s, so I was free to create whatever life I wanted (well, almost… I’m obviously not parenting in this lifetime).
So it was infertility that stole my confidence, but it was infertility that also finally taught me boundaries. Like I said a sentence ago: my life doesn’t look like anyone else’s. So how I could ever expect anyone to understand all of my decisions and perspectives? The answer is they can’t. And that was truly freeing. It took some practice after a lifelong habit of caring what others thought, but, don’t worry, I’m a fast learner. 😉
Slowly, with each decision I made, a little bit of my confidence came back. It has taken me years to rebuild myself. But that’s okay, I’m not going anywhere, I’ve got time hahaha. And actually, this weekend I took a trip by myself for profession-related reasons. I knew no one there and I forced myself out of my comfort zone all weekend long, challenging myself to, at first, just show up. Then go in the room. Then talk to one person. Then talk to another person. Pretty soon, I had met about 20 people over the weekend and I enjoyed some good conversation and made some great connections. Honestly? I am so proud of myself. I have come so far and I worked for every inch of it.
It’s easy to lose your confidence with infertility, but it is possible to get it back stronger than ever. <3
That is so encouraging, thank you for that. Ilove going to events alone cause it really allows me to take everything in without me being distracted by people i know .. sometimes i fully enjoy the alone time
You are an inspiration! You should be proud of yourself for attending that conference. Going into a room full of people that I don’t know causes my anxiety to go up! I’m very impressed. Thank you for the encouragement to continue pushing myself out of my comfort zone. 🙂
I posted a comment yesterday but didnt
t make it up/yet .. I was going to say the same thing .. that is so encouraging!@ and I love going to places alone because i could take the environment all in without any distractions!
Thank you for this post, Lisa. I feel much more like myself after accepting my infertility, but I still don’t feel that I have the self-esteem I did back in college. I’ve tried to figure out why, blaming it on numerous things. But I think you may be right… I think it may be the infertility. Because we couldn’t have kids, I’m always waiting for the bad to happen. I don’t want to be like this. I, too, am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. That’s one reason I quit teaching after 17 years and started my blog. It is all new, but I’m learning and trying and remembering that I am capable. Plus, I’ve come across women like you, and I don’t feel so alone (or so weird) about what I’m going through.
Nice. I think infertility is a really brutal way for us to realise that we’re not invincible, and can slash our self-confidence. When our bodies can’t do something that most of the population considers fundamental to our lives, and as basic as any other normal bodily functions, then our world is shaken to its core. I think that leads to the feelings of insecurity that I’ve certainly experienced too.
But as you say, once we recognise it, we can address it. I said to someone recently that since infertility I have said “no” more often, as a reason for self-protection, but in recent years I have adopted a policy of saying “yes” first, and that’s building my confidence too.