By Lisa Manterfield
Do you remember the game Chutes and Ladders? In the UK we called it “Snakes and Ladders” and I loved it. I had a nursery rhyme version with Jack and Jill happily climbing the hill on one ladder, and then tumbling down at the next snake (or chute). Humpty Dumpty, Rock-a-Bye-Baby, Little Bo Peep and her poor lost sheep were all there with their assorted joys and disasters.
In case any one is reading and has no clue what I’m talking abut, Chutes and Ladders is a board game. There are 100 squares on the board and you roll a dice and move along, trying to be the first person to reach 100. If you land on a ladder you get to follow the ladder up and jump ahead on the game. If, however, you land on a chute (or snake) you slide back down the board to a lower number. There’s no strategy involved in the game at all, and it’s pure luck as to whether you joyfully climb the ladder or careen back down a chute.
It struck me that life is a lot like chutes and ladders, especially when you’re playing the “coming-to-terms with infertility” game.
Case in point: A while ago, Mr. Fab and I had a great weekend. It was the first one in a while that we’d spent together just relaxing and enjoying one another’s company. We slept late, took a long walk, planned a vacation, and took a long afternoon nap. It’s on weekends like these that I realize all the positive things that have come out of us not having children.
But on Saturday night we had dinner with some friends at their home. They and the other friends who were invited have adult children, so the evening was spent talking about all kinds of other things not relating to the perils of parenthood. But in their hallway were photos of their children as toddlers, sitting in the garden, laughing those infectious toddler laughs, and for a few minutes I found myself just staring at the pictures and thinking about all that I’ve missed with not having children. My happiness hopped on a chute and slid back down a few squares.
I think that my life is always going to be this way, that I’ll keep making progress and moving gradually towards that place of being 100 percent at peace with being childfree, but there are always going to be chutes thrown in my way: the cousin’s pregnancy announcement, the friends celebrating milestones with their children, those moments when I rethink the whole thing and wonder, “What if we got back on the train? What if that risky and expensive treatment worked? What if we adopted?”
But, for every chute that comes along, there’s a ladder that will take me back up. So, the trick to maintaining sanity and finding peace is to keep living for the ladders.
This is a great way of explaining it. This is exactly how I feel. Sometimes it can be hard to just keep plugging along because the chute pops up. Thank you for putting into words how I feel. I am so grateful for my life and all the ways I really do have it great – a wonderful partner, my health, a great job – and then sometimes I just get hit over the head by it. This week it was my sister’s comment about her newborn baby – whomp, I slid down the ladder, then at church – back down further. I keep hoping and praying that if I keep focused on all the things I have to be grateful for – I will find peace. But it is a constant determination not to just flip the whole game over that sometimes is exhausting.
Thank you. I don’t think I will ever rest until I am no longer here. I truly believe that it is never easy for the childless person. Nothing is made easy either. No support from any organisation or society. No understanding from your peers or siblings as they have children. That’s life though. Sometimes kids don’t just happen to good people. I don’t want to be good anymore.
I’m sorry you are struggling, Rosie. I hope you feel support here, as there is a wonderful childless tribe out there. I have been amazed at their love and ability to “get it.”
I often felt like I was so alone while struggling through infertility and accepting childlessness. But over the past year, I have found so many lovely ladies going through the same trials. They have helped me realize that I am not alone, and I am finding my confidence again.
If you would like to connect with some of them, here’s a link to the “Resources” page on my blogsite – http://notsomommy.com/resources/
Lots of hugs to you…