40 years after the birth of the first IVF baby, the fertility industry has come a long way. But when it comes to the psychological aspects of infertility, most clinics are still in the dark ages. And for those of us for whom IVF was not the magic fix, what happens to us afterwards?
This week’s topic is for those of you who arrived here via the infertility route.
Do you feel you were left hanging by the fertility industry?
Okay, I know that’s a loaded question, so if you don’t feel like jumping in on this topic, or if it doesn’t apply to you, feel free to bring your own whine to the party this week.
I believe it’s of the utmost importance that mental health counseling become a larger part of the ART process across the board, from beginning to end. I know clinics will say that they are upfront and honest about the percentages and likelihood of ART success, especially IVF, and in many cases that is true. However I don’t believe that a woman or couple in the throes of infertility are always in the right mind space to accept these truths and take them as seriously as needed. I guess I can only speak for myself, but when it was me in that office being told of my chances, I tended to throw out the things I didn’t want to hear and cling tight to anything that offered the hope I desperately sought.
I believe that counseling should be offered by clinics throughout the process and that realistic expectations and statistics should be presented more than once (not just at the very beginning of the process).
Then, if a woman or couple should end up at the other end of ART with no success, counseling should be heavily encouraged. I have been there, and it is devastating. Women who are childless not by choice have higher risks for so many mental health issues from depression to suicide. It should not be taken lightly and couples should not be sent off from the ART process with a “Sorry, there’s nothing more we can do” after spending many years and many thousands of dollars on a dream that has now died right in front of them. I really feel strongly that this needs to be addressed industry wide.
Lastly, and this is just my personal viewpoint, I think there are a number of clinics out there that inflate the chances of success, especially with women over 40, just to make money. They don’t have to report outcomes for us so it doesn’t matter if our IVF rounds succeed or fail. There are things happening at some clinics that should be investigated and the public should be made aware of the truth about ART. Are there women getting pregnant with babies that would otherwise not have been able to have them? YES, and I know this offers so much hope to people. But from what I understand, over 75% of women are not successful using IVF. If this is truly the case, women have the right to know, and we should be educating the public on this so it’s understood before the woman or couple is seated in the doctor’s office, fighting their own infertility and unable to process the real chances of IVF success.
These are my opinions, but thanks for offering a place for all women like us to share. 🙂
Excellent response. Thank you for sharing!
Yesss spot on and so glad someone has said it out loud. After 4 rounds and really researching what was going on I started to see they were encouraging false hope for money which I find disgusting. On my final round I started asking questions to the nurses and doctors which made them very uncomfortable e.g. why they continue to let me have IVF with the grade of my eggs and various other detailed items I had researched about my particular situation and operations and realised there was almost zero chance of me falling pregnant yet they let me still continue and would have for years if I didn’t stop myself and see clearly.
I was just a dollar sign to them and at $70,000 – $100,000 USD price tag they put on my forehead I walked out the door and that was the end of the journey right there.
We had a similar experience. The first question I was asked was how was I going to pay for this: check, charge or bank draft. When I said personal check the nurse (I guess she was a nurse – they all dressed alike in the doctors office – colorful scrubs) was gleeful. Apparently when you walk in there with the means to pay ‘cash’ they are delighted.
As soon as I had a negative cycle they wanted to throw us back in for another cycle of IVF. After 2 failed months in a row, I was not anywhere emotionally or physically ready to tackle another month on the IVF roller coaster. Once I told the office we were taking a break, there was no further communication. We were dropped to manage the dark side of failed treatments alone. Fertility clinics need to incorporate mental health from the get go. All negative cycles should have a mental health visit as a necessary follow up to help you cope with your loss and regain perspective.
We didn’t know we had a support network available to us at the ivf clinic, if everything went wrong. All the focus was on positivity, being stress free. So when I went into a spiral that ended with a “major depressive episode”, I sought out a therapist on my own. She got me through it, but she kind of sucked.
same here, when infertility on my partner’s side left me single, childless and broken, I had to look for help on my own, even though the law on fertility treatement in my country makes it compulsory for doctors to inform patients about the psychological stress and offer help, none of them ever did. I’ve seen several therapists over the last 8 years. Some were helpful, others were not, and none of them actually understood involuntary childlessness. Every single effing one of them told me “just get a new partner”.
I felt like I was just a number. People acting like they cared but never looking you in the eye. Dealing with infertility everyday but never truly knowing what it felt like. The emptiness, frustration, disappointment, anger and sadness all rolled up into a knot buried deep in the pit of your stomach. Putting on a brave smile because you ARE strong, but maybe not today. These are some of the things that need to be addressed throughout this process. Unfortunately most couples, including my husband and I, received no emotional support.
Thanks Hillary – this resonates with me – this is how I felt through every cycle (we had 7 in total on and off over 17 years) – I can’t believe I did this to myself and my husband. The last cycle was 4.5 years ago and our first 3 were back to back in 1998 and a different clinic – there was no support with any of these and nothing changed in 17 years. “The emptiness, frustration, disappointment, anger and sadness all rolled up into a knot buried deep in the pit of your stomach” – that is absolutely how it was and I think the effects of all the disappointment over and over meant even when we finally walked away, I took that huge knot with me for years and I still put on a brave smile. I’m releasing the knot by doing what is right for me now but I feel completely mis-understood by everyone but my husband. I don’t think anyone will ever see how hard those years were and how difficult the last 4 have been (the hardest of all) – letting go of the life we worked for and waited for. People see what they want to see as its the easier option.
We really need compassion and understanding from those who are close to us. It’s hard to try to explain every time we don’t need free advise….