Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday: You Wouldn’t Understand; You Don’t Have Kids


I know I’m probably going to have to duck for cover with this week’s topic. We’ve all heard it and the sting never seems to diminish. So here we go:

“You wouldn’t understand; you don’t have kids.”

I’ll be behind the couch if you need me.

Comments

  1. Not on topic exactly, but after a week vacation with my brother and kids, I got a bit tired of my SIL judging all of my expenditures. “Oh you paid to get in to boarding group A? Why?” just one of many many examples from our week at Disney. Actually, my hubby and I go to Disney every year just the 2 of us after we officially got off the baby train – which I think pisses her off too. So maybe “You wouldn’t understand, you have kids” I can spend my money, time, and tv watching however I see fit! I did say recently to her as I was wrangling her children during another event that I took time off my job for (again assumed that I will just drop everything for them), that she would be screwed if I had gotten pregnant one of the thousand and 6 dr assisted times I tried. I wouldn’t be able to attend all of your kids events and be a free babysitter (even though I live 3 hours away and have a very demanding job). But damn I love my niece and nephews and yes I will drop anything for them and I slip them twenties and five extra cash towards their camps and buy all of their fundraising stuff…other things I can do because I don’t have kids. WHEW I needed this whiny Wednesday!!!

    • I love the idea of saying, “you wouldn’t understand, you have kids.” I think that’s brilliant, and might adopt it!

      Also – yes, can understand the frustrations with your SIL, but the love for your niece and nephews wins out.

  2. Since I bite my tongue constantly around parents, I don’t hear this much. I have heard it…it’s just been a long time.

    Even though I realize that after 5 decades on this planet, and many, many hours of babysitting and activities with kids, I may have “a shred” [ snark intended ] of wisdom that my help them or their child, I bite my tongue anyway.

    Just to avoid hearing that phrase. I guess I came to believe it. Yet there’s a part of me that knows it’s their loss, not mine, that I bite my tongue instead of trying to help them.

  4. As you get older they dont say as much however my sister is constantly telling me how she is having to SAVE up all her money for her Grandchildren college…Really? I dont think grandparents are required to pay for their grandchildrens college but more power to her…

  5. I just LOVE that holier than thou comment. I always grit my teeth and curse them in my head hoping karma kicks in and their child does something to really embarrass them in public. I know it’s childish. I don’t have children. They wouldn’t understand!

    My Heartless sister in law (who knows our struggles) told my husband one time that we needed to “hurry up and have kids so we would understand and grow as people.” Thank God I wasn’t there because, well we won’t go there. My husband went berserk. It was validating because he usually doesn’t express his feelings about the whole thing.

    She and her husband also shhhushed him when precious baby was napping (we weren’t even at their house). And then again when he was overheard swearing. It was followed by a lecture about how to act around precious babies and how they repeat everything and how he wouldn’t understand etc. That really sparked some fireworks and even more words that precious baby should never hear!

    Sorry to ramble! Sometimes I just need to get things out!

  6. A few weeks ago a coworker was leaving for the day and said, “Well, I’m off to another softball game – in the rain – for my daughter. You’re jealous, right?” I didn’t think much about my response and chuckled and said, “No, I’m not.” It surprised me when I said it, because I usually will say, “Have fun!” or “Hope it’s a great game!”
    She didn’t say anything back, but also didn’t seem upset by it. She just smiled and was on her way.
    I think it showed me that I don’t always have to turn the conversation in a different direction or said something that I know someone else wants to hear. She didn’t need to add the “You’re jealous” to let me know where she’s going after work. In fact, she didn’t need to tell me where she was going at all.
    Perhaps it sent a signal that my childlessness is something I’m ok with. It doesn’t have to be a topic that is a constant descriptor of me, either.

  7. One of my closest friends had her daughter last year. She posted an article about a war zone on social media with a comment like ‘When I look at these children I see my baby girls face, how can people with children not see their children’s faces and do such awful things!’

    I felt really disappointed in her. She knows of my infertility and all the emotional struggles. But here she was announcing to the world the view that only parents could understand why it’s wrong to kill children. Like without a child of your own you would not have empathy?

    I’m still angry about it but have found our relationship hard due to her absorption in her child and that she prefers to be with friends with children, so I’ve yet to question her about it. I feel almost ashamed to be offended by it, like I will be called over sensitive etc. But without saying anything to her I’m just holding onto anger.