More than 40 years after the birth of the first IVF baby, the fertility industry has come a long way. But when it comes to the psychological aspects of infertility, most clinics are still in the dark ages. And for those of us for whom IVF was not the magic fix, what happens to us afterwards?
This week’s topic is for those of you who arrived here via the infertility route.
Do you feel you were left hanging by the fertility industry?
Okay, I know that’s a loaded question, so if you don’t feel like jumping in on this topic, or if it doesn’t apply to you, feel free to bring your own whine to the party this week.
I felt like I was hanging from a noose! At 34 I found out that my AMH was non-existent. Combine that with 3 myomectomies and you have yourself one infertile woman. My husband and I decided IVF was too much with my low AMH so we did IUI. During one of my cycles I had a peak day on a Saturday which meant I had to drive an extra 90 minutes to the clinic that was open on the weekend. But, I had 3 large follicles so it was worth it! I was told I would receive a call on Sunday to let me know if I should trigger. The call never came, so Sunday at 5pm I called them. I was told not to worry, and don’t trigger. On Monday morning my RN from my local clinic called to ask how it went. I was shocked she didn’t have my results. She reviewed my labs and found that I should have triggered on Sunday, they rushed my husband and I in that day for an insemination. Spoiler alert, it didn’t take. This is from one of the most sought after fertility clinics in the country. During our entire time there, I was never met with compassion, every face I encountered and voice I heard over the phone was full of pity.
My body’s bold defiance to do this miraculous thing it was created to do is heartbreaking for me to accept. Now, at 40, the sting of failure lingers as I despondently wave goodbye to my childbearing years and put this behind me with a fury of rage and relief that I can’t begin to explain here. But as I tell this story, I am immediately filled with mostly relief knowing that my happiness won’t hang in the balance of some careless nurse.
Our first, and ONLY, visit to the infertility clinic was awful. The more they learned about our different problems, and did a couple of extra test; by the end you could almost see the dollar signs in their eyes. Because of our combined issues it was going to be $70k-100k. When we asked what was the percentage rate of success they just looked at us like we were stupid and said, “Just like everyone else….24%.”
Yep they made me believe because I was young and they couldn’t find anything wrong no matter numerous tests ( unexplained infertility) that getting pg would happen right away. When 3 IUI’s failed they made me think IVF automatically worked for everyone. I did get pg with IVF #2, but had a late loss of twins. Then the dr never bothered reading my chart when months after my loss I decided to give it one more shot. They asked how my twins were when in the chart it showed the loss. Then they seemed more interested in the money since my insurance covered unlimited IUI cycles to keep doing that until I saved for another IVF. It’s been at least 6 years since we stopped infertility treatments and now have the money to go back to my first love – traveling.
My last experience with the fertility clinic was one I would rather forget as soon as possible… Beginning of this year, we discovered at age 35 that my AMH value was too low for my age and chances of conceiving naturally were rather small…After some unsuccessful rounds of insemination, supported by hormone Treatment, we decided it was time for the real deal: IVF. The day I started taking the shots, that had very high dose hormones, I felt Feeling really bad and had unbearable pains in my bowel and gut. I went back to the fertility clinic asking them for help and advice and they told me it could have nothing to do with the Hormones… Ok, I decided to carry on for a few more days…. 2 days later I got in touch with the clinic again, almost crying from pain. They just kept repeating what they said before and tried convincing me to continue with hormones….until I really couldn’t hold it anymore: I went to the Hospital, where they immediately referred me to an endometriosis specialist… it seems I had a very big endometriosis cyst in my bowel, which was quite visible and the hormones had made it grow exponentially….so I ended up getting surgery 1 week later… the surgeon believes the fertility clinic should have seen the cyst or should have at least considered the fact that endometriosis was an possible cause of the pain….It’s now 6 months after surgery and I’m still not pregnant yet… not sure if I dare to try the IVF road again…for more info on endometriosis, you can see my blog: https://tryingwithendometriosis.blog/
Yes! One HSG and I was told to adopt. Went to 3 fertility specialists. This was 1993. I didn’t know any better. Nowhere near the resources there are today.
I did go to the infertility clinic and really felt like it was pretty robotic . They never told us about we have the option to stop and was never asked about the psychological/ emotional component like how was I doing ? Or how were me and my husband doing ? To me that was really disappointing and did not convey empathy or compassion for this terribly difficult time. We eventually decided to stop due to how emotionally draining it was .
I’m at 7 years post trying and my husband and I travel all the time now.
We were back in the 80s and it was different back then but yet in some ways the same…very expensive and they Insurance covered nothing…I think they only paid for Fertility meds and my operations…but the rest they considered Unnecessary (kinda like a facial reconstruction when you just want to change your face) or that is how they looked at it…
To this day I have never understood why the Insurance will pay for a woman to not get Pregnant and then pay for a woman who is pregnant but wont pay for treatments to help get pregnant…it may be different today but after three VERY expensive insemination attempts which I could not physically do any more and we could not afford any more…we called it quits
Nita, it’s changed a little bit now. But just three years ago insurance wouldn’t cover my incomplete miscarriage. Thankfully my doctor let me know that I had the choice of spending $25,000 out of pocket for surgery at the local hospital or traveling a few hours to large city to the Planned Parenthood where I would only have to spend $700 for medical care for my miscarriage. (I’m in the US and live in a rural area). How does that even make any sense at all?
The infertility clinic I went to put me through a series of diagnostic tests. Just as the RE was going to tell us the results, a nurse poked her head in the door and said the RE was wanted on the phone. So the RE left to take the call and sent in……a pregnant nurse(!) to inform us the test results showed we were infertile. The nurse failed to realize the irony and cruelty of it all, or if she did, she didn’t bother to acknowledge it and how it was adding to the awfulness of the whole thing. It all went downhill from there. My husband and I decided to get off the rollercoaster without trying IVF.
I’m using whiny Wednesday for a different whine.
My younger sister had a baby today. She unwittingly used my secret baby name. I was gutted and sobbed on the freeway.
I’m so upset.
Hi S.
I’m so sorry to hear that. Last weekend I went to a BBQ. My cousin showed up extremely pregnant (again). I listened to her and my MOM giggling and discussing baby names together. So I’ve had some sobbing time too this week.
Wow – this is a loaded topic. We spent 20 yrs on and off IVF treatment – I joined the circus at age 29 and didn’t really stop until age 48 when I basically timed out due to our clinic not treating women past the age of 48 – which shifted from 46 to 48 right before we were kicked off the egg donation list. We underwent 3 back to back IVF cycles in the first year. No-one at any point asked after our well being, no-one called us back when they said they would, no-one offered any discussion about the mental or physical challenge or the prospect of it not actually working. I honestly think its why I just kept flogging the dead horse – I believed it would work eventually. All 6 cycles failed – I was 35 when our 4th try ended. We had a few in store (a back up plan that we wouldn’t need). I was 44 when we returned to use our frozen embryo’s – I didn’t even know they wouldn’t allow me to use a fresh egg cycle. How naive – 35 is the cut off for using your own eggs. So we used our frozen eggs – not knowing if they would thaw until the last moment. There was no NHS for IVF in our home town – unless you were age 35 with your first cycle. We paid for all our own treatment and travelled 50 miles for each appointment to our clinic – often getting to work having just undergone scans/blood tests and no-one ever knew anything (I kept it all hidden) – I couldn’t bear my own expectations let alone anyone else. I believed I would tell the good news all in good time. All of our frozen embryo’s failed too – covering 5th and 6th cycle. Our name came up on the egg donor wait list – I was 46. We had our first IVF pregnancy – I had spotting at 4 and 5 wks – I was brushed off because it was Christmas. I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy at 8 weeks on 5th January 2014. We were doomed from day 1 and the clinics missed it completely – despite my endometriosis, blocked tube and repeated calls to the clinic. We had a follow up appointment – I wanted answers, we were so close – they talked about increased ectopic risk and recommended more surgery before we tried again. A month after the follow up they called to offer a donor and cycle 8! I said I would discuss with my husband – I’ve not heard one word from them since……..I am now 51 and they’ll not call again as I am 3 years too old. In writing this – I finally feel the relief that its over. It takes a long time to retrain the mind from wanting motherhood when you’ve spent your whole life dreaming of it…… I feel I relive loss to some degree every single day. My darkest days however are behind me – thank you for sharing your stories here – this is where I can turn and feel someone knows this almighty pain that is always in the shadows, not visible to the “normal” human eye.
I went to the fertility clinic once. I was herded in like a cow. My OB/GYN had done several tests by that point and sent the results to the clinic. At the clinic the tests were ordered again because apparently they do the same tests but they do it in their lab with their lab technicians because they can only trust their results (and charge for it). I was told that my insurance wouldn’t cover the HSG and that would cost $7,000-$9,000 out of pocket. That was just the start of the dollar signs. Instead of leaving hopeful I left feeling hopeless. I asked my OB/GYN if any of the other medical schools would use me as a training tool for students for a discounted price. He said unfortunately that’s how it used to be but then the schools began preying on women’s desperate need for children and the fertility centers became the golden goose. I guess that’s true because they charged me $500.00 for that 15 minute “consultation” and then refused to lower the price when I asked.