Happy Whiny Wednesday! I hope you’re doing okay today. If not, this is the place to get it off your chest.
This week we turn to spotlight on the men in our lives and discuss the topic of:
Spouses or partners who aren’t dealing or healing
If you have one of these, we’d like to hear to about it.
…my ex husband was not aware of my suffering since he already had children from his previous marriage…
It was very hard for me to go on without his support…
I’m in a similar spot with the man with whom I’ve been living for nearly 10 years. He’s clueless when it comes to my sensitivities in this area. I find myself putting on a brave face rather than bother trying to get him to understand.
I’ve shared everything on how I feel – no holding back. It has helped with him understanding. But still he does not fall into the pit of grief like I do. He will however give me space and an understanding ear when I want to talk.
Speaking in generalities, I don’t think men feel the emotional pull or pain that women feel…I know I don’t…my wife feels deep pain, but it’s totally foreign to me, and hard to understand as I don’t have that grief in anyway at all…it is very hard to understand
I appreciate your candor. I have suspected that to be true, but not being a man have no basis for my opinion.
My spouse is not experiencing a loss, only me. He has 3 kids from his first marriage.
He is supportive and does his best to understand. But does not feel what I do. He is there to help pick me up and move forward after my many stumble.
My husband is upset that I’m upset but he is totally find not having kids.
I guess I should clarify. He is sad I’m sad. He isn’t mad at me for being upset. In the beginning he wanted kids because that was social convention; especially in our church. But he is fine being the one that gets all my attention.
Gidday, I’m assuming you’re meaning partners who are feeling grief about not having kids?….I’m from the other side…I’m a husband who said no to having kids, for various reasons (I told my wife I didn’t want them before we married, but she assumed I’d change my mind) and who isn’t feeling grieved about not having kids,but I am said about the pain my wife feels, and the anger she has toward me for that. Personally that’s been a difficult thing to deal with at times because I’m always the ‘bad’ one for not giving her kids, even though one of, if not the main reason, for me refusing to have them with her is because of her health issues and the facts that I’d have been the one doing 90% of the work with them. I’d be interested in how many other men (or women) are in the same boat?
Thanks
That sounds like a difficult spot to be in Paul. Having an expectation and clearly stating your intentions from the beginning of your relationship only to discover later on that your partner feels differently must be tricky to navigate (and quite a bit unfair that you are feeling like the “bad one” if you were upfront about your feelings about kids). I don’t know what it’s like to be in your position, but I imagine there are likely many people in that same boat. I believe many people on this site are here because they wanted children, but circumstances out of one’s control (whether health, infertility, a partner, finances, etc) never allowed that to happen. So you will probably notice a different perspective here than you might in the Childfeee by Choice blogs and groups out elsewhere online. Some of those may have some resources as well for people in your situation.
Thanks for the reply and perspective…appreciate it.
My husband has a child by a previous marriahe so has not experienced loss at all. Before we married he did not want another child. The first time around was not a particularly positive experience. I told him I understood, but not having a baby was a deal breaker. He was welcome to move on if that was the right choice for him. He felt that not being with me was a loss he was not willing to accept and agreed a baby was not too juch to ask. He was marrying a teacher after all. He apparently assumed he would change my mind and dragged his feet for years. In the end he was not able to have children. By the time a realized how things were, it was too late to make another choice. TheRe was a time when he felt like the great passion 9f my life, but this experience or lack has left me feeling crushed and betrayed. It’s very difficult to be so angry all of the time with someone you also love. In addition, as I know you readers understand, being childless can bevery isolating, especially in the education world.
He occasionally makes comments about how sorry he is we didn’t have a baby and what a great mother I would have been. This just makes me angry and uncharitable towards him. I feel it’s easy for him to sit and “empathize” when he has not suffered any loss. He got to experience growing life, birth, first steps, first words, holidays, birthdays, and all of the other milestonesand moments of life.
In many ways, most ways, he has been an amazing husband, but this one issue is so all encompassing it overshadows every moment, every meal with an empty chair, every Christmas with a missing stocking, every first day of school that isn’t , just every.