filling the silence in the motherhood discussion
After spending a year in a body cast as a young woman, Justine was told that pregnancy would not be a safe option. She tells her story of struggle, hope, and recovery in Ever Upward: Overcoming the Lifelong Losses of Infertility to Define Your Own Happy Ending.
I spoke to Justine about Life Without Baby and how writing helped me to heal. You can read our interview at EverUpward.org.
I’m very pleased to introduce you to my host for today’s blog tour stop.
Catherine-Emmanuelle Delisle went through one of my workshops a couple of years ago and, after it was over, decided to start her own French-language support community. Within two years her site, Femmes Sans Enfant, won a well-deserved Canadian Blog Award in the category of Activism and Social Justice.
Today she shares a video of a story I performed a number of years ago about my experience with infertility. It’s interesting to me to see the person I was then—still fighting to keep my emotions under control, but beginning to find the courage to speak—to the person I am today.
Even if your French is a little rusty, please hop over to Femmes Sans Enfant and lend your support to Catherine-Emmanuelle and her work.
My apologies for depriving you of Whiny Wednesday yesterday. I hope to make it up to you today.
It’s now been six years since I let go of my plans and dreams of motherhood and started talking about “life without baby.” Six years later, I’m still talking about it, and I have no plans to stop talking about it any time soon.
So, this week’s Whiny Wednesday (on Thursday) is something I’m sure many of have heard in some form or another as you navigate this rocky road to healing:
Are you still talking about that?
Whine away, my friends.
And if you’d like a chance to win a copy of Life Without Baby: Surviving and Thriving When Motherhood Doesn’t Happen, just add #whine to the end of your comment and I’ll enter your name into a drawing at the end of the week.
When I asked Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos if I could make a stop at Silent Sorority on my blog tour, I should have known she wouldn’t let me get off lightly. If you’re familiar with Pamela’s work, you’ll know that she doesn’t skirt around challenging issues and she’s not afraid to write frankly about infertility and involuntary childlessness.
Pamela is a pioneer in our community, creating one of the first blogs (Coming 2 Terms, which grew into Silent Sorority) on the topic of life after infertility. Her book, Silent Sorority, was the first book I read about another woman who’d walked away from the infertility craziness. Since then she’s become a powerful voice, penning a follow up book, Finally Heard: A Silent Sorority Find Its Voice and gaining national attention for the infertility community.
As expected, Pamela asked me some thought-provoking questions about where I find myself today after surviving infertility and thriving without children. You can read our conversation in her post, Two Wiser Women.
When I first began stumbling around the internet looking for other people like me, I came across loribeth and her wonderful blog, The Road Less Traveled, in which she wrote candidly about coming to terms with infertility and a life without children after the stillbirth of her daughter.
From loribeth I learned the power of writing honestly about the hard emotional aspects of this life, rather than writing around the edges, as I so often found myself doing. I realized that when I wrote on my blog, I wasn’t writing into an abyss—even though it felt that way sometimes—but for real people, dealing with so many of the same issues I was dealing with.
You’ve probably already met loribeth in the comments on this site. She’s been incredibly supportive of me and other readers. And recently, after almost six years, we’ve both stepped out from behind our blogs and had the opportunity to get to know one another in our “real lives.”
I’m honored to be loribeth’s first ever guest blogger today, writing on the topic of Embracing Possibility, something she’s been very familiar with lately as she embraces an exciting new chapter in her own life.
Please hop over to The Road Less Traveled and say hi to loribeth.
Loribeth, thank you for all your support.
Today is Publication Day!
My new book, Life Without Baby: Surviving and Thriving When Motherhood Doesn’t Happen is making its debut today and I’m so pleased to be able to share it with you. It’s chock full of everything I’ve learned on this long, sometimes rocky, path to making peace with a life without children.
Perhaps the most important lesson I’ve learned since deciding to walk away from the possibility of motherhood is that none of us needs to go through this alone. Even though I once felt as if I was the only person this had ever happened to, I quickly learned that there is a generous and supportive community of women out there. And I’d like to introduce you to some of them.
Over the next couple of weeks, I’ll be visiting some of my favorite bloggers around the world. I hope you’ll come with me to discover some new resources and to meet some truly remarkable women.
I’m kicking off my tour today with a trip to Australia, where I join Michelle Marie McGrath on her Unclassified Woman podcast. Michelle has put together a fantastic series of interviews with childless and childfree women from around the world. We spoke about dealing with grief, debunking myths about childlessness, and about the healing power of writing and other creative pursuits.
Michelle will also be giving away of copy of my book, so we sure to tune in for your chance.
You can listen to the podcast here.
By Lisa Manterfield
Mum and I on the water
Next Sunday is Mother’s Day in the UK, which, let’s face it, is about the worst day of the year to be childless. I think the UK is still catching up with the States as far as turning this quiet, “honoring of one’s mother” into an all-out Hallmark bonanza, but given the recent surge in popularity of Halloween and Black Friday sales, Mother’s Day is unlikely to escape.
As I live on the opposite side of the world from my own mother, I can usually escape the Mother’s day madness that happens here in the US. I’ve sent a card and gift and I’ll make a phone call, and my mum will be appreciative of the gesture. She doesn’t want or need any more fuss than that. But come May, I know that many of you here in the US will be facing far bigger expectations, so let’s take a breath before the madness begins and start with a little history and perspective.
The modern idea of Mother’s Day here in the U.S was started in 1905 when Anna Jarvis, a woman who wanted to honor her own mother and her contributions to Anna’s life, fought to make it an official celebration. Mother’s Day as we know it was made official in 1914, when President Woodrow Wilson designated it as a national holiday celebrating mothers. It was quickly adopted and subsequently commercialized.
Anna (who was not a mother herself, by the way) never intended the day to be a celebration of motherhood, but a way for people to honor their own mothers in their own way. She was so enraged by the twisting of the quiet commemoration she’d envisioned that she actively protested the holiday that she’d fought so hard to create. I think poor old Anna would turn in her grave if she saw what Mother’s Day has become.
Keeping some perspective on the original intention can help you get through this difficult day, especially if your own mother is still in your life. You’ll need to find a way to celebrate her that’s appropriate for your relationship and your own need for protection. Perhaps you can send her a card or flowers. If you like to take her to lunch, suggest doing it the week before or after Mother’s Day, when it won’t be so crowded and you can enjoy your time together. Use this as an opportunity, if you can, to create a more meaningful tradition with your mother. This isn’t about poo-pooing Mother’s Day and all mothers, including your own, but it is about protecting yourself and honoring your mother in a meaningful, rather than a wholly commercial and meaningless, way.
Mother’s Day is still a couple of months away here, but taking a few minutes now to think about the challenges you might face and come up with a plan will help you get through the day. So what’s your plan? How will you spend the day? How will you honor your own mother? And how will you deal with the challenges you can’t avoid?
By Lisa Manterfield
I came across a copy of Whole Living magazine lately. I found the articles interesting and it’s one of the few women’s magazines I’ve found that isn’t focused on children. Refreshing.
What’s also refreshing is that, along with their Mission Statement, they also post their Ten Tenets of Whole Living. You can read them here:
These are a couple of personal favorites:
#1 Happiness is a choice. Make that choice today and every day.
I’ve spent a good chunk of the past few years feeling sorry for myself because I can’t have children. But I’ve come to appreciate the life I am able to have because of my childlessness. I’m pretty happy with this life and, if the opportunity presented itself to become a mother, I am no longer sure I would take it.
#5 Laugh at yourself. You’re funny.
Never a truer word spoken. It’s so easy to take yourself oh so seriously, but really life is pretty ridiculous. Case in point: I married a man who couldn’t have children. We spent five years trying to fix that, only to discover that I was infertile. Not funny at the time, but the irony isn’t lost on me now.
#9 It’s never too late to take the first step toward your aspirations.
When she was in her 60’s, my mum graduated with a bachelor’s degree in science and learned to drive. Anyone who tells you you’re too old to follow your dreams deserves a poke in the eye.
What are some of your tenets, rules that you choose to live by?
Thanks to Kath for this week’s Whiny Wednesday topic. It’s a good one.
Parenting is the hardest job in the world!
And, go!
Anyone who knows me in the real world will tell you that, in person, I am not a gusher. I’m an enthusiastic sort when the occasion calls for it, but I’m not one for public shows of excessive affection. If I don’t tell you “I love you,” don’t assume I don’t care; it’s not a phrase I toss around lightly and if I say it, I mean it.
Like I say, I’m not big on public affection, either physical or verbal.
So, I’m not going to tell you, dear readers, that I love you, because I’ve never even met most of you, and “love” just isn’t the right word. What I will tell you though, is how very much I appreciate you and how glad I am that you are in my life.
I have been sitting here reading the comments you’ve left on some recent posts and I am touched by your incredible generosity in sharing your hearts with me and with other readers. I am in awe of how you reach out to one another – to people you’ve never even met – and offer words of kindness and encouragement. It is the most wonderful and inspiring thing to watch, and seeing it restores my (sometimes flagging) faith in the human race.
As I said, I’m not a gusher, but today I felt the need to gush a little.
It is Whiny Wednesday, of course, and even though I don’t personally have anything to whine about today, I hope that my mellow mood won’t deter you from letting rip, should you need to. Whine on!
~ "a raw, transparent account of the gut-wrenching journey of infertility."
~ "a welcome sanity check for women left to wonder how society became so fixated on motherhood."
