filling the silence in the motherhood discussion
Last week I was checking out the stats on this blog and noticed a series of periodic spikes in visitors. When I dug a little deeper, I discovered that each spike coincided with Whiny Wednesday! I guess we all need a place to gripe now and then.
So, again, it’s Whiny Wednesday. If you have something on your mind, please share it here. I promise you, you won’t be alone!
Recently, a member of the Road Map to Healing program said she’d had an idea to write a letter to the child she never had, and she asked if I thought it was crazy.
Here’s what I told her (edited slightly to maintain her anonymity):
“Writing a letter isn’t crazy at all. One of the things that makes infertility grief so unique is that there is seldom a finite end to the journey. There’s almost always some option still open and the loss is more of a gradual moving away from the dream, rather than a sudden end. It makes it really hard to acknowledge the end and grieve that loss.
Doing something tangible, such as writing a letter, creates a kind of marker that says, “this is the end.” And the other ladies [in the program] are absolutely right about not being silent. If you need to find a time to be alone, close the door to your room, and just let it all out, do it. It’s exhausting, but it’s amazing how much grief you can purge with a good cry.”
I told her I would write a post on this topic so that you could share your experiences with creating an end to something that has none. So here it is.
In order to start moving on with your healing process, did you need to create an ending with something symbolic and meaningful to you? Please share any “crazy” ideas that helped you find a stopping place and begin coming to terms with your life without children.
Also, a new session of Road Map to Healing begins February 5th. There’s no cost to join the program, however I will be offering some additional opportunities to join support calls as well as work one-on-one with me. You can find out all about it here.
By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
“According to one of the biggest studies ever conducted into Britain’s relationships, childless couples have happier marriages.”
An article in The Telegraph highlights some of the findings of research conducted by the Open University (read the article here), and while I can’t offer any scientific facts of my own, I will say that I agree with the overall assessment.
Sometimes when people ask me why I don’t have children, I’m tempted to answer “Because I love my husband.” I’m sure that would ruffle feathers and incite all sorts of unwelcomed advice, but there’s truth in this statement. I love being able to focus all of my attention on him. I love taking care of him, making his favorite meals, and joining him in athletic activities we both enjoy. I love that on weekends we run errands and attend events together instead of going in opposite directions as we shuttle kids to their activities. I love that when he’s going through tough personal or professional challenges, I can devote my energy to supporting him. We are not divided or distracted by the needs of kids, and I think our relationship is stronger because of it.
On the flip side, we also had to endure some unhappiness about not having kids to get to this point, so I’m not sure how I would have answered had my family plans worked out as I’d planned. Maybe the answer is that we have to define and create are own brands of happiness, no matter what cards we’re dealt.
What do you think?
For more discussion on this topic, read the post “It Got Me Thinking…About Being Happier” from December 2012.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
You may have the Colby wildfire on the news and you may have seen the photo of the smoke cloud visible from space. If you could see underneath that cloud, you’d see me, sitting here with itchy eyes, a stuffed nose, and layer of soot on every flat surface in my house.
I’m very grateful I’m not in any danger from the fire itself, but I’m whining about the air that I’m breathing this week.
It is Whiny Wednesday. What’s got the corners of your frown turning down this week?
By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
Nine womb-less women in Sweden received transplants from relatives in hopes that they will be able to give birth to their own children.
Premise for a sci-fi blockbuster movie? Nope. True story. You can read the article here.
I read the article with mixed feelings. I felt so sad for the recipients, having a sense of what they’d been through to get to this point. I thought about the ethics and wondered if, maybe, their lack of wombs isn’t part of Nature’s plan for population control (yes, I know that’s not a nice thought, but it’s honest). I wondered who would put themselves through this crazy experimental procedure, then I thought about all of the women I know who would drink, inject, or believe anything in hopes of having their miracle babies. I wondered if I had been in their shoes, if I had the means and opportunity, would I have signed up?
Would you?
Maybe this will be the answer to so many women’s desires to have children, and I hope for the best possible outcome. At the same time, I fear what kind of new baby-making industry (and related scams) might result from success.
I hope women—and their partners—read the fine print and weigh the possible win with the possible side effects and risks: blood clots, high blood pressure, diabetes, some types of cancer, transplant rejection. I also found the closing line of the article chilling: “…there are no guarantees (that the women will have babies)…what is certain is that they are making a contribution to science.”
Both my husband and I had to have surgery in the last six months. We are lucky to be healthy, but I have to tell you, recovery was a bitch. Elective surgery? No way. Possibly sacrifice my health to contribute to science? Um, no. But to maybe have a baby? Maybe.
What do you think?
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
During the recent Polar Vortex that hit much of North America, I went for a walk at the beach. In a t-shirt. And broke a sweat.
There are many things to grumble about when you live in California—the traffic, the air quality, the lack of trees—but the weather isn’t one of them.
It’s Whiny Wednesday. I’m feeling pretty lucky this week. How about you? If there’s something on your chest, now’s the time to get it off.
By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
“Why don’t you like children?” “What are you waiting for?” “It’s not too late. I heard about a woman who was 46 and….”
I’ve heard so many variations on a theme, but this is the first time I’ve heard “Thank you” for choosing not to have children, with a long list of positive reasons.
Writer Abby Rosmarin works in childcare and has this to say about women who choose to be childfree (her post is published on Thought Catalog). I especially like and am encouraged by her line, “…you recognize that there are so many other ways to find love and meaning and joy in your life.”
This isn’t for everyone. But for those of us who made a choice—and for those of us who ultimately made a choice to stop the madness—I offer her kind perspective.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with being childfree.
It’s the first Whiny Wednesday of 2014 and it feels like weeks since we had the chance for a good vent.
If you’ve been saving up your holiday gripes, or if you have a shiny set of new gripes for this year, bring it on, my friends!
By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
As I get ready to embrace a fresh start this January—as I assemble my goals, state my intentions, dream, and plan for the months ahead—I’ve been thinking about how I might resolve some of my issues stemming from my journey to childfreeness, perhaps dissolve the last remnants of grief, and solve the mystery of what a beautiful Plan B might look like for me. Here are some of the tasks on my list:
There’s room on my list for other ideas, so I’d love to hear what you are planning for 2014.
Happy new year!
Freelance writer Kathleen Guthrie Woods feels humbled and privileged to be part of Life Without Baby’s community of extraordinary women.
On this, the first day of a brand new year, I’m sending good wishes your way.
I hope this year will be good to you, that it brings you peace, good health, and happiness. And if it throws in a little success and prosperity, even better.
I look forward to spending time with you here next year, to making new friends, and cheering on old ones. I hope you’ll meet some new people here, too, and know that, wherever you are on your journey, you’re not walking your path alone.
For those of you who’ve just about had enough of my sappy holiday messages, you’ll be glad to know that Whiny Wednesday will be back next week, so I hope you’ve saved up all your holiday gripes.
For now, I wish you all a very happy New Year.
~ Lisa
~ "a raw, transparent account of the gut-wrenching journey of infertility."
~ "a welcome sanity check for women left to wonder how society became so fixated on motherhood."
