Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Join the Movement…Changing Infertility’s Vocabulary

NIAWThis week is National Infertility Awareness Week and every year Bloggers Unite invites bloggers to write on a theme. This year’s theme, “Join the Movement…” got me thinking about how my vocabulary around infertility has changed over the past years and how this community has facilitated that change.

Before I discovered my own infertility, I knew very little about the topic. I’d heard of people who “had problems” and new about some of the medical advances that were being made. I didn’t know anyone who was infertile, so I made assumptions about what infertility was like. Some words that might have been in my vocabulary back then are:

Sadness

Blame

Desperation

Others

I was sure that infertility was something that happened to other people and would never happen to me, but life has a funny way of proving you wrong, and I soon expanded my vocabulary. My new words included:

Silence

Isolation

Frustration

Shame

I had no one to talk to. Infertility doesn’t make for polite dinner table conversation and even the most open-minded people find themselves at a loss for what to say, when the “I” word comes up. And we all know that oftentimes people say the most insensitive and unhelpful things just for the sake of saying something.

I think the most unexpected part of infertility was the complete and utter isolation I felt. I didn’t know were to turn, what questions to ask, and I certainly didn’t have a female peer who’d been through the experience and could share advice or support. I hung around for a while on some online forums, but anytime someone “graduated” and announced a pregnancy success, instead of feeling hopeful for my future, I felt like a big, fat loser. I added new words:

 Broken

Defective

Useless

Incomplete

If I was an outcast while I was trying and failing to get pregnant, I felt like a total pariah when I decided it was time to stop treatments and make peace with a life without children. Even though I knew it was right for my husband and me, I felt like I was giving up, that maybe I couldn’t have wanted it enough in the first place, that maybe the next time could be the time it worked, and that I was walking away when I’d been so close to success. And I felt as if I would have to defend that decision because no one would understand.

 Weak

Quitter

Selfish

Kid-hater

Then I started writing about my experience. I put aside my shame and silence, ignored the fact that I’m ordinarily a very private person and even something of an introvert. I started blogging and wrote a book and now I’ve found myself new vocabulary about infertility:

Community

Compassion

Healing

Support

 I’ve even added:

Friends

Laughter

Fulfillment

Normal

And that last one’s a biggie. Because of the wonderful women I’ve met through this site, I feel normal. I don’t feel ashamed; I’m not a loser, I’m not a quitter, and my life isn’t meaningless because I don’t have children. I’m just a woman who went through a bad experience and found a way to get through it intact.

So, if there’s a difference I’d like to make, it’s that we change the vocabulary around infertility, that we stop pointing fingers (especially at ourselves), and that the conversation about infertility outcomes openly includes the option of a life without children.

***

If you’re new this site, thanks for stopping by. The Bloggers Unite challenge for this year is to “talk about how you are making a difference in ways large and small in the lives of people with infertility.” So, here’s what we’re doing at Life Without Baby:

  • We are a community of beautiful and compassionate women from all over the world and we are childfree-not-by-choice.
  • We talk openly about coming-to-terms with not having children and share with one another support and advice.
  • We have a members-only forum where we can talk to one other securely and in privacy (and we’re over 1000 members-strong now, so there’s always something going on.)
  • We have a small but growing library of free resources, including books, guides, and videos.
  • We offer workshops and programs to deal with grief, healing, and the what’s next?.
  • We even get together in-person sometimes with our newfound friends.

If you’re trying to conceive right now, we’re probably the last people you want to hang out with, but should you decide to explore the childfree option, we’ll be here and you’re always welcome.

 ***

Join us for a free event:

Tuesday, May 7, 6:00pm PST

Letting Go of the Dream of Motherhood

How do you know when it’s time to let go of the dream of motherhood? How do you know if you’re ready to walk away and start coming-to-terms with a life without children.

In this free one-hour video discussion, I’ll talk about the desires and fears that keep us on the baby-making crazy train, and the desires and fears that can help us to step off.

You’ll have the opportunity to ask questions as well as talk to one another through a simultaneous chat function.

The group will be private and only open to registered participants, making it a safe place to talk about this difficult topic.

If you’d like to join me, please register here to receive access details and the follow-up recording, in case you can’t make it live.

I look forward to meeting you then.

Lisa

Register now.

***

 You can learn more about the disease of infertility and National Infertility Awareness Week at Resolve.org.

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It Got Me Thinking…About To Do Lists

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Back when I was planning a life with babies, I created two separate to do lists. List #1 was all the fun things I wanted to do while I was still footloose and fancy-free. At the time I was anticipating single motherhood, I didn’t want to have any regrets about what I would be sacrificing, so my list included indulgences such as reading the big classic books, watching all of Oscar’s Best Picture winners, and exploring different countries and sampling their wines.

List #2 included all the fun things I wanted to do with my children, such as teaching them how to make my gram’s Christmas coffee cake, singing songs around campfires, coaching their sports teams, and demonstrating the art of touching their noses with their tongues.

I cranked through List #1, confident that I was on my path. Aaah…but life is what happens when you’ve made other plans. When I realized that baby-making was not going to happen for me, List #2 became a source of great pain. It mocked me. And what made it even more unbearable was that for the first time in my life, I didn’t have a to do list and I didn’t know how to go about creating a new one.

It seemed at times that the fearless, focused, fired-up woman I used to be had gone into hiding. I missed the gal who had passion and drive, the dreamer who confidently made plans and optimistically pursued them. Who was this “new” woman and what did she want out of life?

I don’t have answers yet. I’m still in a weird limbo, knowing that all I need is a big dream to set my heart aflutter again, then I can go about creating List #3. Till then, my list looks something like this:

  • Pray
  • Listen to my heart
  • Follow my curiosity
  • Live in the now
  • Find joy in every day

Deep down I’m still that fearless gal, I just need to stretch my muscles and start using them again. And most of all, I need to trust that even if my life doesn’t follow my plans to a T, I will still experience something wonderful.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree.

 

Whiny Wednesday: Dependents

Whiny_WednesdayI just filed my taxes and once again put a big fat zero on the line for dependents.

My whine (surprisingly) isn’t that people with kids get a tax break and I don’t; it’s more to do with the IRS’s definition of “dependent.” My definition differs greatly from theirs.

That’s all I’m saying publicly on that topic, but know that I’m whining on the inside today.

It is Whiny Wednesday. What’s on your mind?

 

Asparagus in my Future

asparagus - pixabay.comLast month I did something I’ve been thinking about for years and which signified a real and definite change in my outlook on life. I planted an asparagus bed.

For those of you who aren’t horticulturally-inclined, planting an asparagus bed is kind of a big deal. Asparagus takes up a lot of space, with tall spreading plants. The plants don’t produce edible asparagus in the first year and have to be carefully tended and consistently watered to produce crisp, delicious spears the following year. With care, the plants will continue to produce year after year, but planting a bed means dedicating a large patch of garden and making a long-term commitment, which is why I haven’t done it before and why it’s so significant to me now.

So much in my life has been uncertain for so long that I’ve found it hard to make plans for a month in advance, let alone commit to a project that will take at least a year to come to fruition and will mean an ongoing commitment of many years. Ever since my future as a mother began to look uncertain, I haven’t been able to form a clear picture of how my life might look down the road.  Setting goals and making plans has felt pointless when I’ve no idea what my desired destination is anymore.

Although having a bed of homegrown asparagus isn’t exactly a fully-formed picture of my ideal life, and there is certainly a lot of fuzziness around the path my life will take now, my decision to commit to planting took forward planning and feels like the beginnings of commitment and permanence. It’s a step towards a positive future…and a very tasty future, at that.

It Got Me Thinking…About Reading Material

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I’m 26 pages into my book club’s selection for the month when I discover the novel is, in part, about finding a “cure” for infertility. Is there no escape? What the fruitcake?!

Miracle babies, a mother’s love for her child, a happy ending in the form of a pregnancy. Yeah, yeah, I get that the joys, challenges, and heartbreaks of parenting are parts of life. But they aren’t part of my life. And while I acknowledge that I am possibly a wee bit oversensitive when it comes to these topics, I am also feeling over-inundated by mommy-focused stories on the news, in magazines, in movies, and all around me. When it comes to the books that I choose to read, I should be able—and allowed—to avoid them.

So I’m returning this particular book to the library and debating whether or not to attend the discussion. Meanwhile, I need some suggestions for great reads. I like adventure, mystery, and history. I love a strong female heroine and a narrative that has some humor. I can get lost in stories that include travel, cooking, interesting characters, and challenges overcome. Fiction or nonfiction, I devour both.

There are two book groups in our Life Without Baby community, and I’ve taken note of their suggestions. Check them out at LWB Book Club and Book Lovers. Now I need yours. Read any good books lately? Let me try that again: Read any good books that have nothing to do with babies or mommydom lately? If so, give us your recommendations in a comment.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree (and the irony of this post is not lost on her).

 

What a Difference Three Letters Makes

Maybe BabyBy Maybe Lady Liz

Coming to the end of my three and a half mile torture session on the treadmill, I found a final burst of energy when what I thought was going to be an incredibly uplifting commercial came on. It was for Walt Disney World (hey, I watch soap operas – I’m just glad when it’s not a diaper commercial) and featured a mid-thirties-ish couple having a real blast by themselves. It went through a litany of things that people without kids can enjoy when thinking about planning a spontaneous trip to the Happiest Place on Earth…

No homework to check…

No school vacations to work around…

No photos with Mickey…

It finished by introducing them as “Mark and Natalie with no kids…” over an image of them looking madly in love at a romantic dinner. Just as I’m thinking, “Whoa, Disney – way to go on representing the childless and the Childfree!”, they drop their three-letter bomb:

YET.

*Sigh* I went from being totally jazzed about how such a mainstream company had the forethought to be inclusive of the 20 percent of us who don’t have kids, to being totally bummed by the realization that we’re probably a long ways away from that.

Needless to say, I hopped off the treadmill and immediately made myself a martini.

Maybe Lady Liz is blogging her way through the decision of whether to create her own Cheerio-encrusted ankle-biters, or remain Childfree. You can follow her through the ups and downs at MaybeBabyMaybeNot.com.

It Got Me Thinking…About Story Time: Part II

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

Last fall I shared with you that my nephew’s first grade teacher had invited aunts and uncles to be “mystery readers” for the students. (Read the original post here.) The big day has come and gone, and I wanted to tell you that it was everything I’d expected…and less.

I ended up choosing one of my favorite stories, “Atalanta” by Betty Miles. Since the book I have only has two pictures, I decided instead of reading to them, I would invite the students to act out the story with me. Together we posed like the proud king and clever princess, ran in a great race, sounded the trumpets, and cheered with the crowds. I’m not sure the feminist theme of the story got through to anyone (it’s about a princess choosing for herself who she will marry—or if she will choose to marry at all), but I think they all had fun.

I had fun. I practiced for weeks, perfecting my lines, working out character voices and sound effects, pausing for dramatic effect. My husband helped me rehearse in the car and in our living room till I had every beat memorized, because my greatest fear was that I’d get caught up in the performance, lose my place in the story, and muck it all up.

Actually that wasn’t my biggest fear. I’ve had a lot of experience with public speaking and live theater performances, so I knew I’d be fine once I got started (and I’m pretty sure I nailed every bit). What I actually feared the most was that I would be a bucket of weepy emotions. All those sweet faces looking up at me, all the innocent questions and funny comments. The rush of painful reality that I would never have a cute 6-year-old of my own with whom to share my favorite stories. I imagined getting teary-eyed in the classroom or curling up in the back seat of my car for a sob fest afterwards or going home and drowning my sorrows in a bottle of limoncello.

I was fine. One cute thing asked “Are you Jake’s mommy?” and I answered, “Nope, I’m his Aunt Kath.” That was easy.

At the end of the storytelling, I asked the students about the books they were reading, I answered questions about my dog (who so needs his own Facebook page), and then Jake invited me to walk with him to his after-school program. He reached for my hand, and together we crossed the playground. I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel lonely. I felt lucky. Lucky to have such a sweet boy in my life, lucky that I live nearby and can be part of his growing-up years, lucky that I have the time and opportunity to do things like be a mystery reader for him and his classmates.

I also am very lucky that Jake’s little brother will be in this class in just two years. I’m already thinking about which story I’ll share with him.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up a memoir about how her experience as a temporary single mommy to her nephew helped her make peace with her childfree status.

 

Whiny Wednesday: Wacky Weather

Whiny_WednesdayThis week’s whine is on behalf of those of you living in places where Spring has not yet sprung.

I was sitting out in my backyard in short sleeves last weekend, but this week I’m visiting my Mum in England and am wading through ten inches of snow. Ten inches and it’s almost April! The weather has gone completely mad.

It’s Whiny Wednesday, so feel free to let loose on whatever’s bothering you this week.

It Got Me Thinking…About Games Grownups Play

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

One of the great ironies of my life is that I develop, market, and advertise products and services for kids and their families. Funny, right?

The tricky part is that I sometimes worry that I might lose out on a great job because I’m not a parent and am therefore subject to the misconception that I can’t possibly know what I’m talking about. And so I play The Game.

I’ve mastered many of the skills of The Game. I dodge pointed questions about my family makeup. I deflect, I bob and weave, I jump to the next topic. I nod with understanding when colleagues moan about parenting challenges, and I speak with authority about kids and what they want. I’m certain many people assume that I have a houseful of my own. Quite the contrary, but I don’t want a potential client to dismiss me or my input because I’m deemed less experienced.

And here’s what’s interesting: I think part of the reason I am so good at my job is because I don’t have children of my own. Because I don’t have to be responsible for any little guys, I’m better able to play with them, to get down to their level, to talk as equals. I have time and energy to interact with them, to really listen to them and discover how their amazing growing brains work.

I’m always blown away when the ol’ “You don’t understand because you’re not a mom” insult is lobbed my way. It hurts like hell, and I think the person saying it is clueless. I think my unique childfree experiences make me a better auntie, a better friend to humans of all ages, and an insightful and inspired writer.

But I’m also starting to wonder if I’ve become so good at hiding behind the smoke and mirrors of The Game that I’m missing opportunities to open hearts and minds. I’m starting to think that winning will feel a whole lot better when I’m accepted and acknowledged for who I am and all that I bring to the table. I’m thinking that maybe it’s time to rewrite the rules of The Game and start over.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree.