Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday: Equality

Whiny_WednesdayI don’t usually get political on this blog, but the recent Marriage Equality discussions have been pushing my buttons. I am strongly pro-gay marriage and am often dumbfounded by the arguments cited by opponents.

 

One morning last week, I heard someone on the radio saying (and I’m paraphrasing) that the constitution supported equality for like situations, and gay marriage and heterosexual marriage could never be equal because of the inability for gay couples to reproduce.

 

This pushes two of my buttons:

 

1)   As part of a straight couple who cannot reproduce, I take extreme exception to this suggestion that a marriage is only acceptable when it produces children.

2)   I know several gay couples who have reproduced via sperm donor, surrogate, or adoption. Is this person then suggesting that any marriage—gay or straight—that doesn’t produce children “naturally” falls into the category of unacceptable? Surely not.

 

It’s Whiny Wednesday. I’m on fire this week. What’s pushing your buttons?

Guest Post: Becoming Disillusioned

Woman reflecting in mirrorBy Solo Girl 

Once in a while I’ll respond to posts on Life Without Baby, and I think I often come across as bitter and angry.  It’s been 4 years since the last nail in the Mommy coffin was slammed into place, and the truth is I am still bitter and angry and hurt and disillusioned about this new reality.  Life Without Baby is the only place I can share those feelings, and I thank Lisa from the bottom of my soul for providing this outlet.

In my every day public existence I am smiling and moving on and enjoying the life that is left to me.  I am congratulating sisters and cousins on their new pregnancies/babies and even buying them baby shower gifts.  I fill my life with charity work and dogs and good friends and family that go out of their way to visit me and help me around the house.  I am no longer staring at the wall, feeling my heart die in slow motion.  My purpose in life was to be a Mother.  Of that I am sure.  With the help of women like Lisa and Savvy Auntie I am now able to go about my daily routine again and even create a new life for myself where I actually smile.

But am I thankful?  Am I thankful that this is my life now?  No.  There is no word I resent more in the English language than ‘thankful’.  Do I feel that it’s a blessing?  Or worse, that ‘things happen for a reason’?  I want to punch people in the face who say that.    So there’s that bitterness and anger again.

For those of you just coming to terms with this reality, my heart goes out to you, and I hold out my arm for you to hold onto.  You WILL get through this.  You CAN smile again.  And I know from women like Lisa that you will build a happy life in time.  Keep reading; you will find healing words in these pages.

Solo Girl lives on her own with her 2+ dogs in Ontario, Canada.  She focuses her time on volunteer work and fostering rescue dogs.

It Got Me Thinking…About Unfriending

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

Due to some unfortunate security issues, I recently had to “unfriend” several “friends” and business acquaintances from my personal Facebook page. I sent individual messages to each person to explain that this would be happening and express my hope that this wouldn’t cause any hard feelings. It wasn’t a fun process.

But, when it was all done, I found it was rather liberating. Friends-of-friends-of-friends and coworkers-of-coworkers who really had no business being in my personal business were removed, leaving me with a smaller circle of real friends, people with whom I actually want to keep in touch.

And it got me thinking about other things I’d like to unfriend. Like entertainment shows that consider having a baby newsworthy, magazines for mothers that masquerade as magazines for “women,” and books (typically classics) that feature a female character who has gone insane because she couldn’t give her husband children.

While I’m at it, I wouldn’t mind temporarily unfriending anyone who relays in great detail their baby’s smallest developments (“She pooped!”) and skipping over the royal pregnancy (I mean, congratulations and good luck to the Prince and Duchess, but spare me the nine months of “news”).

This could, of course, get out of control, and I could find myself friendless, but it has some appeal, doesn’t it? You tell me: What would you like to unfriend this week?

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Infertility Girl

typewriterLast month I interviewed author Jennie Nash about her new novel, Perfect Red. Before she was known as a fiction writer, Jennie wrote a book about her battle with breast cancer. The Victoria’s Secret Catalog Never Stops Coming is a wonderful book and has been a big success for Jennie, but she doesn’t talk about it much anymore. “I didn’t want to be “Cancer Girl” anymore, she says.

When I meet new people, they usually ask one of two questions: “Do you have kids?” or “What do you do for a living.” Eventually either of these two questions leads to the same awkward conversation about Infertility Girl.

When people ask me what I do for a living, I happily tell them I’m a writer. The next question is always, “Oh, what do you write?” Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly strong and confident, or if the person feels like an empathetic type, I’ll tell them about my book and this site, and that I write a lot about coming-to-terms with not having children. More often than not, I find myself offering a blurry answer about writing articles for websites, which is also true, but not the whole truth.

It’s not that I’m ashamed of what I do or the subject on which I write. It’s just that I don’t want my childlessness to be the first thing people know about me. I don’t want to become Infertility Girl.

When people ask me what I do for a living, I want to be able to tell them “I’m a novelist.” The only problem with this is that I’ve yet to finish a publishable novel. (And any of you writers out there will probably read between the lines that I have two full and two half manuscripts hidden in a drawer, not yet fit to see the light of day.)

So, a decision has been made. I need to finish my novel. This year. And get it published. Which means something’s got to give.

So, beginning this week, I’ll be posting to the blog only three days a week instead of five. Look out for me on Mondays and Whiny Wednesday on Wednesdays (I wouldn’t dare take that away!) Kathleen’s It Got Me Thinking… column will move to Fridays and there will still be guest bloggers making appearances at various times.

I’ll admit I considered starting a new blog about writing a novel, but even I could see the futility of cutting back on one blog to make time for writing, only to start up another blog! Just know that I’ll be taking notes for the future.

Is Life Without Baby going away? Heck, no. It’s just playing nice and sharing brain space with something new, and giving Infertility Girl the chance be Novel Girl as well.

Happy 3rd Blogiversary

cakeTomorrow marks the third blogiversary of Life Without Baby! Three years ago, I sat on the patio of a little café in Wine Country, I ordered a dozen oysters and a glass of sparkling wine, and I wrote my first blog post. My, how time has flown.

For the sake of my health I am writing this post from the couch in my office and drinking tea rather than champagne, but it’s fun to reflect back on the past three years and see how far the blog has come, and how far I have come on my own journey.

I’m thinking of all the people who’ve come and gone from the blog over the years, those who’ve stayed, and those who’ve become good friends. I’m thinking about the 808 posts, 359, 577 visits, and 5,594 comments that the blog has accrued, and it makes me smile.

So, maybe it is cause to crack open the champagne after all. In fact, I’ve decided to throw a party to celebrate. And as with any good party, there’ll be presents.

If you’d like your very own copy of my book, I’m Taking My Eggs and Going Home: How One Woman Dared to Say No to Motherhood (or you’d like to give one to someone else) you download a free copy in whichever e-format you like from Smashwords. Just use the coupon code EJ59W.

In addition, several people have expressed an interest in the new Road Map to Healing program, but don’t have the resources to pay, so I’m also offering a Pay-What-You-Can donation option. Registration is normally $159, but this weekend you can sign up for whatever amount you can afford to pay (although, I’m asking that you consider a donation of at least $30.)

You can learn more about that program here, then if you’d like to enroll, please use this link, not the registration link on that page. 

Both these presents are only available for the blogiversary weekend only, so if you want to get yours, please do so before the end of Sunday.

Oh, and if you’d like to bring your own blogiversary present to the party, the best thing you could give me would be to write a glowing review for my book on Amazon.  It’s about the most valuable gift a writer could ask for.

So, thanks for all your support these past three years, and I do hope you’ll get yourself a present to celebrate.

I am Not Made of Glass

broken glassBy Just Jinny

I found out some great news this weekend. One of my very good friends is finally pregnant. She and her husband have been trying and trying. So I was thrilled and over the moon to find out that it has finally happened for them.

The news also brought to light another issue. How others expect me to handle the news of another pregnancy. Dealing with infertility sort of puts you in a position of always “handling” the fact that someone else is pregnant and you are not.

My friend, bless her heart, was nearly in tears sharing her happy news with me. It’s a bittersweet thing. She didn’t want to hurt me. I get that and I love her for it. And when I shared the news with my mom I could see the concern in her eyes as well. It got me thinking about how others might expect me to react to the news that someone else is pregnant. I wanted to help other people understand what it feels like for me to deal with these emotions.

I am not the type of person to cause a scene. I’m not going to fly off the handle in anger, or in a rage, or in a sobbing heap on the floor. That’s not to say that I don’t get angry, or cry like a baby…I just usually do it in the privacy of my own home. Being constantly depressed, sad, or mad about my “condition” isn’t an option for my state of mind. For me, the only option I have is to be OKAY and to keep going. Some people might think that makes me strong. For me, it’s just my reality. I don’t break down. I don’t give up.

But, I’ve been trying to think of a proper analogy to relate how I do feel when finding out about someone being pregnant. I want other people to be able to try and understand. And I found the perfect example!

Finding out that someone else is pregnant is like having a Charlie horse. It sort of creeps up on you, and then for just a few moments the pain gets so intense that you can’t move. You think it will never go away or get better and that your world will never again be anything but you curled up in bed with that pain. But then the pain does start to lessen, and gradually it fades away until finally you feel normal again.

That is exactly what it feels like for me. Of course, I feel a little pinch in my heart. Of course, I may be a little down and pensive for a moment. It’d be weird if the news didn’t affect me somehow. But, this thing, this infertility thing, will never bring me down for good. Childless or not, I am blessed and highly favored. I have a wonderful life, with a wonderful husband, pets, family, and friends. Infertility will never, ever beat me. And any pregnancy will be celebrated as it deserves to be. Every child is a blessing, even if it’s not mine.

Just Jinny lives in the wilds of West Texas in a love cottage with her rockstar husband, two dogs, and two cats. She blogs about her daily musings at A Girl in the Real World.

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_WednesdayCan I just say that just because I work from my home office doesn’t mean I have more free time than people who work more traditional jobs with more traditional hours? It doesn’t mean I’m the natural choice for volunteer errands. And it doesn’t mean I’m the right person to go and pick up a baby shower gift for someone else.

That’s all I’m saying on this topic, but it’s Whiny Wednesday, so please feel free to be as verbose as you like about your whines.

It Got Me Thinking… About Beauty Tips

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I am so annoyed right now. Just got forwarded a link to “mommy blogger beauty tips,” and guess what? Every tip I looked at (before I stopped myself) applies to non-mommies too. (“Drink plenty of water”? Yeah, that’s original.)

What is the problem with calling this campaign “beauty tips for all women”? WAKE UP, you marketing “geniuses”! By targeting your products and advertisements to mommies only, you make me want to run to your competitors. I have more money and more time to spend on my beauty regime than a busy stay-at-home mother has, so you do the math.

Let me repeat: I, a childfree woman with a healthy salary and free time to follow morning and evening beauty routines, am boycotting you.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She’s tired of being ignored by mommy-centric media. 

Silly Dancing and Other Childish Behavior

dancing in fieldHave you ever wanted to dance for absolute no good reason? This feeling has been creeping up on me a lot recently.

Sometimes I feel trapped in my adult body and my grown-up brain. Part of me wants to break free from my stiff ankles and sore lower back and just do a silly dance. Part of me wants to let go of my dignity and decorum and run the risk of being seen to “show off.”

Is this childish or just childlike?

There’s a part of me that’s always been a bit of a rebel, albeit a law-abiding rebel. And lately that rebel inside wants to throw off the mantle of respectability, discard expectations of middle age, ignore the assessing eyes of the well-behaved and the socially compliant.

If I was a parent I would have to be socially compliant; I’d have to be well-behaved. Yes, there are many badly-behaved parents in the world, but nobody thinks much of them. Parents are supposed to be good.

But I’m not a parent, so do I have to behave?

That rebel inside me wants to dance. It wants be a little bit naughty. My rebellious inner child wants to come out to play again, and I’m not sure there’s any reason she shouldn’t.

My inner rebel wants to feel the syncopated rhythm of a life well-lived.

What about you? Does your inner child want to come out to play?