Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

To Shower or Not To Shower

During August, as I enjoy some travel time, I’m sharing some of my favorite and your favorite posts from the past year. I’ll look forward to seeing you again in September. ~Lisa

Today’s post was originally run on 4/29/13

invitation - pixabayBy Solo Girl 

I have a large extended family; we have to rent a hall on Boxing Day so we can all get together.  And now all those sisters and female cousins are newly married and reproducing.  Every time a baby shower comes up I’m invited, and I wrestle with myself over whether or not I should be able to go yet.

I’ve always been supportive and encouraging with my family, happy to celebrate in another’s happiness.  It’s been four many years since my dream died, and I get the sense that I’m expected to be “over it” by now.

Unsure and not wanting family to think I’m selfish or emotionally immature, I went to a cousin’s baby shower about a year ago.  I mentally prepared myself ahead of time.  For example, I’m terrified of flying, but I know that there is lift-off, food, a movie and a landing, and then it’s done.  I thought about how there would be food, presents and games at this shower, and then it would be done.  I thought to myself “I should be able do this, even my own Mom is expecting me to go.”

I thought the worst part would be the games, but I was wrong.  It was the chitchat.  I actually got stuck between my mother and a cousin having a conversation on the couch about how all the women in our family have long labors.  Seriously.  When I got home I wrote myself a note in black marker and stuck it on my kitchen pin board where it still remains today:  “You never have to go to another baby shower ever again.  No one will notice; no one will care.  It’s torturous.  Don’t Go.  Don’t feel guilty”.

But a year later I still get shower invites and I continue to question whether I am – or should be – ready to attend now.  And I want to know, is it ever going to be something I can attend?  And what can I tell my family that will help them understand how painful it is to attend without sounding like I’m feeling sorry for myself after all this time?  They have high expectations of me, and I really do think they mean well.  I was in a deep depression four years ago, and I think they are trying to make me normal again.  I think.

I’m glad Irina Vodar is producing a documentary on the subject of infertility that some helpful social norms will come of it.

How do you handle these situations?

Solo Girl lives on her own with her 2+ dogs in Ontario, Canada.  She focuses her time on volunteer work and fostering rescue dogs.

You’re Not Alone: The Things People Say

During August, as I enjoy some travel time, I’m sharing some of my favorite and your favorite posts from the past year. I’ll look forward to seeing you again in September. ~Lisa 

Today’s post was originally run on 2/28/13

 

shhhBy SparklingRain

Much as I wish to be able to say that I am my own best advocate, sometimes other people’s words would fly into my ears and get lodged in the corners of my heart. There are also times, when against my logic, I would lie awake and think of each of these words, trying to figure out why exactly they hurt so much.

You see, I married the love of my life exactly two months before I turned 34, and this alone was enough for some people to judge me “too old to start having children”.  In the subsequent 5 years of our marriage, when it was clear as day that no child was on the way/on the floor/in our arms, I built a collection of bizarre comments, proof that people can be ruthless with their words.

Here are some of the comments I have collected so far:

  1. From a 53 year-old female colleague:  “Those not blessed with children simply do not have the capacity to handle such big responsibility. You just have to realize that and count your blessing.”
  2. From a 40–something brother-in-law: “So, what’s the deal here? When are you having a child? I know; you’ll wait until your hair turns white, right?”
  3. From 73 year-old mother-in-law (who already has 9 grandchildren from husband’s 4 siblings), on the day I got my PhD: “Of course she can finish school. She does not have children.”
  4. From a 33 year-old female colleague to whom I regrettably confided that we might have male factor infertility: “So have you really accepted the fact that you’ll be childless forever? Why don’t you persuade your husband to get some treatments? Oh I know, you two are too old anyway, right?”
  5. (Same person as no.1): “Having children at your age is just so risky; you’d better stay childless unless you want children with severe ailments.”
  6. From a 60-something female ob-gyn whom I saw once for a regular check-up unrelated to infertility: “Are you sure you don’t want any children? I’ve known people who, in their old age, regret not pursuing fertility treatments.”

My husband, bless him, has the clear logic not to process these kinds of comments in his brain.  I have been trying to follow his example, but I don’t always succeed.  I am a naturally happy person and I certainly don’t carry the world’s burden on my shoulders.  However, comments like the ones above sometimes creep too far into my brain and darken my world.

I know it is up to me whether or not to let others’ ruthless words to affect me.  What I didn’t know was that it might take years before I can gracefully let rude comments slide. I also suspect people will comment without thinking 99% of the time, so I will be in a dark place 99% of the time too, unless I can truly make peace with our childlessness. Which, unfortunately, is not so easy in reality.

Therefore, as for now, whenever a rude comment is thrown my way and I can handle it without punching the offender in the mouth, I allow myself to celebrate.  Celebrations have so far include buying myself new lipsticks, and um, nice clothes.

Please tell me that it in time the comments will disappear/ I will grow a nice thick protective hide/ things will be okay. Meanwhile, somebody just asked whether my marriage was still intact despite the years of childlessness; I think I ought to go and buy myself a nice new bag.

SparklingRain lives with her husband and several outdoor cats in Indonesia. She blogs at  “As Fictional As the Truth.”

It Got me Thinking…About Family Options

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I was really excited about a book I read recently, a humorous look at life that lauded women’s progress in the working world*. But then. In the last several chapters, the author focused on the trials and joys of being a working wife and mom. As I skimmed back over previous pages, I noticed that she talked about her friends and colleagues and their struggles as working moms, but nowhere did she mention anything about the women (and men) who cover for them while they’re all out on maternity leave. In her discussion about families, the closest she got to including any other kind of family (such as one that resembled my own) was an offhanded remark about a gay couple and their dog.

Now I don’t like to get all politically correct about things, but I would like to open her eyes to other family options. I’d like to introduce her to my neighborhood where retirees are raising their grandchildren, former and new spouses are setting aside their differences to co-parent, cultures and languages converge, couples (gay and straight) live with their adopted and foster children, and couples and single people without children are right in the mix. The old Norman Rockwell model of all-white families comprised of one man, his wife, and their two children is neither the majority nor the norm.

Along with the strides women have made it the world, I think our new definition of “family” is also something to celebrate.

 

*Can’t recommend the book (for the reasons noted above), but also don’t want to pan it, so I’m not going to mention the title.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree.

 

Nobody Puts Fur Baby in a Corner

Maybe BabyBy Maybe Lady Liz

For those of us without kids, our pets are our children. For those of us who are also insane, our best friends’ animals are essentially our nieces and nephews. We sometimes send them Christmas cards from “Auntie Lizard”, or even draw paw prints as signatures for “Cousin Jacques & Cousin Olivia”. I’m not describing all this to frighten you (though I can only assume I have). I’m merely trying to set the stage for my level of emotional attachment to my best friend’s two cats. And my shock and sadness when she told me she’s getting rid of them because she’s afraid they might not be good around her not-yet-one-year-old daughter.

Before she had a child, her cats received an embarrassing amount of attention. Cuddling and smooching sessions that would have prompted passersby to suggest they get a room. She freely referred to them as her babies and we talked about what wrecks we’d be when our cats eventually passed away. She was the only person in my life who was also considering not having kids, and I assumed we’d grow into crazy old cat ladies together. So imagine my surprise when I went to visit her earlier this year to meet the (unexpected) baby and see the new house, only to find that the cats had been relegated to little more than a nuisance. If they hopped on her lap, they were swiftly brushed off. If they did something she formerly found quirky, it was now supremely annoying.

I knew things had changed, but I can’t say I wasn’t still completely blown away to find out in an email last week that she was getting rid of them. In addition to being afraid they would scratch the baby (though nothing of the sort had yet happened), her main reason was simply that they weren’t getting the attention they deserved. Which, silly me, seemed like a rather easily remedied problem. She was a stay-at-home-mom and spent far more time in proximity to the cats than most pet owners who left every day for work. Was there truly not enough love to go around? Not enough energy to extend an arm and give them a nice scratch under the chin? No room on the couch to let them curl up on your lap during a movie? A spare two minutes for a rousing game of Red Dot?

I know parents will tell me that I just don’t get it since I don’t have kids. And I guess…they’d be right.

Maybe Lady Liz is blogging her way through the decision of whether to create her own Cheerio-encrusted ankle-biters, or remain Childfree. You can follow her through the ups and downs at MaybeBabyMaybeNot.com.

It Got Me Thinking…About Balanced News

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

First I scan the headlines of the breaking news. If something catches my eye, I might read the whole article. Then I return to the home page and glance through the categories: local, entertainment, opinion, food, living…. What the fruitcake? Four out of the five featured stories in the “living” section are about parenting!

I’ve somewhat resigned myself to the reality that “women’s” magazines are thinly veiled publications for “mommies,” but this is getting ridiculous. With a category as broad as “living,” possible topics are limitless. How about profiles of people doing good works, stories about working stiffs who ditched “secure” corporate jobs and pursued their passions to great success, hidden gems for travelers, or tips on how to make a house/apartment/trailer a welcoming home?

For just a moment I’m tempted to write a letter to the editor. But you know what, I think I’d rather spend my free time pursuing the art of living fully.

Still, I’m frustrated. I like keeping up-to-date on news, styles, etc., and I’d really like to avoid the baby-bump updates.

If you subscribe to a printed or online periodical that is balanced in its coverage, leave a comment and let us know.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

 

It Got Me Thinking…About Curiosity

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received is “Follow your curiosity.”

The story, as I recall it, was that Elizabeth Gilbert was working on her follow-up book to Eat, Pray, Love when she got stuck. That’s stuck as in missing deadlines stuck. The more she tried to make it work, the more panic-stricken she became, which made her even more stuck in miserable stuckness. A friend suggested she set the project aside and follow her curiosity, so for several months she focused on her garden*. She planted, weeded, pruned, harvested, until one day inspiration blossomed and she went back to her desk and finished the book.

I use a variation of this when I hit blocks in my own work. Not quite to this extent, but with short breaks to rest my mind while I do something totally different, like going for a walk in the park or practicing a new trick with my dog. Some of my best creative solutions have come to me when I’ve completely given up and decided to take a long-overdue shower. Bam!

And I have started to think that curiosity can play a part in my healing process. As I grieve the loss of my dreams of motherhood and family, I sometimes get really stuck. I can’t figure out what to do with the next week let alone the rest of my life. Do I focus on my career? Do I become my community’s most giving volunteer? Do I challenge myself to break the marathon record for my age group?

Right. All of these seem so big and lofty (and not all that much fun), and I’m not ready to commit to any of them. But I can do something small. I can sign up for a one-day knitting workshop or a five-week Italian conversation class. I can purchase Miles Davis’ Kind of Blue and listen until I understand why everyone considers it one of the greatest albums of all time. I could pick a particular era or event in history and read up on it, or I could rent one of Ken Burns’ documentary series and learn about prohibition, the American civil war, or the Central Park Five. I might select three cookbooks at my library and experiment until I create the perfect chocolate cream pie.

Wine tasting, photography, classic Russian novels…whatever I choose to explore, I hope it engages me enough that I get out of my head and heart for a bit. And who knows, maybe I’ll discover a new passion and direction in the process.

What are you curious about?

*By the way, I noticed in her bio that Ms. Gilbert has a new book coming out this fall. The Signature of All Things is described as “a sprawling tale of 19th-century botanical exploration.”

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status. 

Fitting In

puzzle-63626_640By Geneva Fox

I have been thinking about “fitting in” lately.  I have accepted that I do not fit into society’s conventions.  Most of the time, I am fine with that.  Sometimes, I am reminded of this fact with such force that I feel as if all of the air has been sucked out of me.  This usually occurs when I am reminded of my former life as a wife who desperately wanted to be a mother.

Several days ago, I was having a conversation with my friend about some problems a mutual acquaintance was having with his children.  My well-meaning friend said: “And you want that?!  You’re lucky you don’t have kids!”  When she saw the look on my face she asked me if I had considered adoption.  In my former life, I had not only considered it, but I had pursued it.  I have asked myself again and again what that dream was all about. Why did I hold onto my marriage after so many colossal deceptions by my ex husband?  Most important, why would I even consider adopting a child with him when I knew in my gut he was lying about having read the parts of the books I had marked for him about the adoption process and transracial adoption?  These are the answers that I have come up with:

1) There is a deep urge in my soul to be a mother that I cannot explain even to myself. That urge is now a whisper and a shadow of what it once was.

2) My ex husband was my first love. I believe in true love.  I wanted to believe he would change if I did.  That was a huge mistake.

3) I wanted desperately to be normal, to fit in.  I wanted to be married, own a home, and have children in order to be like every one else.  I had not ever had this experience and I wanted it very badly.  Giving up the pursuit of that life is the hardest thing that I have ever done.

These are the facts about me: I am 44 and childless.  I live with my mother and my boyfriend who is 13 years older than me in a double-wide trailer that is in need of many repairs.  I own a business.  I am a full time college student.  From an outsider’s point of view I am sure my life could seem pretty dim.  It does not fit.

This is my truth: I am happy.  I feel comfortable in my own skin.  On most days I have a great deal of serenity.  I don’t worry about my future.  I no longer stress about my finances.  I am madly in love with my boyfriend. I love who I am on the inside and most of who I am on the outside.  I do not doubt that I deserve the best.  I do my very best to be of service in all situations and relationships everyday.  I am kind.  I enjoy living immensely!

In regards to fitting in, As Dr. Wayne Dyer said: “The road most traveled is one that will allow you to fit in and feel accepted, but it will never allow you to make a difference.”

Perhaps the greatest gift we can give the world is giving up fitting in and taking the path that truly belongs to us.  If I am able to make even a small difference on my path through the world then I am truly living life to the fullest!

Geneva Fox is embracing her childfree status. She is a business owner, full time college student, and writer. She leads a beautiful life with her boyfriend, family, and friends in Ruckersville, VA.  Her blog, “A Beautiful Life” is at GenevaFox.wordpress.com

It Got Me Thinking…About Is She or Isn’t She?

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I am constantly on the lookout for cheros, that’s heros who happen to be childfree. When I explore different countries and cultures, I want to know if the groundbreaker I’m learning about juggled raising children with making history. When I’m in a museum, I note names of female painters who intrigue me, then I google them when I get home, hoping to discover they devoted their lives to creating masterpieces instead of babies. I want to find women like me who have lived amazing lives (sans children) and can inspire me to do the same. So when a phenomenal woman makes the news, I want to know: Is she or isn’t she…childfree?

That’s why I got really excited when I first heard about Julia Pierson, the first female head of the Secret Service.

I found out about Pierson’s recent appointment in a post by Marcy Twete, the founder of Career Girl Network. (Read the post here here.) As the head of the Secret Service, Pierson will oversee the offices that protect the president of the United States and address national security issues ranging from identity theft to terrorism. Pierson comes to the office with more than 30 years experience, having started her career as a law enforcement officer, and she’s more than up to the tasks of her new position. A woman in charge? This is a big deal!

I went in search of more information about Pierson and found her official bio. (Read it here.) Yes, I wanted to know about her background, but really I wanted to know if she was on my “team”. Could she be a role model for me? Could she be a chero?

Spoiler alert coming…. Turns out there’s no mention whatsoever of a spouse or offspring in her bio. At first I was surprised because including family details is the norm, but then I got to thinking: This is the way it should be. A professional bio should be about a woman’s—or a man’s—professional experience and achievements. Period. Is she? Isn’t she? Doesn’t matter!

This makes it possible for us to appreciate all phenomenal people for who they are and what they do, and I celebrate this.

P.S. Twete also notes that there is some serious girl power going on since Pierson will be reporting to Janet Napolitano, head of Homeland Security. Janet Napolitano, by the way—chero! Go, team!

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

 

Familia de Dos – Family of Two

shadow couple - pixabayBy Lorena de Quinto 

Continuing the effort to share resources in other languages, this week I’d like to introduce Lorena de Quinto and her Spanish-language blog, Familia de Dos (Family of Two.)

Somos una familia de dos.  Empecé a escribir con la finalidad de compartir la lucha personal y la bendición de ser una pareja infértil.  Quiero compartirles mi viaje personal, el cual aún  no ha concluido del todo.  Un viaje que para nosotros, fue y es guidado por la mano amorosa de Dios.  El es el Único que nos ha sostenido fuertemente en medio de la tormenta y la calma en este viaje de ser una familia-de-dos.

Les comparto un poco de nuestra historia: Mi esposo y yo estamos pronto a cumplir 12 años de casados. Nos casamos en Abril del 2001.  Actualmente, él tiene 39 años y yo 38.  En nuestro tercer año de casado nos percatamos de que teníamos infertilidad no-explicada: habíamos pasado ya por todos los tests básicos, los cuales mostraban que no había nada raro ni malo en nosotros.  Simplemente no nos podíamos embarazar.  Así, con esto en mente, de que todo estaba bien y nada estaba mal, iniciamos nuestro arduo viaje.  Si sólo era cuestión de esperar, entonces pronto llegarían.  Pero,  ¿qué había sucedido? Éramos buenos Cristianos, o al menos intentábamos serlo.  Estábamos sirviendo en una comunidad cristiana.  Y estábamos seguros de que nuestros hijos llegarían en cualquier momento, ya que esto siempre sucede en aquellos matrimonios que creen en Dios, como la “promesa bendita”, la “recompensa”.   Bueno, finalmente, después de años de intentarlo, estábamos viendo que no siempre sucedía así.  En SU MENTE, hay un plan perfecto para cada pareja (Romanos 8,28).  Sin embargo, aceptar esto nos ha llevado muchos años.  Saben, no es fácil cuando todas las parejas a tu alrededor, parejas de amigos que se casaron en el mismo año que tú, se embarazaron inmediatamente.  Sí, nuestros amigos más cercanos se embarazaron en su luna de miel.

Casi nadie entiende lo que está sucediéndote.  Todos quieren opinar, todos creen tener la respuesta, en fin.  Hay un ambiente complicado, de incomprensión alrededor de un matrimonio infértil (es muy duro sentirse solo y aislado).  Creo que ni ellos están listos ni nosotros para vivir con la etiqueta de infertilidad.

Después de algunos años, tratando de encontrar un lugar perfecto para ser comprendida, empecé a escribir este blog en el 2011.  Es muy difícil ser apoyada por aquellos que no han vivido esta aventura.  Aunque tengo excelentes amigas que hicieron su mejor esfuerzo.

Esta es mi historia, un viaje lleno de lágrimas, risas, soledad, quejas, una historia llena de momentos “ups and downs”; rodeada de incontables comentarios insensibles y dolorosos que te empujan a esa esquina otra vez, donde sólo tú (o con tu pareja) enfrentas esta situación complicada y estresante.  Pero, al mismo tiempo, un viaje lleno de bendiciones, un viaje bendecido (pero llegar a esta aceptación nos ha tomado algunos años).

Es una pérdida verdadera lo que vivimos las parejas infértiles, sin embargo es tan difícil expresarlo y que lo comprendan los demás; pero sabes, hay esperanza, hay una verdadera esperanza para ti y para mí.  Hay una bendición escondida en algún lugar, lista para ser descubierta. Lista para que tú la vivas a plenitud.  Nada en esta vida es un error, y tú eres una bendición. Y tienes algo importante que hacer en esta vida… 

Esta es mi historia: http://familia-de-dos.blogspot.mx/2011/11/nuestra-historia.html 

Family of Two

We are a family-of-two. I started to write for sharing my personal struggle and blessing of being an infertile couple;  I want to share my personal journey that has not finished.  A journey that for us, it was and still is guided by our lovely God. He is the One who has been holding us so hard.

Our story: My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years.  We got married on 2001. He is 39 and I’m 38. In our third year we realized we had unexplained infertility: we had had all the tests, which showed that there was nothing wrong with either of us.  So, in this point we started our journey of grief.  What had happened? We were good Christians or at least were trying to be good.  We were serving in our Christian community.  Incredibly, we were sure that children will arrive to any marriage who believes in God, as a “promised blessing”.  Well, not always.  In HIS MIND, there is a perfect plan for each couple (Rom 8, 28).  But to understand this took us some years.  It’s not easy when all of your couple-friends get married and get pregnant immediately. This was our situation.  Most of our friends got pregnant in their honeymoon.

And not many around us understood what was happening with us.  There’s an incomprehensive environment around the infertile marriage (it’s so hard feeling alone).  All want to share an opinion, all want to fix your life.  I think that no one is prepared to be or to accompany an infertile couple.

And after some years, finding a perfect place for being understood, I started to write this blog (in Spanish), on 2011.  It’s very difficult to be supported for those who have not going through this journey.  Although I have excellent friends who have done their best.

This is my story,  a journey full of tears, laughs, loneliness, complaints, a story of “ups and downs”; surrounded by many painful and insensitive comments pushing you to that corner again, where you alone (or with your partner) face/cope this stressful situation. But at the same time, a blessed journey. 

It’s a real loss, you and I know it, but it’s difficult to express it, but we know there’s hope, there’s a real hope for you and me.  There’s a blessing hidden yet to be discovered in any moment.  This blessing is for you, to live it plentifully.  Nothing in this life is a mistake, and you are a blessing. And you have an important task to perform in this life… 

This is my story: http://familia-de-dos.blogspot.mx/2011/11/nuestra-historia.html

Lorena says: “I’m 38 years old and I’m Mexican. I’m married and I’m a housewife. I love to cook healthy food. I enjoy those days where I can sit down and write for hours. I love God and my husband and I have learnt to enjoy our family-of-two.

 

It Got me Thinking…About Being the Fun Aunt

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

It’s a little hard to see in the photo included in today’s post, but I have a mustache drawn on my finger with a black Magic Marker Pen. I’m posing with a cluster of my nieces and nephews as we all show off our “finger mustaches.” There were eight adults at this party, and six kids under the age of 12, but I was the only grown-up to participate because…I am the Fun Aunt.

Mustache photo 4

Back when becoming a single mom looked like my last option for parenthood, I thought hard about what I would gain and what I would sacrifice. Physical affection, membership in the Mommy Club, social acceptance all landed on my pros list. Financial struggles, sleep deprivation, losing ground in my career made the cons. A random conversation with a close friend reminded me of something else I hadn’t yet considered. Joe and Jane* had been married for several years and were discussing the possibility of starting a family. My conversation with Joe went something like this:

Joe: The thing is, I really don’t want children.

Me: Seriously? Why not?

Joe: Well…I like our life, I like our marriage. And I really like that I am still the “fun uncle” with all of our nieces and nephews.

Me: Can’t you still be fun when you have kids of your own?

Joe: Not really. Think about it. You have to be responsible, a disciplinarian. My brothers and their wives are always too tired to play, too stressed out. But I get to roll around on the floor and wrestle. Jane and I get to be silly and funny, we play games with the kids while the other adults sit around and gripe about how burned out they are. I love the relationships I have with all the kids. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to let them get away with cr*p, but I’m more part of their group of friends than like another strict and boring parent.

I thought about this a lot during my own journey to embracing being childfree, and it really resonated. Although at one time I’d desperately wanted children of my own, I also loved my role as the fun aunt. I still do. You can see that in the photo, a snapshot reminiscent of many such family occasions in which I get to be goofy, silly, playful, kid-like.

Coming to terms with our childfree status, no matter the cause, can be horribly painful. As you progress in your healing, I encourage you to embrace the fact that you get to take on this role in the lives of your nieces and nephews, or with the children of your friends. If you need help getting started, visit the Savvy Auntie site. Founder Melanie Notkin has made an art form of great auntie-ing, and the site has tips, ideas, and support.

There were times when I wondered if just being The World’s Greatest Aunt would be enough for me, and I still don’t have the final answer. But I can tell you that I am in a place in my life in which I am enjoying my role immensely and am grateful for it.

*Not their real names.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree.