Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

It Got Me Thinking…About Going Mainstream

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods

People are talking about “The Childfree Life.”

If you missed it, the cover story of TIME magazine’s August 12 issue explored “When having it all means not having children.” (Read the full article by Lauren Sandler here.)

I stumbled upon the article in a waiting room, and it wasn’t long before my voicemail blew up with messages. “Did you see it?!?” “What did you think?”

I cheered the positive portrayals (finally!) of women who have made the choices to be childfree and are leading full and fulfilling lives. I am grateful that Ms. Sandler acknowledges that “if you’re a woman who’s not in the mommy trenches, more often than not you’re excluded from the discussion.” (Yup.) I am hopeful that “women who choose not to become mothers are finding new paths of acceptance.” (Something we address regularly here at LWB.)

Most of all, after years and years of being subjected to articles—if not whole publications—about parenting, I am happy about finally being included in a mainstream discussion.

Did you read the article? What do you think about it?

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with being childfree.

Whiny Wednesday: My Shower Invitation

During August, as I enjoy some travel time, I’m sharing some of my favorite and your favorite posts from the past year. I’ll look forward to seeing you again in September. ~Lisa 

Today’s post was originally run on 5/29/13

Whiny_WednesdayAfter telling a friend recently that I haven’t had an invitation to a baby shower in years, guess what popped into my inbox last week?

But here’s the kicker: the invitation is from someone I don’t know who’s throwing a shower for someone else I don’t know, who happens to be expecting twins.

I scratched my head for a while wondering how to handle this. Should I point out I know neither the hostess nor the mother-to-be or should I just show up bearing gifts? (Okay, I was kidding about the latter.)

I guess this is the Universe’s strange idea of a practical once, and for once, I’m actually laughing.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What strange, ironic, or downright annoying things are going on in your Universe right now?

To Shower or Not To Shower

During August, as I enjoy some travel time, I’m sharing some of my favorite and your favorite posts from the past year. I’ll look forward to seeing you again in September. ~Lisa

Today’s post was originally run on 4/29/13

invitation - pixabayBy Solo Girl 

I have a large extended family; we have to rent a hall on Boxing Day so we can all get together.  And now all those sisters and female cousins are newly married and reproducing.  Every time a baby shower comes up I’m invited, and I wrestle with myself over whether or not I should be able to go yet.

I’ve always been supportive and encouraging with my family, happy to celebrate in another’s happiness.  It’s been four many years since my dream died, and I get the sense that I’m expected to be “over it” by now.

Unsure and not wanting family to think I’m selfish or emotionally immature, I went to a cousin’s baby shower about a year ago.  I mentally prepared myself ahead of time.  For example, I’m terrified of flying, but I know that there is lift-off, food, a movie and a landing, and then it’s done.  I thought about how there would be food, presents and games at this shower, and then it would be done.  I thought to myself “I should be able do this, even my own Mom is expecting me to go.”

I thought the worst part would be the games, but I was wrong.  It was the chitchat.  I actually got stuck between my mother and a cousin having a conversation on the couch about how all the women in our family have long labors.  Seriously.  When I got home I wrote myself a note in black marker and stuck it on my kitchen pin board where it still remains today:  “You never have to go to another baby shower ever again.  No one will notice; no one will care.  It’s torturous.  Don’t Go.  Don’t feel guilty”.

But a year later I still get shower invites and I continue to question whether I am – or should be – ready to attend now.  And I want to know, is it ever going to be something I can attend?  And what can I tell my family that will help them understand how painful it is to attend without sounding like I’m feeling sorry for myself after all this time?  They have high expectations of me, and I really do think they mean well.  I was in a deep depression four years ago, and I think they are trying to make me normal again.  I think.

I’m glad Irina Vodar is producing a documentary on the subject of infertility that some helpful social norms will come of it.

How do you handle these situations?

Solo Girl lives on her own with her 2+ dogs in Ontario, Canada.  She focuses her time on volunteer work and fostering rescue dogs.

Whiny Wednesday: Living After Infertility

During August, as I enjoy some travel time, I’m sharing some of my favorite and your favorite posts from the past year. I’ll look forward to seeing you again in September. ~Lisa

Today’s post was originally run on 3/28/12

Whiny_WednesdayI subscribe to Resolve’s “Living After Infertility Resolution” Support Community. Or at least I used to until yesterday, when I removed myself from the mailing list.

Apparently, the only viable “resolution” for infertility is pregnancy and the “support” forums are filled with questions about the best strollers for twins and complaints about weight gain at 24 weeks. When I dug back into the archives I found exactly THREE posts from people trying to move on with a childfree life.

I avoid using profanity in a public forum, but not in the comfort of my own home, so when I tell you I said, “Forget it!” you can fill in your own blank for what I really said.

I think that Resolve does wonderful work in helping people deal with infertility, but for those of us who have run out of options or made the decision to get off the crazy train and get about the business of building a life without children, that support is non-existent. Unless a miracle baby happens, there is apparently no living after infertility.

Well, that’s not the case here, sisters. I am alive and well and swearing like a sailor to prove it. And when National Infertility Awareness Week comes around next month, you’d better believe I’m going to be out there saying, “Hey!!! What about us?”

It’s Whiny Wednesday, my wondering living friends. If you’ve got something to say, now’s the time. Just watch your language, if you don’t mind.

It Got me Thinking…About Family Options

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I was really excited about a book I read recently, a humorous look at life that lauded women’s progress in the working world*. But then. In the last several chapters, the author focused on the trials and joys of being a working wife and mom. As I skimmed back over previous pages, I noticed that she talked about her friends and colleagues and their struggles as working moms, but nowhere did she mention anything about the women (and men) who cover for them while they’re all out on maternity leave. In her discussion about families, the closest she got to including any other kind of family (such as one that resembled my own) was an offhanded remark about a gay couple and their dog.

Now I don’t like to get all politically correct about things, but I would like to open her eyes to other family options. I’d like to introduce her to my neighborhood where retirees are raising their grandchildren, former and new spouses are setting aside their differences to co-parent, cultures and languages converge, couples (gay and straight) live with their adopted and foster children, and couples and single people without children are right in the mix. The old Norman Rockwell model of all-white families comprised of one man, his wife, and their two children is neither the majority nor the norm.

Along with the strides women have made it the world, I think our new definition of “family” is also something to celebrate.

 

*Can’t recommend the book (for the reasons noted above), but also don’t want to pan it, so I’m not going to mention the title.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree.

 

Nobody Puts Fur Baby in a Corner

Maybe BabyBy Maybe Lady Liz

For those of us without kids, our pets are our children. For those of us who are also insane, our best friends’ animals are essentially our nieces and nephews. We sometimes send them Christmas cards from “Auntie Lizard”, or even draw paw prints as signatures for “Cousin Jacques & Cousin Olivia”. I’m not describing all this to frighten you (though I can only assume I have). I’m merely trying to set the stage for my level of emotional attachment to my best friend’s two cats. And my shock and sadness when she told me she’s getting rid of them because she’s afraid they might not be good around her not-yet-one-year-old daughter.

Before she had a child, her cats received an embarrassing amount of attention. Cuddling and smooching sessions that would have prompted passersby to suggest they get a room. She freely referred to them as her babies and we talked about what wrecks we’d be when our cats eventually passed away. She was the only person in my life who was also considering not having kids, and I assumed we’d grow into crazy old cat ladies together. So imagine my surprise when I went to visit her earlier this year to meet the (unexpected) baby and see the new house, only to find that the cats had been relegated to little more than a nuisance. If they hopped on her lap, they were swiftly brushed off. If they did something she formerly found quirky, it was now supremely annoying.

I knew things had changed, but I can’t say I wasn’t still completely blown away to find out in an email last week that she was getting rid of them. In addition to being afraid they would scratch the baby (though nothing of the sort had yet happened), her main reason was simply that they weren’t getting the attention they deserved. Which, silly me, seemed like a rather easily remedied problem. She was a stay-at-home-mom and spent far more time in proximity to the cats than most pet owners who left every day for work. Was there truly not enough love to go around? Not enough energy to extend an arm and give them a nice scratch under the chin? No room on the couch to let them curl up on your lap during a movie? A spare two minutes for a rousing game of Red Dot?

I know parents will tell me that I just don’t get it since I don’t have kids. And I guess…they’d be right.

Maybe Lady Liz is blogging her way through the decision of whether to create her own Cheerio-encrusted ankle-biters, or remain Childfree. You can follow her through the ups and downs at MaybeBabyMaybeNot.com.

It Got Me Thinking…About Balanced News

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

First I scan the headlines of the breaking news. If something catches my eye, I might read the whole article. Then I return to the home page and glance through the categories: local, entertainment, opinion, food, living…. What the fruitcake? Four out of the five featured stories in the “living” section are about parenting!

I’ve somewhat resigned myself to the reality that “women’s” magazines are thinly veiled publications for “mommies,” but this is getting ridiculous. With a category as broad as “living,” possible topics are limitless. How about profiles of people doing good works, stories about working stiffs who ditched “secure” corporate jobs and pursued their passions to great success, hidden gems for travelers, or tips on how to make a house/apartment/trailer a welcoming home?

For just a moment I’m tempted to write a letter to the editor. But you know what, I think I’d rather spend my free time pursuing the art of living fully.

Still, I’m frustrated. I like keeping up-to-date on news, styles, etc., and I’d really like to avoid the baby-bump updates.

If you subscribe to a printed or online periodical that is balanced in its coverage, leave a comment and let us know.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

 

My People

Last week I attended the World Domination Summit in Portland, OR. Despite what you may think from the title, this was a gathering of creative folks and people living their lives along a slightly different track. For four days, I was amongst “my people.”

wds-2013

When people asked, “What do you do?” I could tell them that I’m a freelance writer, that I run a website for women without children, and that when I grow up I want to be a fiction author, and no one went cross-eyed and looked at me as if I was some kind of loser. They got me.

In a crowd of 3,000 people, I think perhaps two asked me if I had children and both understood and respected the fact that I didn’t. I even had an in-depth conversation with a woman who had a biological daughter and was now trying to navigate the world of adoption and learning first-hand that it’s not the quick-fix so many believe it to be. These people got me, too.

So many of the speakers addressed the topic of community. Jonathan Fields included “find your tribe” in his Good Life Project creed; Steve Schalchlin talked about living in what he calls the “bonus round” and brought the entire audience to tears with his story of his friends’ love literally kept him alive. When he sang, “We should all be connected to each other,” I got it. In fact one of the main themes of the summit was “community” and the importance of being among people who understand you was never clearer to me.

After the summit end, I went home via the Portland airport. It was full of families returning home from a long holiday weekend, and never have I felt more like an alien crash-landing on a strange and hostile planet. I wasn’t among my people any more.

But the next day I sat down to write this blog post and I realized that I do get to be among my people, around people who understand me. And those people are you. Here on this blog is one of the few places I can talk about it’s like to live without children, to get blank stares of misunderstanding from people who don’t get it, and to feel as if I don’t belong. Here I am among my tribe and today, I appreciate my tribe more than ever.

Fitting In

puzzle-63626_640By Geneva Fox

I have been thinking about “fitting in” lately.  I have accepted that I do not fit into society’s conventions.  Most of the time, I am fine with that.  Sometimes, I am reminded of this fact with such force that I feel as if all of the air has been sucked out of me.  This usually occurs when I am reminded of my former life as a wife who desperately wanted to be a mother.

Several days ago, I was having a conversation with my friend about some problems a mutual acquaintance was having with his children.  My well-meaning friend said: “And you want that?!  You’re lucky you don’t have kids!”  When she saw the look on my face she asked me if I had considered adoption.  In my former life, I had not only considered it, but I had pursued it.  I have asked myself again and again what that dream was all about. Why did I hold onto my marriage after so many colossal deceptions by my ex husband?  Most important, why would I even consider adopting a child with him when I knew in my gut he was lying about having read the parts of the books I had marked for him about the adoption process and transracial adoption?  These are the answers that I have come up with:

1) There is a deep urge in my soul to be a mother that I cannot explain even to myself. That urge is now a whisper and a shadow of what it once was.

2) My ex husband was my first love. I believe in true love.  I wanted to believe he would change if I did.  That was a huge mistake.

3) I wanted desperately to be normal, to fit in.  I wanted to be married, own a home, and have children in order to be like every one else.  I had not ever had this experience and I wanted it very badly.  Giving up the pursuit of that life is the hardest thing that I have ever done.

These are the facts about me: I am 44 and childless.  I live with my mother and my boyfriend who is 13 years older than me in a double-wide trailer that is in need of many repairs.  I own a business.  I am a full time college student.  From an outsider’s point of view I am sure my life could seem pretty dim.  It does not fit.

This is my truth: I am happy.  I feel comfortable in my own skin.  On most days I have a great deal of serenity.  I don’t worry about my future.  I no longer stress about my finances.  I am madly in love with my boyfriend. I love who I am on the inside and most of who I am on the outside.  I do not doubt that I deserve the best.  I do my very best to be of service in all situations and relationships everyday.  I am kind.  I enjoy living immensely!

In regards to fitting in, As Dr. Wayne Dyer said: “The road most traveled is one that will allow you to fit in and feel accepted, but it will never allow you to make a difference.”

Perhaps the greatest gift we can give the world is giving up fitting in and taking the path that truly belongs to us.  If I am able to make even a small difference on my path through the world then I am truly living life to the fullest!

Geneva Fox is embracing her childfree status. She is a business owner, full time college student, and writer. She leads a beautiful life with her boyfriend, family, and friends in Ruckersville, VA.  Her blog, “A Beautiful Life” is at GenevaFox.wordpress.com

The Need to Nurture

I like to tease my nieces and nephews by telling them that if they’re not nice to me, I’m going to leave my (ahem) “millions” to a home for cats. But how far from reality is the stereotype of the childless woman filling her home with feline (or canine, or even porcine) companions? Do we women really need some small helpless creature to nurture in order to satisfy our natural instincts?

photoI have a cat, Felicity, who I rescued almost 10 years ago, when I assumed she’d someday have to share my attention with children. She is spoiled and overindulged. She gets away with more than I’d ever tolerate from a human baby. But do I treat my cat as a substitute for a child?

Do I talk to her? Sing to her? Hold her like a baby? Do I blow raspberries on her belly? Do I refer to myself as “Mummy” in her presence?

Well, yes. I do.

I have a need to nurture and she is the (mostly) willing recipient of my affections. Does she fill the hole my human babies would have filled? Of course not, but she goes a long way to satisfying my need to care for something wholly dependent on me.

What do you think?  Do you need to fulfill some in-built need to nurture? Can the need be satisfied with a relationship with an animal?