Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

When Craziness is Normal

crazy

When I first started this blog and began writing openly about my feelings and thoughts surrounding infertility and my unplanned

childlessness, I often thought: You can’t write that, Lisa. People will think you’re crazy. 

I worried that being honest about the thoughts that ran through my head, the bitterness that always bubbled under the surface, and the absolutely madness of questing for a baby would flag me as “not normal.”

I know that some people did think I was crazy. One compassionate soul even told Mr. Fab as much. And I’m sure there were plenty more who wondered about my sanity. If they did, I never heard from them.

What I do hear, so often, on this blog and in my email box is: “I can’t believe I found someone else who thought/said/did this crazy thing.  I thought I was the only one.”

I laugh to myself when I read this, because I thought I was the only, too. By being honest about my craziness, I discovered I wasn’t crazy at all, because for every crazy thing I admitted to, I found someone who had thought/said/done the same thing.

Turns out this insanity is perfectly normal.
When you’re in the thick of frustration, of feeling odd, left out, and misunderstood; when people tell you you’re acting crazy and it’s not normal, find someone here to tell. Add a comment to a post or start a thread in the forum. I promise you, you’ll find someone else who understand exactly how you feel, and it’s very reassuring to realize how normal your craziness is.

You may not be surprised to hear that the people who thought I’d gone mad had never walked in my shoes. They had no idea what it was like to be unable to have the children they wanted. Any time I have spoken to someone who has been through this experience, we’ve almost always been able to share in a common craziness, and nodded knowingly as we’ve admitted to some of our crazy thoughts.

It Got Me Thinking…About Being Worth Our Salt

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

When I need a pick-me-up, I frequently turn to jazz singer Lizz Wright. Her “Walk With Me, Lord” lifts my spirits every time. Here’s a sampling from the title track of her 2003 album, Salt:

How can you lose your song

When you’ve sung it so long

How can you forget your dance

When that dance is all you’ve ever had

It must be true

You can’t separate the two

It’s impossible to do

Just like the salt in the stew

It’s all a part of you

One thing that life can’t do

Is can’t take your song from you.

As I listen to the mellow notes, as I let her lyrics sink into me, I’m reminded that even though my dreams didn’t work out quite as I planned, the essence of me is still intact. The loving, generous, creative, hopeful, compassionate, spiritual, happy, true Kath is still here, and she will figure it out. Because despite all that challenges life has dealt me, one thing that life cannot do is take my song from me. So says Saint Lizz. I am worth my salt, and you are too.

Check out what Ms. Wright is up to, listen to a recent track, and check out upcoming concert dates at http://www.lizzwright.net/.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree. 

Whiny Wednesday: The Reluctant Villager

Whiny_WednesdayLast weekend my friend and I stopped by a very cute new café that opened in my neighborhood. It has a lovely private patio, big sun umbrellas, and a good menu of healthy food, so we looking forward to a Saturday morning breakfast and chat.

But when we stepped out onto the patio, there were young children everywhere, and by everywhere, I mean everywhere. They running in and out of the tables, playing in the middle of the floor, and one little boy was rolling his toy truck under a table where a couple, who were definitely not his parents, were eating.

Out of the six or seven sets of parents present, there was one who appeared to be making any kind of effort to teach their child how people behave in restaurants. One. My friend (who is a mother) suggested we leave and take our coffee to go instead.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but that doesn’t mean the village should have to step in and do the parent’s job. Nor does it mean the village can’t have a quiet meal without their feet being run over by a toy truck.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. I’m done grumbling for today. It’s your turn now.

And the Survey Says…

checkFirstly, an enormous “Thank you” to the 127 of you who took the time to complete the recent LWB survey. I’m truly blown away by the response.

I’m still sifting through the data and analyzing what it all means, and of course, there are questions I wish I’d asked, but for now I wanted to share a few insights:

  • Over half of you are in your 30s and another third in your 40s. The over 60s and the under 20s aren’t hanging around with us (or aren’t filling surveys.)
  • Many of you (60%) said you were either trying to come to terms or at the stage of accepting and making peace. More than 20% of you are still trying/hopeful for having children.
  • Over 90% of you said you’d used the blog and found it useful, so hurray for that, especially as no one said they’d used it and didn’t find it useful. J What surprised me was that for all the other areas of the site, more than half of you said you hadn’t used it but were interested. So what are you waiting for? Snoop around.
  • The most popular type of post on the blog was “Personal Journey Stories,” with 84.5% saying they enjoy these posts, with my personal experience stories and guest posts following closely behind. What this tells me is that we want to hear other people’s stories, so if you’ve been dancing around the idea of submitting a guest post, do it! We want to hear.
  • The most popular topics were: “Dealing with friends and family” (72.6%), with “What’s Next in Life?”, “Ups and down of childfree living”, and “Finding Fulfillment” all following close behind.
  • When it comes to resources, printed books, ebooks, and a regular newsletter are of most interest to you. This is good news for me, as all these things are either in the works or on my to-do list.
  • An overwhelming number of you said you wouldn’t use a support group, either via phone or in person, or attend an in-person workshop. So, what I’m hearing is that you love the community and knowing you’re not alone, but you don’t want to come out in public and talk about this topic. I’m with you on that.
  • Almost half of you expressed an interest in programs and course online, so I’ll be taking a look at those again soon. Stay tuned.
  • Perhaps the biggest surprise was how many of you (over 40%) said you’d like to support the site through the purchase of LWB merchandise. If you were one of those people, I’d love to hear more about what that means? Would you use a discreet LWB coffee mug or are you looking for t-shirt that says “Childfree and loving it!” (or something in between)?

As I let all this valuable information percolate, I’ll be thinking about what changes I need to make to the site and what I need to do more of. A quick to do list so might look like:

  • Sharing more of my own story and encouraging you to do the same.
  • Getting the ebooks I’ve been noodling out of my head and onto the page
  • Getting the resource page pulled together to include other books you might find useful.
  • Writing more posts addressing the topics that are of most interest to you.

If you have other ideas or suggestions, I’m always open, so please leave them in the comments below.

And finally, many of you added wonderful and generous comments at the end of the survey. I’d like to thank you for those and I let you know that I have printed them all out and stuck them above my desk for those days when I wonder why I keep talking about this topic.

It Got Me Thinking…About When Life Gets Funny

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

Earlier this week I received a lovely invitation to an “Egg Meets Sperm Networking Mixer.”

What the fruitcake?!

Perhaps it came to my mailbox because someone (or some program) noticed that I write a lot about “babies” and “being childfree” and determined this would be the perfect event for me. Upon closer inspection, I discovered that the event was being hosted by one of the many LGBT organizations I support, and it was intended for gay couples who are exploring their options in adoption, surrogacy, and IVF.

But before I could think through any of this, I reacted by throwing back my head and laughing out loud at the absurdity of it all. Oh, my crazy, mixed-up, outrageously funny life!

As the days passed, I found myself still chuckling as I replayed this in my head, and it dawned on me how far I have come in the past three years. If I had received this invitation earlier in my journey, it might have brought on tears, a grand pity party, or a fit of anger at the unintentional cruelties that served to remind me of my losses and lacks.

The primary reason I can sit here today and laugh about it is because I have been able to heal. And the primary reason I have been able to heal is because I’ve been allowed to grieve, share, commiserate, and celebrate with the amazing community of compassionate women I’ve encountered through LifeWithoutBaby.

If you’ve been a part of LWB for a while, thank you for being a blessing in my journey. I am so grateful to you for your openness and support. If you are new to LWB, stick with it. I know today may be a difficult day for you—I’ve been there. I also know that better days are ahead. You will heal, you will move forward, and you will laugh again.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with being childfree.

Whiny Wednesday: All the News That’s Fit to Print?

Whiny_WednesdayStanding in line at the grocery store last week, I spotted the rack of gossip magazines.

There were four magazines on offer, and the headline of every single one was celebrity baby news.

Honestly, I think I’d rather have toe nail fungus updates.

It’s Whiny Wednesday; what’s under your skin (or toe nail) today?

Finally, Some Truth About Celebrity Infertility

hollywoodThere’s been a lot of hoopla lately about celebrities coming out and “admitting” to their struggles with infertility. While I applaud their courage for speaking up, I can’t fail to notice that these confessions always seem to come after the arrival of the miracle baby or the successful adoption. It perpetuates the myth that “it will happen if you only keep trying.”

So, what a breath of fresh air it was to learn that actress Aisha Tyler had opened up on “The Talk” about her struggle with infertility and her decision to “stop putting [herself] through the torture of the hormone injections.”

Instead of sugarcoating her story and giving the kind of canned upbeat response we’re used to hearing, she told some hard truths:

“A lot of women are going through [infertility], and I feel like sometimes they are made to feel badly or ashamed—like ‘Oh, you’re not being hopeful, or you’re not being positive,” she said, in an interview for Glamour. “I just wanted women that were also in this stage to feel like they’re not alone and they’re not the only ones going through this. But also know that if you feel like, ‘Maybe this isn’t for me,’ then that’s an OK choice to make too. And you’re not a bad woman if you don’t want to put your body through this or wreck your finances because of it.”

I think this is the very first time I’ve heard this said on such a public forum, so kudos to Aisha for her courage to speak up. (And Aisha, if you’re reading this, we’d love it if you’d write a guest post. Just saying.)

Of course, I have to add that Aisha’s revelation wasn’t known to the show’s hosts beforehand and they were completely caught off guard. “I swear I thought Aisha was going to say she was pregnant,” said host Sheryl Underwood.

It seems we still have a long way to go to change attitudes about infertility, but this conversation feels like a step in the right direction.

Whiny Wednesday: Profile Pictures

Whiny_WednesdayIt always boggles my mind when people use their kid’s photo as their own Facebook profile photo. It boggles it even more when they then send me a friend request.

If they’re sending me a friend request, odds are they’re not someone I see on a regular basis, so how am I supposed to recognize that person from a photo of their newborn or their child’s first day at school?

This blog needs a “sigh and shakes head” emoticon.

Happy Whiny Wednesday. What’s boggling your mind today?

Talking About Not Having Children

No talking.previewAs all of you know, it takes an awful lot of courage to talk about not having children. I know you’ve all been met with looks of confusion, dealt with inaccurate assumptions and unhelpful suggestions, and watched as people have broken eye contact to look almost anywhere else than at the “woman who doesn’t have children.” And those of you who’ve dealt with infertility know that most people can’t even bring themselves to say the word, let alone have an open conversation about it.

Nobody really wants to talk about this topic, least of all us. But a group of courageous women and men are about to do that in a very public forum—a New York City theater—in The Cycle: Living a Taboo. 

The aim of this live forum is to pull back the curtain on a taboo topic that affects millions of men and women, and to change the conversation about the realities of infertility, reproductive medicine, and living a life without children.

The Cycle: Living a Taboo forum will take place on September 27 at 8:00 pm at the Tribeca Performing Arts Center in New York City. You can get all the details and tickets to attend in person at the event website. If you’d like to go, but don’t want to go alone, please think about using the community pages to find a friend to go with.

The wonderful Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos is one of the women behind this event and, if you can’t make it in person, you can add your voice virtually at her site, Silent Sorority.

We’ll also be hosting our own virtual forum on the community pages. Please jump in and make it your own forum for saying what goes unsaid.

If you have a blog, Facebook, or Twitter, please consider stepping out and spreading the word.

It’s time we had a different conversation about infertility and living without children, and we are the ones to change it.

It Got Me Thinking…About Going Mainstream

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods

People are talking about “The Childfree Life.”

If you missed it, the cover story of TIME magazine’s August 12 issue explored “When having it all means not having children.” (Read the full article by Lauren Sandler here.)

I stumbled upon the article in a waiting room, and it wasn’t long before my voicemail blew up with messages. “Did you see it?!?” “What did you think?”

I cheered the positive portrayals (finally!) of women who have made the choices to be childfree and are leading full and fulfilling lives. I am grateful that Ms. Sandler acknowledges that “if you’re a woman who’s not in the mommy trenches, more often than not you’re excluded from the discussion.” (Yup.) I am hopeful that “women who choose not to become mothers are finding new paths of acceptance.” (Something we address regularly here at LWB.)

Most of all, after years and years of being subjected to articles—if not whole publications—about parenting, I am happy about finally being included in a mainstream discussion.

Did you read the article? What do you think about it?

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with being childfree.