Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Sharing Tips for Getting Through the Holidays

By Lisa Manterfield

thanksgivingThis week we celebrate Thanksgiving here in the U.S. and, for the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to it. We are bucking tradition this year and spending the day with good friends, including another childfree couple. Mr. Fab is cooking a decidedly nontraditional Thanksgiving dinner, so all I’ll have to do, aside from a few sous chef duties, is show up and have a good time.

I know for many of you, Thanksgiving might not be such a fun time. Traditionally, it’s a holiday when families gather, which might mean facing insensitive relatives and prying questions about children. It also marks the beginning of what can often be the most difficult time of the year, with social gatherings, kid-oriented activities, and constant reminders of the many ways we don’t get to celebrate the holidays.

I love that this community includes new readers and seasoned pros, so let’s help one another out this year by sharing ideas on getting through the season with our hearts intact.

What are some of the issues you know you’ll face this holiday season? What events are you dreading? What’s going to be hardest for you?

And perhaps most important of all, how to do plan to get through the season with minimum emotional damage?

For more tips, inspiration, and support, check out the Life Without Baby Holiday Companion, available now at Amazon.com.

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_WednesdayTonight is Bonfire Night in the U.K. As a child, it was one of my favorite nights of the year, second only to Christmas Eve.

We’d have a bonfire in the backyard, and my dad would bring home a box of fireworks to set off and a couple of packets of sparklers. We’d have baked potatoes and roast chestnuts, and my mum would make parkin and gooey, delicious bonfire toffee. It was an evening spent outdoors, clustered around the fire. It was about friends and food and a little bit of danger.

It’s one of the many things I miss about my homeland, and it’s one of the traditions I would have enjoyed sharing with my children. And that’s the topic for this week’s Whiny Wednesday:

Traditions you won’t get to share with your children

Happy Bonfire Night and happy whining.

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_WednesdayThis Friday is Halloween, which for many of us means streams of cute children knocking on our front doors.

Love it or hate it; it’s hard to avoid it. So the discussion topic for this week is:

How do you handle this difficult holiday?

As it’s Whiny Wednesday, there’s room for your gripes here, too.

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_WednesdayGraduation season is upon us and social media has been abuzz with snapshots of proud parents and their offspring. So it seems like a good time for this week’s Whiny Wednesday topic:

Feelings of jealousy when friends and relatives celebrate the milestones of being parents and grandparents.


As always, your other whines are always welcome.

Our Stories: Kay

As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Our StoriesAfter a first marriage to a man who was “never stable enough for us to have kids,” Kay* met her current husband when she was almost 42. They got busy trying to create their family, but three pregnancies were lost early, and adoption didn’t work (they weren’t against it, but the reasons it didn’t work were “complicated”). Now 52, Kay still struggles with being childfree by chance and circumstance. After reading her story below, I hope you’ll take a moment to offer her some encouragement in the Comments.

LWB: Please briefly describe your dream of motherhood.

Kay: Oh, the Waltons. I wanted a big family with lots of children, maybe with foster kids as well.

LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?

Kay: My parents didn’t have a clue how to show love and fought a lot, and we children felt truly unloved and unwanted. From a very young age, all I wanted in life was to be a mama. That I will never have that is crushing. We are not close to any of our nieces and nephews. We have tried, but we live too far away from them to be very involved.

LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?

Kay: I don’t have to discover that I am just like my parents in parenting, in spite of my best intentions.

LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”

Kay: I really, really struggle with this because I so want/wanted to be a mama, and I want to relate to other people. Trying to explain, however, becomes complicated. I frequently get, “You could always just adopt,” which is a more complicated conversation. I’ve found it best to just answer, “No.”

LWB: What’s your Plan B?

Kay: I still very much want children in my life, and it doesn’t matter to me now that they won’t be my own. We unofficially mentored a family for a while. We called them our “Rent-a-Kids” and they liked that. But they moved away, so now I’m looking for something similar. I would like to find a way to connect “aged out” foster kids with people who would be family for them, to give them someone to care about them and a place to go for holidays and other momentous occasions. I don’t quite know how to get this started, but I’ve recently come across a couple of possibilities.

LWB: Where are you on your journey now?

Kay: I still struggle with hearing pregnancy announcements, and frequently give a big sigh when I read stuff on Facebook about friends’ kids/grandkids or their parenting stuff. Early on I told myself, “This is not how your life will turn out. You will not have this.” It was an attempt to work for acceptance, but I eventually gave it up as it was turning into a self-pitying whine instead of acceptance. Sometimes I’m angry, more often I’m wistful. I frequently quote Agatha Christie: “Life is badly arranged.”

 

*To protect respondents’ privacy, we allow each to choose a name for her profile. It may or may not be fictitious.

Won’t you share your story with us? Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

Happy New Year 2014

2014 aOn this, the first day of a brand new year, I’m sending good wishes your way.

I hope this year will be good to you, that it brings you peace, good health, and happiness. And if it throws in a little success and prosperity, even better.

I look forward to spending time with you here next year, to making new friends, and cheering on old ones. I hope you’ll meet some new people here, too, and know that, wherever you are on your journey, you’re not walking your path alone.

For those of you who’ve just about had enough of my sappy holiday messages, you’ll be glad to know that Whiny Wednesday will be back next week, so I hope you’ve saved up all your holiday gripes.

For now, I wish you all a very happy New Year.

~ Lisa

Merry Christmas

christmasDear Friends,

Although this part of the week is traditionally held open for Whiny Wednesday, in the spirit of the season, I wanted to turn it around and simply wish a Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate and warm holiday wishes to those who don’t.

May this season bring you peace, love, and companionship. And may (most of) your Christmas wishes come true.

Warmest wishes to you.

~Lisa

It Got Me Thinking…About Family Recipes

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I’m reading a story in the current edition of the Penzeys catalogue (learn more about the company and their spices here) about passing family heritage and traditions to new generations through cooking and baking together. Ethnic flavors, techniques, recipes, and stories get shared from grandmother to mother to daughter, and I’m again reminded of how much I miss being part of this cycle of love as I—as in holiday seasons past—am the lone cook at the counter.

Friends have suggested that I can mentor a niece or nephew, but robbing my sister or sisters-in-law of that privilege is unimaginable to me. So I cook for myself and my husband, I bake for parties and gifts, and I share recipes with friends. I try to not dwell on what I’m missing out on as I mimic my mother’s safe technique for chopping nuts and hear my grandmother’s voice in my heart as I carefully fold those nuts into hot fudge.

Although I don’t have a daughter to share with, I have you! So I am breaking tradition (but not breaking any family laws) and sharing with you the one recipe that says “Christmas” to me. As far back as I can remember, Gram’s Coffee Cake has been served on Christmas morning, alongside an egg-and-sausage casserole (a once-a-year “treat” for the arteries) and half-domes of grapefruit.

I don’t know the origins, I don’t own the copyright (and family members have published it in fund-raising cookbooks in the past), but I do know that Gram made adjustments over the years. If you share it with your family and friends, I ask that you give credit to my grandmother by retaining the title.

 

Gram Guthrie’s Coffee Cake

  • ½ cup shortening (plus extra for greasing the baking pan)
  • 1 tsp. vanilla (speaking of Penzey’s, they have an amazing selection of vanillas)
  • ¾ cup sugar
  • 3 eggs
  • 2 cups sifted flour
  • 1 tsp. baking powder
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 1 cup sour cream

Filling:

  • 9 Tbsp. butter, softened
  • 1 ½ cups brown sugar, packed
  • 1 Tbsp. cinnamon
  • 1 ½ cups chopped walnuts

 

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
  2. Cream shortening, sugar, and vanilla thoroughly. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Sift together the flour, baking powder, and baking soda. Add some of the flour mixture to the creamed mixture alternately with sour cream, blending after each addition.
  3. Prepare the filling in a separate bowl. Cream softened butter, brown sugar, and cinnamon well. Stir in nuts. Set aside.
  4. Grease a 10-inch tube pan and line bottom with waxed paper. Turn half of batter into the pan. Dot the batter with half of the filling. Cover with the remaining batter and then dot with remaining filling.
  5. Bake at 350 degrees F for 50 minutes. Allow to cool for 10 minutes before removing from the pan.

Serve warm or at room temp. The cake can be prepared beforehand and reheated for serving.

I’d love to hear about the one family recipe that says “holidays” to you. And if you’d like, share the actual recipe with all of us in the comments.

Happy baking…and happy holidays!

Christmas morning doesn’t have to be Christmas mourning! Life Without Baby Holiday Companion offers inspiration and encouragement for getting through the season. Available here on our site and on Amazon—now just $4.95.

The Holiday Companion is Here!

Cover Final HiIt’s here!

The Life Without Baby Holiday Companion is now available—just in time to get you through the not-always-jolly holidays!

We know from personal experiences—and from stories shared by the wonderful readers of this site—that the holiday season can be especially painful when you wanted children but didn’t get to have them.

So we put together a collection of humorous, healing, and thought-provoking posts and tips, including “All I Want for Christmas is Wa,” “Baby Chitchat,” “Holiday Survival 101,” and “Top 10 Benefits of Childfree Holidays.”

As a member of the Life Without Baby community, you get to preview Holiday Companion before the ebook is released to the world on Amazon next week. PLUS, when you order your copy here, you’ll receive both the full-color PDF and a black and white printable version.

Our hope is that this book will give you inspiration and encouragement as you make your way to a happier new year and a happier new you.

Cheers!

Lisa & Kathleen

Year-End Planning

It’s December and I don’t know about you, but I can smell 2013 in the air!

I know we still have the holidays ahead, and I’m promising to get into the spirit this year, but I love the New Year and so I’m already starting to wrap up 2012 and get ready for a fresh start next month.

I tend not to hold grudges or to hold too tightly to the past. Lots of things happened this year that I wish had happened differently, but they’re over now and out of my control. I can’t change them, so I may as well pick myself up, dust myself off, and apply the valuable lessons I’ve learned from my mistakes to make sure they don’t happen again next year.

So far, my plans for 2013 include a couple of trips, some time to finish my book, some exciting projects for this site, and some deliberate “white space” on my calendar to recharge my batteries.

What about you? Are you thinking about the New Year yet? What’s on the horizon for you?