Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

It Got Me Thinking…About Hosting a Lovefeast

Today is Good Friday, a holiday in many Christian-based religions that commemorates the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. In my faith tradition, it was a dark day of contemplation and prayer, one that was necessary before we received the promise and glory of Easter Sunday.

I wanted to incorporate something about old or new practices and traditions into my post this morning, but wasn’t sure what would be most relevant for us all here at LWB. So I thought it best to do a little online research, and here’s some of what I discovered:

  • Although there’s a folk legend that “Good” was a derivation of “God” (something I was taught as a child), it was long ago defined as “pious, holy.”
  • In various countries and languages, what I call “Good Friday” is known as “Silent Friday” or “Great Friday” or “The Long Friday”.
  • Some countries close schools and government offices; in others, many businesses close so that employees can attend religious services.
  • Some religions observe the day with fasting; members of the Moravian Church, one of the oldest denominations of Protestants, marked the day with a “Lovefeast.”

It’s that last item that intrigued me. What is a “lovefeast”? In the 21st century, we have an understanding that a “feast” involves copious amounts of food and beverages, a large gathering of family and friends, and a celebratory air that might include music, dancing, and revelry. But there’s something about throwing in the “love” part that makes it sound (regrettably) a bit R-rated. That was not the case in the 18th century, when the Lovefeast held on Good Friday might have been as simple as servings of sweet buns and coffee, or even bread and water, with music and singing all designed to “strengthen the bonds and the spirit of harmony, goodwill, and congeniality, as well as to forgive past disputes and instead love one another.” (Read up on at the details here.)

Doesn’t the idea of that just warm your heart? It does mine, and it gets me thinking about how I might put together my own lovefeast. I imagine inviting dear friends to join me around a table for a thoughtfully prepared meal. I imagine seeing their delight as they greet each other with forgiveness and acceptance. I imagine a toast to friendships time-tested and new. I imagine feeling tears well in my eyes as I look around at the sweet souls beside and across from me and feeling so grateful for their presence in my life.

I also imagine you there. For although we are geographically all over the globe, making a sit-down dinner with all our LWB sisters impossible, when I am here with you, on these pages, I am strengthened by our spirit of harmony, goodwill, and congeniality. I release past hurts and look to the future. I feel accepted and loved.

And that feels so very, very good.

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is counting her blessings today.

 

 

 

Whiny Wednesday: Family Who Won’t Let It Go

It’s the sister who every time she sees you asks, “So are you…?” The aunt who asks at every big holiday gathering, “When are you going to…?” Or the mother-in-law who passive-aggressively wonders out loud when “someone” is going to make her a grandmother. You know,

That one relative who just can’t let it go.

Got one? Tell us about him or her, then tell us what you’d like to say back.

Whiny Wednesday: Valentine’s Day

 

Last Wednesday was Valentine’s Day and I completely neglected to do a Whiny Wednesday post. (Thank you, Jane, for the reminder.)

Although my relationship with Mr. Fab survived our infertility, Valentine’s Day for us has become another holiday that’s lost its luster. For the most part, we ignore it.

I know it can be a difficult day (or week) for many of you, so even though it’s a little late, this week’s Whiny Wednesday topic is:

Valentine’s Day

And, by the way, if you have any tips for how you approach this day, please share it here for readers who might be struggling.

I’m Taking My Eggs and Going Home: How One Woman Dared to Say No to Motherhood is a Goodreads giveaway this week. Check out Goodreads.com for your chance to win signed copy.

It Got Me Thinking…About Being Understood (Post-Holiday Edition)

My family serves the same breakfast every Christmas morning: a sausage and cheese casserole (also fondly referred to as “heart attack on a plate”), grapefruit cut in half with each segment carefully carved out with that cool little bent grapefruit knife, and Gram’s Coffee Cake. It isn’t Christmas without Gram’s Coffee Cake. You can hang lights and stockings, place treasured ornaments on a tree, and crank up the volume to sing along with Bing Crosby and friends, but it isn’t until that sweet and cinnamony batter is in the oven that home smells and feels like Christmas.

On this past Christmas Eve, as photos rolled into my phone from various households showing off their cakes fresh from the oven or wrapped in foil to keep for the morning, I chimed in to the stream of text messages with, “This is the first year in my life I didn’t make one.”

“There’s still time!” one relative chimed in.

“It’s no fun when there’s no one to make it for,” I tried to explain, wondering if I should elaborate on how for years I’ve baked the whole big thing, eaten one slice myself, then given the rest as hostess gifts or to my husband’s office staff.

“So make it for yourself!” another relative suggested.

And oh, how I wanted to respond with, “You’re not childless-not-by-choice! You wouldn’t understand!”

Sound familiar? How many times have we been smacked in the face with “You’re not a parent—you wouldn’t understand.” Once, just once, I wish my family members could try to understand how difficult the holiday season has been and continues to be for me. How spirit-draining it is to even imagine going through the effort to drag out the ladder, hammer the nails, and untangle the string of lights, without some wee darling there to be thrilled by the twinkling beauty. Or the futility of putting out milk ’n’ cookies and a note for Santa without a little believer in the house. Or…I know. I could go on ad nauseam, and this is hardly news to you.

I shared the above exchange with a friend who is also childless-not-by-choice, knowing she would commiserate. “Should I try to explain how I feel?” I asked. “Should I talk to them so they understand how—I know, unintentionally—painful their unhelpful comments are?”

She responded with the very best advice for this scenario: “Let it go.”

“But, but….”

“Just let it go.”

She’s right. They can’t ever fully understand because they are parents, because they do get to share all our wonderful family holiday traditions with new generations, and they will never understand why something as “small” as making Gram’s Coffee Cake is so emotionally charged for me.

However, as I reflected upon this in the days that followed, I reminded myself that I do have people in my life who understand. Right here, at Life Without Baby. If I need sympathy, support, or just a place the vent, I can come to this safe space and feel welcomed on “Whiny Wednesday”, in comments on blog posts, discussions in Forums, or by reading and relating to your stories in the “Our Stories”* column.

As we move into this new year, whenever we feel alone or lost or generally misunderstood, let’s remember to check in with each other here. Because even if we can’t find seem to find it anywhere else, here we are understood.

 

*We make it really easy for you to share your story. Go to this link and answer the questions in your own words. No writing experience needed. I hear again and again what a healing experience this is for the contributor, and I know I, as well as our many readers, will be there to support you.

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is mostly at peace with her childless status.

Hang in There. It’s Almost 2018!

My overarching message around the holidays has always been this:

Do what you need to do to protect yourself when your emotions are still raw. Back out of the holidays all together, if that’s what feels right. Create new traditions that suit who you are now. And most of all, hang in there, because it does get easier, and eventually you’ll find a way to make the holidays joyful again.

But, this year, I want to make an amendment. Because, the truth is, for some of you, the holidays might keep sucking for a long, long time, and my being all Pollyanna about it, isn’t going to change that.

For years, I have followed my own guidelines for holiday survival. After a couple of years of trying to force the Christmas spirit, we chose to opt out of Christmas because it was too sad. Then, for a number of years, we made a point of going away and doing something totally non-traditional. It wasn’t “Christmas” as I’d envisioned it, but it felt right for us, and we enjoyed the season again.

I thought I had a different attitude about Christmas. Mr. Fab and I like staying at home, just the two of us, and keeping it low key. We put up a tree and decorated the house. We’ll keep up our new tradition of celebrating on Christmas Eve and it will be a “nice” Christmas, not perfect, but good enough.

I’ve talked to several friends, fellow bloggers who, like me, are several years into being at peace with not having children. They each talked about plans for a quiet celebration, of an adapted holiday experience. And each of them also added that some part of their plans had triggered the old sadness or poked at a tender spot. Not one of us gushed about the jingly joyful celebration we were planning. Instead, we talk of an “almost-but-not-quite” Christmas.

As I was rooting around in my mind, trying to find a point to this post, I suddenly thought about my dad. My dad hated Valentine’s Day, not because of the commercial tackiness, but because his own father had died on February 14th. Even two decades later, he couldn’t find joy in the day, and none of us expected him to. I tiptoed around him and, by February 15th, he was his old self again. As a young girl, hoping to get Valentines in the mail, I couldn’t understand why my dad felt this way. But, of course, I understand it fully now.

I stand by all my guidelines about the holidays: It does get easier. You will find a way to get through the holidays and even enjoy them again. But, odds are, they will always tap a sore spot and serve as a reminder of what’s missing. It might always be “almost-but-not-quite” Christmas.

But, before you know it, it will be January again, a new year and a fresh chance to live the life you do have to its fullest. I don’t know about you, but the New Year is fast becoming my favorite holiday of all.

It Got Me Thinking…About the Gift of Kindness

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

“So…why are you going?”

My sweet friend, let’s call her Ashley, had just told me about how much she was dreading Christmas. She and her husband are traveling halfway across the country to be with extended family, a family of loud, funny, sarcastic, in-your-face, mostly well-intentioned people who she knows will be needling her about why they don’t have kids yet.

“I can hear your clock ticking!”

“Your cousin got pregnant on her honeymoon—and you two have been married how long?”

“I swear I’m going to croak before this one gives me a grandchild!”

What they don’t know is that Ashley had another miscarriage last month. So she is going to suffer through all the questions and smart-ass comments in silence, with a half-smile on her face and a crack that is growing deeper in her heart.

But she is going because family gatherings are fewer and farther between as busy lives take over. And the older generations aren’t getting any younger, so she feels like she’s on borrowed time with them. And her favorite aunt was widowed earlier this year, and Ashley doesn’t want her to feel alone over the holidays. All valid reasons, but oh how my heart aches for her as I anticipate and imagine what she’s facing this coming week.

I asked her to put me on speed dial, so that if things get really rough, she can step outside or lock herself in the bathroom and call me for emotional support. Even though she and her husband are still trying, still hopeful (and I’m hopeful for them too), I sent her some classic LWB posts about dealing with social landmines and getting through the holidays when you’re childless-not-by-choice. I hope I helped her, and I hope I can continue to help her get through this season with some dignity and grace.

After our chat, I started thinking more about how no one in her family knows what she’s been going through. I know better than to encourage anyone to break a silence on something so emotionally devastating as multiple miscarriages, especially in a large and rowdy gathering, but her sharing her confidences made me think about the fact that all of us are dealing with things that aren’t fit for announcing to the general public—or sometimes to our immediate and extended family members.

So, while I’ll be dealing quietly with my own hurts, as I gather with loved ones over the holidays, I’ll be approaching them with a new awareness. I might give slightly longer hugs, I might reach across a room with a smile, I might keep an eye out for someone who is left out of the conversation or looks a little more isolated than usual. Whether or not they choose to give me their confidence, I can give them something: the gift of kindness, the gift of compassion. If I’m lucky, maybe I’ll get that gift in return.

 

 

Whiny Wednesday: Not Being Treated Like a “Real” Adult


This topic came up on the community forums a while ago and I thought it was a great topic to explore here on Whiny Wednesday.

Not being treated like a “real” adult because you’re not a parent.

I’ve certainly experienced this myself and talked to friends who say they’re still treated like a kid because they don’t have children of their own.

How about you?

A Cup of Tea with Jody Day

By Lisa Manterfield

A couple of years ago (has it really been that long?) I had the pleasure of sharing a cup of tea, albeit across 6,000 miles, with Jody Day of Gateway Women in the UK. We talked about coming-to-terms with loss, dealing with loneliness, and the tremendous value of finding a supportive community.

As we trundle into the holiday season, and some of you are feeling the added stress of dealing with family and social events, I thought this would be a good time to revisit this interview.

So grab yourself a cup of tea, some eggnog, or a nice single malt whisky (just as a suggestion, of course) and enjoy listening to my interview with Jody.

 

Here are the links mentioned in the video:

Jody’s site: Gateway Women

Living the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfiling Life Without Children

Reignite Process Workshop

Pinterest Gallery of Role Models

It Got Me Thinking…About Our Safe Haven

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

A few years back, Lisa and I first released Life Without Baby Holiday Companion, a collection of LWB posts designed to support our readers through this dicey season. Since I was heading into a whirlwind of social events—with family, friends, coworkers, and total strangers—I armed myself for the questions and comments I knew were coming.

Q: What’s your book about? A: Deep breath… “It’s inspiration and encouragement for women who wanted to have children, but didn’t get to, to help them get through the holidays” …please be nice to me.

Q: Are there really women who need this? A: Deep breath, this is a teaching opportunity, don’t be a bitch… “Let me tell you a few stories I’ve heard from women who are childfree-not-by-choice about how challenging the holidays are for them. For example, one woman just had her third miscarriage and is devastated. She’ll be with her in-laws, and she knows they’ll bombard her with questions about why, for Pete’s sake, she’s waiting so long to give them grandchildren.”

Q: You have a book out? How exciting to see your labors rewarded with the birth of your book! I imagine it’s like the anticipation of all those months of pregnancy and you finally get to welcome and celebrate the arrival of your precious child! A: Uh…I got nothing.

As exhausting as some of these exchanges are (and sometimes they are, eventually, funny to me), I feel deeply humbled when someone hears what I write about, then leans in and whispers, “That’s my story.” I have been privileged to be able to truly listen as women, and a few men, share their very personal stories with me about loves and losses, heartbreaks, dreams, and hopes. I have offered sympathy, bits of gentle advice, and most of all, understanding.

You may have been at the receiving end of some insensitive questions and comments this month, and it’s my hope that you have had someone near you to soften the blows. Meanwhile, I encourage you to use this website: share your stories in Comments, join discussions in the Forums, draw strength and courage from other LWBers, and allow yourself this safe haven. For here, we get it. We get you.

 

Life Without Baby Holiday Companion, a collection of classic blog posts that offer inspiration and encouragement for getting through the season when you’re childfree-not-by-choice, is available here on our site and on Amazon.

Whiny Wednesday: The Holidays


Even the most festive among us has to hit holiday burnout at some point. And if you’re trying drum up your holiday spirit and keep coming up empty, you may have hit this point sometime around Halloween.

So this week’s Whiny Wednesday topic is simply:

The Holidays

Feel free to unleash your inner Grinch…or not.