As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods
Although she came from a very close extended family, Karin didn’t really think about motherhood until she experienced infertility in her early 30s. Then it became a “dream.” Now 41, she and her husband of 19 years find themselves in a place of mostly acceptance, but she feels somewhat alone in her concerns about the future. If you can relate, please reach out to her—to all of us—in the Comments.
LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?
Karin: We were first childfree by chance and now it’s by circumstance. After years of unexplained infertility, various drug treatments, one horrific miscarriage, and lots of ovulation kits, my husband and I decided to stop trying for children. At that point, I began a very intense hatred of my body. My [menstrual] cycles were very long and painful, and as I grew older, they got worse and worse. This only intensified the self-loathing I was carrying around. It got so bad that the only option I had left was a hysterectomy. Knowing that I was not going to be able to conceive without massive medical intervention, and knowing that path was not for us, I decided to go through with the hysterectomy. It was the best decision I have ever made. I feel like I got my life back! Thanks to mindfulness training, yoga, and that surgery, I’ve been able to accept my body again and, more important, regain peace.
LWB: Where are you on your journey now?
Karin: I’ve been in the acceptance phase for quite some time. I have a wonderful husband and a very fulfilling job. But the residual feelings of isolation and fear of the future are what dominates my infertility issues now.
LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?
Karin: The fear of who will take care of me when I am old. My grandparents were in wonderful assisted living facilities toward the ends of their lives, but they were still attended to by my mom and my aunts—everything from shopping for basic needs to handling the finances. I cannot think of anyone in my life now who I could rely on to help us in our old age. My husband is an only child, and my sister has only one daughter. I do not have the nieces and nephews that many others have and will hopefully rely on when the time comes. And this truly terrifies me. This is, by far, the most difficult issue for me now. I feel quite alone in this. I don’t think many other people who are childfree have this worry, or, if they do, it is not as intense as mine. Also, I am the only person in my immediate social circle who does not have children. I feel like all the feelings of loss and isolation will resurface when my friends become grandparents.
LWB: What have you learned about yourself?
Karin: That I’m stronger than I thought I could ever be. You read that going through infertility will make you a stronger person, but until you actually feel it, it’s hard to believe. I’ve also learned to live life as consciously as I can with as much compassion as I can muster. Living a life with as little harm as possible toward others, including the environment around me, is rewarding and purposeful. I didn’t feel it this intensely prior to trying for children.
LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”
Karin: I say “NOPE!” And if they ask why not, I simply say “We tried and it didn’t work out.” That usually stops people. Occasionally, people will ask why we didn’t adopt, and I say adopting does not cure infertility and we believe adoption is a calling that we just didn’t have.
LWB: How has LWB helped you on your journey?
Karin: It was the first community that got it!! Besides Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos’ book Silent Sorority, what else did we have? LWB has been so incredibly integral in my journey that it’s hard to put into words. I would, however, like to see more information or discussion by others about being childfree in old age and the new dynamics that will come into play when we are not just non-moms but non-grandmothers!
We’d love to hear your story! Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.
I have the same worries about the future, and not just the being looked after part, I worry about all our precious belongings ending up being thrown away. Our pictures and memories. We do have nieces and nephews but I just worry that when the time comes they might not be there. Some days I feel like I am beggining to accept my childlessness (by circumstance) but in truth I am not sure I have. My heart goes out to everyone in this situation. You are not alone xxx
I am 43, my husband and I also opted out of medical treatment and decided to call it quits after one round of IVF was cancelled and the doctor refused to answer my calls when I tried to reschedule. Previously I’d had one early miscarriage. all our attempts at adoption resulted in closed doors. We’d been trying for seven years. I was tired and broken.
Three years after our decision to quit, I have begun to make my peace with it and have also found help and solace in yoga, mindfulness meditation, and connection to the outdoors (we live on an acreage with chickens 😉 ). I do feel isolated though. All of my friends, even the infertile friends whom I “coached” (no one had been trying as long as I had, I had all the advice to give) are now mothers. Many of them on their second or third child. They didn’t and still don’t understand my need to quit and accept a life of childlessness.
My biggest fear is also our old age. It is a fear my husband and I share. He is also an only child. I have siblings but no nieces or nephews. My siblings are close(ish) but focused very much on their own lives. I really don’t know what is going to happen. We’re making plans to care for ourselves and build community but I hope that it doesn’t turn out to be as lonely as I fear.
Best wishes to you and your husband.
Thanks for sharing your story! I have very similar fears about old age and who will help take care of me. It’s a very real fear for many of us who don’t have big families or lots of nieces and nephews!
I also think a lot about being a non-grandmother, even though I’m still, at 46, learning to cope with being a non-mom.
At work, I’m one of the youngest employees, and we have lots of volunteers, most of them aged 65 to 90, so there’s lots of talk about children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren…
We also arrange lots of family-oriented activities (one actually takes place tomorrow) around the year.
I guess when I get old, if I’m healthy enough I’ll just stay at work, as a volunteer instead of as an employee, to stay busy and for the company.
I wasn’t a good daughter to my mother before she died, she felt very lonely, and I don’t go to see my grandmother often at all, so I know, better than most people, that having children and grandchildren doesn’t automatically make you less lonely, but it would still have been nice with children, for many different reasons.
I am in the same situations. My husband’s sister passed away and we are not close to her kids, and I only have two nephews, one of which I never see. Sometimes when I think about growing older, I become extremely depressed. I work out and take care of myself so I will remain in good health as long as possible. But the main fear about getting older is loneliness. We now travel on holidays since we don’t have families to speak of, but if I wasn’t able to do it any longer, I would become severly depressed, and that worries me.
Thank you, Karin, for sharing your story. I have found mindfulness training to be especially healing, too.
For those who are interested in learning more about developing mental resources for a better sense of well being, please visit Dr. Rick Hanson’s site at the Foundations of Well-Being. Dr. Hanson is famous for saying that, “The mind is like Velcro for bad experiences and Teflon for good.” In his book Hardwiring Happiness, he explains why. If you are unable to access the website, at least try the book.
Dr Hanson’s work and the grace of God changed my life and calmed my worries about the future.
Thanks for the reading suggestion, Dorothy. Reading The Power of Now helped me quite a bit as well. I’ll look into Dr. Hanson’s work as well. I have actually given quite a bit of thought to moving to my husband’s country of birth to be closer to his family over there when I am older. I have a niece and nephew, and I’m especially close to my niece, but in my experience in the U.S., people live physically and emotionally at greater distance from each other. I imagine if I live to old age, my niece will be busy with her children, and maybe grandchildren, perhaps still working. Perhaps this will also change in my husband’s birth country, but my experience to date is that people have or make more time for each other, especially in time of need.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, everyone. I’m humbled and, dare I say, a little relieved that this fear resonates with you guys, too. It’s a side of infertility that I would love to see more discussion about. Even with mindfulness practice and learning to live in the present, fear of our future needs still looms. By the way, the only book or advice that spoke to me when I was in the throes of acceptance was The Power of Now. I always need a little tune-up so I will check out the other book, too. Thanks for suggesting it!!
I too worry about what will happen in old age.
I moved to a foreign country, met my husband and have lived here ever since. All my family lives overseas. My brother lives on the other side of the world with his 2 kids. They are only 1 and 4 so still quite young. We skype weekly with them but I know that is not the same as seeing someone. I grew up with my father’s siblings being in another country and I only met them twice before my 20’s. They were in effect strangers. I worry that is what I will be to my niece and nephew.
If my husband died before me I would end up in this country completely by myself.
I’m right there with you on the old age fear. Don’t know what I’m going to do about it all. I have 4 nieces and 4 nephews but they also have their parents to worry about. I thought about sending precious, personal things to our church historical library. But I’m only 35…I’ve got time to deal with that later.
I have a friend in her early 50s who never had kids. She took care of her 93 yr old friend when she was ready to pass on. They were friends for a long time. The husband died first so my friend and her husband looked after her ( they were neighbors). Don’t be afraid of old age. Make friends. Lots of parents are in nursing homes with no family who visits them.