Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday: When We Were Kids

A college friend just posted a photo of her son at his high school graduation.

It got my attention because the “kids” weren’t much younger than my friend and her now-husband were when I first met them, and, as the boy looks like his father, the photo reminded me of them and how flipping long it’s been since I was in school.

It also caused a pang of sadness for another experience I won’t get to have. I won’t get to send my teen off to college or take a photo of him and realize he’s a carbon copy of his dad.

It’s Whiny Wednesday, and today I’m feeling whiny about what will never be. How about you?

Memorials and Milestones

By Lisa Manterfield

It’s Memorial Day here in the U.S., another excuse to barbecue, but traditionally a time to remember members of the armed forces who gave their lives.

Last year, Mr. Fab asked that we go to the cemeteries where his relatives are buried. One of those cemeteries is also the place I had my big epiphany when I realized I was never going to have children. I hadn’t been back there since that day, now several years ago, and I knew it would be a loaded place for me, but it was time.

I went and I remembered. I gave myself permission to feel whatever I felt. I felt quiet and I felt sad. I took some time to just sit and look at the spot where I finally acknowledged I would never be a mother. I didn’t cry and I didn’t feel as if going there pushed me back into my sadness. I realized I was doing okay.

It’s important to remember where we’ve been, to acknowledge what’s been lost. It makes us who we are today, for better and for worse.Going back there marked another milestone on my road to recovery and each one gets a little easier

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On the topic of milestones, this site passed its own milestone recently. We now have over 2,500 members in the private community. If you’re not yet a member, I encourage you to join. That part of the site is password-protected, so you can chat freely and safely on the forums. There are always great conversations happening and it’s a good place to find support when you need it.  It doesn’t cost anything to become a member and you can sign up here.

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You may have noticed a new Books page in the navigation bar. On this page you’ll now find all the Life Without Baby books, as well as all the books recommended by other readers.

If you happen to have read my books, and if you found them helpful, I’d be most grateful if you would take a minute to leave a review on Amazon, Goodreads, or wherever you happened to pick up a copy. It really helps me in a couple of ways: 1) It makes me feel good, 2) It helps other people to find the books when they search this topic, and 3) It enables me to keep this site funded (because there is some cost involved in keeping it free of baby product ads, spam, and internet trolls) and it moves Mr. Fab one tiny step closer to retirement, for which he will be most grateful. 🙂

Our Stories: Lisa

As told to Lisa Manterfield

Our StoriesWhen Lisa Stigliano’s identical twin sister became pregnant within a few months of trying, Lisa was genuinely happy for her, but it also made her realize her own struggles to conceive were more complex than “being a little older.” Read on to learn how Lisa found her way into a new chapter of her life and a new career.

LWB: Briefly describe your dream of motherhood:

Lisa Stigliano: I was always a goal-oriented, ambitious, hardworking person. Being raised by a single mother with little money made me want to create a better life for myself and my family.

LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance? Please explain briefly.

Lisa S: About 10 years ago, like many other newlywed couples, my husband and I purchased our first home and were excited to start our family. I was 36 years old and time was of the essence.

After about a year of trying with no positive pregnancy tests, I consulted my OB/GYN, who suggested we keep trying, as it takes longer the older we get. After another year, we saw a fertility specialist who found polyps on my uterus that could be interfering with implantation. We waited a few months after the surgery for everything to heal and begin trying again. About six months later, we opted for Intrauterine insemination, which was also unsuccessful.

And then it happened. A positive pregnancy test. Oh no, not mine. My twin sister got pregnant naturally after trying for a few months. It opened my eyes to how serious our infertility struggle really was.

At this point we decided to try IVF. I was approaching my 40th birthday, my FSH [follicle-stimulating hormone] level was high, so the fertility clinic recommended donor eggs. This is when it truly hit, and I sank into a deep depression. So you are telling me that my eggs are too old to produce a baby but my twin sister’s are not? We are identical twins with similar lifestyles—no alcohol, nonsmoker, loved to exercise, etc.

This is when I came across a Naturopath doctor on my local news segment who specialized in women’s issues, and I knew I needed to do something fast. She introduced me to holistic ways to improve my fertility. And with her help and my new holistic lifestyle, I was able to lower my FSH level to an acceptable level for IVF. I was beyond thrilled. Like I won the jackpot or something.

Little did I know how grueling the next year would be. While my sister was preparing for her bundle of joy, I was in and out of fertility clinics.

LWB: What was the turning point for you?

Lisa S: After four unsuccessful IVFs through two different fertility doctors, I was emotionally and physically done. I decided I couldn’t take the treatments anymore. I had become so far from the woman I used to be, always crabby, depressed, and not fun to be around.

My husband was super supportive about stopping and even suggested looking into adoption. Then my father was diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension and put on oxygen therapy. About six months later, he passed at the age of 61.

I was done with everything—the baby that may or may not come, the crying, the depression—and decided to focus on what I could control.

I allowed myself to grieve the loss and come to the acceptance that it may never happen. This was not easy, but I knew it was necessary in order to move on and become the best version of myself.

LWB: Where are you on your journey now?

Lisa S: When I was ready, I started to make new goals. I enrolled in the Institute of Integrative Nutrition to pursue my interest in holistic nutrition. I loved the ways I could support my body naturally without the need for prescription drugs. I went on to start my own company, Keeping Fit After 40, where we support women in midlife with holistic lifestyles. I recently published my first book, Let’s Celebrate Midlife, and I am active with rescuing stray and abandoned cats.

LWB: What do you look forward to now?

Lisa S: Everyday I try to be the best aunt to my six-year-old nephew, who I love more than anything. And yes, I spoil him and he loves it.

LWB: What have you learned about yourself?

Lisa S: I could never have made it through this transformation in my life had I not gone through the stages [including letting go, grieving, making peace, and moving on] that Lisa talks about in her book, Life Without Baby: Surviving and Thriving When Motherhood Doesn’t Happen. It has been a long journey, but one that was so worth it. I learned a lot about myself along the way, and I want to encourage other women that there is hope for living an amazing life without children. We don’t know what will happen in our lives, but I truly believe that there is still a life for us out there, baby or not.

Lisa Stigliano is a Certified International Health Coach. Her company is Keeping Fit after 40, which helps women over 40 transition naturally to midlife. She lives in New York with her husband.

Whiny Wednesday: “Netflix, You Don’t Know Me At All”

I hopped on Netflix recently after something a hiatus. I was in the mood for a movie, but had nothing in mind, so I was delighted to see that Netflix had come up with a Top Ten Suggestions for me. This is what they thought I would like to watch:

Friends with Kids

(Synopses courtesy of IMDb): “Two best friends decide to have a child together while keeping their relationship platonic, so they can avoid the toll kids can take on romantic relationships.”

The Pill

“Worried that he has gotten the free-spirited Mindy pregnant after an unprotected one-night stand, Fred feigns romantic interest and sticks by her side for twelve hours to make sure she takes both doses of the morning-after pill.”

The Switch

“Seven years after the fact, a man comes to the realization that he was the sperm donor for his best friend’s boy.”

Apparently Netfilx is keeping a close eye on my online activity, but like the old Google ads for baby products that used to pop up on this site (before I cut them off!), I don’t think understand me at all.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s causing you to shake your head in dismay today?

Using Prompts to Start Telling Your Story

TypewriterIn the corner of my bedroom is a large bag of journals. At first glance you’d mistake me for one of those people who fills book after book with profound thoughts, but that’s not who I am. Each journal has a handful of entries for each time I decided to dedicate myself to journaling. I’d write for a few days, then skip, then quit. Even as I worked my way through infertility and knew that journaling would help me, I never managed to keep it up for long enough to dig down into the good stuff. Turns out I’m not much of a navel gazer.

Under the desk in my office is another pile of journals. Every page of these books is filled with my writing. So what’s the difference?

The stories in the second stack of journals were almost all generated from writing prompts. These prompts might have been lines pulled from books, prompts given to me in a class, or verbal or visual prompts that set me off in a particular direction.

The thing about prompts is that they force you into the writing. There’s no room to ponder what to write. They take away the pressure of trying to find something profound or important to write about. You just pick a prompt and jump right in.

If you’re thinking about writing your story but don’t know where to start, consider trying some prompts to launch you into writing.

I like first-line prompts because they force you into a starting point. Take a look at the prompts below and find one that speaks to you. Begin writing with that line and see where it takes you.

If you tend to ponder or find yourself trying to come up with the perfect story, don’t overthink. Set a timer for five or ten minutes, pick a prompt that resonates with you, and dive in.

Here are a few first-line prompts to get you started:

This was a matter of life and death

It takes more than inspiration to become great

Don’t put on a brave face

There is something wrong in this house

I take a deep breath when I read this

Weekdays revolved on a sameness wheel

We have something bigger in common

Let me know in the comments how you did and if anything interesting came up for you.

 

Whiny Wednesday: Kid Hater

Whiny WednesdayThis post was originally published in 2013 and it still makes me livid. You can see the original post and comments here.

Overheard outside my local café last week:

“I have three kids and I hate all of them.”

Can someone please explain to me why this jack@$$ gets to have the privilege of being a parent when so many lovely people I know (including myself) don’t?

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s got you spitting nails this week?

My Perfect Imperfect Life

By Lisa Manterfield

Courtesy Hasbro Games

Courtesy Hasbro Games

In my weekly writer’s group, we start off with an exercise from a choice of prompts. When I saw “I’m tired of pretending my life isn’t perfect”, I almost took the prompt.

It’s not hard to write about the part of my life that is so obviously imperfect: the fact that I wasn’t able to have children. I could (and do) write about that broken bit. But if I took my life apart, I’d find lots of areas that aren’t perfect. Isn’t every life like that? Everyone has challenges, and life would probably be dull without them. But part of the thrill of living is overcoming life’s challenges. Without the obstacles there’s no glory of victory.

My life is flawed in many ways, as all lives are, but it’s also a good and happy life, and on the whole it’s pretty close to perfect. And it’s hard work to keep clinging to the idea that it isn’t. It’s tiring to keep feeling bad about the parts of my life that didn’t work out as planned.

I didn’t get to have children, and it’s true that, for a long period of time, it made my life feel empty and deeply flawed. But that changed over time. I worked to overcome that flaw, to seek and take advantage of the silver linings, to work through my sadness—by writing, in my case—by gathering this community and sharing our stories. My marriage made it through infertility. That’s a victory in itself. And while there are still many challenges in my life, few of them are related to my childlessness anymore.

So, yes, I am a flawed human, with challenges to face, but I no longer wish to pretend my life isn’t perfect, just as it is, warts and all.

If you’re in the mood to do some writing of your own, pull out your journal and take the prompt: I’m tired of pretending my life isn’t perfect.

(And by the way, I didn’t take the prompt because there was another that sparked an idea. I’m glad I took that one instead, because that exercise turned into short story that was published here.)

Book Review: The End of Miracles

Monica Starkman -The End of MiraclesIn the six years since I started this site, I don’t think I’ve ever done a book review for a novel. I’ve been reluctant to read any books covering the topic of infertility because I feared they might trigger some deep-seated emotions and undo all the work I’ve done. I’ve been especially reluctant to read fiction as I’ve always been afraid of the inevitable happy ending.

But recently I’ve had several requests to review novels on the topic of infertility, so I decided it was time to take the plunge. I know many of you are avid readers, so I hope you’ll enjoy the upcoming reviews.

In her debut novel, The End of Miracles (She Writes Press, 2016), author Monica Starkman, M.D., delves into her extensive professional research to explore the emotional devastation of miscarriage and stillbirth.

After fruitless years battling infertility, Margo Kerber is devastated when her seemingly miraculous pregnancy ends in a late-term miscarriage. Convinced she is pregnant again, Margo finds temporary relief from her grief. But when her fantasy clashes with reality and Margo’s pregnancy is discovered to be false, she slips into a deep depression that clouds both her grasp of reality and her judgment. When she spots a briefly unattended infant, she is compelled to commit an unthinkable crime.

From the opening of the book, I felt as if I were in the hands of someone writing with authority about the psychological aspects of infertility and how numbing grief can be. I found myself recognizing many of the “crazy” thoughts I had on my own journey, which Starkman courageously commits to paper.

I asked Starkman about her work in psychology and about her decision to tell this story:

Life Without Baby:  What prompted you to write this book?

Monica Starkman: I had wanted to write a novel for a long time, in part to give something back to the world of literature as thanks for all the joy I’ve gained from reading. Nothing had piqued my interest enough to make the effort until I was asked to consult on and treat two women with false pregnancies. I realized that here was a topic: the strong desire and need to be pregnant, and the powerful repercussions of the frustration of that desire. That was intriguing and important enough for me to devote the time and determination that writing a novel required.

LWB: In your work as a psychiatrist, have you seen changes in the level of understanding about the emotional impact of infertility and unexpected childlessness?

MS: I can’t say that I have. I think that for even the woman/couple affected, the intensity of the emotions elicited by infertility and miscarriage still come as a complete surprise. And those not so affected are just beginning to realize this as well. For this reason, I recently wrote articles for MariaShriver.com and for PsychologyToday.com about miscarriage, false pregnancy, and infertility. I hope The End of Miracles will also bring such understanding to its readers.

LWB: In the book, Margo’s psychiatrist discusses the mind-body connection as regards to reproductive health. Could you talk a little more about this?

MS: Stress affects the brain, which can then affect the body by changing hormone levels and immune function, which can also impact reproductive function. However, for the survival of the species, Mother Nature protects reproduction as much as possible to withstand these effects.  The mind-body relationship is bidirectional: the body also affects the mind. And as those affected with infertility know all too well, its negative effects on mental well-being are quite powerful.

LWB: As a writer and psychiatrist, you’re involved with both the sharing and receiving of stories. Why do you feel it’s important for us to share our stories?

MS: Being able to express strong feelings, by talking or writing about them, does help process them, relieves some of the internal pressure, and helps to come to terms with and master those feelings. Sharing stories helps others better understand how those affected feel and encourages compassion. In return, social support from empathetic others is a very important contributing factor on the path to healing.

LWB: What else do you hope to achieve with The End of Miracles?

MS: I want to give readers an accurate insider’s portrayal of psychiatry and psychiatrists. I hope to promote the idea that people with severe psychiatric illnesses, such as serious depression, aren’t so very different from the rest of us, and that despite their unraveling, there can be a path for healing.

 

Monica headshotMonica Starkman, M.D., is associate professor of psychiatry emerita and scientific researcher at the University of Michigan Medical School’s Department of Psychiatry. As a recognized expert on the effects of stress hormones on mood and brain structure, Monica has been published by dozens of academic journals and several news outlets including The New Republic, Vogue and MariaShriver.com.

 

 

Preparing for Mother’s Day

By Lisa Manterfield

holding handsLet’s just say it: Mother’s Day is the nuclear bomb of holidays when you don’t have children. It’s a day of brunches, church services, and flowers, when shops, offices, restaurants, and even our social media feeds are filled with celebrations of moms and all things motherhood. To top it all, this holiday has somehow escaped the political correctness cleanup that other holidays have undergone, so while many people are hesitant these days to wish someone a Merry Christmas, lest they offend, no one seems to have any qualms about wishing everyone a Happy Mother’s Day.

It took me a long time to be able to face Mother’s Day, but the last couple of years I’ve done something fun for myself on that weekend. A couple of years ago I planned a trapeze class and this year I’m running a half marathon at Disneyland. Each year, I’m able to note that the day bothers me less and less, and I use it to mark my own progress. I know that many of you aren’t there yet, and from past experience I know that it pays to face the day prepared.

If you plan to venture out over Mother’s Day weekend, be ready for almost everyone to wish you a happy Mother’s Day. This includes friends, neighbors, sales assistants, parking attendants, and even complete strangers. Prepare your arsenal of stock replies and be ready to respond, so you don’t find yourself caught unawares and having to explain why you’re standing in the middle of the street in tears, yelling “It’s not a happy day at all!” to an unsuspecting stranger.  My standard response is to say “Thank you. You too” and move on as quickly as possible.

Once you’re aware of the inevitable challenges the day can bring, it’s good to make a plan to keep yourself protected. If you know you’re not going to be able to make it through the day with your emotions intact, stay at home or make plans to go somewhere away from the biggest challenge spots. If you’re expected to attend a big family gathering, consider if you could take a pass, just this year. Even if the next Mother’s Day is months from now, take a few minutes to jot down the challenges you might face and come up with a plan. How will you spend the day? How will you honor your own mother? And how will you deal with the challenges you can’t avoid?

The Power of Story

I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.Welcome to Story Power. In this new column, I’m excited to explore with you the powerful effects that stories have on our lives.

Telling stories is an integral part of what it means to be human. Since the dawn of man, we’ve told stories to pass along survival information, to educate and inform, to discover ourselves, and to entertain. Every day we tell hundreds of stories as we navigate our way through the day.

In the six years since I started Life Without Baby, I’ve told my own story of infertility and shared the stories of others. I’ve learned from other people and come to better understand my own experience. I’ve used that collective knowledge to tell a bigger story about what it’s like to survive unexpected childlessness and to create a new narrative for a life without children.

At the same time, I’ve been telling other stories, made-up stories of fictional people and situations. What I’ve learned is that, even in writing about something I’ve never experienced personally (such as surviving a deadly virus as a teenager—my novel-in-progress) so much of my own story finds its way onto the page as I explore themes that are relevant to my own life.

What I hope to do here in Story Power is help you understand your own experience through the power of story. We’ll explore how story helps us make sense of our lives and how we can use story to inform, educate, and inspire ourselves and others. I’ll share tips and exercises to help you tell your own story, and share other people’s stories (both true and fictional) as inspiration. Along the way, I’ll let you in on some of my own story telling progress and what I’m learning as I move into this new stage of my life.

This Story Power blog feels like the next logical step for me on my journey, as I move beyond my identity as an infertility blogger and back toward my original destination as a novelist. Even if you don’t consider yourself a writer, you can come along with me and capture your own story through journaling, audio recording, structured writing, or any other art form. I’ll be playing around with some of these, too.

This project is something of an experiment, so I’d love to hear what you think, what (if anything) excites you about this, and what you’d like to learn or hear about. Please leave me a comment below, and if you’d like to be notified of new posts, there’s a subscribe option in the sidebar.

I look forward to sharing this new chapter with you.