filling the silence in the motherhood discussion
Be honest. Have you ever turned down an invitation to a social event because you’re afraid someone will ask if you have children?
That’s the topic for this week’s Whiny Wednesday:
Avoiding meeting new people in case they ask, “Do you have kids?”
As always, the comments are wide open for other whines you might have this week.
By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
The coach was disengaged, half of the team hadn’t shown up, which meant our team was down two players compared to their opponents, and our girls couldn’t seem to make any progress toward the goal. They were being humiliated, and, by the half, my niece was beyond discouraged. No one out there that day would have blamed them for forfeiting the game, however….
As she came over to my brother and me on the sidelines, we had our pep talk ready, built on years, if not decades, of experience in disappointments and failures.
“Your teammates are giving 110%, they’re playing with their whole hearts. You can’t give up on them!”
“See it through, finish what you started. Get out there and do your best, and I promise you will feel proud of yourself for the effort.”
“Choose your attitude! Get in it to win it!”
As she jogged back out on the field and rallied her teammates, I wondered if we’d given her the right advice. Perhaps this should have been a lesson in losing gracefully? But what was done was done, and we watched as those amazing young women pulled together as a team, turned the tide, and won the game…by three points!
It was an awesome experience, one that I am so glad I was able to share with her. It was thrilling to witness her incredible triumph. And as I drove home, I reflected upon what the lesson had been for me. It wasn’t, “Don’t give up! Give one last miracle for having a baby a go!” I’m way past that. Instead, what I heard from the sweet, small voice deep inside me was, “Don’t give up on yourself. You have something to offer the world, so keep your eye on the goal and keep kicking!”
Have I been down, beaten, discouraged, humiliated? Oh, yes. Would anyone fault me for staying down? Maybe. But today I choose to get back up, and I hope you’ll get up with me and give it—whatever “it” may be for you—one more try. You—yes, YOU!—have something special to offer the world. Don’t give up!
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods
I was so excited to see a new story pop up in my inbox. I love getting to know our members, and I’m always encouraged when I can see a bit of myself in their stories.
Once I started reading, though, my excitement turned to heartache and compassion. Diana, 39, has had a long and difficult journey, and today she’s still in a very dark place. I’m not going to sugarcoat this: Her responses to our questions are real and raw, and I appreciate her being so candid.
It’s possible she hasn’t been able to talk with anyone who truly understands what she’s going through or can offer real support, and that’s where we come in. The members of Life Without Baby have sympathy in spades. We’ve either been there or we are there, we know how it feels, and we are pretty good about knowing what to say and what not to say.
After you read Diana’s story, I hope you’ll take a moment to reach out to her in the Comments, perhaps to share how you’ve found some light in the darkness.
If you’re in a similar situation, please reach out for help. You can start by connecting with other LWB members in the Community Forums.
LWB: Please describe your dream of motherhood.
Diana: I have always dreamed of becoming a mother. Always. I constantly feel that something is missing and nothing can make up for it.
LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance?
Diana: I am childfree because my husband is sterile. We found out two years after we were married.
LWB: Where are you on your journey now?
Diana: After 13 years, I’m still depressed. I have anxiety attacks, and I am nowhere near accepting the fact that I don’t have a child.
LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?
Diana: My motherly instinct is stronger than ever, and I feel like there is a constant emptiness in my heart.
LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?
Diana: Absolutely nothing.
LWB: What’s one thing you want other people to know about your being childfree?
Diana: Quit telling me to enjoy my life and travel and do things for myself. You don’t understand the emptiness. Materialistic things do not take the void away.
LWB: What do you look forward to now?
Diana: Nothing. I have good days and bad days. I just go through the motions.
If you’ve been feeling that you’re all alone on this journey, I encourage you to read other members’ stories here. There is a lot of wisdom and support in the stories themselves and in the comments. Then, when you’re ready, I hope you’ll share your story with us. Go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
Among my darker days are those when I’ve wallowed in the belief that I’ve wasted my life. I spent my childhood, my teenage and college years, and the decades leading to my 40s dreaming about and preparing to be a mommy.
Joke’s on me, right?
Sure, I’ve had some fun adventures along the way, had some big career wins, made amazing friends, but I can’t help but think about what I might have done with those youthful years if I’d known in advance I wasn’t going to have children. I might have taken more risks (trained as a racecar driver), made bolder choices (I could have lived in New York—or Provence!), pursued different interests (culinary school, Taiko drumming, raising and curing my own olives).
As I continue to grow older (fortunately) and gain more perspective, I’m seeing that most of those opportunities are still open to me. And when I feel discouraged, I’m finding a lot of encouragement in the world around me.
Specifically, let me introduce you to Ms. Willie Murphy. In 2010, she started lifting weights for the first time in her life, beginning with five-pound dumbbells. In 2014, she was named 2014 Lifter of the Year by the World Natural Powerlifting Federation when she deadlifted 215 pounds. Did I mention she was 77-years-old at the time? (Watch an interview with her and see her lift here.)
video still credit: Lauren Petracca
And even though the world, especially the fashion world, seems youth-obsessed, take a look at the face of French fashion brand Céline’s 2015 spring campaign: writer Joan Didion, looking oh-so-stylish at 80!
photo credit: Céline Spring 2015 Campaign
“I never used the words ‘I can’t’,” Murphy says. “I would just simply say, ‘I will try.’” And those, my dear sisters, are words to live by.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
This week’s topic is the antithesis of the “People who talk about nothing but their kids” topic, but it can be just as difficult to deal with:
People who assume you don’t want to be around their kids
Feel free to bring your own topics to the comments if this isn’t what’s on your nerves this week.
By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
I got cornered recently at a party by a woman who told me her husband was giving her breast implants and a tummy tuck as a thank you for having his children. My thoughts ran in this order:
That last item got me thinking about some of the procedures I think I’ve earned for surviving this whole journey through childlessness-not-by-choice, such as:
I realize all of the above could be “fixed” with a simple ol’ fashioned attitude adjustment. I’ll get around to that, eventually, but today it’s way more fun to imagine the procedures—quick, painless, and free, of course—that will whip me back into shape.
Wanna play? What imaginary procedures do you think you’ve earned? Go crazy and have fun!
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
I know I’m probably going to have to duck for cover with this week’s topic. We’ve all heard it and the sting never seems to diminish. So here we go:
“You wouldn’t understand; you don’t have kids.”
I’ll be behind the couch if you need me.
By Lisa Manterfield
During my years of trying to conceive, I worked in the corporate world. I managed a department of about eight people. When I first took the position, only one member of my staff had children. By the end of two years, only two of us remained childless. I had three pregnant women in my department at one point, and every new announcement was followed by “It’s your turn next.” Of course, my turn never came.
There are so many challenges in the workplace when you don’t have children. There are cubicles festooned with photos of children, lunch groups dominated by kid talk, and family-oriented company picnics. There’s also the challenge of some parents using their parental responsibilities as an excuse to bend the rules and not pull their weight. And, of course, there are the inevitable pregnancy announcements and subsequent baby showers.
What are some of the workplace challenges you face and how have you found ways to navigate them?
This week’s topic is a tough one.
Any unexpected pregnancy announcement can be hard to handle, but it becomes even more tricky when the new arrival is a family member. So, this week’s Whiny Wednesday topic is:
Trying to be happy about a birth in the family
As always, any topic is open for whining, so let it fly.
By Lisa Manterfield
That’s me, living life to the fullest in trapeze class earlier this year.
I got caught out again this year with a bout of the Holiday Blues.
After a really fun and non-traditional Thanksgiving with wonderful friends, I headed into December ready to celebrate the holidays my way. Then Bam! I came down with the Holiday Blues.
There will always be things I wish were part of my festive season, like hand-delivering gifts to my family, shopping for small children, and creating the kind of Christmas I had as a child. But it wasn’t theses losses and what-ifs that gave me the blues this year.
Maybe it was the rainy weather that kept me indoors for much of the week. Maybe it was the end of year racing towards me highlighting the things that didn’t get accomplished this year. Or maybe it’s that Christmas doesn’t really feel like something to celebrate anymore.
Finally, I took my own advice, and that of a couple of friends, and dusted myself off. I bought a tree, made plans for Christmas Eve dinner at a favorite restaurant, and wrote and sent my cards. And then I made myself a cup of tea and sliced off a chunk of proper English fruitcake, and I curled up in a chair and wrote in my journal.
I made a list of everything good that happened this year—all the fun things I did (see photo, for one), the challenges I overcame, the goals I reached this year, the friends I spent time with, the family I visited.
And guess what I discovered? It’s been another great year this year. I have lived my life, perhaps not always to the fullest, but to the best that I was able. And I had a good time doing it.
That, I think, is plenty of reason to celebrate.
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