Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Knowing Who I Am

By Lisa Manterfield

MP900255381There was a time when I found it difficult to be around mothers of young children. It was hard to listen to them talk about their kids when I felt I had nothing to contribute, and it was painful to know that I’d never be able to share those experiences with them. I couldn’t bear to hear their sweet or funny stories, and it made my blood boil to hear them complain. What I wouldn’t have given for the chance to be kept awake all night by a colicky baby.

As I’ve progressed on my journey and begun to heal, it’s become easier for me to spend time with mothers, to listen to their stories, to speak up when I have something to add, and even to commiserate about the hard stuff, without feeling resentful.

I’m listening to what they say about motherhood and I’m hearing a common theme: Motherhood chips away at them until they lose touch with the women they once were. They love their children, they love being mothers, but they resent how all-consuming the job is and how much of themselves they lose to their families, until they know longer know who they are.

There are always two sides to every story, pros and cons, gains and losses. When we don’t get something we want and deserve, it’s easy to focus on what’s lost—the experiences, the opportunities, and the stories we won’t get to tell. But what about what’s gained? And what about what’s not lost? What about the sacrifices we didn’t have to make and the women we now get to be?

I may not be the woman I’d once hoped to be—a mother—but I know who I am now, and a part of me is grateful for what I didn’t have to lose: myself.

It Got Me Thinking…About Shotgun Weddings

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Girl ThinkingShortly after I sent out save the date cards for our wedding, I received several variations of “Didn’t know you were pregnant – har har!”

I didn’t finding this the least bit humorous, although I’m sure that is what those Jim Carrey–¬wannabes had intended. My fiancé and I had been together for four years, living together for two. We were getting married because we wanted to, not because we had to. And so what if I was pregnant? Would it make this occasion, our commitment to each other, any less solemn?

Of course, because I had finally (mostly) made peace with our decision to be childfree, our friends’ insensitive responses struck a deeper, more painful chord. What I really wanted to do was reply back by saying, “No. Sadly, pregnancy is no longer an option for me.”

But that would have been rude.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She met and married her Mr. Right in her 40s.

Whiny Wednesday: Work Pregnancies

Whiny WednesdayIt’s Whiny Wednesday, your chance to gripe about the issues you’re dealing with this week. This week’s suggested topic is one we’ve all had to deal with:

 An over-abundance of work pregnancies

 I can relate to this one. When I was trying to conceive, I managed a small department of about eight people. One year we had three simultaneous pregnancies…and none of them was mine.

Whine away!

Our Stories: Jessica

As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Our StoriesJessica and her husband John are childfree “by chance and then choice(?),” the parenthetical question mark indicating her struggle to make peace with that word: choice. After six of years of trying to get pregnant, they tried IVF, “but it failed,” she says. “We were told with my diminished ovarian reserve there was really no chance of IVF working without an egg donor.” It was at that point they decided not to pursue any more fertility treatments or adoption.

What a heartbreaking “choice”—one so many of us can relate to.

Today, Jessica is traveling through the acceptance phase of her journey, working on embracing her family of two, and hoping “to feel joyful again.” That’s our hope for her too.

Here’s more of her story.

LWB: Briefly describe your dream of motherhood:

Jessica: I always pictured a little boy, who looks just like John, looking up at me with his sweet face. I had names picked out for our two girls, but we never could decide on a name for our boy. I prayed, often, for the wisdom to teach our girls to truly know their value, because so many girls grow into women not realizing how much they are worth. I couldn’t wait to see John as a dad, interacting with our kids, with his sweet, gentle spirit.

LWB: What was the turning point for you?

Jessica: After our failed IVF, I was grieving. I did not understand all of the emotions I was having. I spent a lot of time talking and thinking about what was next and finally realized I was simply tired. I was tired of our life being on hold, of the emotional roller coaster each month, of feeling isolated and alone. I decided to go to an infertility support group to see if it could help me process everything.  In that meeting, while each person talked about where they were on their journey to have a child, I realized I was done. Our life had been on hold for two-thirds of our marriage, waiting to get pregnant. I was barely making it out of bed half of the time. When it came to be my turn, I said how I was feeling, and the leader said she knew a couple who had chosen not to pursue any more fertility treatments nor to adopt. She said they were living “childfree” and living it well. That put all of the pieces in place for me. I had not heard anyone ever talk about choosing that path. It took several weeks for me to process this thought. I met with the lady of the couple to talk about her journey. I googled to see if I could find other women who had also chosen this path. (I am so grateful for all the woman who share their stories online!) John and I talked about it and finally decided that we also wanted to start accepting our life without kids. It was such a mixture of sadness and relief to finally make that decision!

LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?

Jessica: Finding a purpose in this world as a woman without kids. Also not being able to see my mom and dad with our kids.

LWB: What is the best advice you’d offer someone else like you?

Jessica: You are not alone, even if it feels like it. It is hard to find someone who truly understands the emotions that you are having, but it is worth trying to find that someone who has gone through a similar struggle. And only you can say how far and how long you go trying to have a baby, even though most people will have an opinion on it.

LWB: How has LWB helped you on your journey?

Jessica: I bought Lisa’s book Life Without Baby: Surviving and Thriving When Motherhood Doesn’t Happen when it came out. The timing was perfect, as I had really just come to the decision to accept our life without kids. Probably the main thing I got out of it right away was how much of what I was feeling was normal and okay. I felt a lot of pressure to go to both my sisters-in-law’s baby showers and to go to the hospital when my niece and nephew were born. This was right after our failed IVF. It was tough, so tough. Lisa talks about preparing for social events in her book, which helped me realize that it is okay to have good days and bad days. It is okay to opt out of a family event or a social event if I think it could be a trigger. And the biggest one was about Mother’s Day. It was so freeing to take control and have a plan to honor my mom while navigating around the day. Reading the book also confirmed to me that I was on the right path.

The LWB blog is great too. I am very thankful that something is posted pretty much every day, because it reminds me I am not alone!

In her email to me, Jessica wrote, “Answering these questions was helpful in reflecting on our journey, where we’ve been, and where we might be going.” I would love for you to experience the healing that can come from sharing your story with all of us at LWB. If you feel ready, go to the Our Stories page to get more information and the questionnaire.

If you’re not quite ready for this step, I encourage you to check out the Community Forums and other Our Stories, where you will find understanding and support from LWB readers who have traveled paths similar to yours.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

 

Whiny Wednesday: Parental Milestones

Whiny WednesdayBack-to-school season is upon us and social media has been abuzz with snapshots of proud parents and their offspring. So it seems like a good time for this week’s Whiny Wednesday topic:

Feeling left out when friends and relatives celebrate the milestones of being parents and grandparents.


As always, your other whines are always welcome.

Hunting for the Old You

By Lisa Manterfield

thoughtsI’m doing really well at being at peace with not having children. But for a long time there were days when the darkness came over me. Do you know what I mean?

Ordinarily, the darkness was a tiny ball that I carried it around with me wherever I went. It was safely tucked away and I didn’t even notice it. Then something would happen to flip the lid and suddenly the darkness crept into every open space within me.

I’m got tired of carrying the darkness around and finally I was ready to let it go. I didn’t want to feel bitter or sad about not having children, because honestly, I was okay. But I couldn’t remember who I was any more. When I looked in the mirror I didn’t see me. I saw a woman who looked tired and overweight, and very, very serious about life. She didn’t laugh easily or live with abandon, like the real me used to. She was cautious and unwilling to let herself go. She felt like a square peg in a world full of round holes and it was lonely to live that way.

Our experiences make us who we are, but what happens to who we were? In a universe where energy remains constant, I knew that the old me — the laughing, carefree joyous me — must still have been around. I’d catch glimpses of her sometimes, and like a huntress, I’d follow her into the woods. And yet, so often, she managed to evade me.

But I was patient. I kept an eye on her and kept moving towards her. I kept hunting her, until I caught up with her again. And finally, she I were able to stand together again and let the darkness go.

Are you missing the old you? Where might you go to find her again?

Whiny Wednesday: Shopping for Clothes

Whiny WednesdayOne of the earliest posts I wrote here was about the trend at the time in baby doll tops that, on me, looked like maternity wear. Recently I’ve noticed empire waists back in the stores, which have much the same effect.

A reader offered this Whiny Wednesday topic about shopping for new clothes. Her whine is:

“The need to go shopping for new clothes and trying to find something I feel good in vs. something I think screams ‘infertile and has a poor sense of style.’”

She may not have a great sense of style, but at least she has a great sense of humor.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What can you laugh about this week?

How Not to Say the Wrong Thing

By Lisa Manterfield

shhhI absolutely love this article by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman about how not to say the wrong thing to someone in crisis. I wish it was mandatory reading for everyone, and I especially wish it came with a note explaining that it applies when talking to infertiles and the childless-not-by-choice.

The gist of their Ring Theory is that the person in crisis is at the center of the ring and those next closest to the person occupy subsequent rings. In the case of someone coming to terms with not having children, she would be at the center, her spouse or partner on the next ring, perhaps closest family and friends on the next, and more distant family, coworkers, and acquaintances beyond that.

The rule is that that if people have something mean or insensitive or opinionated to say, they say it to someone on a bigger ring. When speaking to someone on a smaller ring, they can only listen or—if they must say something—offer help, support, or comfort. No advice, no miracle stories, no blame or shame. No offering of their kids, no suggestions to adopt. “I’m sorry” is all that needs to be said. If they want to dump, dump outwards, not inwards.

I wish people would understand that someone who has just acknowledged she won’t ever have children is in crisis, and what she needs more than judgment and unhelpful help is for people to say to the right thing.

Whiny Wednesday: People Who Shouldn’t Have Kids

Whiny WednesdayI had to take a break from the news and social media recently. It just seemed as if nothing good was happening in the world. Amid all the terror attacks, politics, tragedies, and deadly diseases was story after story that prompted this week’s topic:

People who shouldn’t be allowed to have kids

 It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s making you furious this week?

The Sliding Scale of Grief

By Lisa Manterfield

In the very early stages of our relationship. Mr. Fab and I discovered all sorts of odd things we had in common, one of which is that we both played the trombone as teenagers. Anyway, we’ve been talking about learning to play again, and we finally found a used instrument in good condition.

The main difference between a trombone and other brass instruments is that you make the notes by moving a slide up and down, rather hitting a key. It makes it a lot more difficult to hit just the right note. It’s also what makes the trombone so much fun to play, because you can slide easily from note to note, up and down and back again.

The reason I’m telling you all this is that today I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole coming-to-terms process. I’ve been thinking about it in terms of school grades, with the freshman class having just made the decision to live childfree or to stop fertility treatments, and having no idea how to start getting used to the idea. They eventually graduate to acceptance and begin to find a way to get happy, and ultimately go on to live a full and happy life without children.

But it’s really not that simple. You never really do hit all the notes precisely and in order. It’s much more like playing a trombone, where you slide from one state to the next and sometimes back again. One day, you’re content and determined to make the most of your situation, then something happens to trigger all those old emotions and you find yourself sliding back down. Then you get to talk someone who understands you and you feel like you can really figure this out…until your friend announces a pregnancy and back down you go again.

So, I’m wondering, where are you on the sliding scale of coming-to-terms? Where are you right now and have you been better or been worse? Do you feel that, even though you have setbacks, you’re slowly moving towards a place of peace, or can you see no way to ever come-to-terms with your lot in life? Or have you already been up and down the scale and have finally found a place of contentment? I’d like to know.